Invited but only when DSC are here

[PurpleyBlue]

My DH and I have a child and I have DSC. His family have taken to inviting us to family things but it's always "if DSC are with you then would you like to come round?" Does anyone else get this? It feels a bit insulting somehow, like we are only welcome when all the children are together.

@PurpleyBlue

they're actually sending a message that your shared child can only count on contact weekends with the DSC. this is what I'm a bit worried about. Like the DSC are the people that matter and if they aren't there then DC isn't important.

I think that is a very common thing is stepfamilies. It comes up in all sorts of ways on this board and so many of the replies will implicitly (or explicitly) support the notion that all that matters is the SC bit feeling 'left out'.

I do think that it is inappropriate for grandparents or anyone else but the two adults in the stepfamily you think they should decide what is 'fair' in relation to the children. It's just not their call.

I’d stop seeing them if that’s how they felt about my child and me. DH can take the DSC without you and your DC if he wants to but I’m afraid life is far too short to spend time with arseholes like this. If the DSC are the only ones who matter they don’t deserve to see you or your DC at all. No loss to you. Instead of framing it as them getting what they want finally and somehow winning see it as you winning because who wants to be around such selfish knob heads.

funinthesun19 they'll make a little fuss over DC but then its almost as if they don't want DSC to feel put out over them making a fuss and then they spend most their time asking DSC questions about their mum/mum's relatives etc.

I think that is a very common thing is stepfamilies. It comes up in all sorts of ways on this board and so many of the replies will implicitly (or explicitly) support the notion that all that matters is the SC bit feeling 'left out'.

The classic victims of a broken home narrative. Does no one any favours. Not the step kids who get a wrong unhelpful idea of their superiority, not the neglected subsequent children.

But they live with their mum and dad. So their needs don’t matter

AnneLovesGilbert I'm thinking DH needs to talk to them first. They might not be aware of how it is coming across in terms of DC. It's a bit "poor DSC" sometimes even though the divorce was years ago and everyone has moved on.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’d stop seeing them if that’s how they felt about my child and me. DH can take the DSC without you and your DC if he wants to but I’m afraid life is far too short to spend time with arseholes like this. If the DSC are the only ones who matter they don’t deserve to see you or your DC at all. No loss to you. Instead of framing it as them getting what they want finally and somehow winning see it as you winning because who wants to be around such selfish knob heads.

This is kind of where I am with my MIL. Although, I wouldn't be happy with my husband taking the baby to visit her with the SC. There's just too much favouritism and bullshit and I don't think it's ok at all.

If MIL wants a relationship with all her grandchildren, she can rethink her approach and attitude entirely. Or she can make do with only seeing the favourite grandkids (and still favouring one of them over the other).

So the only bit of time they allow your DC to be there is mainly them spending it talking to DSC and they feel too guilty to show DC much attention in front of DSCs. Bloody hell.

Could it be that they think if you visit without the SC, then it's a while until you visit again, that they then go a long time without seeing them? So they prefer to arrange visits that include all the children to minimise that risk? Clutching at straws there maybe..

Can't make sense of them asking about the SC mum the whole time though, that sounds a bit weird . Was she particularly friendly with them?

I would absolutely call them out on this, unless it's specifically a playdate for DSC then it's very rude to invite someone over but only on the condition they bring someone with them, otherwise they are not invited. This would make me have very little to do with them. Don't let people talk you into thinking it's fair enough for them to do that, it's rude.

@funinthesun19

So the only bit of time they allow your DC to be there is mainly them spending it talking to DSC and they feel too guilty to show DC much attention in front of DSCs. Bloody hell.

I guess maybe they think DC must get a lot of attention from everyone else. I mean they just toddle around happily. But as they get older it needs to change. I mean they don't even talk to me that much, as I said in PP they have often only remembered to ask about me just as we are leaving! I think they just get wrapped up in catching up with the DSC though so I don't worry about that.

@PurpleyBlue

dorris88 it didn't sit quite right with me, almost as if my DC wasn't enough but now I've read some of the responses here I think it is them just trying to be fair in their own way.

It shouldn't sit right with you!

Whether they mean to or not they are very much sending the message that you, your DH and your child are unimportant to them and only worth bothering with when they want access to your DH's older child.

I'm afraid this would put me right off seeing them tbh. It's a very hurtful attitude from them.

Do you have to be invited? Can you just pop round to see in laws with your dc? I’m just asking as I have never been ‘invited’ to call round unless it’s for a bbq or some sort of celebration.

I’m thinking the only time your in laws get to see their grandchildren is when they are with you. Are they just asking, “Will you have GC with you next week? If so it would be lovely for us to see them” or words to that effect. I’m not sure they are saying they only want to see you and your dc only if the other GC are with you. More because they are with you it would be lovely to see you all 🤔

Could it be that they think if you visit without the SC, then it's a while until you visit again, that they then go a long time without seeing them?

Ooooh maybe! In which case DH should reassure them that any visits without DSC are additional I guess.

Can't make sense of them asking about the SC mum the whole time though I think they liked her, refused to believe she cheated on my DH. DH gets hurt by it but it makes sense to me they'd ask the DSC how their family are.

Been there and now NC with OH's parents, we have a small child. They clearly favoured his first child age 10 and frequently invited just OH and DSS. When I said to him that's a bit off he raised it with them and he said you can't see just him; it's all of us or none of us. So they took to going over to OH Ex's house instead and she facilitates it. OH is a stick head in sand type of person and still has a relationship with them, me and DD are NC and tbh I'd rather pretend they didn't exist than have her exposed to their toxic behaviour.

@PurpleyBlue

Could it be that they think if you visit without the SC, then it's a while until you visit again, that they then go a long time without seeing them?

Ooooh maybe! In which case DH should reassure them that any visits without DSC are additional I guess.

Can't make sense of them asking about the SC mum the whole time though I think they liked her, refused to believe she cheated on my DH. DH gets hurt by it but it makes sense to me they'd ask the DSC how their family are.

My friend had a similar upset re her in laws always talking about her husbands ex. I don't blame her really, they really liked the ex (and the break up with amicable) but it's pretty unreasonable to talk about her all through the visit!

TenBobNote invited or sometimes DH says "shall we come round". They are not too far away but far enough away for it to need to be arranged rather than spontaneous.

It is definitely, if the DSC aren't there never mind. So one example that sticks in mind was an Auntie visiting them and we were asked did we and DSC want to visit at the same time. DH said they were at mum's but we three could still go, response was definitely along the lines of (can't remember exact words) "no don't bother if you haven't got DSC, maybe next time she's here you'll have them".

I think they liked her, refused to believe she cheated on my DH. DH gets hurt by it but it makes sense to me they'd ask the DSC how their family are.

OPPPPP why are you making so many excuses for them?? These people are being incredibly rude and dismissive towards you, your husband and your child. He needs to speak to them about it.

Of course it is OK for them to ask SC how their mum is, but to spend so much time talking about her is not on.

blahblahblah321 I understand a bit of asking how she is etc but it's very ex and her family heavy. I don't really mind that but DH does. It was a bit award when they asked how I was at the end of a long day visit and I said ok but relative had died recently. Then off we went!

*awkward

I guess maybe they think DC must get a lot of attention from everyone else. I mean they just toddle around happily. But as they get older it needs to change.

My 2 year old DD toddles around happily and gets loads of attention from people. My older children get attention too. They’re all my children and I would be very hurt if my parents thought they should ignore my 2 year old in order to keep my older ones happy.
My parents get a balance. They have all of them round for a play, take them all out, and then sometimes yes they do have the older ones round one their own for a sleepover (tried with dd and she hated it and wanted me) or they take the older ones out somewhere that a 2 year old is too young for at the moment.
But they would never make out my 2 year old is unwelcome without the older ones. My dad often has her when the older ones are at school and she gets to have some fun centred around her for a bit like the older ones get as mentioned above.

I don’t think there is any excuse for leaving little ones out and focusing on the older ones all the time. Especially in your situation where there is a very clear window of opportunity to spend time with the little one.

If your in laws are anything like my exILs, then it won’t make any difference when your DC is older. Their interests are still with exDSC even though my children are older now. My eldest is 10 so age really isn’t an excuse. Oh well, their loss and they’re not really my problem anymore.

@PurpleyBlue

In that case that’s very weird (batshit) behaviour from the GP’s. I wouldn’t be happy with my in laws favouring one set of GC. Your DH needs to sort it out with them.

Bibidy2 I guess I just didn't let it bother me until now as I can see it's going to affect DC. I just thought they were a bit socially awkward/not sure how to handle the divorce so overcompensating.

@PurpleyBlue

Bibidy2 I guess I just didn't let it bother me until now as I can see it's going to affect DC. I just thought they were a bit socially awkward/not sure how to handle the divorce so overcompensating.

Understandable but your DH needs to speak to them about this asap as it's completely unacceptable and you are right, it will affect your child as they grow older.

Tbh I know if my DP's parents acted this way then none of us would be seeing them very regularly, SC included. It's not OK for them to treat you all this way. If they are going to be so nasty I'd be tempted to let them see SC on their mum's time and not bother visiting when we had them.

@CMSdividend I cannot believe that what idiots!!!!

Fishy, I meant DH takes just his older DC, not the one with OP. No way would my child be tagging along like an unwelcome after thought who’s a poor extension of their half siblings rather than a person in her own right.