Inviting SC to disneyworld - part 2.

[Ohanaa]

Update to my previous thread as I said I would update with the mothers reply.

Previous thread for anyone that’s missed it and reads this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4294452-To-not-invite-step-child-to-Disneyworld-next-year

We sent a message to dsc mum yesterday fully explaining the plan, rough dates and asking if DSC would like to come but we also explained that she would need to pay upfront and we would reimburse once we are there.

Her reply was...

I will not be giving you a fucking penny.

Another text was sent explaining she would
Be paid back in full but due to the past we won’t be paying the money upfront.

She replied with a simple ‘No’.

So SC won’t be coming and her mum can’t even talk about it like a grown up. It’s a shame even if I don’t think DSC would enjoy it that much.

I will get on with booking the holiday this week and she can enjoy her trip with her mum when she goes.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my previous thread.

@PineapplePatsy

What a shame the child misses out

I’d agree too if not for the fact that dsd wouldn’t like to actually go on a rollercoaster holiday for more time than she’s ever been away from her mother.

She’s not missing out on anything that she’s actually like to do.

It’s done now so I’d draw a line and move on.

The mother is in the wrong for pissing around intentionally ruining your plans which aim to include SD. SD is well old enough to understand that having dropped out of previous trips has an impact on other people and that has consequences.

Oh op.

The poor dc been saddled with adults behaving like kids.

I don't care who is at fault but one thing is for sure it certainly isn't the 13yr old child.

I did read the previous thread... I still couldn't imagine leaving a child out of this holiday because of their mother. If you were to include her, then the mother pulls her out of the plans, then DSC can blame her mother. I just think it's sad this child is stuck in the middle.

Blimey. No one comes out of this well, least of all you OP.

Why are you dealing with it, not your dh, dsd's father?

What were her reasons for pulling out last time?

You want her to pay for her child to go away with her ex and step mum. Not herself.

Uou keep saying that you know the child won't enjoy it.

Let's not pretend you're the reasonable step mum in this. Uou don't want the child to come. You've played a game and the mum has bitten. Well done you win. You got your way and you don't look like the bad guy.

Sorry but you're wrong. And not a nice person.

@Carboholic

The thread has just been scooped:

www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/whats-on/family-kids-news/mum-receives-backlash-after-planning-21055369

This is exactly how DSD will find out she was the result of a bored fuck, as OP so eloquently put in her last thread.

Poor child.

OP, it would appear that you have been branded the 'Wicked Stepmother'.

You do realise that you are not allowed to treat your DC with your money. Your SC must always come first.

*I think if you had presented it as, "I really want her there and it would make the family feel complete, but her mother is being difficult and cancels at the last minute, what should I do," people would be reacting differently.

I suppose in your position I'd think not of the money to be lost if she cancelled but in the trust and happiness to be lost if she weren't invited.*

I think both parts of this are a little unrealistic. Other unrelated adults on here being offended if OP doesn't give the impression she needs her DSD to be there for her family to feel "complete" is just setting the bar a bit too high, it's not a realistic reflection of how most step parents feel. And equally in her position, I wouldn't be willing to spend loads of my own money just to spare feelings. I would understand if my DP, my step child's father, did, but yeah, not me personally.

It's always very easy to say "in your position I'd do this and I'd feel this about my SC, and if you don't then I will judge you as nasty" when you haven't actually lived that life.

I don't blame you for the way you're doing this. You haven't made it clear (or maybe I'm just dim) whether you're telling dsd about it. I think, as she's 13, she deserves to be kept in the loop and to know as early as possible why she's not going with you - because I bet if you told her it was a 3 week holiday for all 5 of you, that she would seriously consider it, even if it was to a mushroom farm in the dark!

She may relish the idea of family time, being helpful big sister (don't mention that to her ever!) just for the feeling of inclusion and safety it would engender. I'm not suggesting she doesn't feel that with as it is, but the opportunity to increase what's already there. That's one of the reasons families holiday together - or do anything together really, isn't it? To deepen the ties already there.

Anyway, I know that as a child of that sort of age, knowing that there was trouble between my parents, I would be happy to spend time with you even if you were doing something I wasn't remotely interested in. In fact, that sort of thing happened to me a lot.....

I think you’ve done the exact right thing

Friend of mine in almost a similar situation. She shelled out over £15,000 on extra spaces for holidays over 10 years. None of which she needed to do due to the mother being nasty.

Yes the child is missing out. But the Op has tried over and over again and keeps getting stiffed. This is the only reasonable chance at of doing it. No point in losing stuff for the other children if she loses thousands trying to help one. Of which the mother won’t allow them

The problem isn’t the OP. The child is invited. But due to what’s happened previously. They’ve asked for help this time. She doesn’t even lose that money. She gets it back.

I can imagine incidents like this are going to sorely affect your DSDs relationship with all of you when she reflects on it as an adult.

It sounds like the ex has been difficult, but to exclude her from a family holiday because the ex can't come up with thousands unbudgeted for before the end of the month?

The whole thing is a sorry situation.

@bogoffmda

Clearly I have read the other thread: Mum refused a holiday ONCE when the child was 10yrs old. That is not a pattern of behaviour. She refused for a lodge which is not booked per person. (750)

If I had received a text from Exs DP - my response would have been the same.

1. It should have been her EX discussing it not you.
2. She has to shell out thousands now whilst you put down a deposit and pay the rest later.
3. She can get her monies back when you are on holiday - wtf - would not trust you or anyone who said that. If as you have said previously she is taking DSD to Orlando for 5 days she will know what you are asking is not needed.
4. No child teenager or other does not enjoy going to Disneyland
5. You did not want her to go right from the start - you got your wish.
6. You have treated her with no respect and got no respect back in response - karma

Alternative as my EX used to do was take holiday at the end of a month beginning of a next month and if SDCs were going her stopped maintenance for those two months to cover the cost!

You got what you wanted - your family to Disneyland, SDC not coming on a bunch of exaggerated claims by you. You come across as smug and I am glad you are not my SDCS SM.

Yeah this basically. You didn't want to take her and you found an excuse not to. I don't know why you're trying to dress this up as something else.

And if you'd told me to pay out a heapload of cash within 2 weeks to secure my child a place to go on holiday with her father, my reply would have probably been a darn sight ruder than the one you got.

This is such a bizarre thread. Of course you are right OP. I think that all the posters expecting you to just lose all that money if the mum suddenly says no to her child going must be loaded and hate step parents for their own personal reasons.

Also, it's clear from her response that she is sulking and annoyed that she won't have the opportunity to stop her child going with you at the last minute and costing you lots of money and stress. She sounds horrible. Go on holiday and have a nice time with your kids. You are 100% in the right!

Wow! Come to this thread if you want a lesson in projection!

You made the right decision OP.

I'm not surprised by your response from ex. My DHs ex would have responded the same way.

Unfortunately she cannot see past the bit where she isn't actually paying. She's just paying you upfront to confirm the place and prevent any silly games as she's pulled in the past.

This update will go down like a pile of steaming s"&* though; it shows the reality of what dealing with a bitter ex is like for many families and many women on here who are in the same position don't like it - it goes against the standard stepmum bashing

Comes down to money doesn't it. Some people care most about money, other people care most about family.

Very obvious who's who on this thread.

Having read the previous thread, I totally understand where you are coming from.

It’s a guarantee that if the mother says “please pay. I promise I won’t stop Annie from going this time” she will. She will wait till the 11th hour, and pull her out

@beastlyslumber

Comes down to money doesn't it. Some people care most about money, other people care most about family.

Very obvious who's who on this thread.

Some people have thousands to spare and have zero awareness of what it's like not being in that position. Very obvious who on this thread.

I said upthread about how my DCs' SM would never in a month of Sundays exclude her SCs from a holiday. Never.

XH can be a bit of an arsehole at times, but even he wouldn't take 3 weeks out of his annual leave and not spend any of it with his DC. And as a single parent, I'd be mightily pissed off if he did.

Thankfully, my DCs have adults as parents - whether that's birth parents or step parents.

Sorry but you're wrong. And not a nice person.

I would have disagreed with you earlier on but I’ve just remembered some of OPs comments on other threads regarding SC. Now I agree with you.

@OllyBJolly same here. While my DH and his ex don't see eye to eye with things, she would never deprive their daughter of a holiday - a chance to see new places and create new memories.

Those saying they would rather cancel than leave the SC out:..

How is that fair on OP’s children?

SC is already going to Florida with her mother and grandmother. Why should OP’s children have to miss out? Should she never take her kids anyway because of SC?