Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

You’ve got tunnel vision. Cant do right by everyone. You’re sounding a bit Vicky Pollard now.

I also note this is the first and only post by the op.

@UhtredRagnarson

We don't know the ex's financial situation. She might be a multi millionaire in which case they will still be able to eat.

Oh well that’s alright then, dad is absolved of all responsibility as long as mum can feed the child.

That's not what I said. I didn't think it was fair to assume mum is struggling financially and unable to support her children without her exH. A lot of parents in her position might make sure they can support their children by themselves incase dad stops paying. I see it a lot that posters are told not to rely on maintenance payments. If mum has sufficient funds and is happy for 50/50 and son is happy for 50/50 I don't see why it can't happen. Or son might even prefer to move full time with dad.

It sounds like you two deserve each other.

Just remember this, one day your baby will grow up and realise how you allowed/enabled their sibling to be financially disadvantaged and understand how their father’s actions impacted things. They won’t think of you well.

Why is your baby more important that his existing child?

Honestly, if you allow this to happen and pay zero I’m not sure how you could sleep at night.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.... worth thinking about OP. If he can do it to one of his children, he can do it to the other.

Okay thank you, I know I'd be heavily judged. I'm just doing what's best for baby. I agree DSS should come more often or even go 50:50 that way no CMS payment needed.

Not paying maintenance doesn't mean you don't pay for the upkeep your still required to provide clothes, activities, uniform, school dinners. Honestly your dh is a shit he knows excately what he's doing. I couldn't be married to someone like that.

@PlanDeRaccordement

OP sounds like a great idea. Although you will need to ensure he claims child benefit so that his pension doesn’t suffer. Look for advice geared to SAHMs about ensuring financial security.

No wonder men refuse to be SAHDs. Not too long ago there was a thread saying that men willing to be a SAHD are vanishingly rare and a woman is incredibly lucky if she finds one but sadly our sexist society continues to assume mothers can stay home, but fathers should not. The attitudes on this thread regarding OPs DH show why that is so. Even after learning the DH wants to spend more time with his eldest son by moving from EOW and one night a week to 50/50 care arrangement. An arrangement that surely allows his ex to be better off because she’ll save more than £250/mo he currently pays in child care costs. Shocked by the nasty comments. Would you say the same about a woman choosing to be a SAHM? Sarcastically call her a “princess”? Tell her it’s morally wrong for her to not work because her ex needs money more than her spending 50% time with her elder child?

But he's not thinking what's best for his first born, he's wanting to do 50/50 to drop payments. If he'd decided to do it purely to spend time with his child more then fantastic, but it's a financial motive. Otherwise it wouldn't be going part time and dropping payments also being considered, the whole thing is centred around them not being able to afford the new baby and continue CMS.

The existing CMS should be considered as a bill that must be paid, in the same way as council tax or a mortgage. Not paying should not be an option. Only if you can afford as a couple to meet all of your obligations should one consider themselves in a position to give up work to be a stay at home anything. That’s what decent people would do. Cut costs elsewhere if you have to. Don’t take it out of your child’s siblings pocket FGS.

My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option.

@Britsmums11
What's his plan for supporting his son?

If he's thought that through and made financial or increased parental contact arrangements then fair enough.

If he's ditching his first child and assuming his ex will raise him as a financial single parent, that tells you he's not a very good father or a decent person.

Up to you whether you think that's ok or not

You can do 50:50 but that will likely increase your costs far more than £250 a month. I'd leave contact how it is and just pay the £250.

Are you sure you want DSS 50:50? You might find that actually you resent his intrusion into your family life and £250 a month is not a bad bargain to not have to deal with that. Especially as you'll be spending a fair bit on his upkeep if you go 50:50.

Well, yep you definitely are not shy at admitting your child should come first to the detriment of his son. That £250 in your view is too much for the mother to help raise him. And only want him around to have more money in your pocket. Give it 5 years you'll be back, my ex only wants the child to cut down on what he pays, and wants to be a SAHD with a new baby as he thinks I can raise his child on fresh air. Well done you both prize parents

Just remember op, if he's happy to do this to his eldest child, he'll do it to your child too. Karma can be a real bitch.

This is why the UK should adopt the view America has can't paid they get put in jail. Just disgraceful surely when you plan a baby you consider the cost of childcare. If anyone should be a sahp it should be op.

@Footloosefancyfree

Okay thank you, I know I'd be heavily judged. I'm just doing what's best for baby. I agree DSS should come more often or even go 50:50 that way no CMS payment needed.

Not paying maintenance doesn't mean you don't pay for the upkeep your still required to provide clothes, activities, uniform, school dinners. Honestly your dh is a shit he knows excately what he's doing. I couldn't be married to someone like that.

This.

I hope you are a troll op. Because if not, your post makes me so sad for your dh son

i'm just doing what's best for my baby
I understand that but your DH has at least two DC he is responsible for. It's not just all about what works for your family dynamic.

Why do people keep talking about the kids as if only one of them “exists” and the other doesn’t quite?
That’s aside, I think the best option would be part time work for your DH. That would cut your childcare outgoings right down so you’d be on a winner and he could work enough to continue to pay the £250.

Or he could cut it down to the CMS amount based on his new income but why would he do that when you’re family unit is already saving loads on childcare and are better off? That would be a Dick Move.

So grim. Your husband needs to
Realise that he can’t afford to
Be a stay at home
Dad as he has another child that he needs to
Support.

Like I said I've got total and complete tunnel vision and want to do what's right for My baby

Don't you feel a responsibility towards your step son? Do you have any feelings for the child?

Of course, OP, what would really make this justifiable would be if DSS's mother spends the child maintenance on having her hair and nails done .

Go on...tell us that she wastes the money on clothes and stuff for herself rather than spending it on DSS. And that DSS will clearly be much better off if you stop paying maintenance because your DH can buy him an ice-cream or take him to McD's occasionally.

@ILoveFlumps

I feel sorry for your DSS. It's pretty evident he's second to your baby and that's all you care about. I do wonder why women get with men who have children, only to prioritise their new child over the existing children.......

This exactly. The OP even admits it. If your husband agrees to this you're enabling him to be a bad father.

You couldn't afford to have your baby. Not with this man anyway.

Ah well it's done now.

Is there a way you dh can do pt, and increase time with dad?

If your husband agrees to this you're enabling him to be a bad father.

He suggested it and already knows he won't have to pay a bean.