Really stuck with DSS now

[ilikeagoodsarnie]

I've posted on here a few times about different things, always NC just in case!

I posted before about my DSS lying and came to the conclusion with MNers help that some of it was lying and some of it may have been how he's seen the situation.
My DP and I sat down with DSS and discussed what was said and ironed everything out and since then everything has been fine, no lying but still the tattling back to DM has carried on.

So, I've been told today by DM that DSS has told his nan (not DP mum) something about my DP and our DS. It's something that it said out of context could involve social services, the actual incident itself was harmless and if I thought my child was in danger I'd do something about it.

Anyway, I was happy DM told me because she didn't know if I knew about said incident DSS had said and we chatted and it's fine.

BUT, I'm at a loss as to why DSS felt the need to tell his nan about the incident between my DP and our DS. His nan is not my DS nan, I don't know the woman, by the sounds of what I've been told and incidents I've seen with her and my DP she's not very nice and spouts crap about my DP to the DSC which they repeat.

I want to speak to DSS about why he felt the need to tell his nan about something she didn't really need to know about, but I don't know what to say without coming across as angry as I am, I obviously don't want to upset him.

I'm really close with my DSC but for the past few months my DSS seems like he's hell bent on making his dad out to be an absolute monster which he's not. I feel like my DP and I can't speak freely in our home or act as we would when he's here with fear that he'll take something and twist it or view it different for what it is and tell his DM or nan.

If anyone has any ideas on what I could say or how I could say it to him would be great, I've supported him over the past few years as much as I can, even when his DM thought he had anxiety, I'm always the one that's there for him (just because I'm softer than my DP) so I'd really like to have a chat and try and understand what's going on.

He will know exactly how you feel.

He just will. About him. About his mum. All of it.

this ---> If your DSS is telling lies, your DH needs to talk to him, not you and explain exactly how serious the consequences of him doing so can be.

@Greenwateringcan

Do you really think so? I don't want to give any impression of that to him, he doesn't need to see or feel it.

@bluebell34567

How do you explain the seriousness without scaring him?

Each time he is spoken to and I mean spoken to softly he runs back to mum saying his dad has been really nasty to him when he hasn't.
It's a vicious cycle at the minute.

He will know. I guarantee it.

@Greenwateringcan

Fuck.

What do you think I should do?

I can't help the way I feel, that won't change if not for a while.

As I said. I think you should stop being so involved and let his dad deal with him.

I’m a parent to adult kids. They have a step mum.

I cannot stand her. Literally the woman makes my skin crawl she is evil and some of what she has done would turn your hair.

I thought I was so good at not showing how I felt. Always bright and breezy and pleasant and positive never said anything negative always bigging her up.

My kids knew. We have talked about it now they are adults. They know. They always know.

@Greenwateringcan

I don't understand women that get with men who know they have kids and either try and exclude the kids or are absolutely vile to them, it's beyond me! My ex's step mum was like that and he lost contact with his dad when he was 5 it was sad.

Maybe taking a step back would help, I feel like I need to continue to support my partner behind the scenes though. Not like tell him what to do but just offer the support when requested.

And kids that have split parents do agree with either parent when they’re there. They say what the parent wants to hear. That’s part of the territory and you’re not going to change that.

I’m not trying to be horrible to you but you have a baby and you look at him and you think he’s 9 he’s half way to a grown up. Some of the things you’ve said here show that so clearly.

I look at a 9 year old with my adult children and think They’re only so small still.

I guarantee when your DS is 9 you’ll realise he’s not capable of adult thought patterns. And you’ll realise how small 9 actually is. Especially when there’s been a new baby in the mix.

You're very criticising aren't you?

But it’s OK for you to judge his mum on issues you really have no knowledge of?

My DSS has no idea how I feel about his mum, I've never told him I've never shown it

Really? The only successful blended parenting I have seen is where both ‘sides’ have reached a level of indifference to each other. You think getting a job makes you a Bad Mother. You are a long, long way from indifferent. Your DSS knows how you feel.

[quote ilikeagoodsarnie]@anon12345678901

Currently on mat leave, going back in September on hours that fit round my childcare.
I've never not had a job.

True, I don't know that you do have a point but previously when she's changing jobs or looking the kids would say something or she would mention it to us herself.

This is the thing, how do you explain consequences? What I want to say about the current situation is 'I know your not worried about DS because you don't give a shit about him when you're here and you've outright wished he wasn't here so what you tattling to your nan about your dad for? And she could call social services on some half arsed info you've given her which ain't good!'
I know I can't say that I definitely won't but what do you say?

Already walking on eggshells, he earwigs on conversations feeds them back to mum and makes out as if we've said something bad directly to him, we've come to the point where we almost don't talk when he's here which doesn't show anything positive.

I just wish it went back to the sweet little boy he was a year ago, I know kids change and things happen and life isn't always easy but if the only thing that has changed him is DS then what can we do?

[/quote]
It's so so difficult. When the DSS says anything negative, does the person who is told this actually ask you and your DH outright about it? Do you can answer properly and does the mum know DSS is doing this?
Thing is with you on mat leave you want this rectified ASAP as you'll have enough on your plate when you go back to work, you won't need extra stress ( not saying your role is stressful as I don't know but it's going to be a change for you )
The DSS is old enough really to understand the consequences that can come from lying, I would get your DH to be honest and say some of the things you say could get us into a lot of issues. Has he been asked why he's saying these things?

@Greenwateringcan

I do look at both kids as mature, DSS isn't mature at all if I really think about it. I do expect more from him being the elder sibling but maybe it is too much.

He’s 9. You’re viewing him through the lens of your baby. He’s not an adult or mature. He’s 9. (Sorry for banging on but you keep ascribing adult motivations or trying to get him to understand like an adult and that won’t happen. Because he’s 9😊)

@anon12345678901

So each time mum is told anything she'll contact dad, she won't ask she'll just fly off the handle accuse dad of lying bout it and basically thinks that her son would never lie - even though he's been caught out a lot.
It's tough because if she came to DP and discussed it we could actually get somewhere.
I understand why she does it, she feels the need to protect her son because some of the things he's said are awful but if they're that awful why is she sending him here putting him in said situations?

No my role isn't stressful, might be when I get back I have no idea who covered me or if they got any cover at all and I'm already stressing out with childcare and household crap while working 😂
But you're right, I don't need this, none of us do, dad doesn't need to be made to feel his son doesn't love him, I don't need to be made to feel I can't be me in my own home, mum doesn't need to be made to feel worried unnecessarily and DSS needs to make his feelings known so we can work on it. I feel so sorry for his sister who sits and watches it all but can't say anything.

He says he doesn't know why he's said stuff or he lies and says he hasn't said it. The last big blow up he blamed mum and said she was lying to dad and he never said any of it.

@Greenwateringcan

No it's okay! 😂

I think I'm just trying to remember what I was like at 9 but I grew up in what felt like world war 3 with my parents. I matured quite quickly because I knew exactly what was going on and i think that's why I'm so blunt with everything.

Trying my hardest not to be! Trying to be empathic towards DSS and understand the motivations or how he feels, there's a reason why this is happening and it could be baby, he could genuinely not like his dad but why?

He'll say stuff like 'daddy is really strict and nasty to me' and I sit there thinking 'mate you haven't met my dad who used to kick ten shades of shit into me if I didn't wash up properly, you don't know what strict and nasty is!'

I do need to stop comparing situations but when stuff like what I've just said is said by him I'm literally baffled because there is nothing strict or nasty about anything my DP or even I do with any of the kids.

I'm concerned about your need to keep what happens in your house so very private. You cannot do that when you have a 9 yo child passing back and forth between households. He's not 'tattling'. He's talking - telling his Mum and his nan what goes on (in his perception). I can understand why that would bother you, especially if life at your house is consistently reported in a negative way (or misrepresented, or outright lied about). But there is no alternative - dss needs to be free to talk to who he wants about what he wants, when he wants.

You should step right outside of any parenting role with him while this is going on. The PP who mentioned never being alone with her dsc for this reason, she's spot on.

Do not involve yourself in reputation management for your DH. Let him explain himself to the boy's Mum, each and every time there is a conflict.

Step back, as far back as you possibly can, limit your contact with dss for the moment, let Dh parent him.

And stop trying to create a wall of silence around his life in your home. That's really unhealthy.

@EsmeeMerlin

He had a genuine concern, albeit he has jumped to the wrong conclusion and chose to confine in someone he felt close to. That’s exactly what we encourage children to do. How do you think it will look like if dss told someone that you told him he should not talk to his nan about any concerns he has about things happening in your house. You can’t control what your dss says to anyone else.

Exactly this

He had a genuine concern

Did he though?

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that he's relaying misconstrued information because he knows the gran doesn't like the dad and wants to stir things up.

Kids play adults off against one another. Kids lie.

Especially if they feel insecure for whatever reason.

I find it worrying that your DSS believes his dad is capable of hurting is own child to the extent that the first conclusion he jumps to when seeing a birthmark on his brother, is that his own dad is responsible for it.

That says a lot about their relationship. For example, if I seen a birthmark on my sister I hadn't noticed before it wouldn't cross my mind that my dad had done it as I know he wouldn't

@natis

He jumped to the conclusion because my DP was frustrated at DS with lunch and eating and fussing in the heat. They were hot, everyone was hot, my DP took our son up to bed in a strop.

Literally anything that is slightly aggressive so for example (before I get eaten alive for using that word) if any of the kids ask a question repeatedly and you turn round after the 10th time even though you've answered and raise your voice slightly DSS classes it as shouting and he was told off and it's the end of the world.

Now I know to some kids a slight raise is like 'omfg dads gonna shout at me and I'm in trouble' and I get that especially cause in our house we're generally quite chill and quiet but DSS is like it with anything and everything and then somehow a little thing like that will get twisted into 'daddy shouted, made me cry, didn't say sorry, I hate daddy, he was telling me off' when in fact he didn't cry or seemed to be bothered and daddy just said 'can you pack it in now I've answered you' but in a slightly raised tone.

@MeltingFlamenco

I don't think he did, he stuck a little lie in there when his mum was telling me that apparently he gave DS a cuddle afterwards.

I've never seen DSS cuddle my DS and I'm with my DS 24/7, the last time he cuddled him was when he was 2 days old. Since then he's barely interacted with him.

I was also there when this all happened and I had hold of my DS.

I saw it as 'daddy did a bad thing but I was really good look at me' that's just my opinion but obviously I'd like to get to the bottom of it.

Ok so my DH and actually DSC mum warned me about DSC lying. It's well known in that side of family actually. Small things, big things she's 11 she's been doing it from age 6. She's gotten better but her default is to tell tales.

I didn't think it was a big deal tbh until one day she really hurt the dog (she was in the room alone with dog who was sleeping in her bed) but her mum was watching from front into the room having a smoke. DSC hit the dog with a belt. Hard. DSC blamed her cousin who was ironically out with rest of us out back. Her mum saw the whole thing 🤯

She flat out denied it which was mental given the circumstances. Then said the dog hit herself with the belt (not a massive dog so even logistically that wouldn't have worked)

We took her to a therapist and she goes to therapy now. Best advice I can give is make ground with mum, get to a point where you can have DH have a normal conversation about DSC. Lies and pitting one agaist the other only work if both sides don't talk to each other.

I'm Grateful each day to have a good relationship with DSC mum tbh. I mainly keep out of things like this other than to offer a sounding board. They have to talk for the sake of their child.

We don't know why she does it, she struggles with accepting responsibility which means we work on her with it. Your DSC might need the same amount of support.

@newomums

Wow, kids do really come up with the craziest things to get out of trouble!

I have an okay relationship with DSC mum, when the whole hoo-haa came up about him lying about his dad before we had a good chat and I tried to explain what was a lie, what had been twisted and she just wouldn't believe me.

Her literal words were 'I don't want to call you a liar but my son doesn't lie' she is ones of those mums that swears blind her son doesn't lie or deceive her even though he does it on the regular and DSD has said it so many times.

Until DSS mum can be willing enough to open her eyes then currently it's like talking to a brick wall. Unfortunately I may have to wait until DSS slips up enough for mum to see it for herself.

With that being said I'd be more than happy to sit down with mum and have an adult conversation to move forward with DSS.

I’m a step child. He possibly doesn’t feel he belongs anywhere. His mother palms him off on other people and isn’t there after school; his father works hard and is not around. And has replaced him with a needy baby. He’s desperate for attention. Some kind of family therapy would be good. But he also needs one on one time with his father. My life was a bit like this as a child and I felt profoundly ignored and unhappy.

@inthesark

Thanks for giving it from your side 😊

Dad is around, when the DSC are with us for the 50% dad is around 100% with them. If dad picks any extra hours up he makes sure it's in school time or night shift and only when they're at school the next day so he's there for them.

I can see why he thinks he's being replaced, definitely especially with some of the things he's been saying about my DS but we've been trying really hard since the last big blow up to give him what he needs and made sure we've done what he's asked of us from when I spoke to him last time.