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Original poster

Meeting the ex wife…or not

267 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:34

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

OP posts:
EnoughnowIthink · 23/05/2021 13:45

You can insist all you want but if she says no then you'd have to accept it

Nope. I’d see him in court before said child was left with someone without a clue. It’s piss poor parenting and wouldn’t get past a judge.

KylieKoKo · 23/05/2021 13:49

I don't the a judge would look very kindly on you limiting contact because you think you have a right to vet your ex's partner. And what if you met her and disliked her? Would you expect your ex to end the relationship?

EnoughnowIthink · 23/05/2021 13:51

ODFOD. Is that what I said? Vet her?

KylieKoKo · 23/05/2021 13:51

Your ex does sound rubbish by the way but it wouldn't be up to any partner of his to fill in the gaps for him. He is responsible for his child.

EnoughnowIthink · 23/05/2021 13:54

My child can’t set foot in school if there aren’t 2 trained people on the premises, a comprehensive care plan, a bag full of scanners and testing strips, carb calculation ratios, correction calculations, hypo treatments and a lifesaving injection you need to be trained to use....but my child’s father gets to leave him with someone who has no clue about his condition because he’s his father? Jesus fucking wept.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 14:01

@EnoughnowIthink

My child can’t set foot in school if there aren’t 2 trained people on the premises, a comprehensive care plan, a bag full of scanners and testing strips, carb calculation ratios, correction calculations, hypo treatments and a lifesaving injection you need to be trained to use....but my child’s father gets to leave him with someone who has no clue about his condition because he’s his father? Jesus fucking wept.
Why would he be leaving your child with her? He is the parent.
ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 14:02

@EnoughnowIthink

You can insist all you want but if she says no then you'd have to accept it

Nope. I’d see him in court before said child was left with someone without a clue. It’s piss poor parenting and wouldn’t get past a judge.

You leave your child with him and it doesn't sound like her knows what he is doing though.
KylieKoKo · 23/05/2021 14:04

He sounds like a shit father who should not be having unsupervised contact if you don't trust him to deal with your child's health needs. I'm not sure why meeting a new partner is even relevant here. You have much bigger issues than a new girlfriend not agreeing to be vetted by you.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 14:04

As KylieKoKo says you can insist all you want, the new partner doesn't have to say yes. I'm not sure having a coffee or saying hi is going to help in your situation, your ex is the problem not taking it seriously enough.

EnoughnowIthink · 23/05/2021 14:05

He has basic training and my eldest child. It is crucial any adult he may be left with for a short time understands.

Never mind.

Controlling, bitter ex it is.

KylieKoKo · 23/05/2021 14:07

@EnoughnowIthink I sympathize but a new partner could still say no to meeting you. If you don't trust your ex to ensure that your child is not left alone with someone who wouldn't know what to do then he should not be having unsupervised contact.

FishyFriday · 23/05/2021 14:17

@ThatIsMyPotato

It also depends on the ex, in my case I am pretty sure it will lead to "Potato has nice clothes/a good job etc so you can afford to give me more maintenance". The less she knows about me the less hassle for everyone.
Indeed.

It's a very well imagining that it can be all lovely and friendly. But some of us are dealing with an ex, who for reasons known only to herself, acts dreadfully regularly. Like screaming on the doorstep dreadfully. It's embarrassing. And she's largely motivated by money too but wants the entire world to pay for her (because she doesn't work; that would be beneath her). I don't need to put myself up for her crap or give her any more ideas that she should be getting more money because I do work.

She's still with the other man that was the precipitating factor in her and my husband separating. So there is a history there that means the two men don't make pleasant chit chat with each other on the doorstep. Plus, my husband's personality is such that he won't rise above it.

OTOH, I manage to remain perfectly civil, even polite, to my ex. We split because he treated me appallingly but we manage to just get on and do what's right for our shared child.

Not everyone is dealing with reasonable people.

Soontobe60 · 23/05/2021 14:17

My ex’s new wife already knew me whilst I was married to him - she was an employee of his best friend. I didn’t like her and she didn’t like me, but for the most part we were civil although we hardly ever met up. They divorced a few years later, and when my dd got married she came to the evening reception and tried to give me a bloody hug!

His next wife also knew me, she’s lovely, when we all get together for one of the grandchildren’s birthday etc we have a good old gossip about our mutual husband 🤣

I’d say, for the children’s sake, if you can be seen to be friendly with each other in their presence it can alleviate a lot of their worries.

FishyFriday · 23/05/2021 14:21

@EnoughnowIthink

The mother of children believing she is senior parent and requires control of every aspect of the children’s life

I’ll add further ‘depth’ to this discussion, one of my children was diagnosed post-divorce with type 1 diabetes. It’s a complex condition to manage and gets life threatening very quickly. Ex attended 20 minutes of training in hospital and declared to said child that ‘I know more about diabetes than you ever will’ yet I have to send simple stuff with my child like multipacks of haribo, easily available in any supermarket (he has one 5 minuteswalk away and he is able bodied) which is essential type 1 kit because he doesn’t keep any in. He won’t buy a box of needles (£5 for 100 in several online pharmacies) in case he runs out or anything else. He doesn’t even carb count - let’s the eldest child do it. So I’m sorry, but 100% I am the senior parent where type 1 is concerned because I have bothered to learn the basics and spend money on back up kit in case of emergency. And no fucking way on this earth is that child being left with an adult without any training whatsoever in his condition. Thankfully, I can afford a phone for type 1 child, I live close by and eldest child has taken the time to fully understand what he’s dealing with but fuck me, there are situations where it’s essential to engage with a child’s other parent. I am not being dramatic when I say it’s life or death and a huge degree of control is required to ensure that said child is kept well, let alone alive.

But that all falls under your ex not being a good enough parent. There are serious concerns about his ability to safeguard his diabetic child. No wonder you wouldn't trust his judgement.

The issue there is your ex. And not really relevant to whether someone has the right to insist on meeting their ex's partner. He's just not a capable enough father.

Bancha · 23/05/2021 14:21

@Muststopeating

*When my DSC are here their dad is responsible for them unless he can’t be here for some reason and then they’re in my care and it has nothing at all to do with their mother.

I don’t have her number, I don’t need it.*

Do you have children of your own? This is so cold! Everything that happens to my children, every single thing has something to do with me. I grew them!

OP, I haven't been through this but I think it is grossly unfair that anyone (either parent) can he expected to hand their children over to live in a house with someone they've never met!

I completely agree with this. I would not be at all comfortable with my DC spending so much time with someone I’d never met.
KylieKoKo · 23/05/2021 14:22

I’d say, for the children’s sake, if you can be seen to be friendly with each other in their presence it can alleviate a lot of their worries.

I agree with this but I don't think requesting a formal meeting before you "allow" a new partner to meet your children is the way to start a friendly relationship.

I am friendly with DPs ex and I now have her number just in case but that's because she's been reasonable. If she had felt entitled to my time or assumed that I'd be a co-parent I don't think we'd have a very good relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2021 14:24

@EnoughnowIthink there is obviously a massive difference between needing to meet someone to pass on vital medical information vs a generic step parenting situation.

But nonetheless, there's no way a court would support you blocking contact due to your ex not introducing you to his gf. If they haven't ruled that he does not know enough about your childs condition to look after them, why would they think it was reasonable to expect her to?

FishyFriday · 23/05/2021 14:24

@EnoughnowIthink

My child can’t set foot in school if there aren’t 2 trained people on the premises, a comprehensive care plan, a bag full of scanners and testing strips, carb calculation ratios, correction calculations, hypo treatments and a lifesaving injection you need to be trained to use....but my child’s father gets to leave him with someone who has no clue about his condition because he’s his father? Jesus fucking wept.
Sadly he has parental responsibility.

Schools have different requirements. Do you have two trained adults in your home at all times?

As I said, your ex sounds like a shit parent. That's the problem.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 14:27

I completely agree with this. I would not be at all comfortable with my DC spending so much time with someone I’d never met. that's something for you to come to terms with though, and while I agree it must be hard, the new partner does not have to do anything to put your mind at ease. It's nice if they do but it is not owed.

KylieKoKo · 23/05/2021 14:28

I completely agree with this. I would not be at all comfortable with my DC spending so much time with someone I’d never met.

@Bancha
A new partner of your ex is not obliged to meet you to make you comfortable though. She doesn't owe you that.

loosingmymind99 · 23/05/2021 14:28

The only women who refuse to meet the ex are either cold bitches or not mothers themselves.

Completely disagree with this! I have absolutely no desire to have anything to do with my Dh's ex! It's unfair to judge situations without knowing the history and background . However if anyone should be wanting to meet a new partner it should be the mother of the children! Not the ex. If coparenting/ divorce/separation was all so easy and straightforward there would be no need for forums like this

loosingmymind99 · 23/05/2021 14:30

Meant the new partner not the ex

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 14:48

My ex and I have been split for almost 16 years and his now wife was the OW.

WHY would I want to meet her? My children are all adults now and all refuse to have anything to do with her because she has been so abusive to them. Her 3 children from her first marriage don’t have anything to do with her either.

My extra tried to introduce us at events, or set up a meeting. I just said no thanks.

Why would I be interested in being pleasant to the OW who was emotionally abusive to my children?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/05/2021 14:50

@EnoughnowIthink

My child can’t set foot in school if there aren’t 2 trained people on the premises, a comprehensive care plan, a bag full of scanners and testing strips, carb calculation ratios, correction calculations, hypo treatments and a lifesaving injection you need to be trained to use....but my child’s father gets to leave him with someone who has no clue about his condition because he’s his father? Jesus fucking wept.
Any responsible father would ensure that their new partner knew what to do.

I know for a fact that if me and dp split that he would make sure a new partner knew about the weird little things ds needs because he is an excellent dad.

Same as I know all the weird little things about dss.

If it was incredibly important medical information I have no shadow of a doubt that he would ensure anyone living with his child knew what to do. I wouldn't need to be involved.

If your ex can't do that, it's on him.

Bancha · 23/05/2021 14:56

@KylieKoKo

I completely agree with this. I would not be at all comfortable with my DC spending so much time with someone I’d never met.

@Bancha
A new partner of your ex is not obliged to meet you to make you comfortable though. She doesn't owe you that.

@KylieKoKo

Personally, I disagree. I think if you’re going to have a relationship with someone with children (and spend time with the children - if not, it’s a totally different thing) then you have to have enough respect for everyone involved to meet the children’s other parent. If not, don’t have a relationship with someone with children. I would also feel this way if I was the new partner in that situation.

But, we don’t have to agree on this, as unless I am majorly out of the loop you’re not in a relationship with my DH! Grin