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Original poster

Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

999 replies

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 20:04

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP posts:
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SatsumasOrClementines · 30/04/2021 21:03

I'm just doing what's best for baby.
Is he doing what’s best for both his babies?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/04/2021 21:04

@Lbnc2021

So your own child has to have stability and not passed from pillar to post but not your husbands first child, he just has to go along with whatever works best for your family?
This.
ToTheLetterOfTheLaw · 30/04/2021 21:05

Sounds like you've found your Prince Hmm

Rtmhwales · 30/04/2021 21:05

He's suggested 50:50 so that seems fair to me really. What did DSS's mum say? Personally I'd jump at ex paying less or no maintenance to spend time with DS but alas he'd rather throw money at the situation.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2021 21:06

@Lbnc2021

So your own child has to have stability and not passed from pillar to post but not your husbands first child, he just has to go along with whatever works best for your family?
Why would he not have stability with a 50/50 custody arrangement?
sadpapercourtesan · 30/04/2021 21:06

Leaving aside the fact that it's faintly disgusting to consider 50/50 care in order to avoid making CMS payments....

if he does get 50/50 custody, he will be responsible for 50/50 expenses - uniform, shoes, haircuts, school trips, clubs, activities....everything. How is this prince among men proposing to pay for this?

VimFuego101 · 30/04/2021 21:07

So 50:50 not because it's best for his son, but to minimise CMS costs? Hmm

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/04/2021 21:09

Unbelievable how many women take up with men like this and procreate some more with them.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2021 21:09

@Milkshake7489

Legally he'll get away with financially abandoning his child. Morally he shouldn't even consider giving up work unless you are happy to pick up his shortfall.

I think the real question is why would you want to stay married to a man who would shirk paying for his own son?

It sounds like they can't afford for op to keep paying childcare as they are, or for op to quit and him keep paying £250 pm or for him to quit and op to keep paying it. So what's your solution? If they end up downsizing to cut costs he'd be an awful father for making the kids share. If they end up homeless and living with family he'd be an awful father for having no stable home. He's offering to do 50/50 residency, not laugh in their faces as he walks past every day with 5ge baby in the buggy
UhtredRagnarson · 30/04/2021 21:11

Urgh

lulujuju · 30/04/2021 21:13

Of course you want to do what's best for your child but your DSS has no say in what arrangements are made, doing 50/50 just to save money is just awful.

deliciouschilli · 30/04/2021 21:14

You cannot seriously even be considering this???
I doubt he would have any relationship with his first child after doing this. Maybe that is what you want? Awful.

Maybe83 · 30/04/2021 21:15

Is 50/50 what's best for his older child overall or just from a financial point of view for your family?

I wouldn't hesitate DH giving up work to be a stay at home dad if it worked out better for us financially but in doing so as the higher earner I would accept that my income is fully household income that then includes all the financial responsibilities that comes with my dh child. I would expect the same from DH if we decided I should give up work. If we couldn't maintain it at the previous level I would definitely pay something.

My approach is probably influenced by the fact DH and I have a child each and one together.

Embracelife · 30/04/2021 21:16

You will be paying for dss out of your income feeding him etc
So yes your income will pay dh ds and half dss

deliciouschilli · 30/04/2021 21:16

Why on earth are you with this man??

Lbnc2021 · 30/04/2021 21:16

@SleepingStandingUp because 50:50 isn’t always in the best interests of the child. It’s often used in cases like this, to avoid paying maintenance

Solasum · 30/04/2021 21:19

Will the lack of a contribution of £250 cause significant problems for DSS’s mum? If so, if he does give up his current job, at the very least I think he should find something in the evenings or weekends when you are not working so he can at least earn enough to pay towards his first child.

Do be aware that if he is the primary carer and your relationship goes wrong, you will end up paying him maintenance for your shared child and seeing them every other weekend.

Have you considered both dropping a day at work to both take a career hit and more time to spend with DC?

JaninaDuszejko · 30/04/2021 21:20

50:50 is the best option, assuming that it is not disruptive to his son for the school run etc. But that needs to be discussed with his ex. And is it really wise for your DH to not have a job and not have a pension. What if you two split up? And will he really take on the bulk of the housework or will it be left to you to do on top of your job? Do you earn enough to pay into a pension for him and support his DS? Why doesn't your DH ask to go PT? He could still take on additional days per week with his DS but would be in a position to increase his hours when your DD goes to school/you split up. If he gives up work he might never get back on the career ladder. I would never recommend a parent give up work unless they are independently wealthy.

Livpool · 30/04/2021 21:20

Wow - what a Prince among men

UhtredRagnarson · 30/04/2021 21:21

Which other financial obligations will you stop paying if DH quits work? Electric? Mortgage? Council tax? Or using just the one that allows his living breathing child to eat that is fine to stop paying?

getyourfreakon · 30/04/2021 21:22

You wouldn't have to pay for his child. But he wouldn't be paying either...

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2021 21:23

[quote Lbnc2021]@SleepingStandingUp because 50:50 isn’t always in the best interests of the child. It’s often used in cases like this, to avoid paying maintenance[/quote]
But it isn't being used to avoid paying maintenance because if he quits work he won't be paying it anyway. It's being suggested either because now ops DH is able to do it and before couldn't due to work, or because they recognise it's unfair to put the full financial burden for the child on his Mom and pay nothing and that is more reasonable that living "hand to mouth" which means at the first financial hit (washer blows etc) they'd have to pull the money anyway or just not feed the second kid.

Would posters really be happier if op said we can't afford for him to work but we're going to keep up the payments but now we're having to give up the house and move into a 2 bed and survive off the food bank? Do you think that 2oukd be better for the older child?

Wallywobbles · 30/04/2021 21:23

Anyone that stops working for an extended period (so a year or more) will find it hard to get back in to work. If at all possible he should continue to work part time. I'd say this to any parent.

MangosteenSoda · 30/04/2021 21:24

Either keep paying the same as your household is now or increase contact. However, it’s only fair to do that in consultation with the mum.

Increased contact/50:50 should be worked out fairly between both parties and with the child’s best interests in mind, not just according to what suits one parent’s new lifestyle. It will also cost you more in normal expenditure to have your DSS more and you shouldn’t cut back on any activities he’s currently doing that might fall in your time to save money for example.

Sorry if it seems I have assumed the worst about you, your posts are focused on your own situation (fair enough) and I don’t see where the consideration for your DSS comes into it.

RickiTarr · 30/04/2021 21:25

@Britsmums11

Okay thank you, I know I'd be heavily judged. I'm just doing what's best for baby. I agree DSS should come more often or even go 50:50 that way no CMS payment needed.
YOU agree? I think it’s DSS’s and his mum’s opinions that matter here.

Your boyfriend is a really shit dad to just unilaterally decide all of this.