Invited but only when DSC are here

[PurpleyBlue]

My DH and I have a child and I have DSC. His family have taken to inviting us to family things but it's always "if DSC are with you then would you like to come round?" Does anyone else get this? It feels a bit insulting somehow, like we are only welcome when all the children are together.

It's not about equal regard and no favouritism between mothers. The fact is, one is her son's wife whether she likes it or not.

Yes exactly. Ridiculous to drag the adult relationships into it too

I suggested going to the park to my DS, who had just turned 4, and my DS said we couldn't go as we had to wait for DSS to be there

That is so sad. Is he supposed to twiddle his thumbs and stop himself forming a smile when his half sibling isn’t there?

@Tiredoftattler

The grandparents may think of their grandchildren as a package deal. I would imagine that it can become a less the ideal situation when there are multiple mothers involved. The grandparents may wish to simplify their lives by seeing all of the grandchildren together. This system keeps each mother from feeling that her child or children get more or less attention from the grandparents.

My aunt will only see her sons children when he has them all together because she is not fond of his ex nor his wife. She says that the children are the only good things that he has brought to the family table ,and she would prefer that the children see that she shows the same level of regard for them and has no favorite between their mothers.

My cousin now takes all of the children alone to see his parents and that solution seems to work for them. Neither his ex nor his wife seem to mind not going to his mom's house and the kids all seem to love visits to grams. My aunt is active and engaging and will often have all 6 of her young grandkids together at her home. She does not visit my cousin in his home, and on holidays she will invite both the ex and the wife. Neither the ex nor the wife will come, but both are always invited.

Why is it all about the mothers? The mothers are not even relations of your aunt.

She does not visit my cousin in his home, and on holidays she will invite both the ex and the wife. Neither the ex nor the wife will come, but both are always invited.

This is crazy, she doesn't visit her own son in his home just to make sure his ex doesn't feel like her kids are 2nd best? Why is she inviting his ex to holidays?!

I would never speak to my mother again if she treated my family this way.

@DinoHat

It's not about equal regard and no favouritism between mothers. The fact is, one is her son's wife whether she likes it or not.

Yes exactly. Ridiculous to drag the adult relationships into it too

Or to do anything other than accept your son's choice of spouse.

This is clear toxic MIL behaviour being promoted (not merely defended) here. 🙄

@Bibidy indeed.

I would be absolutely livid if my mum refused to visit me in my house (because she does not approve of my husband) but somehow told herself she was taking the moral high ground by inviting both my ex and my husband to Christmas dinner. And then acting like it was the DIL and her son's ex who were somehow the problem when they declined to attend.

Utterly toxic behaviour.

@DinoHat

I suggested going to the park to my DS, who had just turned 4, and my DS said we couldn't go as we had to wait for DSS to be there

That is so sad. Is he supposed to twiddle his thumbs and stop himself forming a smile when his half sibling isn’t there?

One of the (many) reasons I left my DP. I couldn't have my DS growing up thinking he is second best, despite the way his DF treats him and my DD (also his DD, in case that's not clear), compared to my DSS who is the non-resident child.

There was a thread on here on the last couple of months about resident DC being treated less favourably to ensure the non-resident DC did not lose out. I could relate to so many of the scenarios described there, and don't want to put my DC through that. Now all 3 DC are non-resident, I am hoping my EXDP treats them equally, but accept I cannot control his behaviour in that regard.

I don’t blame you and wouldn’t tolerate it either. Besides from my MIL, the world continues to spin for everyone else when DSS is with his Mum and actually, we enjoy things that are a little easier to do or age appropriate for our smaller DC.

@Starseeking I hope your DC does get the same priority now that all the children are nonresident with their father.

I think that my aunt sees his ex and his wife as the mothers of her grandchildren and as such each receives an invite to holiday dinner.

Regrettably, my aunt thinks that the wife was the cause of my cousin 's divorce from his first wife . My aunt dotes on the kids,but is a stickler about her visitation guidelines. I think both women see how much the kids seem to enjoy time spent with their grandmother and they are accepting of the warm relationship that she has with the kids.

It is not the relationship that i would want with an in law but they all seem to have made their peace with the arrangement.

My cousin does not let his mother's disapproval of his choice in partners stand in the way of his children having a loving relationship with their grandmother. I think that both the ex and his wife appreciate the relationship that exist between the grandchildren and their grandmother and neither feels the need to spend more time with her than is absolutely necessary.

I think that the fact that they all understand and respect each others boundaries is what makes it work for them.

As usual, you are always at pains to defend shitty behaviour towards a second wife. It all sounds so reasonable if you ignore the crappy behaviour and unwanted opinions at the base of it. 🙄

Personally, I would see having respect for my husband and the father of one of the grandchildren as a basic requirement for my children. I wouldn't allow my mum to sideline and (implicitly if not explicitly) disrespect my children's parents. Disrespecting me for my relationship choices, which are none of her business. Disrespecting my husband in several ways, including refusing to accept that my relationship with my ex is over and that is also none of her business.

It's not a 'oh well. It's not what I'd choose but everyone is being reasonable' type of situation. Here we have a MIL moralising about her son's relationships, ostracising his wife on the basis of what she believes and positioning the (poor hard find by ex) as having the same position in the family as the wife. And everyone should respect her boundaries. 🤯

I suspect your cousin's current wife might tell a very different version of that story. In fact, a version that might sound much more like the OP's here.

My cousin does not let his mother's disapproval of his choice in partners stand in the way of his children having a loving relationship with their grandmother. I think that both the ex and his wife appreciate the relationship that exist between the grandchildren and their grandmother and neither feels the need to spend more time with her than is absolutely necessary.

"Disapproval of his choice of partners"? This is so extremely disrespectful, the second wife is a saint for putting up with it someone disrespecting her like that around her kids, there is no mutual respect here, just one person being awful and being allowed to get away with it.

Regrettably, my aunt thinks that the wife was the cause of my cousin 's divorce from his first wife . My aunt dotes on the kids,but is a stickler about her visitation guidelines.

I just can't believe your cousin allows this. She wouldn't be doting on my kids if I was him.

@mommabear2386

It's not exactly the same but my in laws are very 'SC' focused also they are all mid teens and our toddler is 3 and whenever we do anything for him when the other kids aren't here such as the farm / swimming / park etc it's always the same response... 'oh would they kids not of liked to do that also?' No they bloody wouldn't!! We do lots with the older guys without the toddler but that's never recognised.

They do welcome our child but it's also with a comment or removed about the others... like they cannot just enjoy him without mentioned that they work happily take the others out also or something to that affect.

I've come to accept that my son will always ( and his isn't meant to sound awful about them) be slightly second thoughts of because they hold the other 3 so high and feel so bad for them that their parents spilt and they don't have there dad every day anymore. Which I understand but they are well adjusted kids and they have no issues!

My partners sister recently did a 18 photo big family multiple photo college, with loads of pics of my partners 3 kids and his brothers 3 children.... none of my son or me. When I queried this on the group chat she said OMG I totally forgot about him sorry I'll add one in, this doesn't meant they don't love him I know they do but it's just that second family thing I think or that's how it comes across to me.

OP try to not let it drive you mad and make your own boundaries x

Just wanted to say this gave me the rage from start to finish. From draining guilt trips every time you do anything when they aren't around to your family completely forgetting about your poor son. The hypocrisy of attitudes there. I could (and do) put up with the pointed reference to SC every time something comes up like this but not for the sake of people that balance that with totally forgetting about your son, like this.

My partner's family will always want DSS involved but they will never just forget about DD or show no interest in her like the stories here. Really appalling stuff.

@FishyFriday

I suspect your cousin's current wife might tell a very different version of that story. In fact, a version that might sound much more like the OP's here.

Precisely.

How hurtful to be rejected just because someone came before you.

I don't think that any of the team 3 women in my cousin's family structure feel disrespected. I think that they actually recognize that none of them are particularly fond of the other and they have found a work around that allows the children to have positive relationships within the existing family structure.

None of these women seemingly need validation of their status from the other and the children all seem to be happy and well adjusted.

The children witness no overt hostility and the children are learning that people can have differing points of view and still be civil and get along without unnecessary drama.

There seems to be far less drama in their lives than in the lives of people who try to force feelings and connections that do not exist.

@Tiredoftattler

I don't think that any of the team 3 women in my cousin's family structure feel disrespected. I think that they actually recognize that none of them are particularly fond of the other and they have found a work around that allows the children to have positive relationships within the existing family structure.

None of these women seemingly need validation of their status from the other and the children all seem to be happy and well adjusted.

The children witness no overt hostility and the children are learning that people can have differing points of view and still be civil and get along without unnecessary drama.

There seems to be far less drama in their lives than in the lives of people who try to force feelings and connections that do not exist.

There's a high horse here that needs getting off. This woman will not allow the mother of their children into her home, because she thinks she broke up her son's former marriage. The fact that the second wife puts up with it because she also doesn't want to be there is a smoke screen for the obvious disrespectful (and dramatic) nature of that behaviour. What would happen if she tried to go with them?

@Tiredoftattler

I don't think that any of the team 3 women in my cousin's family structure feel disrespected. I think that they actually recognize that none of them are particularly fond of the other and they have found a work around that allows the children to have positive relationships within the existing family structure.

None of these women seemingly need validation of their status from the other and the children all seem to be happy and well adjusted.

The children witness no overt hostility and the children are learning that people can have differing points of view and still be civil and get along without unnecessary drama.

There seems to be far less drama in their lives than in the lives of people who try to force feelings and connections that do not exist.

Perhaps a better message for the children would be that despite there being people you don’t like like in your life, that isn’t a a reason not to get along with them.

Although you make it sound so seamless, I don’t believe that special occasions like birthdays, Christmas etc aren’t blighted by the family not being able to get together for the simple reason that your Aunt can’t put her feelings aside for everyone else’s sakes.

There is also the world of difference between just "we all appreciate we aren't fond of each other so we loosely avoid one another" and "my aunt is a stickler for her visitation guidelines", ie, strict about her "rule" that she will not have this woman in her house. And you genuinely think the latter is not a dramatic way to behave?

still be civil and get along without unnecessary drama.

To add - do you really think that excluding someone from your home is not dramatic in itself? Your Aunt has created drama, not resisted it.

@Tiredoftattler

I don't think that any of the team 3 women in my cousin's family structure feel disrespected. I think that they actually recognize that none of them are particularly fond of the other and they have found a work around that allows the children to have positive relationships within the existing family structure.

None of these women seemingly need validation of their status from the other and the children all seem to be happy and well adjusted.

The children witness no overt hostility and the children are learning that people can have differing points of view and still be civil and get along without unnecessary drama.

There seems to be far less drama in their lives than in the lives of people who try to force feelings and connections that do not exist.

There is zero chance your cousin's wife doesn't feel disrespected by HER in-laws essentially refusing to see her or her child without the SCs present, or by her MIL inviting her husband's ex to be part of holiday celebrations. Or by her MIL refusing to visit her home? All of these things are incredibly hostile.

They are not a 'team' either. Maybe MIL and ex but certainly no team-player mentality is shown towards the new wife.

The children witness no overt hostility and the children are learning that people can have differing points of view and still be civil and get along without unnecessary drama.

They're not learning that though because they don't see the adults around each other do they. They don't see your MIL still having a good relationship with their mum AND their stepmum. They see their dad having to take them alone to see their nan because she's got so many rules around who's allowed to see her and when.

One of the (many) reasons I left my DP. I couldn't have my DS growing up thinking he is second best, despite the way his DF treats him and my DD (also his DD, in case that's not clear), compared to my DSS who is the non-resident child.

Same with me and one of the reasons my relationship with my ex ended too.

I grew really sick of my children being treated as second best by the in laws and dsc being treated with more importance. They will deny it till they are blue in the face, but they know full well they have always favoured exDSC.
That alone is bad enough. But they also then had something to say if either me or my family didn’t involve dsc in things. Then dsc’s mum (who of course facilitated the in laws’ favouritism) started to moan if she got a sniff of any hint that my children had done anything nice on their own.

I grew sick of being the bigger person. Why should I have sat back and watched my children be treated like second class citizens by their own grandparents, made easier for them by the ex wife who was enjoying seeing her child be treated more favourably? As a mum why should I have let my children get taken the piss out of like that? Part of me protecting them was to make sure I gave them their own set of opportunities and their own special times with family, which therefore meant not always involving dsc.

I grew sick of living like that though as I always felt like I was doing something wrong by exDSC when really I don’t think I was when they had so much in their favour already. Now my ex is gone, the in laws can have dsc as much as they like (ironically they don’t that much anymore) and I can get on with my life with just my children without having to feel guilty about anything.

I think that many may be missing 2 salient points. The first is that my cousin's wife probably has no more need or desire to spend time with his mother than does his mother have a need or desire to spend time with her , and second, both women recognize that they each love and care deeply about the children.

My cousin's wife's status as his wife is not dependent upon acceptance or validation by his mother, and his mother's status in his life is not tied to acceptance or validation by his wife.

These are all adults who are comfortable within their own roles and standing. The ex and the wife are each invited to holiday events at his mother's home . She would never be less than cordial to the mothers of her precious grandchildren in her home. They never choose to come and that is fine with her.

This is disengagement working to their mutual satisfaction. I think it is better than forced or false interactions. The 3 women are all very self confident and probably more alike than any of them realize or would admit.

The children know that they are loved by all of the adults in their sphere, and they are not subjected to hostile or acrimonious interactions. The acceptance and respect for individual boundaries is amazing and it seems to work for them.

She does not visit my cousin in his home, and on holidays she will invite both the ex and the wife. Neither the ex nor the wife will come, but both are always invited. this sounds so strange to me. If my mum invited any of my exes to Christmas dinner I'd be questioning where her loyalties lied and have nothing more to do with her!

The acceptance and respect for individual boundaries is amazing and it seems to work for them. how does the son feel about the ex being invited for Xmas Dinner?