I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

[quote Tiredoftattler]@LucieStar
Most abusers are serial abusers. Women have the opportunity to observe their partner's interactions with his children or should certainly make the time to observe these interactions before moving in with him.

The point of the use car analogy is just to point out that we recognize the need for investigation before making a serious purchase, and yet what is more serious than possibly linking your with life with that of another?

Many women now do background searches on potential partners, and yet you think it unreasonable to research and investigate the parenting styles and your ability to interact with their children and to tolerate their ex?[/quote]
No, we don't think it unreasonable to do any of those things. We think it equally reasonable to not realise you would need to research those things in advance.

@Tiredoftattler

We're now just going round in circles.
You can't, in my view, research in advance how a relationship will pan out. You just can't.

Yes, if you willingly go into a relationship with someone you know for a fact to be a "serial abuser", to use your phrase, then of course it might not be such a surprise when he does that to you.

But you don't know anything whatsoever about how your partner will parent his kids when you all live together, because you haven't done it before. Unless he openly says "by the way I'm a shit dad and I'll leave all the care to you when my kids come over - that ok?", then you're basically entering into it (like any relationship) on good faith based on what you know so far about that person and their personality.

I'll disengage from you at this point because I feel all I've done is repeatedly make the same points that you don't seem to be hearing.

The point of the use car analogy is just to point out that we recognize the need for investigation before making a serious purchase, and yet what is more serious than possibly linking your with life with that of another?

Again - you are equating the purchase of a mechanical device, with a human relationship. Not even remotely the same.

@LucieStar
I too will respectfully disengage. This is not a debate , and we are just 2 people expressing different points of view and perhaps hijacking the OP's thread.

Have a great day!

Wow

Thank God my daughter will never have a Step Mum!!

Threads like this are why it’s so important for it to be ‘ok’ for someone to say ‘I don’t want to date someone with kids’!

I’ve seen multiple situations IRL and online where saying ‘I want to don’t date people with kids’ is jumped on and villainized and shamed like saying ‘I don’t date overweight people’ or ‘I don’t date short people’ it’s not the same thing!!

Kids aren’t a trait of their parent, they aren’t the same as ‘weight’ or ‘height’ they’re people in their own right and therefore a huge responsibility which you have the right to either take on or not and choosing not to does not make you judgemental or shallow!

Dating a parent when you don’t want to be a step parent is like starting a relationship with a dog owner when you’re allergic! Of course it’s not going to end well!

In this situation OP it’s quite clear you just want your DH without his kids but it doesn’t work like that, you knew that from the start, no sympathy for you I’m afraid!

I can sympathise with you OP. I am not a step mum. I am mum to a difficult 12 yo and a 9yo.
I am remarried and my husband puts up with a massive amount of s* in particular from my 12yo, this is mainly due to my ex alienating my 12yo.
I have no idea how step mums/dad's do this... I have absolutely massive admiration for you.

@dontdisturbmenow

Who has said they "dread them coming and wish they didn't exist at all"? Or is that just your own hyperbole because it fits your narrative/ agenda? What the heck are you on about? Why the need for such aggression?

I portrayed both scenarios to show how situations can be totally different depending on the SM' feelings.

If you read back, you'll see I was the first or one of the first to say that the situation as described by OP didn't have to be bad.

The way some posters react here, with level of aggressiveness that is not warranted, it's hard to wonder if the same applies in real life.

And you're always mouthing off about things you know nothing about. Wonder if the same applies in real life?

[quote Tiredoftattler]@LucieStar
Most abusers are serial abusers. Women have the opportunity to observe their partner's interactions with his children or should certainly make the time to observe these interactions before moving in with him.

The point of the use car analogy is just to point out that we recognize the need for investigation before making a serious purchase, and yet what is more serious than possibly linking your with life with that of another?

Many women now do background searches on potential partners, and yet you think it unreasonable to research and investigate the parenting styles and your ability to interact with their children and to tolerate their ex?[/quote]
How do you suggest we investigate? Have a trial period? Meet the kids and the ex and interrogate them?

I'd really like to know.

*Dating a parent when you don’t want to be a step parent is like starting a relationship with a dog owner when you’re allergic! Of course it’s not going to end well!
*

Yep. Cos that's exactly what we all did. We all thought "I can think of absolutely nothing worse than being a step parent - so I'm going to do to anyway!" Or... we just entered into relationships in good faith with no knowledge of how batshit the exW might be, or how the kids might respond to us.

@Windchangeface

Threads like this are why it’s so important for it to be ‘ok’ for someone to say ‘I don’t want to date someone with kids’!

I’ve seen multiple situations IRL and online where saying ‘I want to don’t date people with kids’ is jumped on and villainized and shamed like saying ‘I don’t date overweight people’ or ‘I don’t date short people’ it’s not the same thing!!

Kids aren’t a trait of their parent, they aren’t the same as ‘weight’ or ‘height’ they’re people in their own right and therefore a huge responsibility which you have the right to either take on or not and choosing not to does not make you judgemental or shallow!

Dating a parent when you don’t want to be a step parent is like starting a relationship with a dog owner when you’re allergic! Of course it’s not going to end well!

In this situation OP it’s quite clear you just want your DH without his kids but it doesn’t work like that, you knew that from the start, no sympathy for you I’m afraid!

The first part of your post made so much sense, and then the second part completely contradicted it and fell back onto the same old cliches.

Yes, it IS widely treated as insulting to say you don't want to date someone with kids, and yes that is contributing to the amount of people that get into that situation without being prepared for it. Can you honestly not see why, in a world where it is quietly taboo to say you don't want date people with kids or you are doing so and it's hell, people with no experience of the situation might not realise it was likely to cause all those issues?

Back to the topic at hand... perfectly natural , normal and okay to feel relieved , happy and elated step kids have gone back to their DM.

Same for the vast majority of parents relieved schools reopened and dropping and running when they drop the kids off at the grandparents. And they are the PARENTS!!!

Never feel guilty, anyone who says otherwise is some sort of weird human robot. What are you meant to do pretend ??

@MNWorldisCrazy

Wow

Thank God my daughter will never have a Step Mum!!

Wow Thank god you came along and made this helpful contribution!

@KylieKoKo I'm just as entitled to air my opinion as you or anyone else

Poor kids. Suck it up like parents do.

Well, this was overwhelming! LOL

First off, I DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE TO PIECES someone else's child! Say whatever you want to say, I do not! I know a lot of parents that get annoyed by their own children, and my SK's mom is a clear example of that! She cannot wait to get rid of the kids whenever she has the opportunity. She doesn't respect contact arrangements and basically just texts DH saying: YOU HAVE TO DO THIS... YOU HAVE TO DO THAT... YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM BLA BLA BLA

For the ones defending that you have to be friends with your DH's ex: You gotta be living in another parallel world where fantasy is real! And believed me: I DID TRY TO BE FRIENDS with that woman. Why? Because I was very naive and new to all this crap!
I have done sooooo much for her children and never in a zillion years have I heard a : Thank you! I appreciate that.
NO! Instead, she would demand more and more and more.
Now, you really think I'm gonna waste my life raising another woman's kids while she's out with friends and partying all the time (That's what the kids they me). No, I won't.

I love my husband more than anything in this world, but I DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE EVERY F*%&^&( THING ABOUT HIM.
I love him enough to see the light in the end of tunnel. I have never mistreated a child, because that's for low lives!!!! I treat them the best I can in EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY'RE AT MY HOUSE.

So, I'm not a monster, here!!!

Lastly: This is worst channel somebody could come for support!
Not everyone has family or friends they can talk to openly without being judged. Obviously, the internet won't be different.
I just think people here should put themselves in other people's shoes.
At NO TIME I said I wanted the kids disappear and not be part of my husband's life. But, the same way some people don't get along with their In Laws and just cut off contact, a step parent can just disengage and live a happier life!

Thank you for the REAL SM's that posted here and gave a good reflection. And for those who said i shouldn't have my own child, just F OFF!

I REALLY just wanted to vent, not trying to change anything.
Clearly this place is hostile and I can't find any support in here.

Lesson learned!

You are not a monster just honest. I am still with my DP but if I had split up - tbh I would feel sorry for the SM. Kids can be manipulative monsters.
However as time goes on and they get older you will probably find that engagement becomes pleasurable and a true friendship arises

I know a lot of parents that get annoyed by their own children, and my SK's mom is a clear example of that! She cannot wait to get rid of the kids whenever she has the opportunity. She doesn't respect contact arrangements and basically just texts DH saying: YOU HAVE TO DO THIS... YOU HAVE TO DO THAT... YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM BLA BLA BLA

I think our DH's have the same exW. 😂

I honestly still don't get the 'surely you saw him with his kids/met them before you married him' argument as if things never change, as if kids never change!

My sweet angelic wouldn't say boo to a goose DSS morphed into a right little so and so once the teen years hit! Funnily he didn't stay a little sweet 5 year old forever.

All it takes is for something like teenage attitude, a fall out with the ex that was oh so amicable before or anything else and things can go from being perfectly fine to being really hard.

Otherwise could you not say the same for any relationship?

Oh your marriage has turned out to be shit? Well surely you knew your husband before you married him, what are you complaining about?

@PrattATatt

Otherwise could you not say the same for any relationship?

Oh your marriage has turned out to be shit? Well surely you knew your husband before you married him, what are you complaining about?

Yes. I made this point earlier. To no avail.

@MNWorldisCrazy

Wow

Thank God my daughter will never have a Step Mum!!

You never know!

@Amanda87
Take this place with a huge pinch of salt. People love to come here and troll. Have a look for a thread on cards for Stepmothers from a couple of months ago - a brilliant piss take on the corkers people have come out with here.

Most people become a stepmother because someone else's marriage has come adrift. They walk innocently into a ready made mine-field and find that all the mines develop legs and walk their way. The DH and the ex couldn't solve their issues when they were actually snuggled up together. Is it so surprising when those issues multiply under the much more stressful conditions of trying to fund two separate households? And yet... who gets the blame? The innocent incomer. The incomer who rapidly has to develop more maturity than everyone else in the game put together.

Anyway, pull up a chair, lets play a more fun game. Fill your glass, pick a username, and take a swig for every time they use the word 'should' or 'shame'!

Which is why plenty of people just think ‘no thanks, not for me’.

It takes a very, very special sort of person to be a good step-parent.

I know I don’t have what it takes. Few do. I think it’s kinder in the long run, especially on children who have no say in the matter, to make an upfront decision that men with children are off the cards in the dating pool.

Too many people go into situations naively, with their eyes closed, believing ‘love will conquer all’. And it just doesn’t.