Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

[6079SmithW]

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

This man's son will never be out of your lives. Never. He is not going to get a job and live independently. He's not going to be a functioning adult. He's going to get into more and more trouble and this is going to cause huge stress. I am as certain as I can be from what you've said, that at some point his mum won't be able to handle it and he'll end up living with his dad.

You are not going to be able to keep your DCs away from his influence or the chaos he will bring to your lives. So it's likely that their other parent is (rightly) going to question your parenting and their safety, which will also bring you and them, a whole lot of trouble.

It's hard to work out why you ever thought that this was a good idea. I really hope that you have binned it now, and keep to that.

You would be mad to go ahead.

Firstly, the 'I wasn't allowed to discipline him' thing is clearly horseshit. He's out of the relationship now, do you see him acting like a proper parent and making the vaguest attempt to even get his son to have some normal respect? No. So you KNOW he is a poor father and living with him, in a house he owns too, is going to take away some of your own autonomy with how your home is run and that's going to affect your children and it doesn't sound as if those effects are going to be positive.

Secondly. His son has been let down by both parents, it seems. If it were your son, this would be your responsibility. But it's not - YOUR children are. There is no way on earth I would voluntarily make my childrens' home also that of a much older unrelated child with these issues (no curfew, no routine, rude, entitled, smokes dope, possibly sexually predatory). Over My Dead Body.

It's not ideal that you can't live together. But honestly, if you do this, you may get to live with him but it certainly won't be a good epxerience and could finish off your relationship. These differences are way too big to be overcome and no way would I be risking my financial security in this way.

How are you feeling, @6079SmithW? You've had to absorb a lot of information.

The PPs are right though - as is your gut feeling. In your situation I would absolutely not be buying property with this man, nor allow him to move in with you in any capacity because his son would make your life unbearable. Your DP seems incapable of saying No to to his son - how long do you think it would take before he's spending time at your home?

Be brave, OP. Let this one, and the associated problems, pass you by. 🌹

OP you are survivor. You escaped an abusive relationship. The absence of an abusive parent and the abusive emotional relationship between parents will have immediately made things better for your DC.

But it's OK and normal for you to feel deflated and lonely. But you have to sit with it. Give yourself to small doses of introspection. Ask yourself how you ended up where you were so you don't repeat harmful patterns.

If you don't you find yourself repeating patterns. Committed to a relationship that repeats patterns but in a different way. Ignoring or explaining away red flags that others can clearly see.

There is a meditation exercise about a hole in road. At first you can't see it until you are in it. Then you can see it coming but still end up in the hole. Eventually you see the hole ahead but swerve it.

Consider that your DP may be testing your boundaries because you have already made it clear that short relationship, no deposit, not being an active step-dad are OK. History as an inadequate father - not his fault - he was too kind and gentle. Problem SS - you can work around that. What would be a deal breaker or even an indication to put the brakes on?

If you wilfully ignore red flags and what your DP is telling you loud and clear you are taking a huge risk to your own well being but are also not acting in the best interests of your DC.

If your ex was the resident parent and was acting in this way, how would you feel?

In a so short a relationship is he not just a bf?
Stay Well Clear op...

OP if you do stay in this relationship but buy your own house you need to make it clear you expect your boyfriend to keep his own place, with no exception. I suspect that even if he seems to be ok with you buying alone, shortly after you move in he'll be 'evicted' by his landlord and need somewhere to stay... and then he'll just never leave.

I wouldn't move in together because your plan is not bomb proof. The bomb your stepson being turfed out of where he lives now for getting too much and you getting him full time.

It could and does happen. Your bloke sounds weak and you could find yourself in a situation you hadnt thought of.

@MzHz and @hullabaloo19 thank you for your kind words

@Newestname001 I'm better today than yesterday- thank you. I've had a bit of a cry (about how I had let my feelings cloud my thinking and how stupid I was being primarily) and a good think.

Firstly I would never have put my DCs at risk. All of my posts were just thoughts - no plans had been made - I needed a sounding board, and without wanting to share all the details with friends or family.

Secondly I am definitely buying the next house by myself. I think being honest I am nervous about that, so it maybe why I was so happy to jump straight in with DP. I have a disability and have been unwell a lot of my adult life. I was scared that if something happens that I would lose the house. I've decided to not borrow more than £100k so it should keep my mortgage manageable though, and with that and insurance I don't think I have to worry.

Re DP I'm not going to end the relationship, but I will keep à healthy distance. I have known him in total for about 18 months so I know a bit about him but I know it's perhaps not enough. He has been a bad father, and he is being weak (ironically because of how much he loves his son, and that he feels that that he can somehow love him better) but I believe there are reasons for both. He has had his own self esteem issues and I'm not going to hold that against him. For all those PP vilifying him for being a bad parent, I can't help but wonder if he was a woman in the same situation there would have been more understanding and forgiveness?

DP for me he is a good companion and a kind and loving friend. I'm going to not rush ahead of myself anymore than that.

@AfterEightsBeforeEight
Thank you for your posts 💐
I don't think some people realise how genuinely hurtful words can be.

Even if you own the house, don’t let him move in. You need to keep this relationship separate from your family life.

If this situation was a reverse the woman would be torn to pieces.

Men as crappy fathers get rounds of applause for doing anything remotely in the vicinity of their kid, women get criticised

This man is bad news. Your history is proof of this. You’re not spotting the danger signs and you’re settling because you don’t think you’re worth anything better

Hang on, 18 months?!!

That's nothing!

I am so glad you're going to buy the house alone. There is no way that it would be a sensible decision to link finances with someone you've known so little time

@6079SmithW I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years .

Mn helped me get out of this and supported me on the road to recovery

Your history is extremely relevant- you fell into a FWB thing thinking this was a safer option.

I suppose there is something in that, but in a very short space of time you’re now moving into serious relationship territory

You need time alone to process what you’ve been through, you need to work on boundaries and protecting yourself by recognising red flags and dealing with them on a zero tolerance basis.

Only once all that becomes second nature are you free and wise to consider the odd blip along the way.

Manipulative people can see their next victims a mile off. Like moths drawn to flames they see those of us who are still vulnerable

You are still vulnerable- we can see it here. You’re less so than you were, but avoiding a level 8 arsehole and settling for a level 4 is not a ‘win’

You need to settle for zero level arsehole, you need to insist upon it.

Either each person (man) you meet, you learn more about yourself and you grow strong

Eventually level 1 arsehole and above will just stroll on by, they know to avoid women who know what they want and have boundaries that they can’t break. They will keep going till they find the weakest target

Your boyfriend is not a good partner, he’s got appalling back story and you would be putting your kids at risk by exposing them to a man who isn’t a good dad, has an awful family and would eventually inflict them on you all

So you do need to end this, it has absolutely zero future and should never have strayed from FWB.

You’re putting up with this shit for the sake of company? Come on love, where are your aspirations? Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids?

I seriously doubt it. They’re worth more than that. You are too.

End it. Today. Buy your home, move into it, leave him and his mess far behind you all and you will find far better people to share your life in the future

You’re a catch! Remember this! Make sure whoever is with you is at least worth the same as you are

This bloke is taking up the space where a good man could be. As soon as this guy is gone, you’re free to grow, to learn, to laugh and to learn to love again.

The Last thing you need is FWB, the next last thing you need is this piss poor bloke thieving the oxygen around you

I'm glad you're buying your own house. Definitely the right decision.

However once you have bought it - be wary of insidious encroachment, if he is renting. In other words, cocklodger syndrome, where they spend more time in your comfortable mortgaged house than their shitty rental.

It's good that you're buying the house alone.

Remember that his contact with son could change in the blink of an eye. Right now he might be once a week but an argument with his mum and he could end up being a 7 day a week parent and your kids need protecting. In a case like this he'll end up living with you until he finds a woman with low enough self esteem to allow the same.

This is a situation that clearly should have never moved on from FWB. You are kidding yourself that he is helpless in the discipline department. He's waited so long that it will be harder but he's shirked his responsibilities by letting this lie. Why do men often use the excuse that their kids won't see them if they impose structure but never worry about the consequences of the other parent doing the same?

@MzHz

This bloke is taking up the space where a good man could be. As soon as this guy is gone, you’re free to grow, to learn, to laugh and to learn to love again.

The Last thing you need is FWB, the next last thing you need is this piss poor bloke thieving the oxygen around you

This and the previous post from @MzHz are both excellent.

While he is in your life, you won’t find someone who you could really make a life with.

I also agree with MzHz about how a women parenting like your DP would come under fire. A bad parent is a bad parent. He may have made bad choices in the past but it doesn’t like he’s doing much to change that now.

Anyway, very good news that you are buying with your DC and it sounds like you have a great plan.

I find your last post a bit sad to be honest OP. I’m glad that you’re buying the house on your own but I’m honestly baffled as to why your bar is so slow that you would stay with a man you’ve only known for 18 months and one that you yourself admit is a bad father. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Why would you want that influence around your own children? Like others have said, while you’re with this person for reasons that escape me, you’re missing out on opportunities to be with a great guy. It’s a shame.

OP, you clearly love your children so for this alone do not live with this man in ANY house!

You will never be able to say 100% about leaving your kids alone with this 16 year old or your boyfriend, which quite frankly both are unsuitable as safeguarding.

If you move in together, guarantee the 16 year old will be living with you full time before the year is up.

you can do better OP, end the relationship and find someone as a better role model.

OP read all the above comments. Again and again. This has bad news and a future of chaos written all over it. You dont need it. Keep your distance and raise your bar.

I reckon he’ll be made homeless within 2 months of OP buying a new house and will move in with her.
He will promise her the moon, he will contribute, help, his son won’t be allowed in...until something happens a few weeks later and the son needs somewhere to go, he’ll be too tired from work to help, he’ll give op £150 a month.

Be wise op, your kids depend on you.

Am pleasantly surprised on this thread to see posters hold dads to account for their parenting. Rather than the oft-heard ‘his son will always come first/you obviously hate the boy’ type stuff.

OP my relationship with my DP (relationship of 5yrs) looks pretty precarious right now. DP and his ex are choosing to allow their dd to loaf about at home pleasing herself at their expense. She has been doing this since dropping out of school age 15. She turns 20 soon. Her parents have done nothing about this. Apart from scratch their heads.

I flatly refuse to enable someone else’s parenting failure. I flatly refuse to live in a house of three adults where only two contribute financially. Or a house with three adults where only two engage meaningfully with the real world in some small way.

DP moans about being ‘in limbo’ yet the limbo is one they have jointly created (he, his exW, their dd).

And I’m sitting in the discomfort of maybe needing to let this relationship go.

Wishing you continued strength to do what’s right for you and your dc.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Here's a prediction: At some point the lad will be thrown out of his house by his mum, at which point he'll ask your DP to move in with him and your DP will say yes. So you will have an angry, drug-taking, 18 year old living with you full time when your kids hit secondary age.

No love. You can stay 'with' DP without buying a house.

This exactly.

OP well done on being able to take onboard the advice on here - it is sound, though in some posts it's quite harsh.

If you've recently been in an abusive relationship it can be really easy to lose perspective. It's also hard if you've been zmotionally dependant on someone, to find yourself alone.

I'm a parent to two young DC like you, the difference being that I chose to be a single parent (sperm donor). I'm honestly not keen to lose my freedom and security. I'd find it really hard to move in with someone. It's much safer to have your own place to go back to if/when things go south. Especially in the circumstances you described.

I'm sorry but the man you're describing doesn't sound great. If he makes you happy, by all means keep seeing him, but I think you should keep a distance. Seeing him whenever your DC are with their other parent sounds ideal. This way you keep everything separate. If you're sick or whatever you can cancel and be comfortably safe in your own home even if his son is visiting your boyfriend.

Remember also that it's easy to buy something with someone but much harder to disentangle your finances ! Especially as your DP doesn't seem careful with money (no savings despite having a good salary ?!)

To get insight into abusive behaviour, I've heard brilliant things about Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.