Inviting SC to disneyworld - part 2.

[Ohanaa]

Update to my previous thread as I said I would update with the mothers reply.

Previous thread for anyone that’s missed it and reads this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4294452-To-not-invite-step-child-to-Disneyworld-next-year

We sent a message to dsc mum yesterday fully explaining the plan, rough dates and asking if DSC would like to come but we also explained that she would need to pay upfront and we would reimburse once we are there.

Her reply was...

I will not be giving you a fucking penny.

Another text was sent explaining she would
Be paid back in full but due to the past we won’t be paying the money upfront.

She replied with a simple ‘No’.

So SC won’t be coming and her mum can’t even talk about it like a grown up. It’s a shame even if I don’t think DSC would enjoy it that much.

I will get on with booking the holiday this week and she can enjoy her trip with her mum when she goes.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my previous thread.

Perhaps I should say, I am not a stepmother.
I’ve had a stepmother. Her relationship with me and my mother was frosty. I & my siblings were inconvenient acquaintances - but both she & my mother would facilitate us seeing our dad, although other side of the country.

@hawkehurstgang

😴 i did read the other thread, I just happen to disagree with you. Is it impossible for you to believe that someone could disagree with you? I think it's hideous behaviour to pay thousands for a holiday and exclude your stepchild. It's disgusting. You can try and justify it and blame her，but you are choosing not to allow her to be included and now you have given her mum a ridiculously unreasonable offer which you must have known she wouldn't take so you can try to make it look like it was all her mums fault, but it's not. I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship with that poor child is permanently affected (or if not, i imagine it will impact the child and make her feel insecure and left out.) You and the mum are both equally to blame for not putting the child first. I'm noy saying the mum isn't unreasonable too. I'm just saying that this is NEVER the right decision - to exclude the child. I'd cancel the holiday altogether before leaving out my SC.

Well said!

I'm curious, @Ohanaa, how you plan to tell your stepdaughter about this?

Do you plan to say to her, you were invited but your mother said no? Or, you were invited as long as your mom paid for it up front, but you mother said no? Or just, "we're going to Disney next year--no not you just us"?

Your stepdaughter's mother sounds angry and difficult. It must be frustrating to deal with that. Above and beyond it, though, you sound relieved that your stepdaughter (who might "be on her phone" or "not enjoy rides") can't come.

I think that's what some posters are picking up on--the palpable feeling of relief that you don't have to deal with her on vacation. That's not to say you're an evil stepmother; in fact, you sound like a solid one. But it's also very clear that you didn't really want her on this holiday, above and beyond the difficulty of her mother. And that's tough. I think if you had presented it as, "I really want her there and it would make the family feel complete, but her mother is being difficult and cancels at the last minute, what should I do," people would be reacting differently.

I suppose in your position I'd think not of the money to be lost if she cancelled but in the trust and happiness to be lost if she weren't invited.

@Ohanaa My family of three did a week at Disneyworld and we stayed onsite and had free transport to/from the airport and our luggage was delivered straight to our hotel room also we didn't need a rental car. It was worth the extra $

If the stepdaughter is 14 why has she not been asked?
My dd is 15 and she has her own mind and I’m sure if someone was taking her to Orlando and she wanted to go, then she would go regardless of mums input.

If she doesn’t want to go then fine fair enough buys why hasn’t she been asked? Any older than 10 I would be asking her for sure. You have a whole year for her to get used to the idea of being away from home for three weeks.

Not sure where you pay for ANY holiday after you’ve actually been, so asking for payment up front is fine, surely. If OP then wants to reimburse the cost, this sounds pretty fair to me.

I've read both the threads now and I think you did the right thing.
Hope you manage to get everything booked ok.

You absolutely did the right thing OP. It amazes me the amount of posters criticising you appear to be completely ignoring that your SC's mother either refuses to allow the child to go or allows her to refuse to go at the last minute. Those that find it so unfair that your SC is missing out don't appear to have an issue with her mother's behaviour which is rather odd.

will you tell your SC?

Clearly I have read the other thread:
Mum refused a holiday ONCE when the child was 10yrs old. That is not a pattern of behaviour. She refused for a lodge which is not booked per person. (750)

If I had received a text from Exs DP - my response would have been the same.

1. It should have been her EX discussing it not you.
2. She has to shell out thousands now whilst you put down a deposit and pay the rest later.
3. She can get her monies back when you are on holiday - wtf - would not trust you or anyone who said that. If as you have said previously she is taking DSD to Orlando for 5 days she will know what you are asking is not needed.
4. No child teenager or other does not enjoy going to Disneyland
5. You did not want her to go right from the start - you got your wish.
6. You have treated her with no respect and got no respect back in response - karma

Alternative as my EX used to do was take holiday at the end of a month beginning of a next month and if SDCs were going her stopped maintenance for those two months to cover the cost!

You got what you wanted - your family to Disneyland, SDC not coming on a bunch of exaggerated claims by you. You come across as smug and I am glad you are not my SDCS SM.

How does DSD feel about this?

I think demanding the mother pay upfront guaranteed DSD wouldn't be coming, and you knew this was going to be the outcome.

You have convinced yourself this is a reasonable request (it isn't) and that you have done the right thing by 'asking' DSD with, but you have made it impossible for her to come.

I don't think you want to fork out the 'thousands' you say it'll cost to take this one child (money gifted to you) and then spend a lot of time standing around with her while you are all on rollercoasters. I think because this is your money this time, this holiday is your choice - what you and your DC want, no consideration given to DSD.

What is DH thoughts on this, how does he feel about a trip of a lifetime with only 2 of his 3 children?

You say you want to make family memories, if DSC was really considered an equal family member you would never consider a very discuss family holiday like this without her, or spending all that money on a holiday not suited to her likes, and three weeks away from her when she can't see her DF & siblings.

Her mother sounds like a nightmare, but I think you are using this as an excuse and you are not fighting hard enough to bring DSD with.

@hawkehurstgang

😴 i did read the other thread, I just happen to disagree with you. Is it impossible for you to believe that someone could disagree with you? I think it's hideous behaviour to pay thousands for a holiday and exclude your stepchild. It's disgusting. You can try and justify it and blame her，but you are choosing not to allow her to be included and now you have given her mum a ridiculously unreasonable offer which you must have known she wouldn't take so you can try to make it look like it was all her mums fault, but it's not. I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship with that poor child is permanently affected (or if not, i imagine it will impact the child and make her feel insecure and left out.) You and the mum are both equally to blame for not putting the child first. I'm noy saying the mum isn't unreasonable too. I'm just saying that this is NEVER the right decision - to exclude the child. I'd cancel the holiday altogether before leaving out my SC.

So everyone has to miss out? How is that fair? Will OP dc not be impacted then? Think it through ...

*special not discuss!

If the stepdaughter is 14 years old I'm sure she'll get over it.

Clearly I have read the other thread
Mum refused a holiday ONCE when the child was 10yrs old. That is not a pattern of behaviour.
You clearly have not read the other thread as OP very clearly explained that she didn’t include every single example over the 10 years of her cunt of a birth mother pulling out and OP / Dad being out of pocket.

Charming choice of language, what a vulgar woman.

Does she resent you?

The thread has just been scooped:

www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/whats-on/family-kids-news/mum-receives-backlash-after-planning-21055369

I think it's hideous behaviour to pay thousands for a holiday and exclude your stepchild. It's disgusting.
Repeatedly using your child as a weapon and pulling out of multiple holidays that her Dad and OP have paid for is hideous behaviour but of course the poor little ex couldn’t possibly be held responsible for her actions. How many times do people talk about boundaries on here and the importance of boundaries. OP has finally said, actually the abusing of us financially by repeatedly pulling dsd out of holidays last minute isn’t acceptable and she is the bad guy?

You can try and justify it and blame her, but you are choosing not to allow her to be included and now you have given her mum a ridiculously unreasonable offer which you must have known she wouldn't take so you can try to make it look like it was all her mums fault, but it's not.
If the birth “mother” hadn’t been using her child to hurt her ex partner by repeatedly pulling her out of holidays and leaving Him and OP to financially mop up after her MAYBE OP wouldn’t have had to put her in this situation. The ONLY person to blame here is the birth “mother” for playing stupid fucking games with her child because there is NO REASON to pull that kind of shit over and over.

I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship with that poor child is permanently affected (or if not, i imagine it will impact the child and make her feel insecure and left out.)
Again, maybe the birth “mother” shouldn’t have used her child as a fucking pawn for years to be a deliberately spiteful arsehole. There has been no reason for her to repeatedly cancel last minute other than to hurt the dad and laugh about the money they have wasted. PURE FUCKING EVIL!

You and the mum are both equally to blame for not putting the child first. I'm noy saying the mum isn't unreasonable too. I'm just saying that this is NEVER the right decision - to exclude the child.
The OP has repeatedly included her step daughter in holidays, to which sometimes it’s a straight no which is absolutely fine if dates don’t work or they have plans etc. Other times it’s pure spite of saying yes then cancelling the dsd going. How the fuck does anyone support the birth “mother” using her child in such an abhorrent manner? And yes I have been saying “mother” as no true mother who loves her child would use them in such a vile and evil way! It’s absolutely disgusting and yea, relationships will be affected when the kid is older as she will see her “mother” for what she is and what she has done.

I'd cancel the holiday altogether before leaving out my SC.
So no more holidays ever for OPs children because the ex will purposely exclude the dsd? So more children suffer because scummy mummy dearest can do no wrong. Absolutely fucked up!

@SmallPrawnEnergy

You sound really angry and aggressive about a family you don’t actually know. Presumably you’re projecting this onto your own personal situation but you seem really angry about it.

Crikey OP I would get this thread and your other one deleted sharpish now it’s in the tabloids. Imagine your DSD reading everything that’s been said about her mum and her ‘relationship’ with her dad.

Poor girl, if the mother is so horrendous it's baffling that your husband hasn't done more to try and get her out of that environment. Good for you though and his shiny new children, she will know exactly how little she means to her father.

Also, pure fucking evil is a bit over the top. I disagree with leaving the stepchild behind but I don’t think op is pure evil, she’s just doing things differently to me. I’d save pure evil for, like, murderers and rapists etc. Not a woman who cancelled a holiday once and refused to let her daughter go on one once as she had a prior engagement.

@AllyBama

Crikey OP I would get this thread and your other one deleted sharpish now it’s in the tabloids. Imagine your DSD reading everything that’s been said about her mum and her ‘relationship’ with her dad.

Maybe it would be a good thing to see exactly how her mother has behaved. Awful woman.

I've read the original thread. It does come across that you're trying to engineer a scenario where it's just "your" family on this holiday, and you're trying to dress it up with all these reasons. I don't think you're a bad step mum because of this, your kids are absolutely entitled to a holiday with their parents and shouldn't miss out if their half sibling can't/won't come. And as it's your money not joint money I absolutely understand the desire not to jizz it up the wall on a child that isn't yours, or due to her mother's selfish actions. Nobody is coming out of this covered in glory tbh.

Just a suggestion, why doesn't DH pay for his child? Or arrange with his ex to split costs at least - getting maybe half from her upfront. The pair of them need to grown up.

Maybe mum can't afford it.
It seems odd to invite the child and expect her mother to pay for it when her father is going with his wife and the other children. Can he not pay?

If the girl wants to go (she may not, it's not everyone's idea of fun), I'd talk to her about the importance of being reliable and take her.