I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

@LucieStar

Anyone who is anticipating becoming a step parent would be well advised to do the research before making that decision.

Equally, anyone who is anticipating becoming a parent would be well advised to do the research before they bring children into the world who end up with separated parents and two homes going back and forth all the time.......

Oh hang on. You can't say that, can you. Because it's judgemental as fuck and really unhelpful.

Hear hear!

Many times the ex changes from seemingly normal to outright bunny boiler when the former dh meets someone.

I met my oh about 2 years after he was divorced.

I had all sorts levelled at me via my oh:
“I know she works for you.”
(I don’t. Never have done, never will do)
“She hacked my email!” “She’s in IT”
(I’m didn’t. Yahoo mail is shit all by itself, and no, I’m nowhere near anything IT related)

I had her harangue her own dd for sneaky photos of me and my child (bless the dsc, didn’t respond or carry out dm requests)

We’ve also had dm ruin every event, every holiday, every weekend, every single visit. No opportunity to ruin anything is missed.

And the split was all her doing. She drove it from start to finish.

Yeah that affects a household. That taints relationships over time.

Given the choice of spending time with people who add to your life, adding in people who bring disaster, misery and upset as baggage along with thin makes things hard and not a choice anyone would make without thinking up escape routes, plan b’s and damage limitation exercises.

I don’t get what’s in it for exes like this. It’s pointless and indirectly hurts her dc more than it hurts anyone else.

There are two camps here - actual step-parents and step-parent bashing trolls
It is so sad that anyone who doesn't agree with the majority, ie. that the SM in question couldn't possibly do anything wrong, should be labelled automatically as stroll.

Noone is immune from getting things wrong, from misinterpreting feelings or intentions, from lacking to take others perspective. Not the ex, not the father and not the SM.

Yet, the systematic defensiveness of SM here is stronger than anywhere else. There is no openess to listening to other perspectives, different experience. You either join the club ang agree that all problems are caused by the ex or you're a bashing troll. No in between.

@dontdisturbmenow

There are two camps here - actual step-parents and step-parent bashing trolls It is so sad that anyone who doesn't agree with the majority, ie. that the SM in question couldn't possibly do anything wrong, should be labelled automatically as stroll.

Noone is immune from getting things wrong, from misinterpreting feelings or intentions, from lacking to take others perspective. Not the ex, not the father and not the SM.

Yet, the systematic defensiveness of SM here is stronger than anywhere else. There is no openess to listening to other perspectives, different experience. You either join the club ang agree that all problems are caused by the ex or you're a bashing troll. No in between.

no its posters like you being labelled as trolls, not simply people who disagree. Its posters who come onto every SP thread, say the same shite they know nothing about, throw out the same shitty comments time after time.

You can disagree, if youre respectful, reasonable etc, but if you have just come here to say "well you sound awful" or "you know what you were letting yourself in for" or whatever else youre going to get called a troll, because you are one.

Its funny because YOU always deny any issues are the fault of the ex, wont listen to other perspectives or different experiences (of which i believe you have none of your own when it comes to being a step parent) - but yet you're complaining that nobody else will.

Shouldn't have got into a relationship with a man with kids. That should have been a boundary before you started dating someone. I wouldn't date a man who has children.

You've lost your way, clearly. Can I redirect you to the Relationships board or do you have your bearings now?

@dontdisturbmenow

There are two camps here - actual step-parents and step-parent bashing trolls It is so sad that anyone who doesn't agree with the majority, ie. that the SM in question couldn't possibly do anything wrong, should be labelled automatically as stroll.

Noone is immune from getting things wrong, from misinterpreting feelings or intentions, from lacking to take others perspective. Not the ex, not the father and not the SM.

Yet, the systematic defensiveness of SM here is stronger than anywhere else. There is no openess to listening to other perspectives, different experience. You either join the club ang agree that all problems are caused by the ex or you're a bashing troll. No in between.

Well I don't think all problems are always caused by the ex, so there is an in between, and many other shades of grey. But there are plenty of posters who respectfully disagree with the SP POV, examples of which on this thread, but the one's described as trolls are the ones who just come in with comments like "I'm so glad my child doesn't have a SP", "you sound awful/heartless", "you knew what you were getting into", "you will never be first place like you so clearly want, get used to it", "you shouldn't have had your precious children". Every. Damn. Time. Those comments are not constructive in the slightest, they are behaving like trolls so they are trolls.

@dontdisturbmenow completely agree with your observation.

""Yet, the systematic defensiveness of SM here is stronger than anywhere else. There is no openess to listening to other perspectives, different experience. You either join the club ang agree that all problems are caused by the ex or you're a bashing troll. No in between."

As i got interested, i read some older threads as well. The only regular I found giving more logical and balanced viewpoints was someone called @Tiredoftattler - i salute her for trying to give a calm and balanced view although she is being bashed daily.

The rest of regulars here are never, ever listening to what other posters have to say if it disagrees with some fundamental rules they made up. Anyone who is not a regular is apparently a troll or someone suspicious. Complete blind eye to SM success stories if they involve smt other than the rules. The "Happy Step Parents" thread has 37 messages only - most of them involve the rules from the echo chamber SMs who are clearly not happy. Their rules include: disengage, look after yourself first, it is not reasonable to love your SC as your own dont even try, anyway the SC's mum wont accept that etc....Honestly this is sooo unhelpful for a new SM and very unfair on the SC. You have created a board that is spreading more misery and only helping yourselves feel better - temporarily.

How wonderful it is to be told what is and isn't helping step parents by people who have never been step parents and have no experience of ever needing help with issues to do with step parenting.

The only regular I found giving more logical and balanced viewpoints was someone called @Tiredoftattler - i salute her for trying to give a calm and balanced view although she is being bashed daily.

Oh... the one who suggests that you should "research" a relationship in it's entirety in advance (in much the same way you would a car purchase) before you get into it, so you can magically foresee all the issues you might face.

Yep. Very logical and balanced advice, that is.

And also completely illogical and missing the point entirely.

I can't believe how horrible some people can be!
I get you OP. You fell in love with your DP, not his kids. You say you do all sorts with them and that's great.

You can't be expected to love them like they're your own. They're not. They've got a Mum and don't need another one.
It would be more unnatural if you preferred it when they were there to when it was just you and your DP.
If he's the love of your life then just remember, SC will grow up and stop coming to stay, but your DP will be there forever.
I would hate to have someone else's kids coming to stay every week so I take my hat off to you.

no its posters like you being labelled as trolls, not simply people who disagree. Its posters who come onto every SP thread, say the same shite they know nothing about, throw out the same shitty comments time after time
For one, I don't come on every post and for two, I get taken down as matter if principle even when I actually 'defend' the SM as I have in this thread! Yet it didn't stop Lucy to jump on me in an unpleasant manner throwing the standard ' stop throwing your own agenda', which made no sense here anyway.

You might not like what I say, some do. Your reference about my comments being shut says more about you than me. I bet you don't even bother to read my comments and pick just what you want to justify your views. I haven't said anything bad about OP unlike others.

How wonderful it is to be told what is and isn't helping step parents by people who have never been step parents and have no experience of ever needing help with issues to do with step parenting
See, this is what I don't understand. We do have experience, from another perspective and it is often by hearing various
perspectives that we can understand better aad maybe reflect on our behaviour.

II've fffound it helpful to come here to understand better some feelings my OH has tried to eexpress because it's important to see things from his side too to understand better the wider picture and therefore consider compromises.
S

*See, this is what I don't understand. We do have experience, from another perspective and it is often by hearing various
perspectives that we can understand better aad maybe reflect on our behaviour.

II've fffound it helpful to come here to understand better some feelings my OH has tried to eexpress because it's important to see things from his side too to understand better the wider picture and therefore consider compromises.*

I have found this place has made me reevaluate things for the better at times, too. I can tell you with absolute certainty that that has never come as a result of any of the more "troll" like comments spelled out by myself and other posters earlier. The "echo chamber" people think exists on here comes from years of it being the same old awful, judgemental, cliched, mental health shattering, biased nonsense directed at SP on here, and a fair amount of people having simply had enough of it. It is very ironic that the minute SPs get tired of putting up with it and start calling it out, they get called an echo chamber.

I know exactly what it's like to struggle with not enjoying time around a SC, whilst not being some monstrous person who sets out to make life worse for them. I know that telling people in that position that they are the latter for feeling the former is not going to help them, and will often in fact push them into a pretty low place. I know what that overwhelmingly judgemental response can do to a person. What DID help was realising that many step parents and in fact actual parents don't always enjoy time around children, and that that feeling is natural, can be lived with and doesn't always cause enormous issues.

To be told, by someone with no experience, that that calm, measured, honest and empathetic approach, combined with calling out the more harmful cliches, is going to harm potential step parents, whereas what WILL help them is to be told just how much the rest of the world will be judging them and how they are delusional not to hate themself, which was @Finelinehere's approach.... well, you've just got to laugh sometimes.

Equally, anyone who is anticipating becoming a parent would be well advised to do the research before they bring children into the world who end up with separated parents and two homes going back and forth all the time.......

I know you've said this in sarcasm, but I actually agree with it...but that's probably because of my background working with individuals and couples experiencing relationship difficulties

No matter how much research you do things can still go wrong...but doing no research is not proactive. Some relationships end due to abuse and infidelity...this can't always be predicted.

In most cases, even if a soon to be SM read these boards...they would still go ahead with it....because they believe their situation is different and it will all work out fine and they're blinded by love. They would have to read these boards, before they meet the man.....not once they're neck deep into the relationship.

More thought should be taken by both parents before bringing a child into the world and what is involved.

Same as with marriage...so there is pre-marriage counselling. In the pre-marriage training course I deliver, couples come across issues they didn't consider might be an issue and are cited as regular sources of conflict in marriage. One couple ultimately decided not to get married after it, but at least it saved divorce down the line....and a dog was the reason.

It amazes me the number of people who say they aren't ready for the commitment of marriage ...or it's too soon to get married .. we don't know each other well enough yet ..but they have no problem having a baby together...a lifelong (at
least 18 years) commitment and entanglement to each other.

I think people should get a better understanding of relationships and parenting.

Sometimes the writing is on the wall...threads with women TTC and it's clear the relationship has major problems. It's irresponsible to bring a child into such an unstable environment.

All that said...when the parents do realise it's not working out, they split up....and stepparents, especially those who aren't married and have no kids should not feel they must die on the hill and stay when they aren't happy for whatever reason.

Even if the relationship with your partner is good, his children (young ones) are a physical presence sometimes and part of being with him if you live together. It's hard to totally disengage and if their mere presence isn't something you want, it will cause an element of internal conflict and distress. It's natural to feel this way, if you're in a situation you'd rather not be.

If he's the love of your life then just remember, SC will grow up and stop coming to stay,

It's many years to put up with this though. Then considering the rate at which relationships breakdown, you could endure this and split up for an unrelated reason... that would feel like a total waste of time. There are no guarantees in life.

and a fair amount of people having simply had enough of it
And that's fine, but it doesn't justify the agression towards non SMs and systematically throwing away anything that doesn't agree that SM is a victim and it's everyone's fault.

There are huge generalisations made in both sides. So often a thread starts describing an issue with their SC, and almost inevitably and systematically, before you get before the end, you get that it's all the ex's fault that the child acts the way they do.

Yet the moment you point that maybe, just maybe, it might not the making of the ex, that it could be explained by other means, you get a defensive response accusing of being a troll because the only acceptable response is 'yeah, bloody ex, what a bitch and horrible human being, make sure you make her life miserable because she deserves it'.

I personally think that issues faced in blended families is rarely triggered by just one person but more usually the outcome of dynamics that get twisted in vicious circles when nobody wants to make the first move to get out of.

I agree @SandyY2K.

When your read MN, you pick up the link between posters who face the biggest challenges and those who committed very quickly to the relationship, moved in together after a few months or under 2 years and often had another child very shortly afterwards.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Shouldn't have got into a relationship with a man with kids. That should have been a boundary before you started dating someone. I wouldn't date a man who has children.

You've lost your way, clearly. Can I redirect you to the Relationships board or do you have your bearings now?

No I'm fine thanks. OP is bemoaning her step kids. Well you knew they came with the deal so you made a choice.

Better to stay away from potential partners if they already have kids unless you're sure you can deal with it all.

@dontdisturbmenow

and a fair amount of people having simply had enough of it And that's fine, but it doesn't justify the agression towards non SMs and systematically throwing away anything that doesn't agree that SM is a victim and it's everyone's fault.

There are huge generalisations made in both sides. So often a thread starts describing an issue with their SC, and almost inevitably and systematically, before you get before the end, you get that it's all the ex's fault that the child acts the way they do.

Yet the moment you point that maybe, just maybe, it might not the making of the ex, that it could be explained by other means, you get a defensive response accusing of being a troll because the only acceptable response is 'yeah, bloody ex, what a bitch and horrible human being, make sure you make her life miserable because she deserves it'.

I personally think that issues faced in blended families is rarely triggered by just one person but more usually the outcome of dynamics that get twisted in vicious circles when nobody wants to make the first move to get out of.

yes because again all you ever do is tell us how it cant possible be the ex's fault - and guess what! sometimes it is.

oh and NOBODY has said yes make the exs life hell ffs

@Finelinehere

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

God where to start with this.

Yes it's true that many will judge. That does not make them correct or it a good thing. Why you would want to bring that up, just to impress upon OP that whatever support she receives here is wrong, is beyond me. That is what I meant by you inferring SPs are delusional not to hate themselves. You keep reiterating that SPs are here to "try and make themselves better about themselves", but that anything they read that does so is somehow hollow and meaningless. You are actually citing a very large echo chamber of uneducated social opinion, as a reason step parents should take no comfort in what is said to them on here, whilst trying to make the argument that those voices of support are somehow an echo chamber, themselves. It is the height of irony.

I cannot stress this enough, but nobody on here is trying to convince happy step parents, who aren't struggling and love their step children, to stop doing so and disengage. That would be ridiculous, they are fortunate people and I wish them well. Where they are called "lucky", is when they choose to suggest that anybody that doesn't feel just as they do is wrong. Otherwise, they would be met with nothing but positivity. Why wouldn't they? The step parents on here are not "spreading" misery. They are responding to situations where the OP is already struggling or miserable, with empathy. You know what really does spread misery to people that are struggling? Being told they are awful people and for every bit of support that has helped them, there are many more people out there that would judge them horribly.

Better to stay away from potential partners if they already have kids unless you're sure you can deal with it all.

There are things as a stepmum that you shouldn’t have to deal with though. So there is no “all” about it.

Wow, so this thread doesn't value outsiders so much that the sm gang reports my post! There was no offensive words in this post. I see how this becomes an echo chamber, you proved it yourselves...

yes because again all you ever do is tell us how it cant possible be the ex's fault - and guess what! sometimes it is
I've never said that!

@funinthesun19

Better to stay away from potential partners if they already have kids unless you're sure you can deal with it all.

There are things as a stepmum that you shouldn’t have to deal with though. So there is no “all” about it.

There is "all"

You have children, you deal with it all. You want to be with someone but don't want their kids, well you can't have your cake and eat it.

Stay away from potential partners who already have children.

@Finelinehere

Wow, so this thread doesn't value outsiders so much that the sm gang reports my post! There was no offensive words in this post. I see how this becomes an echo chamber, you proved it yourselves...

This board is a support board. If you are here to goad and criticize, then you'd be more usefully employed helping boris to build his bridge instead.

You fell in love with your DP, not his kids. You say you do all sorts with them and that's great.

Unless you believe in some form of stupefying love at first sight context thr op will have known he had kids before she fell in love. So she had plenty of opportunity to walk away.