I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

Most people become a stepmother because someone else's marriage has come adrift. They walk innocently into a ready made mine-field and find that all the mines develop legs and walk their way. The DH and the ex couldn't solve their issues when they were actually snuggled up together. Is it so surprising when those issues multiply under the much more stressful conditions of trying to fund two separate households? And yet... who gets the blame? The innocent incomer. The incomer who rapidly has to develop more maturity than everyone else in the game put together.

This is just pure brilliance. And so incredibly spot on. 👏🏻

"Too many people go into situations naively, with their eyes closed, believing ‘love will conquer all’. And it just doesn’t.*

I quite agree @23PissOffAvenueWF

All these feckless people blindly having children in relationships that don't last. Really they knew what that were getting into and should not have procreated with someone they wouldn't stay with. If they haven't then no poor children, who have no say in the matter would have step-parents.

@KylieKoKo

"Too many people go into situations naively, with their eyes closed, believing ‘love will conquer all’. And it just doesn’t.*

I quite agree @23PissOffAvenueWF

All these feckless people blindly having children in relationships that don't last. Really they knew what that were getting into and should not have procreated with someone they wouldn't stay with. If they haven't then no poor children, who have no say in the matter would have step-parents.

Not enough hand claps in the world

👏🏻👏🏻😂😂

@KylieKoKo

I'm going to hazard a little guess that this judgement isn't acceptable when we throw it right back..... 🤭😂

"In this situation OP it’s quite clear you just want your DH without his kids but it doesn’t work like that, you knew that from the start, no sympathy for you I’m afraid!"

This. You can't say I don't want the kids and I don't want to leave him. He's a father first and foremost. Don't dream that this situation will go away. Or worse, make your" own" babies to gain a competitive edge. Won't work, everyone, most importantly the children will suffer.

@28funinthesun19

"Not only did my ex’s ex wife want me to treat her child like my own, she wanted me to call her child my own too. She didn’t believe in “step”. She just wanted her to call her child “my child” in the same way I called my children my children. It was suffocating and weird."

She was being very wise. I love my sc as my own absolutely. Their mum supports this. Everyone is happier this way. Sc have the same rights and rules as DC. I can and will part-parent when they are with us. If everyone is singing the same tune, values are compatible and kids are young enough and not brainwashed by their dm (which I'm very lucky to be the case and you should be too!) , it is a valid and in my opinion the only tension free pathway.

@Pompompomtom

"In this situation OP it’s quite clear you just want your DH without his kids but it doesn’t work like that, you knew that from the start, no sympathy for you I’m afraid!"

This. You can't say I don't want the kids and I don't want to leave him. He's a father first and foremost. Don't dream that this situation will go away. Or worse, make your" own" babies to gain a competitive edge. Won't work, everyone, most importantly the children will suffer.

Wtf?

[quote Pompompomtom]@28funinthesun19

"Not only did my ex’s ex wife want me to treat her child like my own, she wanted me to call her child my own too. She didn’t believe in “step”. She just wanted her to call her child “my child” in the same way I called my children my children. It was suffocating and weird."

She was being very wise. I love my sc as my own absolutely. Their mum supports this. Everyone is happier this way. Sc have the same rights and rules as DC. I can and will part-parent when they are with us. If everyone is singing the same tune, values are compatible and kids are young enough and not brainwashed by their dm (which I'm very lucky to be the case and you should be too!) , it is a valid and in my opinion the only tension free pathway.[/quote]
Well there you have it, it’s as easy as that! Who knew?!

I'm a child of separated parents and ca categorically say that I'd have hated a step mum like you @Pompompomtom
I'd have found it incredibly over-bearing. If it works for you, great but please don't push this onto other families. I've been the child and I didn't need a third and forth "parent" sticking their oar in.

@KylieKoKo

I'm a child of separated parents and ca categorically say that I'd have hated a step mum like you *@Pompompomtom* I'd have found it incredibly over-bearing. If it works for you, great but please don't push this onto other families. I've been the child and I didn't need a third and forth "parent" sticking their oar in.

I did have a step mum like this. She thought she was basically my mum and overstepped the mark hugely. I hated it and rebelled against it. Im in my 30s now and I don't have a relationship with her.

@KylieKoKo nope it works for us. They love me too and I get lots of mothers day love.

To your earlier questions,

2)If your children had a step mother would you be happy to give her equal say in parenting decisions to you?

If their values were compatible with mine I'd be willing to compromise. Someone gave a TV example. In my house no, but I'd be ok with the DC having a TV in his dad's house. No biggie really. If they're being rude to the family pet, no I won't allow it. Yes I've been lucky, I like the ex, she's civil and actually a nice person.

2)How about attending all parent's evening's?

Funny you ask. Usually the ex goes, but I did go when she couldn't. Why is this an issue?

3. How about discipline?

Again. Compatibility. My sc are no angels. Like any child they'll push boundaries and drive me nuts. And I'll tell them. Same as my DC. And yes there are times I need space, and feel like a holiday when leave DC to grandparents. Again, same as sc... The point is I love them like a parent. So my shouting at them is as genuine as my hugs, and they can see that. Children are very perceptive. They're not confused at all by the way. If 3 people are caring for them they are lucky in my opinion.

Also someone sarcastically added about finance. Yes I would support them if necessary.

Sorry but these threads seem biased to venting sp, and no one ever seems happy or found some solutions to share with the ops . If someone merely suggests love or equality some people seem to just shut the discussion down. Find it very strange and not balanced at all. An echo chamber I'm afraid.

Yes I've been lucky, I like the ex, she's civil and actually a nice person.

That's more than 50% of the battle won then

If someone merely suggests love or equality some people seem to just shut the discussion down.

Of course they do because it's wildly unrealistic. What you are is lucky. Lucky that you share the same values, lucky that your husband's ex is not a horrible woman. Lucky that she doesn't think you're a horrible woman.

I genuinely WISH all I needed was love and equality because the last 8 years of my life would've been a hell of a lot less stressful.

She was being very wise. I love my sc as my own absolutely. Their mum supports this. Everyone is happier this way. Sc have the same rights and rules as DC. I can and will part-parent when they are with us. If everyone is singing the same tune, values are compatible and kids are young enough and not brainwashed by their dm (which I'm very lucky to be the case and you should be too!) , it is a valid and in my opinion the only tension free pathway.

Wise isn’t my first choice of word I would pick for her. Exhausting is more accurate.

I don’t think loving your stepchildren as your own is the only tension free pathway. In fact if it’s rammed down your throat that you should feel that way, it can actually be counter productive because resentment can build up. I think a relationship that feels natural and unforced makes for a happier stepparent-stepchild relationship.

@Pompompomtom I'm not a venting sp I'm a happy sp. Your set up would have been ubearable to me as child and would be unbearable to me now as an adult.

I'm more like a fun auntie and we're all happy with that.

I think it's very unusual that your SCS mother is happy with your level of involvement. Even if I wanted to act like you SCS mum and the sc wouldn't like it.

@Amanda87

Well, this was overwhelming! LOL

First off, I DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE TO PIECES someone else's child! Say whatever you want to say, I do not! I know a lot of parents that get annoyed by their own children, and my SK's mom is a clear example of that! She cannot wait to get rid of the kids whenever she has the opportunity. She doesn't respect contact arrangements and basically just texts DH saying: YOU HAVE TO DO THIS... YOU HAVE TO DO THAT... YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM BLA BLA BLA

For the ones defending that you have to be friends with your DH's ex: You gotta be living in another parallel world where fantasy is real! And believed me: I DID TRY TO BE FRIENDS with that woman. Why? Because I was very naive and new to all this crap!
I have done sooooo much for her children and never in a zillion years have I heard a : Thank you! I appreciate that.
NO! Instead, she would demand more and more and more.
Now, you really think I'm gonna waste my life raising another woman's kids while she's out with friends and partying all the time (That's what the kids they me). No, I won't.

I love my husband more than anything in this world, but I DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE EVERY F*%&^&( THING ABOUT HIM.
I love him enough to see the light in the end of tunnel. I have never mistreated a child, because that's for low lives!!!! I treat them the best I can in EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY'RE AT MY HOUSE.

So, I'm not a monster, here!!!

Lastly: This is worst channel somebody could come for support!
Not everyone has family or friends they can talk to openly without being judged. Obviously, the internet won't be different.
I just think people here should put themselves in other people's shoes.
At NO TIME I said I wanted the kids disappear and not be part of my husband's life. But, the same way some people don't get along with their In Laws and just cut off contact, a step parent can just disengage and live a happier life!

Thank you for the REAL SM's that posted here and gave a good reflection. And for those who said i shouldn't have my own child, just F OFF!

I REALLY just wanted to vent, not trying to change anything.
Clearly this place is hostile and I can't find any support in here.

Lesson learned!

Totally @Amanda87 - ignore the people who have no understanding - every single situation is different, only YOU know what's happening and how you feel. I find it really difficult at times. One thing I will say to you is that my feelings towards my SD and our situation did change when my own baby was born. It wasn't something I was expecting but there is nothing like the love you feel for your own child, it's just a fact.

People telling you not to have your own child are being utterly disrespectful and stupid.

Ffs not another one. Go back under your rock.

People telling you not to have your own child are being utterly disrespectful and stupid.

It’s so rude and annoying isn’t it?! People seem to think they have a free pass to comment on a stepmum’s reproductive choices and can say whatever the fuck they want.
It’s in the same vein as “You really shouldn’t have had a baby with him.”
What, her very much wanted baby who she loves?

When I was 21 weeks pregnant, I was told I was stupid for having another baby. I seriously don’t know what goes through people’s minds. This particular person once had a miscarriage and I thought she would have been the last person to make comments on someone’s much wanted baby. It disgusts me.

People need to THINK before they speak.

I guess because once you’re married you have more influence and it’s a lot easier to get rid of the step kids...

Maybe in your world @Splonking but luckily I don't know many parents who'd get rid of their kids from a previous relationship upon getting married ...

I don’t think loving your stepchildren as your own is the only tension free pathway. In fact if it’s rammed down your throat that you should feel that way, it can actually be counter productive because resentment can build up. I think a relationship that feels natural and unforced makes for a happier stepparent-stepchild relationship.

100% this

@Trustthegenegenie

It's absolutely normal for teens to stop regular routine contact - it's not a reflection on step parents at all.

In some cases it is, in others it's not.

Your assumption is a stretch, let's be honest.

No it's not a stretch. Your personal experience is not representative of every teen stepchild.

@thatotherposter

Apparently she’s “jealous of the years that ex and [I] had together.” Which is ridiculous as those years were awful, hence the divorce.

You'd be surprised, but many second wives and subsequent partners struggle with jealousy like this.

They struggle that you're the one he had his "firsts' with...first wedding...house purchase...kids etc

Where the SM.is childfree, there can be jealousy that you share children.

Where you have a good relationship with the Ex inlaws..can also create jealousy.

@Splonking Well yes I do as my child's Dad is dead