Page 39 | Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

Britsmums11 · 2021-04-30T19:04:51+00:00

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

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Dugee · 03/05/2021 19:01

Our situation is that DSD is DP's child with his ex. I think the difference is that I voluntarily entered into a relationship with him, knowing he had a child (DSD is a lovely, smart, sassy 11 year old, who is always welcome at ours - more welcome than her Dad sometimes 😁). OP didn't voluntarily enter into a relationship with a man with a child, that fact had been hidden from her, maybe OP wouldn't have entered in to a relationship with her DP if she had known he had a child - many women wouldn't.

That said, some of the SM bashing on here is extreme. I've been told that we should pay for a family holiday for DSD, her mum and her mum's other son (he isn't DP's child), even though DSD comes on 2 family holidays with us every year. I've also been told that we should buy DSD's mum a new car because she can't afford to buy her own new car. DSD's mum is financially illiterate and has an IVA - from racking up credit card debt buying holidays to Disneyland and designer clothes, so she isn't allowed credit or savings until her IVA ends - still can't see how DP and I are responsible for this.

I think if DP lost his job, I wouldn't pay the CMS for him. If DP was still with his ex and he lost his job then ex would have to deal with it - unfortunately it's just the way of the world that redundancy is a fact of life now. However, if we chose for DP to give up work because it was beneficial for us, I would pay some CMS but not all of it.

Dugee · 03/05/2021 19:11

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Did you know that maintenance is taken into account for IVA / DMP repayments? I think this is wrong. DP pays his ex maintenance for his child's living costs, that money shouldn't go into an IVA / DMP.

ALevelhelp · 03/05/2021 19:12

@Dugee

Our situation is that DSD is DP's child with his ex. I think the difference is that I voluntarily entered into a relationship with him, knowing he had a child (DSD is a lovely, smart, sassy 11 year old, who is always welcome at ours - more welcome than her Dad sometimes 😁). OP didn't voluntarily enter into a relationship with a man with a child, that fact had been hidden from her, maybe OP wouldn't have entered in to a relationship with her DP if she had known he had a child - many women wouldn't.

That said, some of the SM bashing on here is extreme. I've been told that we should pay for a family holiday for DSD, her mum and her mum's other son (he isn't DP's child), even though DSD comes on 2 family holidays with us every year. I've also been told that we should buy DSD's mum a new car because she can't afford to buy her own new car. DSD's mum is financially illiterate and has an IVA - from racking up credit card debt buying holidays to Disneyland and designer clothes, so she isn't allowed credit or savings until her IVA ends - still can't see how DP and I are responsible for this.

I think if DP lost his job, I wouldn't pay the CMS for him. If DP was still with his ex and he lost his job then ex would have to deal with it - unfortunately it's just the way of the world that redundancy is a fact of life now. However, if we chose for DP to give up work because it was beneficial for us, I would pay some CMS but not all of it.

That's the big difference @Dugee , if OP's DH had lost his job then it would be a different matter - I'd hope he would be on the hunt for a new one. However he's choosing this, he's making the choice to put himself in a position to not be able to support his child. I was a SAHM for many years because we could afford it. No one went without, everyone benefitted from having me at home. If it would have been a choice of me working, or having one of our children be left out etc then I know which one I'd choose, no doubt. It just wouldn't even cross my mind. I just find it staggering that NRP seem to be accepted for making these sort of choices, like their older children are irrelevant. Very sad

CandyLeBonBon · 03/05/2021 19:17

Blimey @Dugee that situation with the IVA seems crazy.

Dugee · 03/05/2021 19:19

@CandyLeBonBon

Blimey *@Dugee* that situation with the IVA seems crazy.

The fact that the maintenance is taken into account for IVA / DMP repayments? CMS should be disregarded as income for these repayments in my opinion.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/05/2021 19:20

Agreed.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 03/05/2021 20:18

Agree. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, the money is for the child not the RP.

ALevelhelp · 03/05/2021 20:28

[quote Dugee]@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Did you know that maintenance is taken into account for IVA / DMP repayments? I think this is wrong. DP pays his ex maintenance for his child's living costs, that money shouldn't go into an IVA / DMP. [/quote]
That's terrible!

midnightstar66 · 03/05/2021 21:48

Did you know that maintenance is taken into account for IVA / DMP repayments? I think this is wrong. DP pays his ex maintenance for his child's living costs, that money shouldn't go into an IVA / DMP.

This is terrible but could be avoided by paying cash. That depends on decent relations between parents of dc though

Dugee · 03/05/2021 22:04

@midnightstar66

Did you know that maintenance is taken into account for IVA / DMP repayments? I think this is wrong. DP pays his ex maintenance for his child's living costs, that money shouldn't go into an IVA / DMP.

This is terrible but could be avoided by paying cash. That depends on decent relations between parents of dc though

But then there is no record of DP having paid it. In theory, if DP pays his ex cash for 5 years, she could go to the CMS in 5 years time, claim he hasn't paid for 5 years and he'd end up with a huge bill (that he didn't actually owe).

Dugee · 03/05/2021 22:06

@midnightstar66

It isn't reasonable of you to expect us to take that risk.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 03/05/2021 22:37

"But then there is no record of DP having paid it. In theory, if DP pays his ex cash for 5 years, she could go to the CMS in 5 years time, claim he hasn't paid for 5 years and he'd end up with a huge bill (that he didn't actually owe)."

That isn't true at all, If she were to start a claim with the CMS they start it from the date they contact the NRP.
They would not backdate 5 years of money because it isn't when the claim started.

Dugee · 03/05/2021 23:15

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

You just can't win with you lot.

AlexaRain · 03/05/2021 23:19

Why haven't you bought a new car for your DPs ex? She deserves it and it isn't fair that you won't buy one for her.

The least you could do is stretch to a holiday for your DPs ex and a child that isn't yours or your DPs.

YABU.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/05/2021 23:25

@AlexaRain

Why haven't you bought a new car for your DPs ex? She deserves it and it isn't fair that you won't buy one for her.

The least you could do is stretch to a holiday for your DPs ex and a child that isn't yours or your DPs.

YABU.

What??!

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 03/05/2021 23:26

"You just can't win with you lot."

Eh? What is there to win? I was correcting you because you were saying that the ex could backdate when they can't.
It's not helpful to give people false information.

Dugee · 03/05/2021 23:32

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

"You just can't win with you lot."

Eh? What is there to win? I was correcting you because you were saying that the ex could backdate when they can't.
It's not helpful to give people false information.

I wasn't asking you for advice. It isn't helpful to offer advice (unsolicited attempt at meddling) where it isn't wanted or required.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 03/05/2021 23:34

"I wasn't asking you for advice. It isn't helpful to offer advice (unsolicited attempt at meddling) where it isn't wanted or required.

I wasn't giving you advice, I was correcting your false information it's not meddling.
You are making up the CMS will backdate when they won't.

Dugee · 03/05/2021 23:34

@CandyLeBonBon

They are things that I mentioned in my post, I've been told both by posters on here (on other threads). The phrase "mumsnet madness" comes from posters like them.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/05/2021 23:37

@Britsmums11

He has suggested 50:50 arrangements It's EOW at the moment and one night in the week. He pays £250 a month currently but I am not involved in arrangements. I think this is a private agreement.

It will be interesting for you to see if having a child only increases your outgoings by £250 a month I guess? The answer to that will help you decide if it's fair or not. Let alone reducing it.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/05/2021 23:46

@Dugee the whole site has been bonkers this weekend to be fair!!

GreenDahlia · 03/05/2021 23:58

ok my head hurts after catching up on all this ...

what did OP decide to do 🌸

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/05/2021 00:48

If a dad becomes a SAHD to benefit his second family its absolutely disgusting that maintenance may not get paid to any other children.

Its absolutely immoral and any second wife who enables or encourages this is a disgrace and a poor role model for her own child.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 00:54

@Willyoujustbequiet

If a dad becomes a SAHD to benefit his second family its absolutely disgusting that maintenance may not get paid to any other children.

Its absolutely immoral and any second wife who enables or encourages this is a disgrace and a poor role model for her own child.

but not illegal ? or is it ?

CandyLeBonBon · 04/05/2021 06:00

@GreenDahlia

ok my head hurts after catching up on all this ...

what did OP decide to do 🌸

It appears we've convinced her that dh giving up his job is the right thing to do because all us feckless money grabbing ex wives just want to spend the maintenance money on gin. And that's not allowed apparently! 😬