Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

[6079SmithW]

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

Put aside his son for one moment.

If he was a childless man and you asked the question should I buy a house with my boyfriend of 8 months when I have the equity of £100K. People would call you crazy on that alone. That is yours and your children's security and you are throwing it away for a FWB relationship that has evolved in the middle of pandemic/lock down.

How much of the 8 months of relationship can actually be down to the current situation?

On the point of your ex agreeing to have the kids when the sex offender is in your house.....Good luck in court when your ex rightly moves for more custody. I absolutely would. Are your kids girls or boys? Doesn't really matter but one is a much higher risk than the other.

@6079SmithW

The problem has been that we started talking about living together before I knew the extent of DS's issues (I only knew he wasn't in school and he treated his dad like crap).

How long had you been in a relationship at that point then? A month? Two? Three?

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Here's a prediction: At some point the lad will be thrown out of his house by his mum, at which point he'll ask your DP to move in with him and your DP will say yes. So you will have an angry, drug-taking, 18 year old living with you full time when your kids hit secondary age.

No love. You can stay 'with' DP without buying a house.

Absolutely this

The 16 year old SS will become an adult soon enough. He doesn't sound like he'd work at a job or attend further education. How long will your DP be prepared to support this boy financially and physically. Where will he live as an adult? 2 years of not attending school isn't going to fill prospective employers with confidence.
You've got a ball and chain with this SS certainly in the near future, and possibly into the far future.
His father sounds indulgent and ineffective in parenting his son.
The boys mother will possibly get fed up supporting a grown adult who contributes nothing and that boy could come running to live with you permanently.

It's not just that this is a short relationship. Nor just that it's a dysfunctional situation.

It's also that op entered into it after an abusive relationship and is treating this disaster zone as her happily ever after.

OP you should be very wary. You have a timetable in mind relating to school catchment. You don't need DP to enact this plan.

WRT relationships, take your time. Don't just explore the Freedom Programme. Actually do it. And not online. Once the schools open up again you should be able to attend a programme face to face.

Beware of your DP. He may be using his son to 'trauma bond' with you. He is presenting as powerless - a victim of being kind and gentle. It's ok to give people the benefit of the doubt. At a distance. Some people are genuine. Some people target you. You are just learning how to tell the difference.

Anyone in a short relationship and thinking of buying with their partner would be focusing on that relationship but all your attention seems to be focused on his son. This could be a distraction technique. His abdication of parenting responsibilities is weird and possibly a red flag. How would this play in the future? Your partner would be step dad to your DC. Or has he convinced you that you need to take all responsibility even if you are living together as a family?

I am surprised at you for even contemplating living with someone, who may hurt your children! Put your children first, keep them safe. When I was little I was sexually abused by a teenage sibling. When it happens, theres no going back to feeling safe and normal. Look after your children and keep them safe. Do not put them at risk then feign knowledge that ss is a sexual deviant.

I agree with @EveryoneRevealsThemselves response.

I agree that you shouldn't be buying a house with your partner. This sounds like a complicated and difficult situation and I think that that's not likely to change anytime soon and you need to act in the best interests of your children and yourself. I wouldn't necessarily say at this point that you should end the relationship, but more because I don't think I have sufficient knowledge to recommend that. I do think it's a likely outcome, especially if you've not long been out of an abusive relationship - I imagine your self-esteem isn't great and you want to be loved and have someone so perhaps your decision making isn't optimal right now and you're accepting less than you deserve. But in terms of your actual question, I would not recommend buying a place with your partner. I also wouldn't recommend living together or making any concrete plans about your future together at this stage. There's no rush and I do agree with people that having been together 8 months, you really don't know each other well enough to be certain enough to take those steps. (I had 'known' my partner for 10 years before we got together and now know how little I knew of the real him!). I really wish you good things x

Don't do it. Put your kids first, they don't deserve a stepfamily like that.

All living together will wreck your relationship with DP.

Are you living in separate households? Just carry on as before.

I had a feeling that you would be the one to own a house/have all the money whilst he doesn't have any money/is renting/doesn't have a deposit....

He just wants to get onto the property ladder and to not pay rent, you're his meal ticket. And then his DS will live with you full time, smoking weed in his bedroom all night, not contributing to bills, causing hell for you all.

Just look for property on your own, and don't even discuss it with him. Be very wary OP.

Don't do it. You will end up feeling like your home is not your own. It might be once a week at first maybe... but then if he just does as he pleases, he might decide to spend more time there, bring friends, turn up announced. His dad needs to provide somewhere his sin can call home.

If you wouldn't want him living with you full time, and thinking of your home as his home, do not move in together.

To keep the parenting of your respective dcs separate (a good idea) you cannot live in the same household with out immense unfairness on all the children concerned. And your own life would turn into a living hell.

You’re planning on buying a house with the chap you’ve been having sex with the past six months.

You will put in a deposit of £100,000

He will put in a deposit of £0

He has an almost adult son who’s he does not parent.

The son takes drugs, has had TWO sexual assault allegations made against him, and is not in and has not been in any type of formal education since he was fourteen.

And you are planning on handing over half the equity of your current home to this man and place your DC in direct potential danger.

The pair of them will move in and you will be frantic as you will lose the deposit you put into your new home because your boyfriend and his grown up son will take it over and you will be forced to move out to keep yourself and your children safe.

That any part of any of this seemed like a good idea to you at all, is really worrying. You’re really not thinking straight. You’d benefit in being on your own for a bit recalibrate your boundaries.

Put your DC first, why oh why would you be considering buying with a man you have only been seriously dating for months? Protect your assets, protect your DC, do not move in with this man, keep your relationship separate from your DC and see what comes in the future.

Am I the only person hoping against hope that both or either the OP and her BF (don’t think he deserves the word partner) have had a fertility snip.

If she has a baby with him she is tied to him and his son for life. And yes, of course people can turn themselves around from the mess they make with their lives at 16, but they need a lot of support to do so and frankly this dad doesn’t sound up to the job.

If you are meant to be with him OP, if it is written in the stars, then hanging on for a couple of years the way things are now , ie in a relationship but not living together, is nothing in the longer term. And could turn out to be the time you need to sort things out in your head.

OP do please take a step back and look at this, you have only been with this man since August and you are talking about buying a place with him into which you would sink your equity.

It’s far too early to do this even if it wasn’t for the stepson. Please put the idea on ice for 18 months. The relationship is too early for you to know if it’s going to last and it is not fair on your children. Or you.

In terms of you step son you will need an arrangement where your kids never encounter him but it is too early in the relationship to know if this is realistic, so you should not be committing now.

The fact that your ex has done such a poor job as a parent is concerning, as is the fact he doesn’t own his own home despite earning enough to do so.

Please don’t buy with him for 18 months OP.

The problem has been that we started talking about living together before I knew the extent of DS's issues

I really think you need to take the Freedom Programme. It is shocking that you have been thinking of buying a house with a virtual stranger, especially when you have children depending on you.

I'd press pause until his DS is living independently. Unless you want DC with DP then there is no rush to live together?

@6079SmithW

The problem has been that we started talking about living together before I knew the extent of DS's issues (I only knew he wasn't in school and he treated his dad like crap).

You're allowed to change your mind at any time for any reason.

@BlueThistles

Would he inherit his Fathers share in the home.. if you guys bought together ???

OP can tie up the finance's to make it so as her original equity and her share of the rest is protected either from the SS inheriting it, from her DP walking away with 50 percent if they split and to ensure her DC inherited her stake not her DP if she died.

I would give it a few years until he's over 18, before committing to living together.

OP if you do ever move in with DP I advise buying the house solely in your name, you pay for all bills, repairs and maintenance, and don't marry him. That way it's nothing to do with DP, then if the relationship breaks down you can ask him to leave and he leaves with nothing except his personal possessions.

Sorry BlueThistles I got distracted, I meant to say if the son inherited his dad's share when he died they'd have to sell. Be a nightmare though wouldn't it.

@6079SmithW

The problem has been that we started talking about living together before I knew the extent of DS's issues (I only knew he wasn't in school and he treated his dad like crap).

This is not a problem. You should be able to explain this to him and he should be fine with you wanting to wait. If you can't tell him you want to slow down the house moving then there are bigger issues here.

@AmberItsACertainty

Sorry BlueThistles I got distracted, I meant to say if the son inherited his dad's share when he died they'd have to sell. Be a nightmare though wouldn't it.

definitely... I hope OP does not pour her own kids future into this guys hands 🌺

You can't guarantee DPs DS will only stay 1 day a week. His mother could throw him out and he would be with you full time. It's not worth it. Stay together but live separately

I'd lance the boil. Split up. There's no way you can opt out of buying with your partner without it being or becoming obvious that you've (understandably) got concerns about residing with his son.
This will hold you back... Set yourself free. Buy if and when you are able to. By yourself. Do you want kids of your own? Maybe this isn't the right guy?
The lad is his priority, for good or bad.

@AmberItsACertainty I'd also suggest a rental agreement as the DP is already a renter. He should be allowed to have a beneficial interest in the house, but should understand this from the outset.