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Original poster

Don't want to buy house with DP because of DS - please help.

202 replies

6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 10:43

I am in a long term relationship with my DP and we are currently looking to buy a house together. I have two primary school age DC, my DP has a DS 16.
From the outset my DP explained there were 'issues' with his DS. He said this was due to his ex not allowing him to discipline his son, not giving boundaries, both of them spoiling him materially and potentially some MH issues (which had not been properly explored/resolved). My DP has apparently always been the bad guy for trying to get any of these issues sorted.
The DS hasn't been in any form of education for the last two years. He has no routine or curfew and is allowed to sleep/wake/eat etc whenever he wants. He regularly smokes cannabis (maybe self medicating?). He has been accused twice of sexual assault. Police were involved on both occasions but there were no charges. I know the second incident was a complete fabrication (he was elsewhere at the time) but who knows what happened the first time. I don't believe that he sexually assaulted anyone, but something must have happened for these girls to make these claims? He constantly asks my DP for money/items which DP can't afford but invariably provides anyway. He treats DP like crap, shows no respect, speaks to him badly, blocks his number regularly and is violent.
I'm finding it so hard to find anything to like about this child, and frankly also my DP when I see the way he simpers around DS. I really don't want him in my house, but if we buy together I will have no choice. It's making me think twice about buying together at all, but I love DP and want to be with him. Please help!

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 07/03/2021 13:18

OP Im very glad to see you are buying a house for you and your DC 🌺

MessAllOver · 07/03/2021 13:18

You owe it to your children to create a happy, secure and respectful home for them. It doesn't sound as if that will be possible if you move in with your DP and therefore his son has access to your house. Bundling your DC out of the house to their dad every time the son shows up is not a sensible option, as I think you know.

OhCaptain · 07/03/2021 13:18

[quote 6079SmithW]@OhCaptain

Actually I was quite prepared to ensure that my children were never alone with him.

Regardless of how I feel about my DP, do you not think that sexual assault allegations would scare the crap out of me? I wouldn't even particularly feel comfortable alone with DS.[/quote]
So say your ex is suddenly sick one weekend and can’t take care of the dc, but the kid is already at the house.

What do you do?

Or if he shows up suddenly on the doorstep?

Or if he has an argument with mum and it’s either stay at yours or sleep on the street?

You couldn’t possibly ensure it and I’m incredulous that you seem to think you could.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/03/2021 13:19

I haven’t seen previous threads but if you’ve had abusive relationships before, which will have negatively affected your children, and this is absolutely not a long term relationship, you can’t go through life giving people the benefit of the doubt. That is not how you protect yourself and your young children. You must know that?

There are raging red flags all over this whole situation. You kept dating while shagging him and when OLD didn’t work out you settled for him and his shit show of a family? Have your children met his son?

Please realise the people responding here have your best interests at heart, and those of your children - who get no say in any of this. They need you to think clearly, calmly, rationally. Not get swept up in whatever fantasy you’re nurturing of a happy family and a new house.

You’ve already had several arguments since august? That’s not normal.

You’re not Romeo and Juliet overcoming obstacles to follow your dreams of love. You’re two parents whose children have already been through a lot.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:20

@UhtredRagnarson

Do you mean DS's issues? I'm not trying to be unhelpful here but unless you ask me specifically I'm not sure what you want further information about.

DS will not be coming to my house. He never has so far and I don't see a need in the future.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 07/03/2021 13:22

Even if the son was a 9 A*s at GCSE, flute playing, volunteers at the local retirement home in his spare time type of 16 year old then 7 months is far too soon to be buying a house together.

Keep seeing your boyfriend if he makes you happy but try and separate your relationship with him with his from his son.

UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 13:22

Yes of course I meant DSS issues. And your boyfriends issues (namely his total disinterest in parenting his child)

Glad you are starting to see sense and make smart, safeguarding decisions.

I think you’ll also realise in time that this man is not good for you. His DS is not the only reason you shouldn’t move in with him.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:24

Thank you for your posts.
As I said I was hoping for something ingenious but I knew it wasn't going to come.

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert I was beginning to feel like I was on trial.

OP posts:
EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 07/03/2021 13:25

If I'm guilty of ignoring some relationship red flags then that may be so, but I would never put my children at risk. The title of my thread is "don't want to buy" not want to buy".

Then end this relationship. It’s really as simple as that. You don’t need our permission or back up to do so, but it’s been virtually unanimous on this thread.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:28

As a general point, please bear in mind that that people come to these boards looking for advice.

You have all raised many points that I had not considered, and I am grateful.

However attacking the OP or accusing them of not caring about their children is not only (very) hurtful, but actively dissuades other posters for asking for help.

We are all doing our best to get through life as best we can. Let's try to be kind?

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 13:28

If you were to marry op making it your mission to keep step siblings apart is a sad thought... Not an ideal recipe for a successful relationship...

DinoHat · 07/03/2021 13:29

@activitythree

He is a 16 year old who has been massively failed by the adults around him. I literally can't say anything else at this point.
So should OP compromise her children by entangling them with him?
UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 13:31

Let's try to be kind?

Let’s try not to hide behind hashtags. You know why you got the responses you did. Unpleasant as it is to be told the truth about your plans, you do need to face it.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:32

@EveryoneRevealsThemselves and @UhtredRagnarson
I am curious about why you think I should end the relationship?

Also re DS's issues. I will continue to help DP where I can, but as I said before we have already agreed to not get involved with each other's children in a parenting role.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 07/03/2021 13:32

Buy the house yourself as planned. Your relationship is very very new and there is no rush. You’re still at the early dating stage. Your kids need to come first.

Azerothi · 07/03/2021 13:33

I don't have to be kind if you're putting your children's lives at risk for the sake of a boyfriend you hardly know. This has to be one of the worst things I've read on here. You want to throw your children out when your boyfriend's son comes to stay? What if he comes permanently? Chuck your own children to the dogs? Just an awful and, to be honest, a frightening post.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:33

@UhtredRagnarson
No hashtags involved.

And IME unpleasant things don't have to be communicated in an unpleasant way

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 13:34

I am curious about why you think I should end the relationship?

Honestly? Do you want me to answer honestly? Because it isn’t something I think you’re ready to hear.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:34

@Azerothi please stop pearl clutching long enough to RTFT

OP posts:
Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:35

@UhtredRagnarson please I would like you to be honest

OP posts:
willibald · 07/03/2021 13:37

Why are you putting your children around this man, much less considering buying a house with him? Why are you risking your children's financial stability for a man?

UhtredRagnarson · 07/03/2021 13:37

Ok. I think you should end the relationship because I don’t think you will keep your children safe as long as you are with him. You’re saying the right things now, but I don’t think you’ll hold your resolve.

willibald · 07/03/2021 13:39

@isthismylifenow

Is he pressurizing you to move in together?

I.e. Was this his idea?

Yes, he needs her money to do it, too.
Original poster
6079SmithW · 07/03/2021 13:40

@UhtredRagnarson Thank you for your honesty.

I promise you I will, and you are welcome to hold me to account at any time.

I may have grown up not thinking much of myself, but I value my children immeasurably.

OP posts:
Diesse · 07/03/2021 13:41

Do not buy a house with him! Run for the hills!

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