I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

@Splonking

I guess because once you’re married you have more influence and it’s a lot easier to get rid of the step kids...

She doesn’t want to get rid of them though. Children are bloody hard work. Christ I wish I could get rid of mine sometimes and have ‘adult time’! Never happens!

[quote SandyY2K]**@Trustthegenegenie

It's absolutely normal for teens to stop regular routine contact - it's not a reflection on step parents at all.

In some cases it is, in others it's not.

Your assumption is a stretch, let's be honest.

No it's not a stretch. Your personal experience is not representative of every teen stepchild.[/quote]
In most cases, let's be realistic.

My experience is incredibly normal.

@LucieStar

Or is that just your own hyperbole because it fits your narrative/ agenda?

This was accusatory, unnecessary and incorrect. There was no agenda in mind when I posted.

The only one who got confused in interpretation was you reading my post.

I'm going to hazard a little guess that this judgement isn't acceptable when we throw it right back..... 🤭😂
It is perfectly acceptable. People jump into relationships and having children with blind eyes focusing their attention and efforts on the good and purposely ignoring the bad with the hope that it will go away, will get better, that we'll be able to manipulate the situation to our advantage.

The issue is how we deal with it when realisation hits and the solution is almost inevitably compromise all all sides or walking away.

It is not, as too often expected a case of everyone adjust their ways to suit all the needs of just one person.

Loving and devoted relationships break up all the time for issues that are not related to love but still means the relationship is not salvable.

@dontdisturbmenow

I'm going to hazard a little guess that this judgement isn't acceptable when we throw it right back..... 🤭😂 It is perfectly acceptable. People jump into relationships and having children with blind eyes focusing their attention and efforts on the good and purposely ignoring the bad with the hope that it will go away, will get better, that we'll be able to manipulate the situation to our advantage.

The issue is how we deal with it when realisation hits and the solution is almost inevitably compromise all all sides or walking away.

It is not, as too often expected a case of everyone adjust their ways to suit all the needs of just one person.

Loving and devoted relationships break up all the time for issues that are not related to love but still means the relationship is not salvable.

It's never voiced though, is it?! As I've said repeatedly - you'd be hard pressed to find even one thread on the parenting or relationships board where someone is unhappy / venting, and the phrase "you knew what you were getting into/ well why have kids then" etc is used??

But on this board - you can make such ridiculous comments as "you should do you research before getting into a relationship with a man with kids" and that's all good, apparently.

Utter rubbish, as I said.

You feel how you feel about things. No one can make you feel otherwise, so it's a matter of how you cope with it. It may also be that you can't cope at the expense of your happiness and need to think about your options. Only you know how bad it is.

No matter what situation you're in...if it's causing you such annoyance on such a regular basis...you don't have to stay. If the 2 people who created the child can split up, knowing the impact it will cause..then why you can do the same.... especially when you don't have joint kids and could walk away and never look back.

Relationships are not an endurance test. There are no medals awarded for sticking it out no matter how unhappy you are. There's no shame in ending a relationship you're not happy.

I've spoken to a couple of SMs about this and they said, they didn't want to name the kids as the reason they weren't happy, as it would make them look bad...because kids are seen as innocent in all this.

They both said, they wished there was another reason they could use to end it, where people wouldn't blame them and say they knew what they were getting into. Another reason was fear of starting over and worrying they won't be able to find anyone else in time to have a baby. Don't let fear keep you in a situation you'd rather not be.

Sometimes society has an unsaid expectation of SPs...especially women. Do what's right for yourself and ignore anything else.
It's nobody else's business why you end a relationship and unhappiness is a good enough reason to leave...especially when the source of it isn't going away any time soon.

I'm not saying leave at the first sign of problems....but assuming the child hasn't done anything to make you feel this way...there isn't really a solution and it's more a matter of acceptance that you'll have them in your home (sleeping over) on a regular basis, for the next X amount of years and that's it really. I wouldn't like that for myself...it sounds awful.

Some people are more cut out to be SPs than others...same as some people are not cut out to be parents.... they can be useless...It doesn't make you a bad evil person...it's just not for you.

There are some SMs that do so much for their SC and care so much for them.. They seem so much more concerned about the welfare of the kids than the actual parents.

I read another thread where the SM can't stand her SD9. No reason why...she doesn't know herself...she likened her SDs presence to nails on a blackboard and is therapy to find out why.

The SD really likes SM and this makes her feel guilty about it. She has no kids with her DH... now the solution for me would be to leave...as she gets quite upset at the thought of SD coming....but she loves DH. Love isn't always enough and it doesn't conquer all.

There's also a massive difference to biological parents wanting a break from their kids, which is natural...to a SP just not wanting the kids around at all and just tolerating them for the sake of their partner.

@Finelinehere

"I love him enough to see the light in the end of tunnel."

The trouble OP is that there wont be a light at the end of the tunnel with an attitude like yours.

I guess the light or some glimmer of light will be when the child is older and doesn't come over to stay.

Although another set of problems could present themselves then.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, being a parent doesn't end when your child is 18 and they still need support...financial and emotional, which can be a further irritation for SPs.

There's also a massive difference to biological parents wanting a break from their kids, which is natural...to a SP just not wanting the kids around at all and just tolerating them for the sake of their partner.

You have already withstood the perils of step-parenting for a couple of years? Then the 'just tolerating' is far more likely to do with the failure of the actual parents to actually, you know, parent! You have come into an already failed dynamic and you will need vast reservoirs of solid common sense and adequate self-esteem to pilot your course.

The drain on the childless stepmother is intense. She frequently provides the home, the job, the domestic labour as well as the bottomless pit of parenting deficit. A separated dad is beyond desperate to create a home to allow access to his children. Sadly he frequently lacks the skills, not to mention the financial firepower to do this alone - so he simply outsources the job.

@SandyY2K - agree completely with both your posts

Furthermore, OP: "the same way some people don't get along with their In Laws and just cut off contact, a step parent can just disengage and live a happier life!"

No you cant. Children are not in laws, they are dependents. You are naive to think you can disengage when they are coming regularly to your house for the next X years (unless you divorce or somehow manipulate your husband into not accepting his own children)

@Finelinehere

Furthermore, OP: "the same way some people don't get along with their In Laws and just cut off contact, a step parent can just disengage and live a happier life!"

No you cant. Children are not in laws, they are dependents. You are naive to think you can disengage when they are coming regularly to your house for the next X years (unless you divorce or somehow manipulate your husband into not accepting his own children)

This isn't so, many SPs do disengage while their partner continues to have their relationship with their kids. It's perfectly possible.

why was my message deleted? I said:
*
"I love him enough to see the light in the end of tunnel."

The trouble OP is that there wont be a light at the end of the tunnel with an attitude like yours. It will be a darker and more convoluted tunnel if you have kids as well. Their mother sends them to you because she wants to party (not sure if always the case) and you dont want them either. I feel sorry for them. You never said once anything about the welfare of the children.
*
Maybe it struck a chord OP, did it?

@Finelinehere

why was my message deleted? I said: * "I love him enough to see the light in the end of tunnel."

The trouble OP is that there wont be a light at the end of the tunnel with an attitude like yours. It will be a darker and more convoluted tunnel if you have kids as well. Their mother sends them to you because she wants to party (not sure if always the case) and you dont want them either. I feel sorry for them. You never said once anything about the welfare of the children.
*
Maybe it struck a chord OP, did it?

Well that's a more pleasant version of what you said originally.

@SandyY2K

You feel how you feel about things. No one can make you feel otherwise, so it's a matter of how you cope with it. It may also be that you can't cope at the expense of your happiness and need to think about your options. Only you know how bad it is.

No matter what situation you're in...if it's causing you such annoyance on such a regular basis...you don't have to stay. If the 2 people who created the child can split up, knowing the impact it will cause..then why you can do the same.... especially when you don't have joint kids and could walk away and never look back.

Relationships are not an endurance test. There are no medals awarded for sticking it out no matter how unhappy you are. There's no shame in ending a relationship you're not happy.

I've spoken to a couple of SMs about this and they said, they didn't want to name the kids as the reason they weren't happy, as it would make them look bad...because kids are seen as innocent in all this.

They both said, they wished there was another reason they could use to end it, where people wouldn't blame them and say they knew what they were getting into. Another reason was fear of starting over and worrying they won't be able to find anyone else in time to have a baby. Don't let fear keep you in a situation you'd rather not be.

Sometimes society has an unsaid expectation of SPs...especially women. Do what's right for yourself and ignore anything else.
It's nobody else's business why you end a relationship and unhappiness is a good enough reason to leave...especially when the source of it isn't going away any time soon.

I'm not saying leave at the first sign of problems....but assuming the child hasn't done anything to make you feel this way...there isn't really a solution and it's more a matter of acceptance that you'll have them in your home (sleeping over) on a regular basis, for the next X amount of years and that's it really. I wouldn't like that for myself...it sounds awful.

Some people are more cut out to be SPs than others...same as some people are not cut out to be parents.... they can be useless...It doesn't make you a bad evil person...it's just not for you.

There are some SMs that do so much for their SC and care so much for them.. They seem so much more concerned about the welfare of the kids than the actual parents.

I read another thread where the SM can't stand her SD9. No reason why...she doesn't know herself...she likened her SDs presence to nails on a blackboard and is therapy to find out why.

The SD really likes SM and this makes her feel guilty about it. She has no kids with her DH... now the solution for me would be to leave...as she gets quite upset at the thought of SD coming....but she loves DH. Love isn't always enough and it doesn't conquer all.

There's also a massive difference to biological parents wanting a break from their kids, which is natural...to a SP just not wanting the kids around at all and just tolerating them for the sake of their partner.

I agree with this tbh. I don't always think leaving is a bad suggestion, but like you say Sandy, I don't think people want to admit to their partners and to anyone else that the children are the reason for their unhappiness because it's seen as wrong and cruel. And there is an expectation that women (because it is usually women/step mother's) will love children, dote on them, mother them etc...

I honestly think that quite often the high expectations of step mother's (because it is usually step mother's), are the reason for a lot of these feelings and resentments. There is such a pressure to love and to treat like your own that you end up with the opposite because you think there's something wrong with you if you don't.

In reality, I do think a lot of blended families would work so much better if step parents were allowed to disengage in the sense that they can leave the parent to parent, don't feel like they have to be around all the time or take on any sort of 'role'. To just be allowed to build a friendship rather than a parent/child relationship with the children with no pressure or heavy expectations.

You see it all the time on here, step parents doing loads, things like school runs, childcare, home schooling through lockdown. That could become suffocating when it's not your child (hell it can be suffocating when it is) but people think you should do it without complaint because you dared to date a parent.

I really disagree that you can't be disengaged as a step parent. It depends what you mean by it. Literally ignoring the child or being unkind obviously not. But disengaging from becoming a third parent, absolutely you should be able to do that. Disengaging from having a certain type of relationship pressured or forced onto you rather than forging one of your own that you feel comfortable with, you should be able to disengage from that.

I don't even think the children benefit from these types of expectations either. I've yet to see a thread where it hasn't been more about the parents insecurities that not everyone absolutely adores or wants to be a mother/father to their kids. Quite often you'd find the children would be happy with being parented by their parents and just having a friendly step 'parent' who isn't too involved.

@LucieStar the only sentence missing from the one i just posted was about the OP sounding angry and heartless. Unpleasant yes, but hardly unusual to say in a MN thread.

especially considering that OP's latest post contains F * words...

especially considering that OP's latest post contains F words...*

If your posts remain kind, well-meant and free from judgement they are unlikely to be deleted!

But I also think that people should be allowed to vent frustrations on here without always being expected to leave their marriage.

Sometimes it might be the best thing to do, other times you might just need to have a chat and get thoughts and feelings down in words on a page to feel better and move on.

There are loads of threads where people are ranting about all sorts of things, husband's being a main one. Not all of them will leave their marriage after every thread. Sometimes you just need to get it out and that's okay too.

It will be a darker and more convoluted tunnel if you have kids as well

What on Earth are you basing that on? My life is certainly not darker or more convoluted since my DD was born, with the audacity to exist at the same time as my step son.

The drain on the childless stepmother is intense. She frequently provides the home, the job, the domestic labour as well as the bottomless pit of parenting deficit.

I don't disagree with this. She has a choice though. Why take on all this for a substandard man. She's allowing herself to be a skivvy.

A separated dad is beyond desperate to create a home to allow access to his children. Sadly he frequently lacks the skills, not to mention the financial firepower to do this alone - so he simply outsources the job.

I 100% agree with this in many cases...but why do women take on doing what he should be on his own kids. 123 he's moved into her house and has his kids over...no way would I take on the liability on such a man.

I can see why the man wants this...it's good for him...but not so much for the woman.

There's nothing more annoying than a man who is incapable of being a hands on dad (probably why the last relationship broke down) and then finding a gullible woman to do his share of the parenting.

The fathers are not putting the needs of their children first and foremost, before entering a new relationship. Women are much better at putting their kids best interests before a man...and even then some clearly don't.

I don't see the attraction in such a man at all. This is a front row seat on how he would be with your future child...yet women still go ahead and procreate with such lazy men. If he was rejected by women because of this...then he has to be single fir life or step up.

There's a divorced mens group I read and apart from the glaring misogyny on it...the advice to men with kids is not to date for at least a year after spliting up. Reflect on why the marriage ended and find themselves before they find another woman.

That the focus should be their kids and to be the best dad who can do everything independently regarding parenting by himself without needing a woman to do it.

They're advised to put their kids first, support them and allow them the time to adjust to life between 2 homes and not rush into a relationship. As well as definitely not living with a woman who had kids, that will he will see more than his own kids see him.

Even then they're still encouraged to keep a GF separate to their DC. Some of the advice is good...some bad IMO.

If all single dads set the tone of what they want, then women could decide to take it or leave it.

If she does take it...and doesn't like the direction it's going...then cut loose and leave him to it. Women have every right to say what they want from the relationship too. Don't accept less than you deserve.

There's actually one guy there who says he tells women straight off... that he has kids..he will always put them first..that he will cancel dates at the last minute if his kids need him and that he isn't having any more kids...they'll never get married or live together.

I'm amazed that women actually agree tbh. He says they do...then after a while they cut loose and he moves on.

[quote Finelinehere]@LucieStar the only sentence missing from the one i just posted was about the OP sounding angry and heartless. Unpleasant yes, but hardly unusual to say in a MN thread.[/quote]
Not unusual, no, ridiculous and totally worthy of being deleted, yes.

@SpaceshiptoMars expecting to be free from judgement is kind of contrary to starting a thread and ask opinions of others i am afraid.

My post was very well meant by the way, for the OPs SC. OP probably was not very happy about her coming across angry, or heartless. I am not going to apologise as this is what i think - and many will do too, society judges... Never talking about the kids welfare but focussing only on her not standing to have her DH's children near her is the judgement i am making here and i am entitled to it, thanks very much.

I think most step parents don't particularly like to have their sdc in their home. It doesn't make you an awful person. They are not your dc so you don't actually have to like them being around.

@Finelinehere

why was my message deleted? I said: * "I love him enough to see the light in the end of tunnel."

The trouble OP is that there wont be a light at the end of the tunnel with an attitude like yours. It will be a darker and more convoluted tunnel if you have kids as well. Their mother sends them to you because she wants to party (not sure if always the case) and you dont want them either. I feel sorry for them. You never said once anything about the welfare of the children.
*
Maybe it struck a chord OP, did it?

I found having my own child helped me bond with my SC better. We have something in common and I feel less of an outsider in the family unit. Seeing my child look forward to SC time with us helped me reframe my view of them. Certainly not darker.