Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

[6079SmithW]

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

[quote 6079SmithW]@UhtredRagnarson Thank you for your honesty.

I promise you I will, and you are welcome to hold me to account at any time.

I may have grown up not thinking much of myself, but I value my children immeasurably. [/quote]
You are not by even considering doing this with your boyfriend, though.

I wouldn't be buying a house with your DP either. Far too risky.

If the DS falls out with his mother/she throws him out/ he decides he wants to live with his dad, that means he will be moving in full time to live with you, because you know your DP will do nothing to stop him.

He's not been at school for 2 years so he will have no qualifications, so is unlikely to get a job. So he will be dossing around in your house full time, smoking cannabis and doing whatever else he pleases, causing friction between you and your DP and creating a hugely damaging and toxic environment for your children to grow up in.

He doesn't show his dad any respect so you can be sure he'll have none for you.

And if your children are girls, I would be extremely worried about their safety, in light of not one but two allegations of sexual assault.

Protect your children and your own sanity OP and walk away. If you go down this road it won't end well.

You don’t need to promise me anything. It doesn’t affect me in any way. Me holding you to account is meaningless because you could tell me anything any I’d never know, and even if I did, what would I do? Nothing. I couldn’t do anything. So promises on here are meaningless.

Take some time, away from here, away from him and properly search your inner lost feelings about this. Your answer is already there. You just need to give yourself permission to embrace it.

Apart from everything else mentioned, your DP gives money to his DS which he can't spare because he's worried the DS won't see him otherwise. It's a small step from this to the DS using emotional blackmail deliberately to get money, which is financial abuse. If you're in a situation where you've got joined finances with your DP I suspect he'll end up giving almost all his money to his son whilst leaving you to pay for all the bills and everything.

He's not a kind soft hearted lovely man, he's someone who puts his own wants (to pander to and finance his shit head son) above his partners (you) and her DC welfare. That's not the actions of a caring man it's the actions of a weak and selfish person.

You describe your boyfriend as hard to like when he simpers over his son. You sound like you despise his he’s failed to help his son. You haven’t known him that long. You wouldn’t trust his son around you on your own or around your children. You won’t allow him in your house.

What if his mum kicks him out, he moves in with his dad, dad can’t trust him at home on his own, then what does that mean for even dating each other?

I’m not even sure how he’s been out of education since he was 14, but given that’s what you say, he’s not going to go to college, university, get a normal job. He’s not going anywhere for a long time if ever.

His dad is alright with that - very worrying - or he’s unable/unwilling to tackle that and a number of other very serious issues - negligent and dangerous. Either way I couldn’t respect or be attracted to a man like that.

And you’ve had several arguments. In a few months.

It’s not about why you’d break up but why you’d stay together?

Are you scared to be alone?

You can't expect your Ex to take your DC just because its your boyfriend's time with his DS.

If you decide the relationship is worth pursuing then you could buy a house near him?

I’ll be honest, If my ex approached me and said “can you take the DCs on the days when my partners son is here because he is dangerous.” I’d be seriously concerned about my exes decision making and I’d keep my DCs with me permanently.

Is your partner going to be living with you?

I think PPs are wondering why you would want to stay in a relationship (much less buy a house with) a man who seemingly can’t parent his own child? I know it takes 2 to tango but no school for 2 years, no discipline, does what/when he likes and in your own words, your DP simpers around him?

I'm so glad that you have decided not to move in with your DP.

What stood out to me were the sexual assault allegations that you believe were made up. Only a tiny minority of girls and women report rape, let alone sexual assault and of those reports, the CPS only prosecutes a miniscule amount. Do you really believe that two different girls reported his son maliciously? If that is the case, he is an extremely unlucky young man.

DS will not be coming to my house. He never has so far and I don't see a need in the future

So why are you talking about shipping your own children off to their Father's when this boy visits then?

@6079SmithW
I am curious about why you think I should end the relationship?

You’ve asked me directly, so I’ll give you a direct and blunt answer. And i apologise because it’s going to sound harsh. If I knew you in real Iife, I’d give you a big (un-MN) hug. I mean what I’m going to say with love and kindness.

You are not long (in the big scheme of things) out of an abusive relationship and I do not think your judgment is what you think it is. For either yourself or your kids.
This has only been a brief relationship and yet you’ve already had to post on MN with concerns about “secrets”. The fact that now you’re posting about buying a house at this EARLY stage in a relationship tells me you have no idea what Is appropriate For a relationship especially when you have two young children in the mix. You shouldn’t need us to tell you or confirm your fears that this is too early. It shouldn’t even be a consideration.

Those are enormous red flags by themselves. And as i said, I get that finding your way after an abusive relationship is hard. And OLD sating sucks. But you’re not placing a high enough value on what you are worth OR what your children are worth.

The fact of the matter is that you’re dating a man who is a shit parent what ever way you look at it. No Matter what excuses he or you try to make for him. Your own words describe how little you think of his current parenting. That alone is enough of a reason to not be in this relationship. But you have small children in the mix and his son. Why would you want to bring a shit parent into you children’s lives? His poor parenting skills aren’t a thing of the paste.

His son is a drug user with two sexual abuse issues. That is horrific and even if your children never meet him, he is not going anywhere. He is your partners son and for as long as you are with your partner, his son will be ever present in your lives. And even if he isn’t there day to day in person, that will impact on youR partner, you and therefore your kids. You’ve already debated the theories about them having to leave their own house in the future if the son is visiting ffs. The kid is only 16 and if you think this is going to not get worse then you are dreaming.

You should end this relationship because you deserve better. But regardless of that, your kids deserve better and they are a priority. You say they are, but in sorry, your actions don’t show it.

I urge you, if you haven’t done so to take part in the freedom programme. Get some counselling. Spend some time on you. Rebuilding is hard after an abusive relationship and jumping into the wrong relationships is terrifyingly easy. Being single really isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Really excellent post, @EveryoneRevealsThemselves

we are currently looking to buy a house together.

What does this even mean? How has this come up in conversation in the first place? How has that conversation progressed to the stage of WE are looking to buy a house together if that's not what you want?

I don't get how it even is a thing if you supposedly don't want it. You were certainly considering it enough to be forming strategies around your own kids. Is your boyfriend very keen? Where does he live now?

[quote 6079SmithW]@UhtredRagnarson

Do you mean DS's issues? I'm not trying to be unhelpful here but unless you ask me specifically I'm not sure what you want further information about.

DS will not be coming to my house. He never has so far and I don't see a need in the future. [/quote]
But what if it’s not just your house? Then you can’t stop him
That’s why this is a bad idea

You will have conflict all over if this son lives with you, his behaviour won't change overnight in your new house. Most probably, your resentment towards your partner will grow,and everything with your children will be affected. I wouldn't want a child like this in my midst, if I had made sure my own children were normal well behaved children.

I would walk away from this dumpster fire!! You need to worry about your own kids.

I just don't think this would be an ideal safe home for children. For it to be that it needs to be 100% 'safe' all the time, not just on the nights they are actually there.

I think by potentially allowing someone into their space who might not be good for them to be around, you are eroding what should be the safest place in the world for them, their home. It's one thing if through necessity that happens (and still bad) but to actively create that seems just batshit crazy to me.

People who are not married should not purchase property in which they plan to live together without articulating both their respective requirements for living together and their plans/expectations regarding inheritance of the property.

You partner was a parent and not an observer in the rearing of his son. What prohibited him for taking his minor child to get a proper mental health assessment or teaching proper values to his child? His lack of involvement in ensuring that his son is properly educated is appalling. Sins of omission or as harmful as those sins of commission. He has failed his son in many areas.

Few negligent parents ever own their failures as a parent and many are willing to attribute their personal failures to the actions of the other parent. Your partner's son is and has been failed by both of his parents.

A man who cannot own his personal faults and failings is a man who cannot fix his own faults and failings. What exactly does he bring to the partnership table that makes overlooking his faults and failures worth entering into a personal and expanded legal relationship ( joint property purchase) with him?

Whatever you decide to do, you will be doing it from a fully informed perspective. You know and have experienced the man that he is and the prior problems and behaviors that his son has exhibited..

The red flags are present and blowing in your breeze.

[quote EveryoneRevealsThemselves]@6079SmithW
I am curious about why you think I should end the relationship?

You’ve asked me directly, so I’ll give you a direct and blunt answer. And i apologise because it’s going to sound harsh. If I knew you in real Iife, I’d give you a big (un-MN) hug. I mean what I’m going to say with love and kindness.

You are not long (in the big scheme of things) out of an abusive relationship and I do not think your judgment is what you think it is. For either yourself or your kids.
This has only been a brief relationship and yet you’ve already had to post on MN with concerns about “secrets”. The fact that now you’re posting about buying a house at this EARLY stage in a relationship tells me you have no idea what Is appropriate For a relationship especially when you have two young children in the mix. You shouldn’t need us to tell you or confirm your fears that this is too early. It shouldn’t even be a consideration.

Those are enormous red flags by themselves. And as i said, I get that finding your way after an abusive relationship is hard. And OLD sating sucks. But you’re not placing a high enough value on what you are worth OR what your children are worth.

The fact of the matter is that you’re dating a man who is a shit parent what ever way you look at it. No Matter what excuses he or you try to make for him. Your own words describe how little you think of his current parenting. That alone is enough of a reason to not be in this relationship. But you have small children in the mix and his son. Why would you want to bring a shit parent into you children’s lives? His poor parenting skills aren’t a thing of the paste.

His son is a drug user with two sexual abuse issues. That is horrific and even if your children never meet him, he is not going anywhere. He is your partners son and for as long as you are with your partner, his son will be ever present in your lives. And even if he isn’t there day to day in person, that will impact on youR partner, you and therefore your kids. You’ve already debated the theories about them having to leave their own house in the future if the son is visiting ffs. The kid is only 16 and if you think this is going to not get worse then you are dreaming.

You should end this relationship because you deserve better. But regardless of that, your kids deserve better and they are a priority. You say they are, but in sorry, your actions don’t show it.

I urge you, if you haven’t done so to take part in the freedom programme. Get some counselling. Spend some time on you. Rebuilding is hard after an abusive relationship and jumping into the wrong relationships is terrifyingly easy. Being single really isn’t the worst thing in the world.[/quote]
Print this out and stick it everywhere in your line of sight.

Have you asked your dp if he intends to put his foot down when his Ds is 18 and insists he gets a job, or is he happy for him to be a druggie cocklodger all his life? that really is bad parenting.

Why can't some people just respond to a thread without checking up on the OPs previous threads, finding anything to produce a "columbo" moment

Because its not our first rodeo AfterEights.

I was with an ex partner for over 2 years, and whilst monogamous, never saw it as particularly serious. With my first husband, I knew within a couple of months we would marry, so I would have said we were serious right from then. I think OP was trying to state that in her view, the relationship was long term, meaning serious.

In think it's unfair to pick her apart and make assertions because a previous thread shows the relationship is 7 months old. 7 months with all these lockdowns feels like 7 years!