Invited but only when DSC are here

[PurpleyBlue]

My DH and I have a child and I have DSC. His family have taken to inviting us to family things but it's always "if DSC are with you then would you like to come round?" Does anyone else get this? It feels a bit insulting somehow, like we are only welcome when all the children are together.

@Tiredoftattler

I think that many may be missing 2 salient points. The first is that my cousin's wife probably has no more need or desire to spend time with his mother than does his mother have a need or desire to spend time with her , and second, both women recognize that they each love and care deeply about the children.

My cousin's wife's status as his wife is not dependent upon acceptance or validation by his mother, and his mother's status in his life is not tied to acceptance or validation by his wife.

These are all adults who are comfortable within their own roles and standing. The ex and the wife are each invited to holiday events at his mother's home . She would never be less than cordial to the mothers of her precious grandchildren in her home. They never choose to come and that is fine with her.

This is disengagement working to their mutual satisfaction. I think it is better than forced or false interactions. The 3 women are all very self confident and probably more alike than any of them realize or would admit.

The children know that they are loved by all of the adults in their sphere, and they are not subjected to hostile or acrimonious interactions. The acceptance and respect for individual boundaries is amazing and it seems to work for them.

You’re doing a great job of inferring how everyone involved is feeling and by applying your own moral compass.

As others have said and as you have alluded to. You actually have no idea how your cousins wife feels.

@Tiredoftattler Nobody missed that. The point is you did not describe the situation as "none of the women like each other so they mutually and happily avoid each other", you said the aunt WILL not see her when she sees the kids and is "a stickler for her visitation guidelines". That is a very different situation, that is her making rules and banning people from her presence. Perhaps it was in your wording, but what you described was NOT mutually respectful.

I think that many may be missing 2 salient points. The first is that my cousin's wife probably has no more need or desire to spend time with his mother than does his mother have a need or desire to spend time with her , and second, both women recognize that they each love and care deeply about the children.

I just don't think this is a salient point, it's not actually a mutual agreement, your aunt has unilaterally decided what she will accept and your cousin therefore falls into line.

I also have no need or desire to spend time with my MIL but that doesn't mean she's OK to exclude me and my child from her life unless certain conditions are met. I am the partner of her son.

I do applaud your cousin's wife though, she's obviously a very big person to allow this to continue so that her children can have a relationship with their grandmother. I couldn't do that if someone would only accept seeing them on the basis my SCs were always there too.

Sorry, I didn't see Sofa's comment before I posted mine, didn't mean to parrot!

These are all adults who are comfortable within their own roles and standing or 2nd wife feels she has no choice but to go along with it if she is ever to be seen as part if the family

@PurpleyBlue

These are all adults who are comfortable within their own roles and standing or 2nd wife feels she has no choice but to go along with it if she is ever to be seen as part if the family

Yes or even worse, she gets the blame for fracturing the relationship between mother and son and grandmother and grandchildren if she puts her foot down. Her husband shouldn't be allowing this to continue, it's such a huge disrespect to his wife.

@Tiredoftattler

I think that many may be missing 2 salient points. The first is that my cousin's wife probably has no more need or desire to spend time with his mother than does his mother have a need or desire to spend time with her , and second, both women recognize that they each love and care deeply about the children.

My cousin's wife's status as his wife is not dependent upon acceptance or validation by his mother, and his mother's status in his life is not tied to acceptance or validation by his wife.

These are all adults who are comfortable within their own roles and standing. The ex and the wife are each invited to holiday events at his mother's home . She would never be less than cordial to the mothers of her precious grandchildren in her home. They never choose to come and that is fine with her.

This is disengagement working to their mutual satisfaction. I think it is better than forced or false interactions. The 3 women are all very self confident and probably more alike than any of them realize or would admit.

The children know that they are loved by all of the adults in their sphere, and they are not subjected to hostile or acrimonious interactions. The acceptance and respect for individual boundaries is amazing and it seems to work for them.

Life as viewed through the TiredofTattler filter.

I'm sure his wife doesn't let her husband's extended family know quite how she actually feels about her bloody awful mother in law (your aunt). Why on Earth would she?

I'd love to hear her version of events rather than the weird version you give.

I'd say it's extremely telling that despite the protestations here that the aunt would never be less than 'cordial' to the DIL whose house she refuses to visit herself, neither the DiL nor the ex chooses to take the woman upon her offer.

The actual details look like a husband who can't bear to cut his toxic mother out/bangs on about how it's important his kids know his mother and a wife who says, 'fine. You take the kids to visit your mother on your own then'.

There is no reason beyond @Tiredoftattler's determination to present this as a mutually agreed and beneficial situation to assume the DIL isn't fuming about how utterly awful her husband's entire bloody family are. Because most people would be very pissed off about this.

@Bibidy don't you know that anyone who isn't bloody delighted to be disrespected, excluded and sidelined by mother in laws, stepchildren, their husband or anyone else is just immature and 'not secure in their in standing'.

A woman who is annoyed that her husband can't be bothered to stop his children using her bedroom like their own and taking all her stuff is totally unreasonable for not recognising that her husband is perfectly happy in his parenting choices. If she were secure enough in herself, she'd simply smile and see it as a difference of opinion and surrender to her husband's will.

It's like life through the looking glass, described as if it's the rest of us that are standing on our heads.

I'm perfectly "secure in my standing" but if DH's ex was invited round at the same time as me and my husband and she turned up I would walk out. I probably wouldn't even go if I knew she was invited (which I suspect is what happens in @Tiredoftattler's example). Why would my husband's mother feel it appropriate to invite his ex round. I mean I know my inlaws seem overly interested to know how she is doing but I don't think they would hurt their own son like that.

Even his Aunty wouldn't hurt him like that.

I do feel like I have found my kin here! It's nice to feel we are not alone but at the same time it's awful how many vicious grandmothers there are out there
OH once suggested I back down. Promptly told him that wasn't happening and until they apologise directly to me (which he suggested they need to) I will not entertain seeing them even in a neutral setting. That was months and months ago. MIL posts memes on Facebook about how we all make mistakes and we are all human. I have to sit on my hands every time I see one!!!

@PurpleyBlue I have been in her life for 7 years 🙈 I was more hurt for my son and maybe because there are just pictures everywhere of all the other kids and only one of my son because I have it to grandparents as a gift and a big bloody hint haha

However I had recently put some new nice photos up ok my living room 2 of my son and the first comment made was where are the photos of the other? To which I replied... the hallway which is where DD chose to hang it. It's infuriating partially because I don't think they all even realise they do it sometimes 🙂

@aSofaNearYou I know trust me... I was really angry and maybe to spite them I kept us both away for a few weeks as I just couldn't be bothered. I don't think they realise how much they do and say little things that make me paint this picture of them but it is constant, i feel like I want to address it but I think I'll just come across as a mum of one demanding my son be the favourite which isn't the case at all!

@CMSdividend

I do feel like I have found my kin here! It's nice to feel we are not alone but at the same time it's awful how many vicious grandmothers there are out there OH once suggested I back down. Promptly told him that wasn't happening and until they apologise directly to me (which he suggested they need to) I will not entertain seeing them even in a neutral setting. That was months and months ago. MIL posts memes on Facebook about how we all make mistakes and we are all human. I have to sit on my hands every time I see one!!!

I find it best to not have any in-laws on Facebook at all. In fact, neither MIL nor I have each other's phone number or anything. I don't need it as I have never needed to contact her. She's my husband's mother; he can deal with her.

I get on quite well with my husband's stepmother. I may have angrily mentioned to my husband that I can absolutely see why FIL left MIL 35 years ago. He was probably desperate to get away. And why he's been happily married to June (not her actual name) for the last 32 years, within MIL's earshot the last time I saw her (during which time I determined that I have no need to interact with the woman and her toxicity any more).

The whole, 'your father's defective genes will out the more children you have. You've been so lucky with your eldest two but the craziness always comes out [pitying look at baby DS]' was the final straw really. I'm not sure deciding that I didn't have to listen to the vile things she was saying about mental illness (knowing about my issues with PND) and her own DD's life long struggles with mental illness) any longer nor does DS need to spend time with a grandmother who is openly talking about him as the 'defective one'.

I don't think that's in any way a reflection of my insecurities or failure to respect boundaries. It's me insisting that my boundaries are respected. And those I have on behalf of my infant son.

@mommabear2386 that's awful. Policing you in your own home. I'll report back once DH has had the chat. Possibly this weekend.

@FishyFriday
I don’t know how you were able to listen to your child being described as “defective” without punching her in the face!

[quote DinoHat]@FishyFriday
I don’t know how you were able to listen to your child being described as “defective” without punching her in the face![/quote]
I just walked out with DS and she saw no more of him the rest of the visit. Her loss frankly.

My H was apparently the oblivious to his mother's vitriol and seemed to be confused about why I decided his mother could basically fuck off forever. I was just extremely angry with him too - for several reasons.

His mother had the cheek and was misogynistic enough to suggest to him that I must be perimenomausal for being so irrational. 🤬

In my cousin's defense, he has of the 3 women involved only his mother "loves all of his children." The wife and the ex each care only about their particular children.

He Is not bothered by his ex being present for holidays. He says that his marriage failed because of his selfishness and immaturity and that the ex is a good mother to his children.

I think that he has no problem with his mom inviting both women as it
her house and she has the same connections to both women. They are each the mother of her grandchildren.

I think that the 2 women view her as their children's grandmother and appreciate the love and involvement that she has with the kids I do not think that either of them want or need any more involvement with her than they currently have, and I do not get any sense that they are looking to change anything.
My cousin has a good relationship with, his mom and he understands that her approval of the women in his life is not required for him to have a happy life. She does not go into his house and she creates no friction in his,household.

Their situation ,at least on the surface, appears to be far less conflict laden than most of the relationships described on this site.

They all seem to have mastered the process of disengagement in a way that does not obstruct or interfere with their daily living. None of them seem to be longing for some lost or unrealized fantasy experiences. They seem to have created a process that works for them.

Isn't that what most people are seeking - a process that works for them?

She doesn't have the same connection to both. One is her daughter in law and one isn't.
It's as simple as that.

Exactly that @Youseethethingis !
What would she say @Tiredoftattler if the children asked why mummy (wife) doesn't come? Because it was inferred (he never said it outright) that maybe my OH could take DD on his own. I know their (PIL) game and they'd be drip dripping poison into DDs ears like they did DSS.
If your cousin's DC asked where mummy was what would she or he say? Would they be truthful? Have you even asked his wife how she feels about it herself?

@Youseethethingis
She views her connection to both of the women as simply the grandmother to their children. It is not unlike the step children who may view you as dad's wife rather than as a step mother.

According to my aunt he is simply with one of this women now in exactly the same way that he was with the other in the past. She does not attempt to tell him how to feel about either of them ,and she has said that he cannot tell her how to feel about either of them.

Real relationships and connections do not magically appear with the marriage license and must be cultivated and developed. This does not seem to be happening in this situation, and family connections evolve over time. They do not simply appear because someone has said "I do."

Please understand that these people do not appear to be unhappy or in anyway dissatisfied with their arrangement. What is working for them is not the way that most people would do it, but it dies appear to working for them.

I guess that is what is meant by " different strokes for different folks. "

do not appear to be unhappy or in anyway dissatisfied with their arrangement

It seems more like it's so awkward for the ex and the 2nd wife that they don't bother with her

I guess I see it a 3 women who have no need to have any kind if close or personal relationship with each other. Nothing particularly complex about that. Not everyone who marries into a family is fortunate enough to develop close relationships within the family.

Disengagement is often recommended as a solution to family conflicts. These people all on their own seem to have reached that conclusion.

I am starting to think that some people are offended because the MIl reached that conclusion before the current and ex DIL.is disengagement only an option for step moms? Would any of those people be happier if they inflicted their company upon each other?

All of the children appear to be happy and well adjusted and seen to know that they are surrounded by people who love them. What more would anyone want from this situation?

You can blather on as much as you like but the fact is as I stated. A husband and wife magically appear with the marriage licence, and that means new family connections too.
Whether one chooses to nurture ones new family connections or shit all over them by harking back to previous connections is of course up to the individual.
What's not up for debate is the fact that one woman is the spouse of her child and the other is an ex spouse/girlfriend/whatever.