I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

She just wanted me to call her child “my child”

@funinthesun19 I wonder what she'd have thought if you'd insisted they call you mum!

Somehow I don’t think that would have been ok!

*None of us are seers or have a working crystal ball, but we all have the ability to research and anticipate that some existing circumstances will have an impact on the decisions that we make.

It may not be helpful to be reminded of the fact that you knew that marrying a man who had children would be different than marrying a man without children , but it does not alter the fact that you should have given significant thought to possible outcomes.*

But here's the thing - people don't generally think to put extensive research into something they simply don't know is going to be an issue. Yes, in hindsight, a load of research on forums like this might have helped me see these things coming, but the whole culture around step parenting is that you're not allowed to talk about how tough it is, or how much you don't enjoy it. If you look hard enough on the internet you will find that honesty, but the likelihood is if you have no experience of step families, you won't have heard people talk openly about the pitfalls, to give you the inclination that research is necessary. If you don't have any children of your own, you are even less likely to predict the possible outcomes.

Now, I always say this and you always say what you've said here in response, but the people who DO have some insight into the possible outcomes, are the parents. They know what their children are like, and how they have already taken to their parents separation. They know what their ex is like, and if there is already any fraught dynamic at play. And yet I never hear it said that a parent should warn their partners of what it is likely to be like for them, only that potential step parents should, with no prior experience or frame of reference, be expected to know to look for signs that these dynamics exist on a hypothetical level.

*None of us are seers or have a working crystal ball, but we all have the ability to research and anticipate that some existing circumstances will have an impact on the decisions that we make.

It may not be helpful to be reminded of the fact that you knew that marrying a man who had children would be different than marrying a man without children , but it does not alter the fact that you should have given significant thought to possible outcomes. *

How does one "research" a life decision that is defined by moment to moment emotional and relational dynamics, that one cannot possibly know in advance? It's almost eh equivalent of saying that doing your "research" in advance can prevent you from ever ending up in an abusive or even just an unhappy relationship. Relationships are not a practical or academic exercise - you don't learn the theory and then off you go. It's so much more emotionally and relationally nuanced than that.

You can therefore do as much research and give as much "significant thought to the outcomes" as you like. You still won't know how it's going to truly feel or pan out, until you're living it day to day.

I can't imagine there's many step-parents out there that aren't relieved when their step-kids go to their other home. Just like most parents breathe a sigh of relief when their DC go to nursery or the grandparents for a few hours! We all need a breather! As a step-mum and mum I know I do from all of them and I'm not afraid to admit it.

@LucieStar

*None of us are seers or have a working crystal ball, but we all have the ability to research and anticipate that some existing circumstances will have an impact on the decisions that we make.

It may not be helpful to be reminded of the fact that you knew that marrying a man who had children would be different than marrying a man without children , but it does not alter the fact that you should have given significant thought to possible outcomes. *

How does one "research" a life decision that is defined by moment to moment emotional and relational dynamics, that one cannot possibly know in advance? It's almost eh equivalent of saying that doing your "research" in advance can prevent you from ever ending up in an abusive or even just an unhappy relationship. Relationships are not a practical or academic exercise - you don't learn the theory and then off you go. It's so much more emotionally and relationally nuanced than that.

You can therefore do as much research and give as much "significant thought to the outcomes" as you like. You still won't know how it's going to truly feel or pan out, until you're living it day to day.

@Tiredoftattler

Bold fail on your quote, but this is for you.

And by moment to moment relational dynamics, I refer not only a stepmum's evolving relationship with the SCs as time goes on (how they respond to you; how receptive they are to a relationship with you, etc), but also those between DH and SCs (how he parents them, or not as the case may be; how this in turn affects your relationship with him); and also the influence of the SC's mum (what she says to SCs / DH about you; her overall influence on DH, and how that in turn affects your own relationship with DH)..... etc.

All of these dynamics are of such a level of complexity and that it is absolutely impossible to predict them in advance.

Yet they will all affect how you feel as a step mother.

@aSofaNearYou
The period of "serious dating with an expectation of marriage or a long -term committed relationship" is the time for serious discussions of this type.

I do not think that simply dating and seeking adult companionship necessitates the need to meet your children or the need to discuss your ex.

If and when the relationship becomes so serious that you are thinking of a long term commitment, those type of discussions should be front and center. The same thing goes for first marriages where values, finances/financial expectations, children, parenting style,etc should be discussed before getting married.

Some people have a very naive and cavalier attitude about marriage , children, finances , etc as though life were some kind of fairytale adventure.

Two people who enter into marriage without discussing the important issues are setting themselves up for failure. I agree that both parties should be completely forthcoming, but I think on the whole that women are often so eager to be in or have a relationship that they willingly minimize or "overlook" the potential problem issues because " he is the one or I love him so much."

I don't buy so much the " I didn't know " excuse when in fact with little inquiry and insight " I had the ability to know. "

Most women have observed their partners interact with his children, and they can see and should ask about these interactions. All women have the ability to ask questions, and all women should have enough self awareness to know what kinds of things tend to bother them. If you spend time trying to present your best self to your partner, he or she may never get to know your real self.

The answer to that is no, they didn't - anymore than a pregnant woman having her first child knows what she's getting into
That doesn't make sense. If things are done properly, you don't normally become a SM one morning. You get time to meet the children, spend time with them, get to know how much their mum will be involved. So even though you can't indeed totally know what it will be like when you move in together and become one household, you certainly get more if a chance to test the waters and escape than you do as anew mum.

And of course it's ok to relish the time without the SCs. But there's a difference between wanting a break as parents do to, especially after they've been there a while, and dreading them coming after not seeing them for some time and wishing they didn't exist at all.

Most women have observed their partners interact with his children, and they can see and should ask about these interactions

Those interactions you see in the early days are rarely the full picture, though. As I said, relational dynamics evolve over time and change according to a multitude of factors and influences.

@dontdisturbmenow

The answer to that is no, they didn't - anymore than a pregnant woman having her first child knows what she's getting into That doesn't make sense. If things are done properly, you don't normally become a SM one morning. You get time to meet the children, spend time with them, get to know how much their mum will be involved. So even though you can't indeed totally know what it will be like when you move in together and become one household, you certainly get more if a chance to test the waters and escape than you do as anew mum.

And of course it's ok to relish the time without the SCs. But there's a difference between wanting a break as parents do to, especially after they've been there a while, and dreading them coming after not seeing them for some time and wishing they didn't exist at all.

Read my reply to Tired of Tattler - same applies. You know literally nothing based on those few interactions and early meetings. Relationships don't work like that - they evolve over time and are in a constant state of flux depending on the influence of outside factors.

Whether that's a new mum's relationship with her baby/child; or an SM's new relationship with her SC.

@dontdisturbmenow

Who has said they "dread them coming and wish they didn't exist at all"? Or is that just your own hyperbole because it fits your narrative/ agenda?

@Lostmyway86

I can't imagine there's many step-parents out there that aren't relieved when their step-kids go to their other home. Just like most parents breathe a sigh of relief when their DC go to nursery or the grandparents for a few hours! We all need a breather! As a step-mum and mum I know I do from all of them and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Me too - I sometimes breathe a sign of relief when SCs go home, but equally there are times I breathe a sigh of relief when my DD goes to her dad's, too. I'm not ashamed to admit either of those things. What parent or step parent can honestly say they have never felt this way?

@LucieStar
All relationships are subject to change as they evolve. This is a natural phenomenon and nothing unique to a step parenting relationship. Little in life can be predicted with absolute certainty; again nothing unique to the step parenting relationship.

Sadly, many people spend more time objectively researching the purchase of a used car than they invest in investigating possible ramifications of the relationship issues that they are assuming.

Love may be blind, but willful ignorance and failure to investigate potential for problems and pitfalls in a relationship is inexcusable.

I may not have known everything, but there is much that with a little effort I could have known. Shame in him for not telling ,and shame on me for not asking.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@LucieStar
All relationships are subject to change as they evolve. This is a natural phenomenon and nothing unique to a step parenting relationship. Little in life can be predicted with absolute certainty; again nothing unique to the step parenting relationship.

Sadly, many people spend more time objectively researching the purchase of a used car than they invest in investigating possible ramifications of the relationship issues that they are assuming.

Love may be blind, but willful ignorance and failure to investigate potential for problems and pitfalls in a relationship is inexcusable.

I may not have known everything, but there is much that with a little effort I could have known. Shame in him for not telling ,and shame on me for not asking.[/quote]

Yes of course it applies to all relationships- that's my whole point.

New mums don't know "what they're getting into" any more than someone who ends up in an unhappy marriage (that was happy to begin with); and no more than a step parent knows, either! It's all the same principle- all relationships evolve and cannot be researched or predicted in advance.

Your car analogy is a little silly because that's not a relational dynamic - it's a piece of metal that you operate. Of course you research the mechanical ins and outs of that in advance - from a practical and financial perspective etc.

Nothing in this world you can say will, however, convince me that you can apply this logic to any human relationship.

Who has said they "dread them coming and wish they didn't exist at all"? Or is that just your own hyperbole because it fits your narrative/ agenda?
What the heck are you on about? Why the need for such aggression?

I portrayed both scenarios to show how situations can be totally different depending on the SM' feelings.

If you read back, you'll see I was the first or one of the first to say that the situation as described by OP didn't have to be bad.

The way some posters react here, with level of aggressiveness that is not warranted, it's hard to wonder if the same applies in real life.

Love may be blind, but willful ignorance and failure to investigate potential for problems and pitfalls in a relationship is inexcusable.

Would you say this to a woman who's partner turned out to be controlling and abusive years down the line? That it's "inexcusable" that she didn't investigate the potential pitfalls?

@dontdisturbmenow

Your definition of "aggressive" intrigues me.

My comment was inquiring, not aggressive. But we all read things through a different interpretative lens, don't we...

Ok so I should have predicted the situation I ended up in. My DSS is living with a borderline abusive stepfather where we are pretty sure there is ongoing domestic abuse. However we have not got enough evidence to remove the child. This manifests in anxiety behaviours in DSS. Now that means DSS is completly incapable of being alone or not entertained. His behaviour was allowed due to the potential difficulties in his mothers house. He now sees me and his father as pawns for his entertainment. Now as I said this in most likely entrenched in anxiety.
If this was my child they would be in counselling and i would be doing everything in my power to keep them away from such a dangerous influence. But hes not my son. I get no say. Instead I'm in a situation where i am struggling to handle an emotionally damaged 9 year old. Any talk about his poor behaviour makes me an evil step parent.
This was not clear when he was 3 and only emerged in the last 3 years. Should I have walked away form my partner who I love and his son who I love because his mother was in a violent relationship.

I get on well with DSS and always have and yes I had an idea of what being a step parent was but no one can predict the future.

@Aimee1987

Exactly! Apparently you should have done your research in advance to avoid this pitfall.

And for you, that sounds incredibly hard.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
The period of "serious dating with an expectation of marriage or a long -term committed relationship" is the time for serious discussions of this type.

I do not think that simply dating and seeking adult companionship necessitates the need to meet your children or the need to discuss your ex.

If and when the relationship becomes so serious that you are thinking of a long term commitment, those type of discussions should be front and center. The same thing goes for first marriages where values, finances/financial expectations, children, parenting style,etc should be discussed before getting married.

Some people have a very naive and cavalier attitude about marriage , children, finances , etc as though life were some kind of fairytale adventure.

Two people who enter into marriage without discussing the important issues are setting themselves up for failure. I agree that both parties should be completely forthcoming, but I think on the whole that women are often so eager to be in or have a relationship that they willingly minimize or "overlook" the potential problem issues because " he is the one or I love him so much."

I don't buy so much the " I didn't know " excuse when in fact with little inquiry and insight " I had the ability to know. "

Most women have observed their partners interact with his children, and they can see and should ask about these interactions. All women have the ability to ask questions, and all women should have enough self awareness to know what kinds of things tend to bother them. If you spend time trying to present your best self to your partner, he or she may never get to know your real self.[/quote]
That response didn't address anything I said about societal lack of openness about the realities of step parenting making it unlikely someone would know the sorts of things that might occur that might bother them.

I think you are coming at this from the point of view of someone that already had children and had separated from their father before having to consider being in a relationship with somebody with kids. You seem unwilling or unable to understand what it is like to enter that situation with no experience of those things. Nobody researches things unless they know they might need to.

Through my 19 year old self’s eyes, I didn’t see what lay ahead and didn’t really think deeply about what could lie ahead in terms of stepparenting. I was pretty much thrown in at the deep end/ thrown under a bus... same thing.

@aSofaNearYou

And even if they knew they might need to, of course, their research would be essentially useless as relationships don't work in such a mechanical, emotionally devoid way.

@LucieStar
Most abusers are serial abusers. Women have the opportunity to observe their partner's interactions with his children or should certainly make the time to observe these interactions before moving in with him.

The point of the use car analogy is just to point out that we recognize the need for investigation before making a serious purchase, and yet what is more serious than possibly linking your with life with that of another?

Many women now do background searches on potential partners, and yet you think it unreasonable to research and investigate the parenting styles and your ability to interact with their children and to tolerate their ex?