AIBU to just get a Father's Day gift from our joint DC?

[FathersDayToDoOrNot]

First father's Day with our joint DC and I have bought a little present from DC to DH along with a card. I specifically didn't choose a 'first father's day' card because obviously it isn't his first but it does say our first Father's Day together.

Usually DSC make him a card but I've never gotten involved in it or bought presents for them to give DH. His ex used to but hasn't for a while.

AIBU not to get other presents for DSC to give DH?

Present from our DC includes a picture of DH and DC so obviously not from all.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Up to you sofa. Your husband. In my house though, I want my DH to have a nice Father's Day, so if he had kids whose mum didn't bother, I would on their behalf. Ideally the kids would be involved in that because you're right in that the kids should be taught that these things matter to people. But I'd be doing it from the perspective of doing a nice thing for my DH, not because I felt it was my responsibility to raise his dc.

Even if the kids were over 10?

I said in my first comment that I would remind them they need to do something, but I'm talking more about the people saying she needs to buy something on their behalf. And that's not even considering the people who think it will be terribly upsetting for them that she organised a gift from their actual baby. Surely by that age they should expect the gifts to come from themselves?

No it's their mothers job to help them if she can be arsed if she can't then the kids can ask you to help but don't take this on as your responsibility and don't feel bad for getting something from your little one.

Individual pictures are fine but as a Father’s Day gift they should include all his children not just selected ones.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

so parents of 2 or more kids are now not allowed to have photos of themselves plus 1 child. gotcha.

can we keep any of these photos of DH + 2 kids?
DH + DS1 & DS2
DH + DS1 & DS3
DH + DS1 & DS4
DH + DS1 & DS5
DH + DS1 & DD
DH + DS1 & DS6
DH + DS2 & DS3
DH + DS2 & DS4
DH + DS2 & DS5
DH + DS2 & DD
DH + DS2 & DS6
DH + DS3 & DS4
DH + DS3 & DS5
DH + DS3 & DD
DH + DS3 & DS6
DH + DS4 & DS5
DH + DS4 & DD
DH + DS4 & DS6
DH + DS5 & DD
DH + DS5 & DS6
DH + DD & DS6

I think you need a spreadsheet to make sure there are exactly the same number of pictures for each child.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Individual pictures are fine but as a Father’s Day gift they should include all his children not just selected ones.

Why DSC's mum can sort out a picture of the DSC if it's that important to them. Unless she is not around.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think it's her job, as a spouse. Not her job as a stepmother, if that wasn't clear.

I'd better get a divorce then. Why am I arranging a gift for children who aren't mine to give to their dad? If they care they can make a card or sort it out themselves at age 10. If they go to a relatives birthday do I have to get a gift then too?

@InnaBun

already started it.
I will do the DH + 3 kids, DH + 4 kids versions too.

then there's the same lot again but kids & I.
and DH & I and selected kids.
I'm thinking we also must involve other family members, friends, kids' classmates...this should take a while

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Individual pictures are fine but as a Father’s Day gift they should include all his children not just selected ones.

Again, why? If it included the caption "all your children" it would obviously be inappropriate, but it isn't pretending to be that. It's a picture of one of his kids, from the mother of that child. A perfectly appropriate gift from that person.

Personally here I do Father’s Day for DP. His ex did it a couple of times but tbh it annoyed me a bit, as he has 2 DC (different mums) and she wanted to eldest to go to her so she could do something for both her DC and the eldest who isn’t hers. Given they were no longer together it seemed a bit odd to me to carry on. She would also do quite personalised stuff, which whilst fine, DP doesn’t actually like and would never display (just the kind of person/people we are), and also my DC so DP’s step kids wanted to get involved too. Not overly but they consider him
A father figure so wanted to also make him a card and give gifts etc. I preferred to get them all to do something together and they wanted to do this too.

More recently the ex has stopped doing anything maybe she will send a bag of sweets or chocolate with her own DC but that’s it which is absolutely fine.

So I think it really depends on the situation. If DSC are old enough to make their own card and that’s what they usually do then fine. I would possibly ask them, when they came round whether they wanted to pick up some chocolates or something but would still do what you have from your DC.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Individual pictures are fine but as a Father’s Day gift they should include all his children not just selected ones.

But even on a practical level, it can be difficult for step-parents of NR children to even get a photo of all children together in the first place.

Like for me it would be very difficult without literally having to tell my DP that's what I'm doing, because I wouldn't get the time without him to do that when they are here. To ensure they're all dressed, get them somewhere with a decent background and then take a few shots where they're all looking at the camera, smiling, not blinking.....it would be a nightmare. It might be fine if you're a resident parent/step-parent because you'd have loads of time to sort that out, but most stepmums aren't.

I genuinely wouldn't think anything of giving my DP a picture of our joint child. We have plenty of photos of my SCs up and will continue to do that.

As others have said it really should be the mums responsibility

Except OP said they used to and it fizzled out. But it didn't fizzle out. One person decided to stop and the other followed suit. Who did when would be interesting.

@MrsTerryPratchett

As others have said it really should be the mums responsibility

Except OP said they used to and it fizzled out. But it didn't fizzle out. One person decided to stop and the other followed suit. Who did when would be interesting.

I honestly don't have a clue who stopped first, I didn't really pay much attention to it so I can't remember who got what and on what year just that when we first met they did for a couple of years then it's dropped off now for the past few I think.

I honestly don't have a clue who stopped first, I didn't really pay much attention to it so I can't remember who got what and on what year just that when we first met they did for a couple of years then it's dropped off now for the past few I think.

If they haven't done it for the last few years then most likely it's because the mum now considers them old enough to take responsibility for it, and I don't think she's wrong! They might need a bit more nudging, so you could perhaps prompt them on the last contact day before FD, but I do think they're at the age when they can take charge of sorting their own cards/gifts.

I really resent the fact that my DSF never got my mum something from us when we were young. My parents had a really horrible divorce and I lost contact with DF, so until the age of 12 or so I never had a proper present to give DM. I used to feel very anxious coming up to Mothers Day and to this day I don't do MD with my own children as for me it is a really sad day, a day that marks me out from their 'joint' family that I am not part of. So yes OP, for that I do think YABU.

This is yet another thing and day where SMs are made to feel guilty or to have pressure put on them to do something thats 'expected'or something that doesnt feel natural and yet again another thing thats taken away from them and there child, another first thats not a first.

@jasminoide

I really resent the fact that my DSF never got my mum something from us when we were young. My parents had a really horrible divorce and I lost contact with DF, so until the age of 12 or so I never had a proper present to give DM. I used to feel very anxious coming up to Mothers Day and to this day I don't do MD with my own children as for me it is a really sad day, a day that marks me out from their 'joint' family that I am not part of. So yes OP, for that I do think YABU.

That's sad

@harryclr

This is yet another thing and day where SMs are made to feel guilty or to have pressure put on them to do something thats 'expected'or something that doesnt feel natural and yet again another thing thats taken away from them and there child, another first thats not a first.

Another first taken away? Well yes, her DH has already had a Father's Day - not much you can do about that! Not sure anyone has taken anything away. It's her child's first, and her DH's first with their baby - I don't think anyone is denying that?

I supported my children for 2 year to buy gifts for their father. And it was not reciprocated. I also got no child support and it Christmas it was £10 spent in ex. Or went towards the children. I priorities the children over him.

He has a partner. And signed posted the children to ask her to support with gift buying from that point.

If gf wasn't on the scene I would get a card and small something for the children's benefit.

The children haven't had any say in what's happened between their parents. I would never risk a child feeling sad and left out because it wasn't strictly speaking my responsibility to prevent it!
Adults have histories - if you marry someone who has been married before and has children, you are only going to make yourself miserable if you resent the lack of 'firsts'!
Of course a mum can get something that's just from her child, but it's mean to not do a little something with or from the step children, if your actions are the difference between those kids feeling included or left out on family occasions.
If it would make the day better for your husband and your step children, that is what matters imo, rather than whose responsibility it ought to be.

Hmm. Bit surprised by some of the responses. I'd say it's not your job or responsibility to arrange it, and I wouldn't do it in your place. People have really strange expectations.

@jasminoide's story is sad of course but also a completely différent situation as she was living with the step-parent full time. OP's stepkids don't live with her.

So those saying OP should do it, is it an obligation to the DSC or to her husband?

If to the DSC (and it seems to me it is more about not excluding the children) then surely their mother has a bigger responsibility.

If to DH then I don't see why he would mind unless, again, if was about the children being excluded and in that case the responsibility goes back to the mother.

I find it odd that people expect it to be SM's job and not their actual mothers.

Elder I would do it for both reasons.

@ElderMillennial

So those saying OP should do it, is it an obligation to the DSC or to her husband?

If to the DSC (and it seems to me it is more about not excluding the children) then surely their mother has a bigger responsibility.

If to DH then I don't see why he would mind unless, again, if was about the children being excluded and in that case the responsibility goes back to the mother.

Yeah I agree. DH is a grown up and can handle it if the DSC's mum can't be bothered to get a present and if DSC are upset and want to get one that's up to Dad or Mum to sort out.

Father's Day is about the Father.

In most blended families there are DC and SDCs of all descriptions, flavours and likes.

The father is father to all of them - is it too much effort to buy a card and a box of his favourite chocolate,/muffins/brownies from all his DCs.

Do separate aswell if that is what you want, but £10 is not going to break the bank.
The pettiness on here sometimes astounds