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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:
rangersfc · 03/03/2021 23:20

@EnoughnowIthink

I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner

Child sees her father 2 out of 7 days and you think she should somehow empathise with how important your alone time is? She’s 9. You quite openly state you have reduced her time with her dad. What next? Your choice of language is telling.

This!

Forgive me, but is English your first language?
The language you use to describe her is really worrying.

Your attitude towards her weekend stays is awful. You should be committed to this man knowing that at any point he could become the resident parent. Would you cope with that?

Do you plan on getting rid of your own child 1 weekend per month so you keep your alone time together? Obviously not, so it's quite sad you expect your partner to do so. It's worse that he is going along with it.

My partner has a DD8 and I completely empathise that they can be very clingy and it's endless thankless hard work navigating the mine field that is having stepchildren. But you've signed up for it so you and your partner need to do much better by this little girl. Try and consider the reasons why she might act the way she does. As PP said she does not owe you anything.

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:22

Everyone jumping on OP’s choice of language...
to me it reads as someone who’s first language isn’t English? Am I right OP?

Also absolutely 9 years old can be manipulative 😂😂😂 I say that as a mother of a 10yo and a SM to 2 girls who I have known through that age.

OP you sounds like a lovely woman, I think your SD sounds insecure and jealous of the attention her dad is giving you. It’s understandable and you can be sympathetic but it doesn’t mean you have to pander to it either.
You sound as if you’re doing everything right... you’re being kind, considerate and loving towards her. There’s nothing else you can do other than ride the storm and be consistent.
Do not suddenly make her the centre of the universe when she’s with you after the baby is born, just be normal, carry on as you are and consistency is key.

Contrary to a lot of advice given on here I firmly believe treating children with kid gloves causes way more problems than it solves.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
When you tell your SD make her feel included but that doesn’t mean letting her choose baby names or anything ridiculous. Again, be consistent in your behaviour... if you suddenly start acting like she might be upset she will play up to that.
9 year old’s aren’t toddlers and they’re mature enough to adapt if the parents help it. Just keep doing what you’re doing, it sounds like you’re doing it all right

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:23

@rangersfc snap! I thought the same!

Parkmama · 03/03/2021 23:24

I find it so weird you refer to her as 'the girl'

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:24

Sorry the snap was in reference to English not being her first language... I actually disagree with everything else you wrote

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:27

Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times

Her mother has been nasty, so you don't want to play with the child?

I read these as two separate points - the not wanting to play** games relates to the being tired from work - the mother being unpleasant to her is a separate issue. Hence the use of "and" to link these 2 points; as opposed to "because".

I think a comma after "all the time" would have made that clearer.

I'm also (as respectfully as possible) wondering if English is OP's first language.

Wondermule · 03/03/2021 23:27

she even came on a holiday last year with us.

Why do you make that sound so unusual? Why wouldn’t she go on holiday with you?

Calling her ‘the girl’ is a bit cold as well.

Do you have step parents, OP?

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:30

@SpongebobNoPants

Sorry the snap was in reference to English not being her first language... I actually disagree with everything else you wrote

I genuinely wasn't being disrespectful about that.. just wondering. I think some of her OP is being widely misinterpreted due the way some things are phrased, which I think is unfair.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:31

@SpongebobNoPants

OK I see what you were saying now... you're also wondering the same as me.

Pregnancy brain... the struggle is real Grin

Kimye4eva · 03/03/2021 23:33

OP it really does sound like you dislike her. She’s going through a difficult age and I can fully understand that might be difficult to live with, but she has to deal with her parents being separated not to mention the impact of the pandemic.

The way you have written does sound like you are trying to push her out and you don’t view her as part of your (her Dad’s) family. You either need to spend less time with your partner so she can have more time alone with her dad or you need to step up and be nicer to her.

For example, she either gets to go on holiday with just her Dad (and you don’t go) or she is welcomed with open arms into your family holiday. You can’t expect her not to get a holiday with her Dad because you don’t want her there.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:36

You can’t expect her not to get a holiday with her Dad because you don’t want her there.

What did I miss? Where has OP said she doesn't want her on holiday with her?

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:36

OP it really does sound like you dislike her
Jesus fucking wept.

Every time any SM has a problem this old tripe is said.
I didn’t get that impression. She’s an exasperated, knackered pregnant woman dealing with a difficult stepchild at the moment. The sheer fact she’s asking for help shows she cares!
Comments like this are not helpful at all.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:37

@SpongebobNoPants

OP it really does sound like you dislike her Jesus fucking wept.

Every time any SM has a problem this old tripe is said.
I didn’t get that impression. She’s an exasperated, knackered pregnant woman dealing with a difficult stepchild at the moment. The sheer fact she’s asking for help shows she cares!
Comments like this are not helpful at all.

No, I didn't get that impression either.
I got exhausted pregnant woman vibes too.

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:37

@LucieStar you missed nothing, people just make stuff up on this board by twisting what the OP says to fit their own narrative.

Theunamedcat · 03/03/2021 23:42

She does sound like she is trying to manipulate her dad exaggeration saying she was left for an hour when you had a brief conversation perfect victim mentality you need to nip it in the bud

Dad needs to be the one spending the time with her mainly not you

Aimee1987 · 03/03/2021 23:43

Also absolutely 9 years old can be manipulativ
100% this of course a 9 year old will play parents off each other to their advantage.

Kimye4eva · 03/03/2021 23:44

@LucieStar

You can’t expect her not to get a holiday with her Dad because you don’t want her there.

What did I miss? Where has OP said she doesn't want her on holiday with her?

She said they even took her on holiday with them, like they were doing her a favour. She should be getting a holiday with her Dad!
LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:46

I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP it's not fair that you should be feeling like this. No one should feel they can't be present in their home, especially with a new baby.

Also DP shouldn't be "snapping" at you due to his own frustration with the situation regarding his DD. He needs to step in and be the one to manage this behaviour, however he and SD's mother deem a suitable way to address it. But it's not fair that you're being snapped at, particularly in your current pregnant and exhausted state!

Milkshake7489 · 03/03/2021 23:46

It sounds like you see her as competition 'I feel like this child has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner' Hmm.

He's her dad and she is 9. The time to decide whether you were happy with dating a man who already has a child was before you decided to have a baby with him. She should (and hopefully will) always be his joint priority along with your shared child. You need to be the adult here.

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:47

@Kimye4eva that’s how you read it. I read it as the 9yo wanted to go on holiday with them even before OP lived with her dad. So essentially she was happy to holiday with her dad and his gf.

Funny how people interpret things and put a negative spin on things.

Aimee1987 · 03/03/2021 23:47

I also got exhausted pregnant woman vibes who is close to breaking point. I've been there OP and it's a crappy place to be Flowers

It come back to the mumsnet SM cant do anything right. If this was the behaviour of your own child no one would say you dont like them. As a sm your expected to be the perfect parent while never saying a bad word. Then if you make them centre of attentions dads house is Disney dad house and your not a real parent. No winning really.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:48

She said they even took her on holiday with them, like they were doing her a favour. She should be getting a holiday with her Dad!

Nope, she said nothing about a favour. That's your word - based on what you've read into her use of language. There is absolutely nothing in that sentence or any other, to indicate that OP doesn't want her SD to go on holiday with her.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:49

Funny how people interpret things and put a negative spin on things.

I find it fascinating. Smile

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:49

she even came on a holiday last year with us

That’s what she said @Kimye4eva

You just chose to interpret it negatively.

I see an OP who is struggling with a second language, that’s how I interpreted it.

SpongebobNoPants · 03/03/2021 23:52

@Aimee1987 I completely agree.

I really do wish people who try and post helpful advice on here instead of berating posters and implying they hate/dislike/are trying to push out their SCs.

As a general observation, most posters come to this board because they do care and want advice. Differing opinions are fine, being unkind isn’t.

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