Invited but only when DSC are here

[PurpleyBlue]

My DH and I have a child and I have DSC. His family have taken to inviting us to family things but it's always "if DSC are with you then would you like to come round?" Does anyone else get this? It feels a bit insulting somehow, like we are only welcome when all the children are together.

Depends, if it's an event that's happening on a set date then it seems weird that you aren't important enough to invite without them. If it's a more general invite eg come round for Sunday lunch or a bbq then holding it on the week the dsc are with you is completely different, they don't know their schedule so makes sense to ask if they are available that week. Their grandchildren are equal, they don't want to see one more than the others

Sounds like they're trying to make sure that the other grandchildren don't feel left out.

Umm I think it depends on what you mean.

My DP has 2 children and his family do tend to plan their special events - birthday celebrations, family days out etc - for when the children are with him, and I don't think that's unusual.

However, if you're saying that his family have no interest in seeing him and your child together unless your SC are there too then I do think that's a bit odd, particularly if you're local enough to see them more often.

I would assume its because it's actually the DSC who are invited, not the adults (they're just there supervising), so potentially if you don't have the DSC their mum is invited to supervise them - is there an amicable relationship with her?
It does beg the question of the grandchild who is your child with your husband - is your child still tiny? If so they're not missing out but I'd wonder what will happen in a few years time. Perhaps the DSC will be old enough to be dropped off without their mum then though.

Say Auntie X is visiting the MIL and we're invited round but only if the DSC are here, is that not odd?I'd have thought Auntie X would rather see one of the children rather than none.

I guess they are trying to make them all equal but it means they miss out on a lot of time with DC.

Bibidy

It's the second, which is why I find it odd. I can understand wanting to arrange things for the dates the DSC are available.

@PurpleyBlue

Say Auntie X is visiting the MIL and we're invited round but only if the DSC are here, is that not odd?I'd have thought Auntie X would rather see one of the children rather than none.

I guess they are trying to make them all equal but it means they miss out on a lot of time with DC.

Yes I think this is odd.

My DP's family are still happy to see us when SCs aren't here, they just make sure all of their 'special' events like birthdays etc are celebrated when they are.

Do they actually specify not to come if your SCs aren't there? What would happen if your DH said they weren't but you could still come anyway with your child?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Yes still small, no mum not in contact with my inlaws. But that does make sense, it's the DSC they really want to see.

What do they say if dh said, no they are not but me, purpley and DC can still come?

I would interpret more as "bring them round to see us as you have them", not "don't come round if you don't"...if that makes any sense?!

PurpleyBlue how old are the DSC? hmm so it's not to avoid awkwardness if their mum has brought them to visit clearly. Still I'm not sure it's that odd - when my mil was alive I took the children to see her when I was a sahm, but didn't visit her on my own account... It depends what you're used to but that seemed natural to both of us and neither of us ever looked for a different dynamic. We didn't live in the same country until our dc1 was a toddler though so we hadn't developed any sort of routine of visiting without children, except for a once per year stay!

@Summertime21

What do they say if dh said, no they are not but me, purpley and DC can still come?

We tried this and got something along the lines of "that's a shame, never mind, maybe next time she's down"

I would still see this as a ham fisted attempt to never ever let it seem that your child gets more love/attention/time than the DC. it's the school of, "one child can't have a treat unless they all get treats".

With two very different children, with a big age gap, we've long had to ditch that approach and pitch a more "equal but different" view. But I can see how the grandparents might not be in a position to do that.

Also, how old are DSC? Is it possible that at some point the DSC said something to IL about feeling like now that mummy and daddy are divorced they're scared they're not part of the family any more? Or similar?

DSC are 9 and 12 so I guess they are more chatty and maybe the in laws are worried about having LO round more in case they are seen as favourited.

In case relevant I am not the OW. Long gap between divorce and remarriage to me. They do tend to ask them a lot about their mum and then at the end remember to ask how I am and then I just tell them my news (whatever it is) as we are out the door, so I think a PP has it right, it's the DSC they really want to see.

I'm fine with it, just feels a bit like they are missing out on spending time with LO so wondered if it happened to anyone else

Triffid1 yes this sounds so obvious now others have said it. I think they are trying to make sure they are all equal. They don't do it with the cousins though as there's one set of cousins they hardly ever see. But it makes sense, thanks.

I hear this. One side of my in-laws will ask what we're up to at weekend... followed by 'is DSD there?' And if it's a no.... they don't bother coming over. I do take offence to it personally. We all live local but the trips not worth it if they're not all there.

I do understand they would rather see them all in one go but they could also take advantage of that they have a grandchild they could see more often.

I'm a step mum and I agree it's about trying to be equal between all of your husband's children, not at all ab insult towards you or your child.

I think that is quite sad that your not invited without your DSC. I am surprised your DH hasnt spoken to his parents as to why it is all or nothing?

Yeah, it must be tricky for them to know what to do so I think maybe DH should have a proper chat with them about it. Otherwise DC is missing out on time with grandparent's due to my DH's divorce. If that's how they feel though it's ok, makes sense now others have said it.

mynameisbrian I think because he was only ever invited when DSC were with him it's just sort if carried on like that once DC was born.

dorris88 it didn't sit quite right with me, almost as if my DC wasn't enough but now I've read some of the responses here I think it is them just trying to be fair in their own way.

Sounds like they're trying to make sure that the other grandchildren don't feel left out.

The op’s child’s life doesn’t stop when the dsc aren’t there though.

I agree that they'll be imagining they're being fair to all their grandkids. But not thinking that (like many things in stepfamilies) they're actually sending a message that your shared child can only count on contact weekends with the DSC. That is why it feels odd to you. And as your child gets older they are likely to notice that gran is only willing to see them if their half siblings are there etc.

I do think that extended family should not decide that it's up to them to decide what is 'fair' in a step family. That's for the two adults in that step family to work out themselves, and the rest of the family to just go with.

In my family, MIL sees much more of my SC. And she always will, not least because she's a truly awful human who has managed to thoroughly alienate me in various ways. In particular, she's very clearly of the 'first families matter more' opinion and she plays favourites with her grandkids.

Frankly, it's her loss. And DS3 isn't losing out because what benefit is there in a close relationship with a grandparent who overtly favours your half siblings (among other major issues)?

they're actually sending a message that your shared child can only count on contact weekends with the DSC. this is what I'm a bit worried about. Like the DSC are the people that matter and if they aren't there then DC isn't important.

What are the in laws like with your DC when your DC does have permission to be there? Do they make an effort with your DC equally to DSC, or is your DC overlooked and their attention is mainly focused on dsc as they are older?

I only ask because maybe the non contact weekends with DSC are the perfect time for the in laws to spend some time with your DC if their efforts are mainly with the DSC when you all go up. If I was a grandparent then that’s what I would be doing.