I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

Why take on all this for a substandard man.
I think in many cases, it is because he has demonstrated both fertility and willingness to be a parent. Or because the problems don't surface until the attachment is secured. Or because sheer desperation raises his game on the courting front!

[quote Finelinehere]@SpaceshiptoMars expecting to be free from judgement is kind of contrary to starting a thread and ask opinions of others i am afraid.

My post was very well meant by the way, for the OPs SC. OP probably was not very happy about her coming across angry, or heartless. I am not going to apologise as this is what i think - and many will do too, society judges... Never talking about the kids welfare but focussing only on her not standing to have her DH's children near her is the judgement i am making here and i am entitled to it, thanks very much.[/quote]
Yes, and everyone else is entitled to an enormous eye roll as soon as you brought the incredibly tired "heartless" cliche out.

This thread is not about OPs SC or their welfare. People are allowed to discuss their own issues when other issues exist.

She has a choice though. Why take on all this for a substandard man. She's allowing herself to be a skivvy

I can see how it happens to some people though. Not everyone has the type of personality where they feel able to easily stand up for themselves and I think that can leave them open to falling into traps like this.

Especially when you come on here and find yourself having to ask if it's okay to say you can't do the school run anymore or homeschool children anymore because you've just had a baby and you have people telling you that you should be able to do both and how unreasonable you are for stopping now (like I've seen here). Honestly I could list multiple threads from MN alone which show other women putting ultra high expectations on step mothers and trying to make them feel like awful people for not doing so or daring to have any sort of feeling about doing so.

Fortunately there are lots of sensible posters too but there are definitely posters here who expect all of that and more. It can make you second guess yourself, especially if you're that way inclined naturally.

[quote Finelinehere]@LucieStar the only sentence missing from the one i just posted was about the OP sounding angry and heartless. Unpleasant yes, but hardly unusual to say in a MN thread.[/quote]

And that she was trying to "oust" them.
But let's not repeat the deleted post - it will just be (rightly) deleted again.

@aSofaNearYou

It will be a darker and more convoluted tunnel if you have kids as well

What on Earth are you basing that on? My life is certainly not darker or more convoluted since my DD was born, with the audacity to exist at the same time as my step son.

No my baby is due very soon, too, and there's no darker convoluted tunnel ahead - quite the opposite! We can't bloody wait.

@LucieStar congratulations!

[quote PandaFluff]@LucieStar congratulations![/quote]

Thank you!

Another SP thread with the gang of SMs justifying the OPs thoughts because they feel it makes theirs justified too.

The truth is OP, this thread, although you are angry at it for the truth sayers, is not even representative of the real world. Some of those "real SMs" you praise here, are here everyday, with the purpose of creating an echo chamber. In the real world most people will be judging you, but not say it to your face. (that is, if you dare to say to other people that you dont want your DH's kids around, just because, no reason other than their existence bothers you, but want to continue being with your DH and love him and want to have children with him)

Sorry but this is the truth, for you for the other SMs here. Carry on the echo chamber, to feel better about yourselves. I am off to work now, bye.

If you have the dsc mum creating drama all the time, that IS going to tarnish the experience with the dsd.

Stupid drama llama exes are the first to demand their dc are the centre of the universe and mn insists all sm have to love the kids like their own

But our own don’t come with an appendage that tries to ruin and destroy every decent second in our lives.

@Amanda87 I hear ya. Plenty of mums feel this about their own kids at times, sounds like you’re doing well with them and of course you relish the break when you haven’t got other little people to factor in.

Is your h pulling his weight?

@Finelinehere

Another SP thread with the gang of SMs justifying the OPs thoughts because they feel it makes theirs justified too.

The truth is OP, this thread, although you are angry at it for the truth sayers, is not even representative of the real world. Some of those "real SMs" you praise here, are here everyday, with the purpose of creating an echo chamber. In the real world most people will be judging you, but not say it to your face. (that is, if you dare to say to other people that you dont want your DH's kids around, just because, no reason other than their existence bothers you, but want to continue being with your DH and love him and want to have children with him)

Sorry but this is the truth, for you for the other SMs here. Carry on the echo chamber, to feel better about yourselves. I am off to work now, bye.

Well done for noticing that we are here every day, without being here every day yourself. Well done for framing judging people for something that many parents have openly said they feel about your own kids, as a positive, admirable thing. Self awareness may not be your strong suit.

Have a great day 👋

@Finelinehere I'm not sure why it surprises you that there are StepMums on a StepParenting thread.

I'm surprised by the number of non-stepparents.

@PrattATatt

But I also think that people should be allowed to vent frustrations on here without always being expected to leave their marriage.

People throw out LTB a lot where the DH is the problem and continues to be the problem.

I also think a single event that causes frustration, is very different to this situation where the best resolution would be the child not coming over.

If someone complained about not liking their biological child and wishing they weren't there or always preferring it when they were out of the house, leaving the child isn't an option even if you end the relationship...unless you want to hand them over to social services or abandon them.

The difference with a SC is you don't have parental responsibility and you can walk away, unlike a biological parent.

It's not always clear whether someone is posting for advice, to vent or validation of their feelings.

Feelings are so individual, but human beings so often want to know they're not alone with those feelings...as it normalises them. They don't feel so bad about it.

A million other people in your situation may not feel like you....and that's okay. It's how you feel and how it affects you that's important.
They're not in your relationship and if this aspect of your relationship is a source of anxiety/stress/dread or similar...it's not a bad thing to walk away from it for your own mental health and well-being.

The alternative is to label it as a vent...say something like ^I don't like it when the SC come over, but it's not such a hardship that I'm going to end the relationship. The good outweighs the bad and I'll just put up with it for the next however many more years.

In the meanwhile you may have kids yourself, which often intensifies the negative feelings and you see yourself as a nice little family unit most of the time (minus stepchild) and you just wish SC didn't come over at all. The feelings of dread and heart sinking have been used by many on the situation.

There is a wealth of information available on the Internet and in book stores on the issues experienced in step parenting. Anyone who is anticipating becoming a step parent would be well advised to do the research before making that decision.

Today, many women do background checks on the men that they are dating or thinking about dating. They may be feeling all kinds of loving and caring emotions ,but their brain still works even in the throes of possible rapture and emotion.

As children, many little girls and teenagers will fantasize and openly discuss : the man that I am going to marry, the kind of wedding that I am going to have, the names that I am going to give my children, etc.

Never in these fantasies do they describe the man that they are going bro marry as a divorced dad of 2; nor when they speak of children do they ever say that they are going to be the step mom to Henry and Sally. They do not want this type of experience as a fantasy experience, and yet we think that it is unreasonable to say that they should have done prior research and investigation before accepting a reality that they could not even tolerate as a fantasy???

I have been a member/participant in 2 actual support groups. In both ,
the other members asked questions and voiced opinions that were varied and diverse. Opinions were always politely stated and confidentiality was a must. Support was not defined as agreement and having a different opinion was not viewed as an attack. In fact, the group was a safe place where all views could be safely stated and differences were just differences and not viewed as attacks or lack of support. The experience gave the realization that people will listen and hear me even if they don't all agree with me. Many times after a particularly emotive session, parties with divergent points of view would leave to have coffee together.

In a world where women are encouraged to do background checks it would make sense that they be encouraged to seek out information on all areas that had the potential to seriously impact the relationship.
Self reflection should also be encouraged. If I know that I am an introvert, or a person not inclined to enjoy having regular visitors, or a neat freak , perhaps having children that are a active, assertive, and not very neat might not be a good situation for you.

[quote PandaFluff]@Finelinehere I'm not sure why it surprises you that there are StepMums on a StepParenting thread.

I'm surprised by the number of non-stepparents.[/quote]

This!

Anyone who is anticipating becoming a step parent would be well advised to do the research before making that decision.

I think this advice would be better posted as a sticky in the Relationships board. It comes way too late for those who come this way and are already enmeshed. There are two camps here - actual step-parents and step-parent bashing trolls. And perhaps one or two relationship counsellors researching their subject.

@aSofaNearYou i read old threads, your nickname is all over the place. Hope you feel better about yourself and your SC someday. Good luck with your SM keyboard crusade. Good icon by the way, couldnt find it, waving to you very much too.

@PandaFluff i didnt say that i was surprised about SPs being here at all, not sure where you got that from. I was talking about an echo chamber.

Op I completely understand where you're coming from. It's hard stepping into a family as a step parent when there really is no book on what you're meant to do. Every family is different. As is every relationship. Every child.

For me, I ensure that the time DP & I get together is spent doing things we love so that when the kids are here, we enjoy that together too. There are times when I think "god I just want a weekend to do nothing & have a quiet house". There's also times with my step son says "mummy said we're not allowed to do this" or "mummy said I have to have this" my personal favourite is "mummy said you have to do this for me". It's frustrating because for me, it sounds like DP is not trusted as a parent without messages being sent via the kids. So instead of just enjoying the time with their dad, it's spent feeling tested or reminded. I don't think you're the only step parent who feels like this. For what it's worth, step parents are amazing. As are parents. I have a child of my own so it is made a little easier. Respect to you for being with a man who has children & accepting them all as one & loving them as such. Never in your post did it come across to me that you don't love them. Just that it's hard sometimes & you need a break. ❤️

@SpaceshiptoMars

Anyone who is anticipating becoming a step parent would be well advised to do the research before making that decision.

I think this advice would be better posted as a sticky in the Relationships board. It comes way too late for those who come this way and are already enmeshed. There are two camps here - actual step-parents and step-parent bashing trolls. And perhaps one or two relationship counsellors researching their subject.

👏🏻

Anyone who is anticipating becoming a step parent would be well advised to do the research before making that decision.

Equally, anyone who is anticipating becoming a parent would be well advised to do the research before they bring children into the world who end up with separated parents and two homes going back and forth all the time.......

Oh hang on. You can't say that, can you. Because it's judgemental as fuck and really unhelpful.

I don’t blame you at all. In fact I think you’re probably the norm. It’s a bit of a catch 22 isn’t it, I wouldn’t want to be with a man who didn’t prioritise his kids, because that would make him a knobhead; but equally I wouldn’t want to be with a man where I would always be a lower priority.

@SpaceshiptoMars
Interestingly enough, many of the OP's complaining about the stepchildren are partners not yet married to the dads. It is far from too late for them to extract themselves from what they are experiencing as unhappy or unhealthy situations. It is also possible for many of them to remain together while living apart.

I do not think that it is ever too late to learn or too late to rectify a mistake. I think that the only thing that can be lost with no hope of recovering is time.

[quote Finelinehere]@aSofaNearYou i read old threads, your nickname is all over the place. Hope you feel better about yourself and your SC someday. Good luck with your SM keyboard crusade. Good icon by the way, couldnt find it, waving to you very much too.

@PandaFluff i didnt say that i was surprised about SPs being here at all, not sure where you got that from. I was talking about an echo chamber.[/quote]
A majority of the posters on here I see on the vast majority of step parenting threads, those with both positive feedback and negative. That's not an effective stick to beat any one poster with.

And I feel fine about myself and my SC thanks. What I can't stand is the judgemental attitudes on places like this. You want to take the fact that lots of people would judge similarly in real life and use it to prove that those attitudes are correct and justified. Really not how mass societal judgment has historically gone down.

If there is a small group of people online that wants to address the god awful attitudes people with no experience of step parenting have about them, and you want to shout them down because it's not what you think society at large would say to them, then you should be asking yourself who is really the echo chamber.

Gosh, that’s a new one. A stepmum’s world becomes darker when she has her own children? What, compared to the stepchildren who obviously make their world a happy place?

Can we add that to the greeting cards pretty please?

My world has never been darker because of my own children. In fact they bring all the happiness and light in to my life even when it’s really really tough.
Now on the contrary, being a stepparent often made my life dark and miserable as fuck. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can we add that to the greeting cards pretty please?

Definitely. I think the specific wording was "dark and convoluted tunnel", or something.

Hi Op! I’m sorry you find it hard/stressful when you have your step children around- when I got together with my other half I knew what I was getting into; he has 5 children and I have 2 so we are a big family! I love having them around, I love spoiling them and I have a good relationship with their mum too. I know teens can be messy/loud/stroppy and that’s difficult, one of my partners daughters is quite a handful (ADHD, mental health problems, having trouble getting suspended from school amongst other things) and it can be hard, but we persist and I honestly really love them like my own. Don’t feel bad about liking your own space; I know I love the calm and relaxation when my children go to their dads! I don’t think you’re mean/a horrible person, but it does sound like you’re frustrated and maybe slightly resentful - I’m not sure what the answer is here; maybe you could talk to someone like a professional about Your feelings? If you’re going to stay with him, I guess it’s about working on acceptance of the situation as I assume it’s not going to change any time soon. Good luck