Inviting SC to disneyworld - part 2.

[Ohanaa]

Update to my previous thread as I said I would update with the mothers reply.

Previous thread for anyone that’s missed it and reads this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4294452-To-not-invite-step-child-to-Disneyworld-next-year

We sent a message to dsc mum yesterday fully explaining the plan, rough dates and asking if DSC would like to come but we also explained that she would need to pay upfront and we would reimburse once we are there.

Her reply was...

I will not be giving you a fucking penny.

Another text was sent explaining she would
Be paid back in full but due to the past we won’t be paying the money upfront.

She replied with a simple ‘No’.

So SC won’t be coming and her mum can’t even talk about it like a grown up. It’s a shame even if I don’t think DSC would enjoy it that much.

I will get on with booking the holiday this week and she can enjoy her trip with her mum when she goes.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my previous thread.

I'm noy saying the mum isn't unreasonable too. I'm just saying that this is NEVER the right decision - to exclude the child. I'd cancel the holiday altogether before leaving out my SC.

Well, that's you. I would not be willing to make my own children miss out due to circumstances like this. DSD herself has also been flaky in the past, it isn't just the mum.

When someone has repeatedly taken actions which cause you to lose money, why on earth would you give them the chance to waste even more of it? Nobody sane would do that.

OP is funding this entire trip, and is quite willing to fund it for her DSD as well, all she is asking for is some commitment. It would not cost child's mother a penny as long as she stood by that commitment but sending a rude response just proves that she cannot be trusted.

I think you’ve done completely the right thing!
You invited SC but also covered yourself financially. Now SC won’t feel you’ve left her out and you can give her some spending money for when she goes with her mum.

@Nayday

Oh good lord not this again.

OP you've known since post 1 you're not inviting DSC. The kid missed one holiday 3 years ago due to Christmas where you didn't lose money as it was a cottage type thing. This has been extrapolated into her DM will sabotage this holiday and many other imagined reasons why DSC can't possibly be invited.

Approx 80% of the previous thread said YABU.

Still no sign of DH's opinion on his kid's invite.

I really hope all of this goes over your DSC head.

Oh good lord another idiot who’s ignored the ops post. Also you are wrong. I fully read the last thread and it most certainly wasn’t anywhere near 80% ybu. If anything more people thought the op was nbu so stop trying to change the facts.

@Ohanaa I'm really sorry if I've missed this, but does DSD actually want to go? At her age she does have a choice and everyone should be respecting that too.

I do agree you've gone about this the right way with her mums previous actions.

The OP will not 'lose' £1000s!!! If the stepchild goes she will still be out of that money - OP if you and DH are happy to pay for a holiday for SD then book it and pay (if the SD wants to go obvs). If the mum/SD causes her to pull out last minute the only one losing out is the SD missing a holiday, you don't lose anything. You get a bigger than needed car and accommodation into the bargain. If you don't see it this way it sounds just like you're trying to save money by making your SD/her mum agree to pull out before you even book!

I think you have done the right thing too, seeing as she has pulled her daughter out last minute on other trips, I wouldn’t want to pay all that money and then she doesn’t go.

If the child asks why she’s not going then I would explain that you asked her mum and she said ‘no’. It’s her mother’s fault she’s missing out.

@hawkehurstgang

😴 i did read the other thread, I just happen to disagree with you. Is it impossible for you to believe that someone could disagree with you? I think it's hideous behaviour to pay thousands for a holiday and exclude your stepchild. It's disgusting. You can try and justify it and blame her，but you are choosing not to allow her to be included and now you have given her mum a ridiculously unreasonable offer which you must have known she wouldn't take so you can try to make it look like it was all her mums fault, but it's not. I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship with that poor child is permanently affected (or if not, i imagine it will impact the child and make her feel insecure and left out.) You and the mum are both equally to blame for not putting the child first. I'm noy saying the mum isn't unreasonable too. I'm just saying that this is NEVER the right decision - to exclude the child. I'd cancel the holiday altogether before leaving out my SC.

What the fuck are you on about?

The mother said no when her daughter was invited. The mother has form for pulling out last minute, seemingly out of her own spite, and evidently not considering her own daughter’s wellbeing. She is also astonishingly rude.

Why on earth should all of the children miss out because the mother is so selfish?

Are you the mother?

As the child of a mother who pulled exactly these kind of stunts on my father you have done the right thing.

SD is collateral damage no matter what you do

@Cassandraprobs what a load of crap!

Why would anyone pay loads more money for bigger accommodation and car than they need? That's just utterly pointless!

As OP has stated, prices have massively increased, especially in Orlando. Flights and accommodation for me, DH and a child normally cost us £1200 (we always booked with BA sale and stayed on international drive). Fast forward to 2022 for same flights and hotel with same 2 weeks we go is now £4300!!! So yes, the OP does stand to lose thousands if the mum pulls her usual....

This was 100% the right approach in this situation.

You needed some sort of guarantee that your SD would be coming if you were forking out the cash, so it was reasonable to ask for the guarantee given her mother has cancelled on a whim previously.

You did the right thing inviting sd. Enjoy your holiday

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@Cassandraprobs what a load of crap!

Why would anyone pay loads more money for bigger accommodation and car than they need? That's just utterly pointless!

As OP has stated, prices have massively increased, especially in Orlando. Flights and accommodation for me, DH and a child normally cost us £1200 (we always booked with BA sale and stayed on international drive). Fast forward to 2022 for same flights and hotel with same 2 weeks we go is now £4300!!! So yes, the OP does stand to lose thousands if the mum pulls her usual.... [/quote]
It's not bigger than they need, they're inviting the SD so they need that accommodation/car. If the SD pulls out it's unfortunate, same as if another one of the group couldn't go last minute, but you don't push someone to pull out before you even book just in case they pull out later!!! If the holiday in general is too expensive then yes, invite less people or do a different holiday but have the grace to just not invite SD then if that's how they feel instead of only wanting to pay for her if she's paid an upfront 'bond'

@buffyajp I have RTFT.

I've made no personal name calling to the OP because it's nasty and unnecessary - let facts speak. I'm not going to analyze the results so unless you'd like to let's agree to differ on our mutual opinion on which way the thread went.

It was rude and unwarranted to call me an idiot.

@Cassandraprobs it's different when it's you who is left out or pocket for someone else's spiteful behaviour....

Some people clearly haven't read the previous thread.

Not only has sd pulled out of holidays last minute, she's never been away from her mum for even a week and this trip is 3 weeks long.

I also think you knew she would say no and didn't want her there and yes I saw your thread. People are entitled to disagree with you.

The dsc is already going to Florida next year with her own mum so maybe isn’t really bothered?

I'm with you on this one, OP.

It's a shame for the step daughter but her mums game playing is to blame.

I wonder (but not really, because we all know they would have been) if the responses would have been different if you were her mum wanting to take her away, but your ex had a history of saying no last minute, costing you hundreds in the past...

@Cassandraprobs

The OP will not 'lose' £1000s!!! If the stepchild goes she will still be out of that money - OP if you and DH are happy to pay for a holiday for SD then book it and pay (if the SD wants to go obvs). If the mum/SD causes her to pull out last minute the only one losing out is the SD missing a holiday, you don't lose anything. You get a bigger than needed car and accommodation into the bargain. If you don't see it this way it sounds just like you're trying to save money by making your SD/her mum agree to pull out before you even book!

There is a huge difference between being happy to spend the money on DSD going on holiday with them, and being happy about pointlessly spending that money if she pull out. Of course the OP loses £1000s if she has paid for flights and tickets, and wasted money on an unnecessarily large car and accommodation and then the child doesn't go

Poor girl. It sounds really toxic family situation where the child is suffering for the past behaviour of her mother, who she can’t control or be responsible for.

To be honest, I’m not sure why you asked for advice given that you were clearly not inviting the child from the beginning. The invite wasn’t really an invite, is her mum likely to have the money just lying around to give to you anyway?

Regardless, at least stepdaughter is going with her mum and grandmother to Disney so isn’t missing out as much as if she wasn’t going at all. Maybe if she is going first you could encourage her to make a guide for your kids, or perhaps do a challenge of taking photos in the same places to share with each other so you feel the holidays are connected in some way. We did this with sil when both our families went in separate days out to the same NT property, we took photos of the kids in the same place on different days, the kids found it fun.

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@Cassandraprobs it's different when it's you who is left out or pocket for someone else's spiteful behaviour.... [/quote]
What the mum is doing is awful and completely unnecessary, I have no sympathy for her but you either invite the SD or not based on how things currently are. If the mum is so sh*tty then sadly they may not invite the SD then. Not what I'd personally do, I'd do a cheaper holiday where it wouldn't make much difference but saying she's only invited if the mum pays a bond is sinking to her level and totally unreasonable.

I am with you OP. I wouldn't put myself in the position where you would likely pay all of that money for DSD to come with you and then she drops out.

Go and have an amazing time, the four of you.

It's sad for DSD that her mum seems to be holding her back like this. If I was you, I would try and do lots of days out with DSD so that she's not missing out on experiences with you and DH. It would be lovely when she's a bit older for her to make her own decisions and holiday with you.

I read your other thread. I suspect your SD’s mother can be quite difficult from the response but your invitation wasn’t exactly an open arms one. What if she doesn’t have the money to pay upfront? It feels like the SD has been caught up in a lot of messy dynamics though no fault of her own.

I still think there could have been other alternatives that might have involved a bit more compromise on both sides but would have meant your SD still being able to have gone on holiday (eg 2 weeks not 3 or planning some days around her interests).

And I wouldn’t tell the stepdaughter you asked her mum if she could go and she said no. If you’re going to tell her the truth it needs to be the full truth - we asked your mum to pay upfront for you to come and she said no, so you can’t come because in the past you have been unreliable at coming on holidays/days out and we don’t want to lose out on the money. It’s fair that she knows the full reason why she isn’t coming.