AIBU to just get a Father's Day gift from our joint DC?

[FathersDayToDoOrNot]

First father's Day with our joint DC and I have bought a little present from DC to DH along with a card. I specifically didn't choose a 'first father's day' card because obviously it isn't his first but it does say our first Father's Day together.

Usually DSC make him a card but I've never gotten involved in it or bought presents for them to give DH. His ex used to but hasn't for a while.

AIBU not to get other presents for DSC to give DH?

Present from our DC includes a picture of DH and DC so obviously not from all.

@Tiredoftattler

I have 2 children with my ex husband. I would never choose Father's Day as a day to give him a picture of one of them. He has meant pictures of them separately and is always happy to receive pictures of them alone or together. However Father's Day would never be a day that I would choose to gift a father of multiple children with a picture of 1 child. There are far too many opportunities to make that kind of gift other than Father's Day.

That kind of gift would be an ideal gift to give dad on baby's first Birthday. Just my opinion, and it really only matters what message the gift sends to dad.

Hopefully, he knows his partner well enough to recognize her intent.

Yeah but they're both your children so obviously it would be odd if you gave him a photo of just one of them?

By your logic, if your ex goes on to have further children it would then be inappropriate of you to give him a photo of your 2 children on Father's Day because it's saying he is only the father of those 2, which is madness. Would you really feel that was inappropriate of you to do?

Everyone's situation is different of course, but for me it would be incredibly awkward all round if I tried to step in on Father's Day for my SCs.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Its laughable that anyone would imagine simply because two people share children together that the RP should be responsible for father's days presents.

Unfortunately in many cases of divorce there is domestic abuse. My ex was violent, doesn't pay child support, abandoned his children and only has contact once in a blue moon yet Father's Day is my job?

Tbh I consider it the job of the children, not the mum or the stepmum.

If the children were too young then tbh I would just give my DP a present for me in recognition of him being the father of my child, rather than from the kids. I wouldn't do that if he was my ex though.

I get my DSS to sign a card. I always put pics of all the kids. My DSS couldn't care less and unless reminded (he's 15) wouldn't even mention it. He's old enough to sort his own present but wouldn't bother. Our two kids are under two, so I just buy whatever and all the kids take credit.
But I don't buy something specifically from DSS. But I would if he piped up and asked me to.

think it becomes someone else’s, just because they have a romantic relationship with your ex
Why make it a responsibility? The SM certainly doesn't have to do it but it's a bit strange not to do something that ultimately will make their OH most happy on what is supposed to be his day. The ex doesn't have to care at all to ensure he is happy.

OP how did it go in the end?

@Cakelaur

I get my DSS to sign a card. I always put pics of all the kids. My DSS couldn't care less and unless reminded (he's 15) wouldn't even mention it. He's old enough to sort his own present but wouldn't bother. Our two kids are under two, so I just buy whatever and all the kids take credit. But I don't buy something specifically from DSS. But I would if he piped up and asked me to.

Doesn't sound like your DSS is learning very much about being a decent person.

@vivainsomnia

think it becomes someone else’s, just because they have a romantic relationship with your ex Why make it a responsibility? The SM certainly doesn't have to do it but it's a bit strange not to do something that ultimately will make their OH most happy on what is supposed to be his day. The ex doesn't have to care at all to ensure he is happy.

OP how did it go in the end?

Because something that's your job to do, is a responsibility? Especially if it's picking out a gift, rather than just a card. I find choosing gifts quite stressful, and being expected to cover your partner's FD adds to the mental load. His "day" from anyone other than his kids, is his birthday.

Lots of things would make him happy in theory but I don't really want to have to be the one to do them, I don't live to serve and find constant joy from doing so. And in this case that thing is feeling like somebody else who was capable of putting thought into him, has done so, so it's a no brainer for them to actually do that themselves, rather than me do it so they can pretend they have!

@aSofaNearYou I completely agree. But you may have seen some of my other posts. Im not allowed to parent him, and his parents don't seem to like to "parent" him. So quite frankly for an easy life and so my husband doesn't feel shit, I get his kid to sign the card. 🤷‍♀️

Because something that's your job to do, is a responsibility?
And that's the issue. If what it has become is just a 'job to do', it has nothing to do with the spirit of the day any longer.

Either you embrace it for what it us, a celebration that should make the person happy, or if it is nothing else than a chore, don't bother at all.

@vivainsomnia

Because something that's your job to do, is a responsibility? And that's the issue. If what it has become is just a 'job to do', it has nothing to do with the spirit of the day any longer.

Either you embrace it for what it us, a celebration that should make the person happy, or if it is nothing else than a chore, don't bother at all.

Eeer yes, direct all that to the kids, the people who are supposed to be feeling the "spirit of the day".