Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

[6079SmithW]

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

@AftereEightsBeforeEight
When friends, family, or colleagues come to you for advice or input, do you forget or discard everything that you know about them or their situation in providing your opinion or input?

OP has ASD been explored with your DP son? Might be worth looking into

Oh hell no, do not buy a house with him! You will seriously regret it if you do..

Stay in your separate places untill your children are both older and moved out and by that time hopefully your DSS has moved on too..

@EveryoneRevealsThemselves
Thank you for your response (and especially your hug). I will look into the freedom program.

@Coyoacan The second accusation was definitely unfounded (DS was not present at the place in the allegation). I don't know what happened with the accusation . Something must have happened I think because, I agree, I can't see why a girl would just make it up.

@postcardfromme I wondered about ASD. I think that might explain some of the behaviour.

@AfterEightsBeforeEight

Why can't some people just respond to a thread without checking up on the OPs previous threads, finding anything to produce a "columbo" moment

I didn’t go digging but it’s because someone did that we found out OP considers her relationship which has been in place since august to be long term. If she’s confused about that, and she’s come here asking for advice, it’s sensible to wonder what wise she’s overlooking or in denial about. Plenty, as it turns out. On the one hand she’s said she doesn’t want to buy with this very new boyfriend who has a criminal son, on the other she’s planned ahead enough to decide that when they do buy together she’ll expect her ex to have their kids whenever the son comes over. But then she’s not buying with him again. And she’s definitely not ending it with him. But, but...

The decisions you make, OP, should always be about what is best for your children.

Planning to ship them out every time there is a scheduled visit from your partner's DS is not in their best interest is it? Seems to be a solution that is needed following a bad decision to jointly buy a house with your partner, with the full knowledge of the potential bad news his son could be to your children. He is 16 and it you read MN there are not many children that suddenly get better and then live in their own accommodation at 18 yrs. Yes, he has been let down - but who by? His parents, really - not you. Not for you to fix at the expense of your DC wellbeing.

Just keep being in a relationship with this man, whilst not putting your children at risk - you don't HAVE to but a house with him, do you?

OP do you own your current house? Or rent? What has prompted you to decide to buy a house? Have you come into some money? What is his current living status?

I own my house. My DP rents.

I want to move before October to get into the catchment area of a school I would like to apply to. My DP said he had always wanted to buy. He has a good enough job to get a decent mortgage but no deposit. As we thought we'd end up living together at some point we started talking about buying together. We have looked on Rightmove but that's the extent of it.

Oops posted too soon!
I hope to have my house on the market by the end of the month.

So he can’t buy without you, or someone else. So you would have been providing the deposit for any house you bought together.

The problem has been that we started talking about living together before I knew the extent of DS's issues (I only knew he wasn't in school and he treated his dad like crap).

Buy without him, OP. Simple.

Stay wise OP...

You know you lose complete control is you even move in together...

You sound savvy enough to know this isn't the right move for you and your kids 🌺

Yes I have a lot of equity in my current house so i have around at least £100k to roll forward.

If you are looking to buy my advice would be buy alone, starting again if things go pear shaped is so hard even without SS. You are very early on in your relationship and you have one big problem to sort, which is far from fixed. If he's doing this at 16, imagine what he's going to be like as an adult. I would give it a few years until he's over 18, before committing to living together. By that time you have lived with the situation, you have created boundaries and you have ensured your children don't have to ever live with SS. Someone I know has a SD who has wrecked her life and everyone around her. Drugs was the cause, led to domestic violence, children taken away, she's been in hospital so many times, steals whenever she is over, blackmails every one in her family fir money. She is an absolute car wreck. My friend supports her but from a distance, not allowed at her home, but will always go to SDs flat, will fill her fridge but not her bank balance. The rules work to minimise the destructive impact of her on my friends children.

Even if it is your home he can still stay over most nights, but will have his own place for SS and him. Also it puts you in a far stronger position financially and gives you the security you need. It's a no brainier buy alone!

@ThePlantsitter

Don't do it.

My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.

Is just nonsense and your dp being dishonest with himself and you. His son was and is his responsibility and your description of him as simpering around your DS means he is not a suitable person to be helping bring up your kids. Sorry.

This

The decisions you make, OP, should always be about what is best for your children.

This! Why would you risk bringing a possible sex offender into your children's home? Why would you risk your financial position on this move? I'm glad you are questioning it, you would be failing your children if you went ahead with it.

It would be a good idea to consider what might happen in the future. If your DP's DS isn't engaged with the education system then he's unlikely to suddenly become a hard working, self supporting adult once he turns 18. If your DP owns part of the house and his DS tells him that he's going to move in with you all or be homeless then you know from past behaviour that your DP won't refuse him. And if you are co-owners then your has as much right to decide who lives in the house as you do. This is not just about a child, it's about a future adult who is likely to be unpleasant to live with for a variety of reasons and might be in your household indefinitely.

He has a good enough job to get a mortgage but not to be able to afford to buy things for his son?

Have you seen a payslip?

Would he inherit his Fathers share in the home.. if you guys bought together ???

[quote 6079SmithW]**@EveryoneRevealsThemselves* and @UhtredRagnarson*
I am curious about why you think I should end the relationship?

Also re DS's issues. I will continue to help DP where I can, but as I said before we have already agreed to not get involved with each other's children in a parenting role. [/quote]
Because your dp is a hopeless father

He doesn’t support you, wouldn’t parent your kids like you do (or even at all, given the mess he’s made with his own child)

His ds would have a ‘right’ to see his dad, at your home, with your kids etc

What if you were taken ill?

And now to this Decision to even consider buying with a bloke you’ve only been FWB for until August- when you have kids to consider. That’s what’s upset so many here

You literally haven’t the first clue of who this man really is.

Look at him, look at his past, look at the mess! So any front of normality could very well be smoke and mirrors.

So this relationship will never work, because he is a crap parent and has a son who is a danger to all those around him.

So walk away now, buy your house for you and the kids and look for better people to share your life with! Have some dignity, set some basic standards for who comes into your life.

You are worth a gazillion times more than you’re settling for.

@6079SmithW

The problem has been that we started talking about living together before I knew the extent of DS's issues (I only knew he wasn't in school and he treated his dad like crap).

Yep. Always a risk when you jump the gun with a man you’ve known, at best, for 8 months.

@PanamaPattie

Agree. Don’t buy the house. It’s got disaster written all over it. I would rethink your relationship as well. His son will be an issue that you will constantly fight over. Walk away.

This in fact run 🏃‍♀️

8 Months 😱