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Original poster

Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

202 replies

6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 10:43

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

OP posts:
ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt · 07/03/2021 11:35

I've never needed my husbands permission to discipline our children. He is far too soft with them but that's his prerogative. They know their limits with me and what's expected so they also don't take the piss with their soft (but very sweet) dad. No one will ever convince me I need to put up with disrespect or bad behaviour from my kids just because the other parent does. My kid acting like that would have been taken from his mother's 'care' and raised properly by me if I were the dad. It doesn't sound like it would be difficult to make the case in court.
Your DH is using his ex as an excuse for his parenting failures.

No way would I buy a house with him and invite his son to be a part of my life. I'm sorry but he sounds positively horrendous. Not all his fault but don't make him your problem to deal with.

OhCaptain · 07/03/2021 11:35

@UhtredRagnarson

Hang on, is this the same poster from a few weeks ago whose partner was angling after her money to buy a larger house than he could afford by himself?
Oh god. I remember that!
Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 11:54

That dps ds was 10/11...

UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 11:57

Ahh ok. I couldn’t remember the ages of DC. Just worried that same Op had gone ahead with the plans.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/03/2021 12:02

Don't buy. You don't need to live together to stay in the relationship.

Please don't ever expose your dc to someone who has twice been accused of sexual abuse.

VettiyaIruken · 07/03/2021 12:02

Should I tie my money up in a house with a man who has utterly failed his child? Should I force my children to live in a house with a teenager who is aggressive, uses drugs, talks to people like they're shit, demands money...
Should I trap my children in a house with a teenager with question marks over his head re sexual assault?
Should I put myself in a position where I too will be treated like shit?
Should I prioritise my lurve over my children and my financial independence?

Hell yeah, go for it OP. You love him, what could possibly go wrong.

PensionsYes · 07/03/2021 12:02

Well-you wouldn’t suggest anyone else seriously consider this, would you?

If the children’s Dad was about to move in with his partner and her DS under the same circumstances, you’d be livid wouldn’t you?

So no, protect your children- that’s your job.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 12:12

Thank you for all of your replies. Just to be clear on a few things:

I am not the previous poster (that sounds awful).

DS would not be living with us, just visiting his dad once a week.

I agree that DS has been failed by his parents (and CAMHS and the school system).
Since I have been with DP I have encouraged him to seek intervention for various things which he has done. When I challenge him about the way he deals with DS he just gets really upset and says he's scared DS won't see him. He thinks he has to build a relationship with him first and the discipline. I believe it should be the other way around but I can't force him, DS is not my child.

We had several serious arguments about the situation early on, which resulted in us agreeing to parent our own children our own way. He is good with my DC but doesn't interfere.

The only way I have envisioned it working would be if every time DS visited my DC went to exDH so they weren't around him. I have discussed this with exDH who is happy for that to happen (I have already discussed the situation with him) as we co-parent so it would just mean juggling days around as necessary.

Even so I'm not sure if this is enough? My priority is definitely my DC but I don't want to be in a situation of 'throwing the baby out with bath water' with DP IYSWIM.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 12:17

DS would not be living with us, just visiting his dad once a week.

Please don’t rely on this! At 16 he is more than capable of coming an going as he pleases, having his own key and treating it just like his other home.

Since I have been with DP I have encouraged him to seek intervention for various things which he has done. When I challenge him about the way he deals with DS he just gets really upset and says he's scared DS won't see him. He thinks he has to build a relationship with him first and the discipline.

You see the problem here don’t you? You are driving it all. It’s not coming from his father which means it’s not important to his father.

The only way I have envisioned it working would be if every time DS visited my DC went to exDH so they weren't around him.

Have you actually listened to yourself? Youre happy to send your own DC away from their home so the dangerous relative of your boyfriend can stay. And you think that’s normal? You think that’s prioritising your DC?

Even so I'm not sure if this is enough?

It’s not.

UseOfWeapons · 07/03/2021 12:18

Sorry, OP, but love does not conquer all.
You may love your DP, but you buying a home together is not the best example of putting your DC first, or giving them and you a good quality of life. Your home should be a place where you can relax, but you’d never have that with this young man about. Financially, practically, emotionally, and psychologically, moving in together should not even be on the cards. Let your DP and this boy’s mother get him back on the right track.

UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 12:22

Why does your partner want to live with you and expose your DC to his child who he knows has huge issues? Why doesn’t he want to focus on helping his son instead of bringing it all to your door?

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 07/03/2021 12:23

Here's a prediction: At some point the lad will be thrown out of his house by his mum, at which point he'll ask your DP to move in with him and your DP will say yes. So you will have an angry, drug-taking, 18 year old living with you full time when your kids hit secondary age.

No love. You can stay 'with' DP without buying a house.

Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 12:24

When your dc aren't there his ds will be sleeping in their beds. How would you refuse this? Or are you buying a house with a bedroom for his ds?

SabrinaTheMiddleAgedBitch · 07/03/2021 12:25

No. Definitely not. And the fact that he's been such a lazy parent and then tried to lay the blame solely at the mothers feet would be a huge turn off for me personally

wandawombat · 07/03/2021 12:27

Will sponge off you for years to come, bringing trouble to your door.

Think of the resentment your small children will suffer.

ChaToilLeam · 07/03/2021 12:28

Do not buy a house with this man. You could be landed with his DS moving in in the future. Your DP is failing his deeply troubled child, you need to keep your own DC away from this situation.

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 07/03/2021 12:28

A long term relationship? You were single back in August so you’ve been with him a max of 6 months?! Why the hell are you even considering buying a house yet?!

isthismylifenow · 07/03/2021 12:31

It's really not fair on your DC. So essentially every time dp's child wants to visit they need to clear off out.

Haven't they and you been through enough trauma by divorce , and now you want to introduce even more drama.

Is dp pressuring you to move in?

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 07/03/2021 12:33

Sorry posted too soon.

According to your other threads, This is also your first relationship since an abusive one and then despairing of OLD.
I get it, I really do. Dating. Relationships. It’s hard. But this has ENORMOUS red flags all over it. And you have two young children to think of. You should not even be considering moving in with someone at this point and certainly not someone who is such a shit parent.

ShrewYou · 07/03/2021 12:36

So if one of your dc is having a friend round or you've planned to go somewhere nice on a Saturday you are going to cancel all of that and bundle them off to their dad if your dp's son comes?

UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 12:37

Oh hold up! You’ve been seeing this guy at most 7 months!!

You’re being utterly ridiculous! You shouldn’t even be thinking of moving in with this guy yet let alone tying yourself to him financially.

Grow up. Put your children first. That’s your job. Get rid of the losers.

Namechange1234589 · 07/03/2021 12:41

NC for this.

I would seriously not buy a house and put your children in a living situation with a known, regular drug user who has been accused of sexual assault. I am currently working with a family where mother moved partner in and teen DSS too. It then came to light DSS had been sexually assaulting her DD at night- for how long they are still yet to ascertain. Hugely traumatic for DD and the mother.
These things can and do happen. It is your number 1 job as a parent to safeguard your children. It is a horrible situation for you to be in but would you ever forgive yourself if you took this risk and something were to happen to your DCs?

activitythree · 07/03/2021 12:41

Oh hold up! You’ve been seeing this guy at most 7 months!!

Well if this is the case the first sentence of the OP is a lie!!

Long term relationship Hmm

UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 12:43

Well on the 4th of august she was single and was complaining about OLD.

PatchworkElmer · 07/03/2021 12:43

I wouldn’t touch this with a barge pole. I agree with @HoldontoOneMoreDay - he will end up living with you and this will affect your DC. My friend is in a very similar situation and every few months the child involved has a huge fall out with his mum, moves in and then her toddlers are exposed to a pretty awful environment. Her son’s been diagnosed with an attachment disorder due to all the movements into and out of his life 😔

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