Invited but only when DSC are here

[PurpleyBlue]

My DH and I have a child and I have DSC. His family have taken to inviting us to family things but it's always "if DSC are with you then would you like to come round?" Does anyone else get this? It feels a bit insulting somehow, like we are only welcome when all the children are together.

So they know your DHs ex cheated on him, it upsets him when they talk about her, and they do so continuously when he visits? Sounds like they have very little compassion or empathy for him all around.

@CMSdividend So they took to going over to OH Ex's house instead and she facilitates it.

They've chosen her over their own son? How horrible!

Talking is the right thing to do.

Several possible explanations -

1. They want to be fair. If they are all of the kids together then on paper it's fair. Fair meaning time spent in their home rather than time spent interacting.

1. They find the older kids easier but invite your son to be fair.

1. They want to minimize the number of weekends seeing grandchildren. Having everyone over in the same go will mean half the number of visits

1. They believe that children with divorced parents are to be pitied when sometimes they are happier so they give the older kids more attention. They assume that 2 parents living together means the child gets twice the attention when for some kids divorce means that they get 1 on 1 with both parents which isn't something that they'd get if the parents were together.

Have your ILs experienced divorce and blended families? This can lead to them overcompensating based on their experience

Favoritism by grandparents is sadly not uncommon.

@aSofaNearYou

So they know your DHs ex cheated on him, it upsets him when they talk about her, and they do so continuously when he visits? Sounds like they have very little compassion or empathy for him all around.

Well.. I think they wanted to keep the peace with her so there's no chance of her stopping them seeing the DSC. It's a bit of a messy backstory but at one stage DH was too ill and recovering in hospital so they had to contact through her. That then stopped when DH was well enough. I think they just wanted to stay out of the divorce but he did tell them what happened.

If your DC is still very young there’s no way the DSC need to know if you go and see their grandparents without them. Even if yours is old enough to talk about it, well things can’t always be equal so what’s the harm in them seeing their GPs when the DSC are having time with their mum and possibly her parents.

Honestly @PurpleyBlue, just draw your line in the sand. They obviously aren't interested in you or your child, so they can just see their other grandchildren separately (if your husband can be bothered taking them to visit). You don't have to only go if the SC are there and then sit there while they ignore you and your child and talk constantly about your husband's ex.

If your husband wants to take his kids to see them, it's his call. But you don't have to go. And he needs to be very clear with them that it's not ok to favour the children from a previous relationship over the one from his current relationship. If they can't do that, then your child will just not be tagging along while their half siblings visit their grandparents.

@PurpleyBlue

TenBobNote invited or sometimes DH says "shall we come round". They are not too far away but far enough away for it to need to be arranged rather than spontaneous.

It is definitely, if the DSC aren't there never mind. So one example that sticks in mind was an Auntie visiting them and we were asked did we and DSC want to visit at the same time. DH said they were at mum's but we three could still go, response was definitely along the lines of (can't remember exact words) "no don't bother if you haven't got DSC, maybe next time she's here you'll have them".

In that example though, is it not possible that the visiting Auntie particularly wanted to see the DSC? After all she's known them for 12 and 9 years respectively.

You DC isn't missing out in terms of grandparent contact time because he's getting exactly the same as his half-siblings.

The litmus test would be what the grandparents say about visiting should they invite DH, you and kids but it's your toddler - and not the DSC - who aren't available.

3. They want to minimize the number of weekends seeing grandchildren. Having everyone over in the same go will mean half the number of visits

I could live with that and they wouldn’t be unreasonable if it was just that on its own. Very doubtful it’s that though.

ByeClare
I'd have thought Auntie would have rather have seen any of her relatives than none though.

You DC isn't missing out in terms of grandparent contact time because he's getting exactly the same as his half-siblings. they are missing out on grandparent time they could have had if DSC were there. If they didn't have DSC at all then they would potentially be having grandparent time.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Fishy, I meant DH takes just his older DC, not the one with OP. No way would my child be tagging along like an unwelcome after thought who’s a poor extension of their half siblings rather than a person in her own right.

We are of the same mind here then.

That's exactly where I am with my MIL. My husband might be screwed up by years of her mindfuckery behaviour, but I will protect my baby from her toxic shit.

She probably loves getting to play the martyr and complain to BIL (who is wrapped around his mother's finger) about his awful I am. I don't care. I am completely done with the woman at this point.

TotorosCatBus

Excellent list thank you. I think DH needs to have a chat and try and work out which it is and where we go from there. I genuinely don't think they are being malicious, it's hard to get it all across in a message. I just think they aren't aware of the potential consequences for DC's relationship with them.

@PurpleyBlue

You DC isn't missing out in terms of grandparent contact time because he's getting exactly the same as his half-siblings. they are missing out on grandparent time they could have had if DSC were there. If they didn't have DSC at all then they would potentially be having grandparent time.

It's the standard your child gets a half life based on his/her half siblings' contact schedule stance. It comes up on MN all the bloody time.

Under no circumstances should they ever benefit from their parents having an ongoing relationship with each other. No. Their father and his entire family must act like all his children are NR children, lest it be unfair to the ones who actually are.

FishyFriday I think after DH has spoken to them we'll see what happens. If it carrys on then yes, I think you might be right, there's no need for me to be there if they aren't interested.

Oops cross posted.

Thanks so much for your help everyone. It's made me realise it's not just me!

Their father and his entire family must act like all his children are NR children, lest it be unfair to the ones who actually are. I get this a lot. SIL very surprised we took DC to the city farm without DSC. I think DC is just meant to sit at home pining for them.

Have you tried being vague lie with your answer about whether you have the DSCs and see what the reaction is when you turn up without them?

You DC isn't missing out in terms of grandparent contact time because he's getting exactly the same as his half-siblings.

This is such a bizarre stance, children with separated parents usually have far more limited time with both sides of their family, why would you replicate this with a child who isn't in this position?

As a rule, my SCs only get to see their paternal grandparents every other weekend. It's not as much as they used to see them when DP and his ex were together so everyone has lost out.

@MachineBee

Have you tried being vague lie with your answer about whether you have the DSCs and see what the reaction is when you turn up without them?

What would be the point though? They've made it clear they only want them over if SCs are there. I wouldn't put myself in that position in OP's shoes, they are the ones missing out on time with their own son and grandchild.

@PurpleyBlue

Their father and his entire family must act like all his children are NR children, lest it be unfair to the ones who actually are. I get this a lot. SIL very surprised we took DC to the city farm without DSC. I think DC is just meant to sit at home pining for them.

It's just plain weird.

But very common. Alas.

@PurpleyBlue I think this is really off & while it may not be malicious they have not moved on!
My dc have 2 younger half siblings who often see their gp's without my dc. Exh does ensure our dc get plenty of gp time but his weekends without our dc don't grind to a halt just because it's my weekend.
If there's a specific family thing on at his end they have it when it suits them as an extended family & I accommodate that.
I think your in laws are being pretty rude to you, & it defo requires a chat.

No one ever considers the RC.

DSC when not with the NRP is off bonding with their other half of the family and in the mean time no one wants to bother with the RC.

Where lies the fairness in that.

It's boolax

I don't think it's very healthy for DSC either to think we all just sit around waiting for them before we do anything fun.

MachineBee it nearly genuinely happened with a potential last minute switch of weekends with SDC's mum as she was trying to book a holiday last minute.

My mum is very local so she just sees whoever is around without much planning. So it might be the worried they won't see the DSC if we don't make clear it's an additional visit.

@PurpleyBlue @dorris88 I'm biding my time with him too. For now it's safer to be with him than not. But yes, it's ridiculous. There's been a whole smear campaign so that DSS refused to come over once as all I do is "make nanny cry" when despite my tries to create a bond between DD and her, she alienated us and I refused to enable her like everyone else does.
In your situation I wouldn't push it at all, get DH to take dsc and see how many visits it is until they ask to see your DC. OH's parents never asked so after a couple of months he said all or none and within a week they were making an hour trek to see DSS at his mum's. I do not one bit feel sorry that DD won't have a relationship with them. It did take a while to get there mentally but now I'm fine with it. You'll get to that point too. They done give a shiny shit about you or your child, you're just a bolt-on to your DH.