AIBU to just get a Father's Day gift from our joint DC?

[FathersDayToDoOrNot]

First father's Day with our joint DC and I have bought a little present from DC to DH along with a card. I specifically didn't choose a 'first father's day' card because obviously it isn't his first but it does say our first Father's Day together.

Usually DSC make him a card but I've never gotten involved in it or bought presents for them to give DH. His ex used to but hasn't for a while.

AIBU not to get other presents for DSC to give DH?

Present from our DC includes a picture of DH and DC so obviously not from all.

Sorting Fathers Day stuff from your SC isn't your responsibility or job by any stretch of the imagination OP.

However so many exs use Fathers Day as an excuse to be hurtful or passive aggressive to their kids dad by not facilitating presents or cards. Which is unfair on everyone involved really.

You see so many times on MN "your just the stepmum. They aren't your kids so you shouldn't be involved" however, Fathers Day seems to be a complete 180 of this with mum refusing to do anything out of spite etc and expecting step mum to sort.

If his kids come on Fathers Day they'll be upset if they don't have any way to gift something or celebrate the occasion, so I'd get some sweets or chocolates from them to give to your husband. Their homemade card also sounds like a lovely little gift from them.

Many rps don't think much of their exes as a father so why or why would they, let alone should be responsible for getting cards and presents?

It's not a SM responsibility, but surely it is a partner's? One that recognises what a great father he is and wants all his children to acknowledge it on that day? The SM is not doing the rp a favour by doing it, not even so much the kids, but it is a gesture of love towards the person you love. I really don't understand why a SM would have an issue supporting her SCs to do something to show their love for their dad.

@vivainsomnia

Many rps don't think much of their exes as a father so why or why would they, let alone should be responsible for getting cards and presents?

It's not a SM responsibility, but surely it is a partner's? One that recognises what a great father he is and wants all his children to acknowledge it on that day? The SM is not doing the rp a favour by doing it, not even so much the kids, but it is a gesture of love towards the person you love. I really don't understand why a SM would have an issue supporting her SCs to do something to show their love for their dad.

The RP made a decision to become a parent with the Dad and all that that entails. The SM has not inherited the parenting role yet is supposed to do the shit bits?

No thanks.

It's not a SM responsibility, but surely it is a partner's? One that recognises what a great father he is and wants all his children to acknowledge it on that day? The SM is not doing the rp a favour by doing it, not even so much the kids, but it is a gesture of love towards the person you love. I really don't understand why a SM would have an issue supporting her SCs to do something to show their love for their dad.

The gesture of love is supposed to come from the preteen kids, not the father's partner. Of course she would be doing them a favour to do it for them! What is with that shifting of personal responsibilities? Suddenly not only is it a partner's job to make sure other people appreciate their partner, but it can't even be acknowledged that doing so is doing someone a favour.

There's also a huge difference between supporting proactive SC, who just need a bit of adult help, to get something, and getting something for them to pretend they had any involvement with. I do help my SS make a FD card, in that I provide him with the pencils and paper. I don't, and wouldn't buy a gift "from" him that he has not instigated. And he's younger than OPs SC.

@DinoHat - the shit bits? Buying a small gift for your SC to give to your husband? Why's that shit?

[quote blahblahblah321]@DinoHat - the shit bits? Buying a small gift for your SC to give to your husband? Why's that shit? [/quote]
If it's not shit then the parent can do it. If parent has declared it too shit a job then why are they palming it off on the step parent?

It isn't exactly going to bring the step parent joy having to find something and spend money on something their own mother can't even be bothered to do. I'd just shove a box of chocolates in the online shopping order and ask DH to pay for it.

If I want to by my partner something I can do it without all the faff of pretending its from his SC.

@aSofaNearYou

For the sake of buying your own husband a bar of chocolate or cheap gift and letting his other kids hand it over, what's the problem?

Because it's bloody stupid! God this whole debate is so frustrating, at a certain point the whole FD/MD gift giving becomes farcical if they aren't actually doing it themselves.

I agree with this. It all just gets a bit silly!

Tbh I think it's ridiculous that people are still buying gifts 'from' any children when they are of an age where they should be doing it themselves, even if someone has to give them a tenner to go out and pick something up. Children in secondary school should be aware enough to be able to pick up a bar of chocolate or the like for their dad on Father's Day.

If it's not actually from them by the time they are in/nearly in secondary school, the dad may as well just buy it himself.

I just don't get it, if I had my own children and one of them was in secondary school, I would 100% just be reminding them that it's father's day. The most I would do is offer them some money to pick something up for him if I knew they didn't have it in pocket money, I would not buy a gift on their behalf at that age. And that's if I was actually their mum, whether I was together with dad or not!

As an SM, I wouldn't wade into it at all and my DP would never expect me to.

ALSO I think most dads would be delighted with the handmade cards that OP has said her SC's make. That means way more than some old tat that OP or their mum might pick up for them to give him.

I very much doubt her DP would be upset at the lack of a 'proper' gift when his children have put thought and effort in.

I agree, i love a homemade card

@vivainsomnia sorry but that's total rubbish.

RPs obviously don't think that NRPs will be a poor parent when they have kids with them do they?

Surely nobody would choose to have children with someone they think would be a rubbish dad.

Nope. You've just proven my point about some RPs being spiteful and nasty when it comes to FD.

You absolutely don't have to. For me if he use a good dad in general I think I'd get him an extra box of chocolates (or biscuits or in my DP case prawn crackers for some ungodly reason) and wrap it from all the DC.

I'm all about boundaries but I think this one is a bit unnecessary really. It's fine if there's a reason for the line. If course you don't have to.

I don't have to buy for Exdh and I wouldn't give two hoots if someone says I should. He's a good dad (well I mean he is a Disney dad and couldn't pick their school out on pain of disembowlement but in his own way) so I do get him something.

Ultimately he's a relatively decent man and I feel no need to mark territory in any way. I grant you though if someone told me I had to I would tell them where to go. I buy because I want to and it doesn't hurt. Depends on why really? Is money tight?

If the intent of the gift is to give pleasure to the dad, then one would assume it reasonable to do the thing in a manner that would give him the most pleasure. Giving him a picture of one child on Father'sDay seems to be a not so subtle reminder that you do not consider him to be a father of 3 or whatever number. That seems to be a particularly tasteless point to make on Father's Day. That would be a more appropriate Birthday present .

I cannot imagine wanting to remind my spouse on Father's Day about any bittersweet reminders related to his collective view of his parental
status.

Giving him a picture of one child on Father'sDay seems to be a not so subtle reminder that you do not consider him to be a father of 3 or whatever number. That seems to be a particularly tasteless point to make on Father's Day.

It's only a specific type of very defensive person who automatically and baselessly reads that subtext into it, though, and yet it is so often stated on here as fact.

[quote blahblahblah321]@DinoHat - the shit bits? Buying a small gift for your SC to give to your husband? Why's that shit? [/quote]
If I want to buy my DH a gift I don’t need to pretend it’s from someone else. If his son wants to buy him a gift that’s up to him, I appreciate him on Valentine’s Day, his birthday, or when I feel like it as his wife. It’s not my job to take responsibility for his sons Father’s Day obligations.

As it happens I get a gift from all his kids, as one is mine. But I wouldn’t go out my way to include his son if he couldn’t be arsed himself.

I think that the only subtext or subtle messaging that really matters is that which the recipient receives from the gift. If I had to question the appropriateness of a gift that I was considering, I would probably go with a different option.

@Tiredoftattler

I think that the only subtext or subtle messaging that really matters is that which the recipient receives from the gift. If I had to question the appropriateness of a gift that I was considering, I would probably go with a different option.

Yes, if you even had a negative enough outlook to assume your partner would be offended by a picture of your child together, from you. I certainly wouldn't make that assumption, in fact I'd consider it a pretty awful response.

Why would someone be upset to get a photo of their child? Unless said child was deceased.

I have 2 children with my ex husband. I would never choose Father's Day as a day to give him a picture of one of them. He has meant pictures of them separately and is always happy to receive pictures of them alone or together. However Father's Day would never be a day that I would choose to gift a father of multiple children with a picture of 1 child. There are far too
many opportunities to make that kind of gift other than Father's Day.

That kind of gift would be an ideal gift to give dad on baby's first Birthday. Just my opinion, and it really only matters what message the gift sends to dad.

Hopefully, he knows his partner well enough to recognize her intent.

The RP made a decision to become a parent with the Dad and all that that entails
And a decision was made that they were to go their separate ways and not care for each other's welfare. The care remains limited to that of the children.

It certainly isn't the responsibility of the RP to ensure that her ex gets the joy of a thoughtful present to celebrate them being a father. If their partner don't care to do it, that's fine too but is really sad when they can be bothered to think of a special present that involves their own child.

As it is, I ensure my kids had something for their dad on Father's day despite him certainly being a shitty dad. I did it for them because up to a certain age, it made them happy to see him happy. Later on, eldest took over and got cards. Then youngest decided they wanted nothing to do with him, so that was the end of it.

There is however a difference between doing it for the benefit of the kids, and having the responsibility for his benefit solely.

However Father's Day would never be a day that I would choose to gift a father of multiple children with a picture of 1 child. There are far too
many opportunities to make that kind of gift other than Father's Day.

It all seems to hinge on the assumption that a picture of all his kids is the ONLY appropriate gift to buy on Father's Day, when in reality there is no such established tradition, so no reason to assume that a photo of one of them from the person who is (due to their age) responsible for shopping for them, is a malicious act.

As PPs have mentioned, there are practical reasons a SM will be unlikely to get the present of a pic of all the kids. They will likely have hundreds of pictures of their own child, whilst getting a nice, staged photo including multiple NR children who primarily come to see him without him knowing about it, is a near impossible task. I don't have any nice pictures of my SC.

If you are that sensitive about having kids with different people and all the little differences that entails, perhaps you just shouldn't do it!

Its laughable that anyone would imagine simply because two people share children together that the RP should be responsible for father's days presents.

Unfortunately in many cases of divorce there is domestic abuse. My ex was violent, doesn't pay child support, abandoned his children and only has contact once in a blue moon yet Father's Day is my job?

@Willyoujustbequiet

Its laughable that anyone would imagine simply because two people share children together that the RP should be responsible for father's days presents.

Unfortunately in many cases of divorce there is domestic abuse. My ex was violent, doesn't pay child support, abandoned his children and only has contact once in a blue moon yet Father's Day is my job?

What’s laughable is that you don’t consider it “your job” but other posters (and maybe you) think it becomes someone else’s, just because they have a romantic relationship with your ex.