AIBU to just get a Father's Day gift from our joint DC?

[FathersDayToDoOrNot]

First father's Day with our joint DC and I have bought a little present from DC to DH along with a card. I specifically didn't choose a 'first father's day' card because obviously it isn't his first but it does say our first Father's Day together.

Usually DSC make him a card but I've never gotten involved in it or bought presents for them to give DH. His ex used to but hasn't for a while.

AIBU not to get other presents for DSC to give DH?

Present from our DC includes a picture of DH and DC so obviously not from all.

I've always got a card and present for my ex on his b-day, Father's day and Christmas. I consider it my responsibility to sort it out for DD and not her step moms. I don't know what her step mom does, but either way it's a good lesson to teach that we do nice things for other to celebrate their special days.

And no, my ex does not reciprocate for mothers day, birthday etc. Last time our DD asked him to help her get a card / present he refused. She would never ask her step mom.

I’d do it for my DH and wouldn’t give it a second thought.

I wouldn’t want his day marred by highlighting that he has a previous and current family. If he is a decent father seeing just some of his children represented might not be as special?

Seems like a lot of angst for a £5 ‘dad’ pint glass, box of chocs or whatever. (Though I understand that £5 can be a lot for some families).

I’d also do it in part for the DSC. I wouldn’t want them feeling like an outsider.

Once 14 or so I’d just remind them and ask if they want any help.

To be honest, you are putting a bit too much thought into it. Your DH will probably not care that the present came from your joint child as ultimately, it's obvious it's a present from you. He will like the card because it's sweet. He will probably expect or at least hope for a card from his other children. He probably loves that they are handmade.

You say that they stopped doing card for each other, which makes sense as they are old enough to do it themselves. However, you say you've never dealt with it before, so what happened last year? All you need to do is remind them of the date, ensure you have paper and pens to make nice cards, and prompt them to get on with it. It could be that they don't care much about doing them any longer, especially the oldest, so it would be right to ask them if they would rather buy a card and take them to pick one and pay for it.

I think your OH will appreciate a lot more the above actions, then the thoughtful presents/card you arranged from your joint child.

Your husband, your choice. I was in your shoes and went out with SC when they were little and bought what they chose for their dad and made it a gift from all the kids. When they were older I gave them the money and went with my own kids to pick something too. We've also given joint gifts.

To be clear - we absolutely do not buy gifts in our family, never have done but to some people it matters.

However, we were expected to make, buy a card and post it once we left home - to not do became a standing joke in the family. Mine always were sent a week early my sister always managed to get it to arrive on the Saturday and my brother late!

I used to get my former dsc cards to give to my ex when we were together. He was never bothered about presents too much, but sometimes I did get them including one from dsc too.
I get this niggling feeling that former dsc and their mum are still expecting me to sort a card (and present) out from dsc as well my own. The child is now 15 and I’m not with their father anymore, so it’s quite irritating if I’m honest.

I also don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing either. It’s a photo in a frame of him with his baby. He might even choose to add to it with a picture of dsc, you never know. And if dsc make their own cards then there’s even less reason for you to have an obligation to buy dsc a card for him.

And anyway, I’ve always thought that stuff like this should be the mum’s responsibility, but I never wanted to rock the boat 🙄.

If he is a decent father seeing just some of his children represented might not be as special?

I don't see how this is decent at all. I have a sibling, but if my dad ever gave the impression that things to do with just me - photos, cards, memories, days out etc weren't as special to him because my sister wasn't there, it would have been devastating. How is that decent??

Decent parents have individual bonds with each of their children and don't feel nothing about things that are only related to one of them. As I said earlier, if there was any kind of implication that the photo was meant to represent all of his children, it would be different. But a photo of just one of them is normal when coming from that child/his mum, makes no pretence, and it's really sad that people honestly think that would mean nothing to him.

Also can you imagine if the mum of the stepchild framed of photo of her child for Father’s Day for her child’s father. Nobody would even dare to suggest that it’s less special for the father because he didn’t get a photo of his younger child he has with his partner. It would just end up being one of those things.

So if the stepmum did the same and framed a photo of her child, how come it’s not just “one of those things?”

unicornsarereal72 I understand and I wouldn't buy a gift unless the kids asked me to but if my husband's wife asked me to sort out father's day presents for her kids, or told them to ask me I'd be very annoyed. It's different if I offer or they ask me off their own back.

funinthesun19 exactly. If my DSC'S mum framed a picture of my kid I'd be scared!

If he is a decent father seeing just some of his children represented might not be as special? he is an adult he can cope

But a photo of just one of them is normal when coming from that child/his mum, makes no pretence, and it's really sad that people honestly think that would mean nothing to him
There is nothing wrong with this on it own. If however, OP doesn't bother to ensure that the SC have something to give their dad, then the message behind it is there. It says 'look at the attention I put into giving you something from one child but couldn't be bothered with the other ones', even though it's for father's day, so his day to celebrate as a father to all his children.

This has got nothing to do with his ex wife. It's not her job.

I accept it's not technically your job either but the purpose of it is for the benefit of YOUR husband and to make him happy.

Why would you not just get a present from them all for the sake of your DH's happiness?

I accept it's not technically your job either but the purpose of it is for the benefit of YOUR husband and to make him happy. I disagree. The purpose of it is for the children to show their appreciation for their father. It is for the children. Their father probably already has loads of photos of them.

There is nothing wrong with this on it own. If however, OP doesn't bother to ensure that the SC have something to give their dad, then the message behind it is there. It says 'look at the attention I put into giving you something from one child but couldn't be bothered with the other ones', even though it's for father's day, so his day to celebrate as a father to all his children.

I disagree, though I agreed with your previous comment!

The child is a baby, the gift is clearly from OP to acknowledge their joint, likely intense experience of parenting together. He's a big boy, he knows that has been a big deal and specifically related to the baby. Nobody is trying to claim the other kids don't exist, that is in no way inherent in her focusing on the part of it that is shared between the two of them.

Meanwhile, the other kids are almost teenagers. It would be weird to get a gift "from" them, all that needs to be done is a small reminder to make a card. A first FD with a gift "from" a baby is an entirely different ball game to older kids who have been celebrating the event for years and are more than capable of making their own card. If they don't get or make him anything, the question at that age should be why did THEY not bother, not why didn't OP buy something for them to pretend was from them. I would say the same if they were her own kids.

@InnaBun

I accept it's not technically your job either but the purpose of it is for the benefit of YOUR husband and to make him happy. I disagree. The purpose of it is for the children to show their appreciation for their father. It is for the children. Their father probably already has loads of photos of them.

Yeah the children show their appreciation for the benefit of the father and to make them happy.

If they're old enough to do it on their own then this is absolutely how it should be.
However, if they're not, I'd say the current wife should be more interested in her Dh's happiness than the exW

However, if they're not, I'd say the current wife should be more interested in her Dh's happiness than the exW my DH is an adult and understands I'm not taking any more work on for his kids. He can sort it himself if his ex won't.

And to be honest kiddo5467 I think the children probably get more out of it than dad who probably already has photos of his children

@InnaBun

And to be honest kiddo5467 I think the children probably get more out of it than dad who probably already has photos of his children

From a mums point of view i disagree. I don't care how many pics I have of my DC around the house, any token/handmade gift on Mother's Day would always make me happy & bring a smile to my face.

Even if the DC get more out of it than the father why should they miss out because they're mum doesn't want to buy her exh a present.

For the sake of buying your own husband a bar of chocolate or cheap gift and letting his other kids hand it over, what's the problem? Hardly a hassle to grab a bar of chocolate when you're in the shops? 🤯

This post just smacks of competition/insecurity to me. Look what me and OUR DC got you while your other kids and ExW never got you anything....

The only people who are potentially going to feel bad by you Not buying a cheap token gift is either your own DH or his DC. Why would you want either when it's minimal hassle/cost?

Because for any other "parenting" tasks SM's get told to stay out of it. But when it comes to money and effort to buy the kids something to get their dad this is the one task it seems ok to delegate.

And if the kid's own mother doesn't care if it makes them sad not to have something to give their dad, even though it's "not a hassle". Why should stepmum care if it upsets the kids.

For the sake of buying your own husband a bar of chocolate or cheap gift and letting his other kids hand it over, what's the problem?

Because it's bloody stupid! God this whole debate is so frustrating, at a certain point the whole FD/MD gift giving becomes farcical if they aren't actually doing it themselves.

I also think it’s a bit off giving him a photo gift of the other kids are going to see it/be there. Seems a bit insensitive and I personally would want a pic with both the baby I share with DH and my older kid (his SC) as they’re both my children.

I’m giving DH a personalised gift this year and I’ve already forewarned him that my kid (his SC) has contributed as their dad doesn’t want them on Father’s Day until the afternoon so they’ll be there to see it unwrapped. It also has contributions from his kid (my SC) and the baby we share. I think he’d feel a bit sad if I gave him something from the baby alone.

As to the schedule etc... Father’s Day is the same date every year?!

There's nothing odd about giving the father of your child a picture of that child on father's day

Would you find it odd if the mother of the SCs got him a keyring or mug or fridge magnet
or whatever with a picture of them on?

The baby isn't old enough to make something for him so has had a present bought instead, the SCs are old enough to make a card as they have done years previous, I'm sure the DH won't lose any sleep over it.

I have always done presents from SC when they were younger and since my own was born a little something from him when they aren't there just so he feels it's special too because there is a very big age gap