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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

999 replies

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 20:04

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

anon12345678901 · 30/04/2021 21:28

What a great partner you have. Let's hope he doesn't leave you and you find yourself in his ex's shoes. He sounds like a right prince. 👍🏼

Unsubscribed · 30/04/2021 21:28

OP you said 'My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option' But what do you think OP? DH is not looking good here.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/04/2021 21:31

Sorry if it seems I have assumed the worst about you, your posts are focused on your own situation (fair enough) and I don’t see where the consideration for your DSS comes into it.

And worse than that, the child's own bloody father isn't at all bothered about not supporting his kid.

ThatIsMyPotato · 30/04/2021 21:31

@Britsmums11

He has suggested 50:50 arrangements It's EOW at the moment and one night in the week. He pays £250 a month currently but I am not involved in arrangements. I think this is a private agreement.

CMS wouldn't touch your money but I'd personally either pay the £250 a month or go to 50/50 if that works for his child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2021 21:34

If it’s currently a private arrangement, how much does he owe via the CMS? What’s his proposal for how to do things if he quits his job?

ThatIsMyPotato · 30/04/2021 21:35

@UhtredRagnarson

Which other financial obligations will you stop paying if DH quits work? Electric? Mortgage? Council tax? Or using just the one that allows his living breathing child to eat that is fine to stop paying?

We don't know the ex's financial situation. She might be a multi millionaire in which case they will still be able to eat.

Original poster

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 21:35

I am torn, I think my baby would greatly benefit from a SAHD especially as I had a maternity not long ago.
50:50 - contact is an option
Or my husband going part time and reducing CMS payments. I was more concerned if my wages are considered as then it would be a massive chunk. Im glad they are not. To be perfect honest I can't think about what's best for absolutely everyone. Like I said I've got total and complete tunnel vision and want to do what's right for My baby.

OP posts:

Unsubscribed · 30/04/2021 21:36

It sounds like he's thinking he'll save £250

Lbnc2021 · 30/04/2021 21:37

Ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

ThatIsMyPotato · 30/04/2021 21:37

What does your DH think? Presumably he has both children's interests in mind. Would his son like to come more often do you think?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/04/2021 21:39

OP sounds like a great idea. Although you will need to ensure he claims child benefit so that his pension doesn’t suffer. Look for advice geared to SAHMs about ensuring financial security.

No wonder men refuse to be SAHDs. Not too long ago there was a thread saying that men willing to be a SAHD are vanishingly rare and a woman is incredibly lucky if she finds one but sadly our sexist society continues to assume mothers can stay home, but fathers should not. The attitudes on this thread regarding OPs DH show why that is so. Even after learning the DH wants to spend more time with his eldest son by moving from EOW and one night a week to 50/50 care arrangement. An arrangement that surely allows his ex to be better off because she’ll save more than £250/mo he currently pays in child care costs. Shocked by the nasty comments. Would you say the same about a woman choosing to be a SAHM? Sarcastically call her a “princess”? Tell her it’s morally wrong for her to not work because her ex needs money more than her spending 50% time with her elder child?

ILoveFlumps · 30/04/2021 21:39

I feel sorry for your DSS. It's pretty evident he's second to your baby and that's all you care about.
I do wonder why women get with men who have children, only to prioritise their new child over the existing children.......

Quartz2208 · 30/04/2021 21:40

50/50 is going to increase your financial responsibilites up as well though and not save you the money - indeed may well cost you more. It wont be the solution that you need

And you need to remove the tunnel vision because what is best for you as a family unit (including your DSS) will also be what is best for your baby.

So lets start with what are your childcare costs and how are they out of control and costing you an entire wage. Why is she past from pillar to post

Could your husband go part time - I would say for you as a family unit including him that maybe a better solution.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 30/04/2021 21:40

Legally you yourself don't have to pay anything.

But why would your DH even consider giving up work if it means he will be unable to meet his financial obligations to one of his two children? In his shoes, I would absolutely refuse to do this. It would not be acceptable to me for my son to go without and potentially grow up in financially difficult circumstances when I could work and support him.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 30/04/2021 21:42

Like I said I've got total and complete tunnel vision and want to do what's right for My baby.

That's your prerogative. But your DH should be thinking about what is best for both his children. Presumably he has a mind of his own and can make his own decisions. If I were him, I would just tell you no way.

ThatIsMyPotato · 30/04/2021 21:42

PlanDeRaccordement I agree. If OPs partner genuinely thinks his son will benefit from 50/50 I don't see why it shouldn't be an option.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 30/04/2021 21:42

I just couldn't be with someone who would even consider this, nasty.
I hope for your sake you don't end up in the same position as his ex!

UhtredRagnarson · 30/04/2021 21:45

We don't know the ex's financial situation. She might be a multi millionaire in which case they will still be able to eat.

Oh well that’s alright then, dad is absolved of all responsibility as long as mum can feed the child.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/04/2021 21:45

@ThatIsMyPotato

PlanDeRaccordement I agree. If OPs partner genuinely thinks his son will benefit from 50/50 I don't see why it shouldn't be an option.

Might not be in the best interests of the child and again, how's he going to pay for his share of everything for his child in the 50% of time he's with them.

OverTheRubicon · 30/04/2021 21:45

@Britsmums11

I am torn, I think my baby would greatly benefit from a SAHD especially as I had a maternity not long ago. 50:50 - contact is an option Or my husband going part time and reducing CMS payments. I was more concerned if my wages are considered as then it would be a massive chunk. Im glad they are not. To be perfect honest I can't think about what's best for absolutely everyone. Like I said I've got total and complete tunnel vision and want to do what's right for My baby.

At least you're honest about not really giving a toss.

£250 a month will already not go that far, especially if she's already having to sort all childcare outside of his EOW, needs to pay for a 2 bed place alone if she doesn't have a partner etc. Maybe more ok if DSS is older and she's living with someone else and has a better paying job, but still a bit crap.

If you're happy to cancel this, or for him to go part time and pay less, are you not worried about how seriously he takes his duties as a father? Or are you cut from the same cloth?

OppsUpsSide · 30/04/2021 21:48

I agree DSS should come more often or even go 50:50 that way no CMS payment needed.

You don’t just take a child for 50% of the time to save money! Geesh.

SatsumasOrClementines · 30/04/2021 21:48

To be perfect honest I can't think about what's best for absolutely everyone.

It’s not ’absolutely everyone’ you need to consider, it’s one more person: your step son, your baby’s brother, your DH’s first born child, who you already knew existed before you both chose to have a child.

And in fact, you don’t even need to be considering him. Your DH does. And then you need to consider what you want to do based on his action. If he chooses to dump one of his children and be a sahd for the other then I know what choices I’d be thinking...

UhtredRagnarson · 30/04/2021 21:48

It sounds like he couldn’t really afford to have a second child.

UhtredRagnarson · 30/04/2021 21:49

Didn’t you sit down and do the sums before deciding to have this baby and see that it wasn’t financially viable?

spongedog · 30/04/2021 21:51

@Britsmums11

He has suggested 50:50 arrangements It's EOW at the moment and one night in the week. He pays £250 a month currently but I am not involved in arrangements. I think this is a private agreement.

Yet another dad wanting to do 50:50 to avoid financial responsibility with connivance of 2nd wife. Just yuk.

I can't see where you mention SS age - but why would he want to spend more time in a household with a toddler. This is all about your family and not his best interests. Don't worry - in a few more years he probably won't want to see his dad. Poor child.

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