Invited but only when DSC are here

[PurpleyBlue]

My DH and I have a child and I have DSC. His family have taken to inviting us to family things but it's always "if DSC are with you then would you like to come round?" Does anyone else get this? It feels a bit insulting somehow, like we are only welcome when all the children are together.

That’s a completely different scenario Theo, as you know. These GPs are local and seemingly have no interest in OP’s child as a person in their own right rather than a hanger on with the more favoured half siblings. It’s literally nothing like your own situation. And of course she feels protective, that’s a normal emotion for her to have. She’s a mother, her child is being rejected.

It's not just the child that is being rejected, it's OP and her husband. Telling them someone is over but to not bother coming if the SC aren't there is no way to behave, it's flat out rude.

blahblahblah321 yes, but my DH's sister's. Not one of DH's kids. Very much a golden child who can do no wrong.

You are feeling very protective of your small DC but is it worth it? yes. I want my DC to not grow up and feel like they are second best to the DSC so this thread has made me realise it needs to be sorted out now. They might not mean it to do harm but it could do. If it's anything to do with them overcompensating for the divorce or feeling sorry for the DSC then that too needs sorting out for their sake. They don't see themselves as woe as me victims, it is just their family set up and normal to them so to make it seem like a bad thing isn't helpful for them.

@aSofaNearYou

It's not just the child that is being rejected, it's OP and her husband. Telling them someone is over but to not bother coming if the SC aren't there is no way to behave, it's flat out rude.

This is true, their relationship with my husband does seem to have been a tricky one and I think he is just keen to make sure the children see their grandparents. But I suppose if this can't be sorted out he needs to think if it's worth it.

Of course it’s tricky. They’re horrible people who sympathise with his arsehole cheating ex instead of their flesh and blood son. Horrible.

Read toxic inlaws, it might make you feel worse but it’ll also give you helpful strategies.

Fundamentally you can’t argue with pig ignorant and nasty, they seem to lack basic common sense and compassion, so you’re best off just stepping waaay back and letting your DH have whatever relationship he chooses with them but doesn’t include you or your DC.

I called my MIL out in shit like this. She didn't like it. Was nice as pie to my face and I thought we had cleared it all up and moved on.
Gave my DH all sorts of abuse a few days later and we haven't heard from her for 6 months.
Including today, the day that should have been my DS - her grandson - first birthday (he was stillborn).
So that's that then. If she was going to be a decent human being any day it would have been today. No loss to my DS, he has my mum and step MIL. She can go on pretending to be the dotjng granny to the only grand child who matters - DSD - and my babies and I will be staying well out of it.

Grandparents often have favourite grandchildren (though some are better at hiding it than others).

My inlaws have made it plain their priority is my SIL's DC and not ours, dropping plans with us to see them instead etc.

Funny thing is, now they're getting older and less mobile the ILs expect my DC to visit them and entertain them (SIL's DC are now older and far too busy/important to see the GP who practically raised them). However my DC aren't interested in their GP as they never had the time to build up a relationship with them.

Your ILs will reap what they sow with your DC. If they put the time and energy in, they could build a nice relationship with them. If they don't bother, there will be no relationship there.

She’s a complete bitch @Youseethethingis, you and your son don’t need that sort of shit in your lives. For you and your beautiful children

Happy birthday to your son.

Youseethethingis I have no words.

@Youseethethingis So sorry for your loss

So sorry @Youseethethingis

I want to slap her on your behalf (and im not usually a violent person) x

How do those affected feel about the "golden children"? For me, my relationship hasn't changed with DSS, even through his screaming down the phone at OH "nanny hates CMS, grandad hates CMS", I asked him who has been telling him stuff, and as we have a good relationship said "nanny, her and mum have conversations about you" I asked him if he has ever seen the person they describe me as, in me, bearing in mind he sees me and they don't. He said no, and was quite confused. OH still hasn't confronted his parents about it and they still have complete access to DSS via ex. I just have to maintain our relationship (mine and DSS). At some point he'll realise, and like a PP he won't want to spend time with them, and DD won't have a relationship with them. Im hoping that I don't have to explain to DD why DSS had a relationship with them and she didn't. I think if she was old enough I will just say because they were mean and I wanted to protect her.

I’m sorry for your loss and your shitty in-laws @Youseethethingis definitely better without her.

This situation sounds like an extension of the scenario where a DH doesn't allow for any fun things to happen in a weekend that the DSC aren't visiting lest they miss out. It gets to a point that the resident DC start to feel that they are unimportant, as the DSC must always be number 1.

I was in this situation with my EXDP, he wouldn't do anything, not even visit the Tesco toy aisle with our DC, or take our DC for a haircut, if his DS wasn't there that weekend. It bothered me a lot, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I started taking our DC out on my own on the in between DSS weekends, when I suggested going to the park to my DS, who had just turned 4, and my DS said we couldn't go as we had to wait for DSS to be there

You have to break the cycle. See what your DH says, but he had to be the one to force the issue with his Parents. If it means he doesn't facilitate any of his DV visiting, then that might be the stance he needs to take. If his parents choose to contact his EXW to see the favoured SFC, so be it. It's their loss.

It's DH too. He's been getting the guilt tripping "you should apologize to mum" messages from his brothers but she's done it this time. He said he doesn't have room for the negativity in his life any more (on top of everything else his mother is a high conflict, if theres no drama I'll invent some sort of person) and he's more hurt than he lets on that his mum is like this.
Poor DSD asked me just yesterday if Gran will be at DS1s birthday party in a few weeks time. I think she knows there's been a falling out but obviously doesn't know the details.
Honestly laugh at myself sometimes that I ever thought she'd be a lovely gran to my children. She couldn't stress enough when I was pregnant with DS1 how special DSD was and always would be because she was her first grandchild and she was there when she was born (ex is NC with her own DM) blah blah blah.
"Can't wait to meet my new grandson, Yousee" would have been fine but noooo even my pregnancy had to be in reference to DSD.
I feel so sad for DH but at the same time at least he is with me on this, not merrily clapping along as he aids and abets his mother treating his children so differently. I'd find that very hard to forgive and to be honest I'm not sure anyone should forgive or allow it.

@Starseeking I'm the same with regard to fun. OH works when it's not a "kids weekend". He doesn't get that every weekend is a kids weekend as we have DD!

We need a "stately homes" thread for all of us shunned by in-laws

[quote CMSdividend]@Starseeking I'm the same with regard to fun. OH works when it's not a "kids weekend". He doesn't get that every weekend is a kids weekend as we have DD! [/quote]
Unbelievable!!

The grandparents may think of their grandchildren as a package deal. I would imagine that it can become a less the ideal situation when there are multiple mothers involved. The grandparents may wish to simplify their lives by seeing all of the grandchildren together. This system keeps each mother from feeling that her child or children get more or less attention from the grandparents.

My aunt will only see her sons children when he has them all together because she is not fond of his ex nor his wife. She says that the children are the only good things that he has brought to the family table ,and she would prefer that the children see that she shows the same level of regard for them and has no favorite between their mothers.

My cousin now takes all of the children alone to see his parents and that solution seems to work for them. Neither his ex nor his wife seem to mind not going to his mom's house and the kids all seem to love visits to grams. My aunt is active and engaging and will often have all 6 of her young grandkids together at her home. She does not visit my cousin in his home, and on holidays she will invite both the ex and the wife. Neither the ex nor the wife will come, but both are always invited.

[quote CMSdividend]@Starseeking I'm the same with regard to fun. OH works when it's not a "kids weekend". He doesn't get that every weekend is a kids weekend as we have DD! [/quote]
It sounds like he wants to be NRP to your shared child too!

This system keeps each mother from feeling that her child or children get more or less attention from the grandparents. I'd feel like that might be the case (although I think it might be more about the children than the mothers) if they didn't see their other grandchildren more.

It's not exactly the same but my in laws are very 'SC' focused also they are all mid teens and our toddler is 3 and whenever we do anything for him when the other kids aren't here such as the farm / swimming / park etc it's always the same response... 'oh would they kids not of liked to do that also?' No they bloody wouldn't!! We do lots with the older guys without the toddler but that's never recognised.

They do welcome our child but it's also with a comment or removed about the others... like they cannot just enjoy him without mentioned that they work happily take the others out also or something to that affect.

I've come to accept that my son will always ( and his isn't meant to sound awful about them) be slightly second thoughts of because they hold the other 3 so high and feel so bad for them that their parents spilt and they don't have there dad every day anymore. Which I understand but they are well adjusted kids and they have no issues!

My partners sister recently did a 18 photo big family multiple photo college, with loads of pics of my partners 3 kids and his brothers 3 children.... none of my son or me. When I queried this on the group chat she said OMG I totally forgot about him sorry I'll add one in, this doesn't meant they don't love him I know they do but it's just that second family thing I think or that's how it comes across to me.

OP try to not let it drive you mad and make your own boundaries x

My partners sister recently did a 18 photo big family multiple photo college, with loads of pics of my partners 3 kids and his brothers 3 children.... none of my son or me.

So you've been in her life at least 3 years? I hope she was mortified to have left you both out.

My aunt will only see her sons children when he has them all together because she is not fond of his ex nor his wife. She says that the children are the only good things that he has brought to the family table ,and she would prefer that the children see that she shows the same level of regard for them and has no favorite between their mothers.

I'd say your aunt is a shocking MIL, and it's shitty that her son enables her. If my mum said that about my husband, she would not be seeing any of us.

It's not about equal regard and no favouritism between mothers. The fact is, one is her son's wife whether she likes it or not.