Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

[6079SmithW]

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

He is a 16 year old who has been massively failed by the adults around him. I literally can't say anything else at this point.

Don't do it.

My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.

Is just nonsense and your dp being dishonest with himself and you. His son was and is his responsibility and your description of him as simpering around your DS means he is not a suitable person to be helping bring up your kids. Sorry.

Unfortunately, this sounds like a package deal: either you get DP with ‘D’S, or you get neither. From what you’ve said, it sounds as though the problem will not go away when ‘D’S turns 18 ...

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be buying a house with him either. His son doesn't sound like he'll be self sufficient anytime soon, so you will potentially have a problematic young adult on your hands for years.

Agree. Don’t buy the house. It’s got disaster written all over it. I would rethink your relationship as well. His son will be an issue that you will constantly fight over. Walk away.

Put your own children first.
Don’t buy a house with him

Jesus Christ!

Do not put your dc in the middle of this shit show.

If you do, his ds won’t be the only child failed by the parent.

He sounds like a dreadful dad and that would stop me ever wanting to be with him. What kind of parent let’s their 14 yr old give up school and sit around for 2 years. Horrific. I’d report him to social services

He sounds like a total waste of space and how dare he try to blame all his DS's issues on his ex. It's his child too and he shares half the responsibility. He is showing you who he is when he makes statements like these. Buy a house with him and watch your children turn out the same way until he moves on to the next woman and tells her it was all your fault.

No. They come as a package, and not a very attractive one at that. Put your vulnerable children first and don't expose them to all this. You won't follow this opinion, I know. You'll selfishly put your feelings first and massively negatively affect their life chances. I just hope they have good support elsewhere, they are going to need it.

@nimbuscloud

Put your own children first. Don’t buy a house with him

Agree with this whether or not you love him, your DC come first.

@Tempusfudgeit

No. They come as a package, and not a very attractive one at that. Put your vulnerable children first and don't expose them to all this. You won't follow this opinion, I know. You'll selfishly put your feelings first and massively negatively affect their life chances. I just hope they have good support elsewhere, they are going to need it.

She's literally on here because she's thinking the same thing, why the need to make this assumption?

Your dc will flourish and eventually leave home.
His ds will do neither...
Bills will be split between 2 adults with 3 living there...
Stick to current living arrangements op... Maybe until all dc leave home. May be an incentive to kick his ds's arse into gear.
Don't hold your breath though.

Agreeing with everyone else here and saying DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN

If you want to stay with him, then stay together but live separately.

Your DC won't thank you for making them live in such a toxic environment that your partner and his son have.

If you buy a house with this man how will you keep his son away from your Dc?
This boy has been failed by both his parents and needs help but even so I wouldn’t especially want him near my dc

Agree with PP, keep living separately, don't bring your young children into this. Maybe reassess in a few years.

With adult children being less able to move out of the parental home you really have to consider the possibility of living with adult stepchildren long term.

Another one agreeing with protect yourself and your own children by keeping homes separate.

OP you have absolutely nothing at all in favour of you buying a house with this man. You should be doing all you can to get this disaster of a family away from your child.

Also what do you term as 'long term relationship'? Are you talking 2-3 years so you know eachother inside and out and know what you are letting your DC in to.

I agree with others - for now do not buy a house with him.

It must be so hard as you love your partner and want to be with him but yes, they come as a package and this young man will have to spend time at your house.
For me, the stress and the issues that come with him just wouldn’t be worth it. My main concern would be the well-being and safety of your own children being around him.

Sorry but there is no dilemma here. your children come first. always. do not move in with him.

Your dp has the spine of a jellyfish and has absolved himself of his parenting responsibilities. Wait till ALL the children are grown up before you move in with him.

Trust your instinct. Don't buy a house with him, see how you feel in a couple of years.

Hang on, is this the same poster from a few weeks ago whose partner was angling after her money to buy a larger house than he could afford by himself?

You are in an emotional tangle & to my mind, the only way through it is to put ypur children's welfare above everything else. They are quite young, primary school, I wouldn't want mine 'living' with this 16 yo either. And not because he is challenging but because he is agressive & you have concerns about allegations made etc & your DP has no control over him at all. I think you need to have an honest discussion with your DP & hurtful as it might be for him to hear, lay it all out for him. I wouldn't be moving in together in this scenario...