Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

[6079SmithW]

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

In October she loved this man but he was shutting her down in conversation when trying to discuss previous relationships. She was worried he was keeping secrets.

Good Lord.

Why would you invite this potential chaos into your children's lives?

At any point your partner could decide his DS is coming to live with him, even into adulthood.

If I was your children's other parent I would be watching very carefully, you actually risk him removing them from you if things go badly. You aren't in a position in life to take these risks, I can't imagine even considering balancing these odds with my children's well-being.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Here's a prediction: At some point the lad will be thrown out of his house by his mum, at which point he'll ask your DP to move in with him and your DP will say yes. So you will have an angry, drug-taking, 18 year old living with you full time when your kids hit secondary age.

No love. You can stay 'with' DP without buying a house.

This.

The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.

I can’t get my head around what sort of person hears all this and instead of saying “thanks but I’m going to move on from this relationship” says “when can I move my DCs in with you?”

Particularly when at least one of your DC is a 10yo girl.

To address the timeline issues - yes we have only been in a committed relationship since mid August. We had been seeing each other (a kind of FWB situation whilst I was looking for a relationship) for a year before that. Now that we're together I consider it a long term relationship, but I apologise if that was misleading - it was not meant to be.

And the rest of the issues?

I agree, it does sound as if your DS has lots of issues that are unresolved. Don’t buy a house with him, it’s only been serious for 6 months- leave it a few years!

Fuck sake. Big shock that this “long term relationship” is a shit show.

@6079SmithW you can mislead us all you want but be honest with yourself. You’re prioritising your wants over your children’s needs.

There’s absolutely no way you’re naive enough to think that you’re guaranteed he’d be in your house once a week, and that your own dc would never, ever be there at the same time.

So that’s a lip service. A faux attempt at looking like a responsible mother to your children while barrelling into doing what you want regardless.

Have all his secrets suddenly been revealed then? Because October wasn’t that long ago...

Is he pressurizing you to move in together?

I.e. Was this his idea?

Are you bonkers?

You've been together a few months as a committed couple and you are considering buying a house with this man!

The once a week is all well and good but what happens if the boy's mother kicks him out and he then moves in. His father may well have to step up in the next couple of years and actually parent this lad.

Why not just date for the next 2 years until the boy turns 18 then see how things are?

Your opening post was like a series of little bombs going off - failed by his parents (boom), no discipline, school or boundaries of any kind (boom boom boom), all of which would be bad enough. But cannabis at 16 and sexual assault allegations?

I wouldn’t even consider a relationship with someone who was minimising his role in all this, let alone move in with them. He should be completely focused on helping his son, not beginning new relationships and homes.

You and your little DC deserve so much better and they should definitely not be exposed to your DP’s son.

I agree with the others.
By moving together you risk loosing your kids. 16 year old starts showing up as he pleases (which is his right as a child of your partner) or moves in because he doesn't like living with is mum or she wants him out (your dp should be saying yes to this - as a parent its his responsibility to provide a safe home for his kid).

If this happens.
You then either risk having your children exposed to a potential sex offender and at the very least a person you don't want around them. Or they stay with their dad permanently.
Or your ex applies for full custody going through courts and social services arguing that you are putting them at risk (which is given everything you've described completely reasonable).

I wouldn’t t want his son around my children full stop.
Don’t go there.

And for everyone being harsh, please do remember it's a lot easier to see the situation clearly when you're completely outside of it.

If I'm guilty of ignoring some relationship red flags then that may be so, but I would never put my children at risk. The title of my thread is "don't want to buy" not want to buy". I suppose I had hoped that someone would suggest something ingenious, but deep down I knew that it wasn't going to be possible.

I've had enough fuck ups in my own life to understand that a person is not the same today as he was yesterday or will be tomorrow so I just tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. DP is a man who is kind and loving and gentle. I know he has failed his son by not being strong enough, but so does he.

Even if you stay together but live apart, is that a relationship you both want long-term?

I would break up with your DP. You have your own welfare and that of your children to think of.

@UhtredRagnarson
If you would please tell me which other issues, I'll happily answer

So you won’t be buying or moving in with him? Your children are safe and will continue to be kept safe?

[quote 6079SmithW]@UhtredRagnarson
If you would please tell me which other issues, I'll happily answer [/quote]
The many ones you listed in your OP.

@UhtredRagnarson

Yes. I have decided to buy a new house alone.

Please would you be more specific about the other issues?

No, I really don’t need to be more specific, you created a precise list in your OP.

Glad you are buying alone. Will your boyfriends son be allowed to be there?

Does your dds’ dad know about your dp’s son and his issues?

@OhCaptain

Actually I was quite prepared to ensure that my children were never alone with him.

Regardless of how I feel about my DP, do you not think that sexual assault allegations would scare the crap out of me? I wouldn't even particularly feel comfortable alone with DS.