AIBU to just get a Father's Day gift from our joint DC?

[FathersDayToDoOrNot]

First father's Day with our joint DC and I have bought a little present from DC to DH along with a card. I specifically didn't choose a 'first father's day' card because obviously it isn't his first but it does say our first Father's Day together.

Usually DSC make him a card but I've never gotten involved in it or bought presents for them to give DH. His ex used to but hasn't for a while.

AIBU not to get other presents for DSC to give DH?

Present from our DC includes a picture of DH and DC so obviously not from all.

@TotorosCatBus

As he's not buying for their mum and their mum isn't buying for him then it's not the ex's job to do this. Can you contact the kids to make sure that they organized a card? If I were a stepmother I would at least give them money for a card

I don't think they would want to buy a card they seem to like making them.

YANBU

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think it's her job, as a spouse. Not her job as a stepmother, if that wasn't clear.

Why? I don't remember that in the marriage vows...

Personally I don't do buying gifts from kids without their involvement, but even setting that debate aside, surely it makes more sense for it to be the other parent whose "job" it is? The spousal relationship is not linked to child raising.

OP has said elsewhere that the children are late primary and early secondary. So by that age, I see very little logic in saying it's anyone's job but their own.

Depends, I don't because DH ex gets really off with me if I try and organise anything on behalf of DSD (it was a Christmas present that set her off) It's not my place apparently so I just leave it now.

Depends on the relationship. Did you help them get stuff for DH before you had your own kids?

@sqirrelfriends

Depends, I don't because DH ex gets really off with me if I try and organise anything on behalf of DSD (it was a Christmas present that set her off) It's not my place apparently so I just leave it now.

Depends on the relationship. Did you help them get stuff for DH before you had your own kids?

No I've never bought anything from DSC to DH on father's day, birthdays or Christmas. It's not something I used to do which I'm now stopping, I've never done it.

I don't think you have any obligation to give them something from all of them but I'm thinking does it really make a difference if you put all the children's names on the card / gift tag given that it's obvious you bought it anyway?

Sofa if everything was spelled out in the vows it would take a year to get married!
I think that making sure my husband has a nice day and presents on special occasions is my 'job' as a wife. Just as it's his job to do that for me. Nothing to do with child raising specifically.
The ex has divorced him - she has no reason to go out of her way to make his life nice.

@ElderMillennial

I don't think you have any obligation to give them something from all of them but I'm thinking does it really make a difference if you put all the children's names on the card / gift tag given that it's obvious you bought it anyway?

As I said, the gift has a picture of just our DC and DH on it so quite obvious it's not from all (of course it's obvious it's not "from" our DC either but you get what I mean!).

Get them a little something to give to dad on Father's Day.

As others have said it really should be the mums responsibility, I buy for DD to give to her dad on Father's Day, birthday and Christmas and will continue to do so if/when he has a partner. DDs father does the same for me despite me having a partner who also does gifts for me from DD.

You have the opportunity to include your DSC, take it.

On a side note, I would hate it if my partner got me a gift that included a photo of just our child and not both of my children, especially if it was for Mother's Day. He is father to all the children not just the ones you have together.

OP, at secondary school and late primary, assuming you will see the kids before father's day (will you?), then I'd just wait until your DH isn't around as say "Btw, don't forget it's Father's Day on the 20th, if you wanted to get your dad anything or do him a card". It's up to them if they want to get him a small gift then if they have the money, or they can ask you/their mum/grandparent to help.

Tbh though I actually think a card made by them is nicer than any gift you/their mum would buy and pretend is from them. At least they've put their own thought into that.

No, she has nothing to do with him.

I was being polite. She is bonkers.

I agree with Gem176 and some others.

Just get something from the SC to give to their father.

He will know it is from you but that's not the point.

On a side note, I would hate it if my partner got me a gift that included a photo of just our child and not both of my children, especially if it was for Mother's Day. He is father to all the children not just the ones you have together

There are various things around our house which show DH with one child or the other, they aren't all in every single photo. Fridge magnets etc... too. There will be plenty of photos of DH and DSCs without our DC in them.

On a side note, I would hate it if my partner got me a gift that included a photo of just our child and not both of my children, especially if it was for Mother's Day. He is father to all the children not just the ones you have together.

Depending on the schedule it's not always possible though. If I had a child I'd have much more opportunity to get a nice, frame-worthy photo of them than with my SCs altogether because I never see them without my DP around and they are only with him EOW.

I am surprised that you would mind this so much though, would you feel the same way about receiving a photo gift of just your older child from her dad?

@Bibidy

On a side note, I would hate it if my partner got me a gift that included a photo of just our child and not both of my children, especially if it was for Mother's Day. He is father to all the children not just the ones you have together.

Depending on the schedule it's not always possible though. If I had a child I'd have much more opportunity to get a nice, frame-worthy photo of them than with my SCs altogether because I never see them without my DP around and they are only with him EOW.

I am surprised that you would mind this so much though, would you feel the same way about receiving a photo gift of just your older child from her dad?

That's what I was thinking, if DSCs Mum got him a picture of just him and their DC would it be a problem?

I don’t see it’s an issue to have a photo of just your DC. We have photos of our joint DS and DSS around the house, but not all together in the same photo. How impractical if you can only have nice photos of EVERYONE.

I don't see it as an issue at all that the gift includes a photo of just DH and the younger children, we have photos with all sorts of combinations in our house.

I would, however, ensure that they SC have something to give their dad - specifically as the gift "excludes" them (I don't mean that in a mean way!). It'll be even more uncomfortable for them if they then haven't got something. That doesn't have to mean OP has to sort it though, just give them a nudge in the right direction.

Personally I'd be pleased with a home made card! Sad that my children are past that point

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Sofa if everything was spelled out in the vows it would take a year to get married! I think that making sure my husband has a nice day and presents on special occasions is my 'job' as a wife. Just as it's his job to do that for me. Nothing to do with child raising specifically. The ex has divorced him - she has no reason to go out of her way to make his life nice.

Hmmm, on my DPs birthday I view it as my job to make sure he has a nice day and a nice present from ME, but I don't chase up other people on what they're getting him and view it as my fault if they don't. The only reason some people view it as different with kids, is because of the child raising element, so I don't think you can say it's nothing to do with that.

To me, Mother and Father's Day are basically just a core opportunity to teach children about gift giving and showing appreciation for others, and the parents are aware of the varying degree of actual input as they grow up. So with that in mind, it's the parents prerogative to worry about their kids learning that skill. It's not really about "all that matters is them having a good day and it doesn't matter who actually got the gift" - that's the whole point of doing it.

so parents of 2 or more kids are now not allowed to have photos of themselves plus 1 child. gotcha.

can we keep any of these photos of DH + 2 kids?
DH + DS1 & DS2
DH + DS1 & DS3
DH + DS1 & DS4
DH + DS1 & DS5
DH + DS1 & DD
DH + DS1 & DS6
DH + DS2 & DS3
DH + DS2 & DS4
DH + DS2 & DS5
DH + DS2 & DD
DH + DS2 & DS6
DH + DS3 & DS4
DH + DS3 & DS5
DH + DS3 & DD
DH + DS3 & DS6
DH + DS4 & DS5
DH + DS4 & DD
DH + DS4 & DS6
DH + DS5 & DD
DH + DS5 & DS6
DH + DD & DS6

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

so parents of 2 or more kids are now not allowed to have photos of themselves plus 1 child. gotcha.

can we keep any of these photos of DH + 2 kids?
DH + DS1 & DS2
DH + DS1 & DS3
DH + DS1 & DS4
DH + DS1 & DS5
DH + DS1 & DD
DH + DS1 & DS6
DH + DS2 & DS3
DH + DS2 & DS4
DH + DS2 & DS5
DH + DS2 & DD
DH + DS2 & DS6
DH + DS3 & DS4
DH + DS3 & DS5
DH + DS3 & DD
DH + DS3 & DS6
DH + DS4 & DS5
DH + DS4 & DD
DH + DS4 & DS6
DH + DS5 & DD
DH + DS5 & DS6
DH + DD & DS6

Was that really worth the effort?!

Agree with Bibidy, actually. My step children were late primary early teens when I met their dad (mum hadn't been in the picture for years), so I just used to give them a quick heads up about Father's Day approaching. If they had pocket money they'd sort something out, which is mostly what happened. If not everyone signed one big card and there'd probably be some sweets from all too.

@blahblahblah321

you tell me🤣

On a side note, I would hate it if my partner got me a gift that included a photo of just our child and not both of my children, especially if it was for Mother's Day. He is father to all the children not just the ones you have together.

I would absolutely hate it if my partner didn't appreciate photos of him and our daughter. I would actually find that really appalling, I could never be with someone with that attitude. He has multiple children, but a unique connection with both of them which is fine to acknowledge. It's a perfectly natural gift to come from me, too, she is our shared connection. But besides that, the gift is supposedly "from" the baby. What if one of your children drew you a picture of just you and them for Mother's Day? Would that insult you? Because I'm pretty sure I did that loads as a child...

Up to you sofa. Your husband. In my house though, I want my DH to have a nice Father's Day, so if he had kids whose mum didn't bother, I would on their behalf. Ideally the kids would be involved in that because you're right in that the kids should be taught that these things matter to people. But I'd be doing it from the perspective of doing a nice thing for my DH, not because I felt it was my responsibility to raise his dc.

If his older children will be making him a card, that will be sufficient.