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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

999 replies

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 20:04

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Radio4Rocks · 01/05/2021 07:39

You have to do what's best for your family. Offering to have SC 50/50 seems very fair.

It won't be forever.

Standrewsschool · 01/05/2021 07:42

The obvious option to me is dh becomes a sahd, but you continue to pay the £250. Then everyone wins.

If you feel unhappy at paying for his son, or can’t afford to, then dh needs to get a part-time job. £250 at £10 per hour is equivalent to a days work per week, or a couple of evening shifts at the pub.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/05/2021 07:43

So you had a baby knowing you couldn't afford to pay for childcare, now his ds will have to do without money, because let's face it, if you don't have to pay cm, you won't.

tiredanddangerous · 01/05/2021 07:44

So if he left you and had a baby with someone else, then announced he was going to be a sahd and not give you any maintenance money that would be ok with you?

Didn't think so.

Theunamedcat · 01/05/2021 07:47

Why doesn't he get an evening job?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/05/2021 07:48

Why on Earth would you want 50/50 when you clearly have so much contempt for his first child? And yes, it is contempt when you are only concerned for your baby and can’t think what’s best for everyone (ie couldn’t give a shit about providing for the existing child).

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/05/2021 07:55

@Britsmums11

I am torn, I think my baby would greatly benefit from a SAHD especially as I had a maternity not long ago. 50:50 - contact is an option Or my husband going part time and reducing CMS payments. I was more concerned if my wages are considered as then it would be a massive chunk. Im glad they are not. To be perfect honest I can't think about what's best for absolutely everyone. Like I said I've got total and complete tunnel vision and want to do what's right for My baby.

Seems like your partner has the same tunnel vision, and doesn't give a shit that he actually has TWO babies. What a lovely man, and your not much better to be honest.

Notcrackersyet · 01/05/2021 07:55

@tiredanddangerous

So if he left you and had a baby with someone else, then announced he was going to be a sahd and not give you any maintenance money that would be ok with you?

Didn't think so.

This is only half of it. If he left, as primary caregiver he would have a good case for primary custody and the OP would have to pay CM to him.

WaterBottle123 · 01/05/2021 07:59

Well to be honest OP you've already let your precious baby down by choosing a dead beat dad for them. What a shitty role model he is.

Good luck, you'll need it.

Scrumptiousbears · 01/05/2021 08:07

This is morally wrong OP. You need to think of you two split he could do this to you as well. Not acceptable.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2021 08:08

Is the best thing for your baby to grow up with a role model who chose not to work rather than support his 2 children?
Would you ask this of a woman who'd had a baby with a new man, had their older child 50/50 and didn't work?

Why not have him work 2 jobs ? Many self respecting men would do that before opting out of employment to become a SAHD for 1 child while providing no support at all for the other children that he fathered before this child. He's offering 50/50 custody so providing exactly the same support as his mother. I assume any woman who agrees to 50/50 is just an abhorrent parent shirking their responsibilities and not providing for their child?

I agree he could work around his wife but given that gives him 7-7 4 nights a week when he also needs to get in say 6 hours sleep so say 7-12 with commute, can't work the night he has his older one, can't work weekends because he has his son, I'm not sure how many options there actually are. He can't just walk into Tesco and demand to set his own hours.

cptartapp · 01/05/2021 08:30

His ex has already saved him many thousands in childcare doing the donkey work whilst he sees his child around 8 days a month. £250 would buy him about two days 24/7 'childcare'. So he's way short. That's without the practical costs of food, clothing etc.
Why didn't he go for 50/50 from the start?!

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2021 08:35

@SleepingStandingUp if the dad is a SAHP they can't afford what they were paying in maintenance so how will they afford to pay 50% of all clothes, activities and everything else a child costs?

If you read the OP's posts it's clear they're doing it to save money.

Original poster

Britsmums11 · 01/05/2021 08:36

I'm not sure why lots of people are assuming my husband will leave me ? That's not the point of the post.

I can tell you we have a strong marriage and whether that lasts is not something you can predict.

OP posts:

LIZS · 01/05/2021 08:43

@Britsmums11

I'm not sure why lots of people are assuming my husband will leave me ? That's not the point of the post.

I can tell you we have a strong marriage and whether that lasts is not something you can predict.

I bet his ex thought that too.

You sound pretty naive. How hands on a dad is he to your dd, how much to dss? What age is dss now ? Seems like he is looking for a way out of paying and working. Not all childcare is as expensive or needs to be full time. He needs to work out how he can still pay his way and for dss.

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2021 08:43

@Britsmums11

I'm not sure why lots of people are assuming my husband will leave me ? That's not the point of the post.

I can tell you we have a strong marriage and whether that lasts is not something you can predict.

Maybe you won't, but it would be daft not to considering what would happen if you did especially as he is considering stopping CMS for his first child. If he meets someone else and has child 3 do you genuinely think he'd pay for your child?

tenlittlecygnets · 01/05/2021 08:54

Even if he does suggest 50:50 care, his ex will still have all her living costs - mortgage, bills, car, food, etc etc - why should she have to pay for everything by herself? How unfair.

Your h's first child should come first.

And you should have costed everything, including childcare, before getting pg.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/05/2021 09:07

Even if he does suggest 50:50 care, his ex will still have all her living costs - mortgage, bills, car, food, etc etc - why should she have to pay for everything by herself? How unfair.

What? Don’t be daft.

Your h's first child should come first.

Not sure if you’re now being deliberately stupid? Both children now exist. There is no “first”.

GappyValley · 01/05/2021 09:10

Surely the logical thing is that you carry on laying the same amount?

That way, DSS and his mum aren’t impacted by your choices, your DC gets the stay at home parent you want, and you get to carry on working without any stress of nursery pick ups etc

Everyone is happy...

GappyValley · 01/05/2021 09:11

And if paying that £250 makes things difficult, your DH finds a part time job to earn the £250, and isn’t such a monumental prick as to put in a new CMS claim for his part time pay

ChrissyPlummer · 01/05/2021 09:15

Echoing other posters that surely you knew roughly how much childcare was before your baby was born? If you did 50/50 would DSS want that? Do you live close enough for any after school activities/clubs/friends?

I did put the point across on a thread about maintenance reducing after the birth of another child, that if parents were married then had another child, the amount spent on the first one would also go down but this seems really shitty and calculated. YOUR baby gets the best of everything, buy your DSS is pushed ‘from pillar to post’. You’re happy with that but won’t allow it for your baby.

ElderMillennial · 01/05/2021 09:19

No OP you don't have to pay the CMS.

Your OH needs to consider the impact on his other children if he gives up work.

As PPs say you could have the children 50:50 but then I think the financial burden still falls on you if you are the one working.

ElderMillennial · 01/05/2021 09:20

@GappyValley

Surely the logical thing is that you carry on laying the same amount?

That way, DSS and his mum aren’t impacted by your choices, your DC gets the stay at home parent you want, and you get to carry on working without any stress of nursery pick ups etc

Everyone is happy...

Except OP is paying out for the DSC and probably struggling despite being the one working!

So it's not exactly a case of everyone winning.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 01/05/2021 09:22

To put it in perspective, the average annual cost of raising a child aged 5-17 in the UK is just over £8,500. If your DH pays £250 a month, he pays £3,000 a year so significantly less than half. I'm baffled as to why you think having your step-son 50:50 and paying 50% of his expenses is going to save you money.

Youseethethingis · 01/05/2021 09:25

Even if he does suggest 50:50 care, his ex will still have all her living costs - mortgage, bills, car, food, etc etc - why should she have to pay for everything by herself? How unfair.
Why shouldn’t she? She’s an adult? Is she the only one who would be paying those costs for the child she only has 50% of the time?

Your h's first child should come first
This is disgusting.

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