Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP, what’s best for your kid is to see a dad owning up to his responsibilities. £250 is a pittance.
You don’t go 50/50 to get away from child maintenance.
Please think carefully about this.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast nah, my money is on DS the result of a casual fling/one night stand, mum has more children and doesn’t work even though DS is 10 or thereabouts.

Quite a lot of these SM bingo, solo and limited posters about over the past few months....

No wonder men refuse to be SAHDs. Not too long ago there was a thread saying that men willing to be a SAHD are vanishingly rare and a woman is incredibly lucky if she finds one but sadly our sexist society continues to assume mothers can stay home, but fathers should not.

If you can’t afford to be a SAHP you can’t afford it regardless of sex. I am a single parent so I can’t afford to be a SAHP as I have DC to care for. OPs partner also has DCs to pay for so needs to consider that before giving up working.

@Footloosefancyfree

This is why the UK should adopt the view America has can't paid they get put in jail. Just disgraceful surely when you plan a baby you consider the cost of childcare. If anyone should be a sahp it should be op.

Even in the US a nil income would result in a nil payment, so I'm not sure how it would matter?

This seems like a reverse of a previous thread, even down to the CMS amount.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Even after learning the DH wants to spend more time with his eldest son by moving from EOW and one night a week to 50/50 care arrangement. An arrangement that surely allows his ex to be better off because she’ll save more than £250/mo he currently pays in child care costs.

That's not at all what OP said, is it? Nowhere does he say he wants to spend more time. He just doesn't want to earn and spend the money

And you have not idea if the ex even pays any childcare The eldest could be 14 for all you know.

It feels irresponsible to suggest he gives up working and financially supporting his first child to stay at home and care for his 2nd child to alleviate childcare expenses which ought to have been foreseen as inevitable when planning another child. Morally this is just so wrong.
The notion moving to 50/50 in some way makes up for stopping child support is in very poor taste.

[quote excelledyourself]@PlanDeRaccordement

Even after learning the DH wants to spend more time with his eldest son by moving from EOW and one night a week to 50/50 care arrangement. An arrangement that surely allows his ex to be better off because she’ll save more than £250/mo he currently pays in child care costs.

That's not at all what OP said, is it? Nowhere does he say he wants to spend more time. He just doesn't want to earn and spend the money

And you have not idea if the ex even pays any childcare The eldest could be 14 for all you know. [/quote]
Nowhere does it say he just doesn’t want to earn and spend money either. The fact he has proposed to stay home with the DC is evidence that he wants to be SAHD. The fact that he suggested going to 50/50 with his ex is evidence that he wants to offset the loss of CMS to his ex by providing extra care and physical support. Support can come in many forms, and often throwing money around isn’t the support a child needs most.

He didn’t have to suggest 50/50 to OP, but he did. And that contradicts everyone saying he is abandoning his elder child and doesn’t care about them/doesn’t want to support them.

@excelledyourself

See first page of thread. The OP stated that as part of the SAHD proposal
“He has suggested 50:50 arrangements
It's EOW at the moment and one night in the week.”

That’s not a suggestion from an uncaring father who is trying to get out of supporting his child. If he’d suggested being a SAHD and CMS dropping to zero with no change to the arrangements....I’d agree with you and others. But he didn’t. He’s trying to do something that will benefit both his children. I think going from 1 in 7 nights to 50/50 is worth more as support than £250/mo CMS.

Wow everyone is being pretty shitty to OP and her DP. They are clearly not doing this to avoid payment and are saying that they want to continue paying CMS and that the change in circumstances would mean that they could have his other child more. People on here assume that all men who have a previous child are arseholes and trying to avoid paying for them and only want 50:50 so they don’t have to pay. Maybe examine your own preconceptions and bias

Your options sound like, SAHD and continue paying the £250, maybe even offer to have DSS a bit more now your DH has more time.
Or both work and suck up child care costs

Cutting maintenance and asking for 50:50 is a shitty move. This would completely crush me if my ex proposed this.

In a few more years it could be you on the receiving end of this. Will you understand the tunnel vision of another woman and new baby? Some people are so selfish. This is another child just like yours.

Lol you'll be spending that £250 a month on other things when and if you go 50/50 with dss. I can't stand when a new baby comes along with a new partner, and children born of a different relationship get shunned. You both need to grow up, and come up with a decent working plan, this will also involve discussions with your husbands ex. 50/50 may not work for the child, he may not want to do that. Let's be honest doesn't sound like he'll be treat as an equal in your home, with the baby around.

and children born of a different relationship get shunned increasing contact from 4/14 to 7/14 is hardly shunning the child, unless you've read a post where op suggests he sleeps in the shed and eats mice

@SleepingStandingUp

and children born of a different relationship get shunned increasing contact from 4/14 to 7/14 is hardly shunning the child, unless you've read a post where op suggests he sleeps in the shed and eats mice

Not thinking in the best interests of both children, and only one is most certainly shunning a child. Increasing contact, does not mean a better situation for the child.

But we don't know it means worse either. People are conveniently assuming that DS would hate more time with Dad, that Step Mom ignores him, that DS abhors the step-sibling.
It's easy to say op shouldn't have got with him, shouldn't have had a baby etc but she can't put it back in. Both children need caring for. Posters are quick to say "the elder child must be adequately fed and clothes and provided for" but it doesn't seem to matter if the baby is - "can't afford bread and nappies for the baby? Tough, let it suffer, shouldn't have had it should you"

Life doesn't work like that.

That's exactly why I said they need to grow up, and have a conversation where they come up with the best workable solution for all involved. This plan they've currently come up with, has clearly only only considered the op, her husband and their child, not dss. It's unreasonable to move ahead with this plan without considering wether 50/50 would work.

OP,
Is the best thing for your baby to grow up with a role model who chose not to work rather than support his 2 children?

Why not have him work 2 jobs ? Many self respecting men would do that before opting out of employment to become a SAHD for 1 child while providing no support at all for the other children that he fathered before this child.

As a self respecting woman, I would work 2 jobs if necessary to provide for my child before I would live with and rear a child with a man who would willingly not support his own children. I would think even less of him for being willing to father yet another child while struggling to provide for his existing children.

If he is unwilling to work as many jobs as it requires to support his children, he should consider having a vasectomy. He is a poster child for irresponsible reproduction.

I apologize for the rant. This is obviously not the answer to the question that you asked, but it is an issue about which I have very strong feelings. His older children are expected to bear the brunt of his self serving irresponsibility.

I would think the same thing of a woman who opted to be a SAHM while relying on others to support her children.

I can't add anything that hasn't been already said. Having children you suck up the cost. Because when is it optional to not provide for all your children.
Have you looked at how you can make both of you working work? Can your 'd'p work evenings or weekends so he can continue to provide for both his children. What childcare are you looking at. My childminder was much cheaper than a nursery. And offered consistency.

Many are on the other end of this. I have pretty much had no child support for 4 years now. It is sole destroying. Of course my children are provided for. I make it happen but I have zero quality of life and have waited 3 years to get new glasses as it wasn't a priority even though
I needed them. Every penny I have goes to providing for my children.

Don't you judge your partner for even considering this?

To be perfect honest I can't think about what's best for absolutely everyone. Like I said I've got total and complete tunnel vision and want to do what's right for My baby.
I guess it depends what you mean by this. Best for your baby is not having a dad who will abandon a child. 50/50 will mean slightly higher costs in food etc but it had better also mean going half on school uniform, clothes, parties, gifts for other kids parties etc etc. So if he’s a decent dad the savings won’t be as much as you think. And if he’s not you’re certainly not doing the best for your baby by encouraging him.

To me the 250 maintenance is a set cost and even if you legally can get away with not paying it's immoral and if he's capable of doing it to one of his kids why not yours?
I would insist he gets a job that makes 250 a month which is workable around your schedule it's a 2/ 3 days a month .

When DH became a sahd for a bit I did pay the child maintenance to his ex. It wasn’t ever an option not too! No DSS is not my son, he my children’s sibling and my DH’s child. He is a much loved member of our family. I do not feel parental bonds to him, I am incredibly fond of him. I have never wished he never existed.

Couldnt you just stick to paying his ex 250/month?

Support can come in many forms, and often throwing money around isn’t the support a child needs most

Yeah, really easy to say when it’s not you having to cover essential costs. How is non-working dad going to cover the cost of clothing, school uniforms, haircuts, school trips, activities etc? Or will 50/50 mean school pick up and evening meal?

(You wouldnt legally have to, but would be the right thing to do and sounds manageable for you as you wont have childcare costs any more?)