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Step-parenting

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Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/04/2021 22:24

I’m so very sorry to hear about your baby Flowers

I’ve been where you are and it’s a nightmare.

Look after yourself. Lean on friends or family if you can and want to.

I don’t know what to say about how your partner is being about your perfectly reasonable request for one weekend together. Of course you feel hurt. It’s extra shit on top of your current raw trauma.

Please keep posting for support and be gentle wiry yourself and honest about what you need.

Tiredoftattler · 06/04/2021 23:30

OP, so sorry for your loss and pain. I had 2 miscarriages , and it was a very difficult time for me.

Take care of yourself and if nothing else works out , maybe you can plan a short get away for yourself.

Magda72 · 07/04/2021 09:38

@Alice18 so sorry to hear what you're going through. I haven't been there myself but can imagine how awful everything is for you right now.
As for your dp - in my honest opinion you come first at the moment & whatever it is you want or need should be given precedence over what anyone else wants or expects including his child.

How he behaves over the next few weeks would to me, be highly indicative as to whether he will ever change behaviours around his dd.
Sending you a virtual hug Daffodil.

BendyLikeBeckham · 07/04/2021 10:24

So sorry to hear your update OP.

Take care.

Lili132 · 17/05/2021 09:43

Children do not have adult skills to deal with difficult situations /emotions. They have tantrums, they manipulate, they cling etc.
I think general rule is to set very firm boundaries when it comes to problematic behaviours while in the same time addressing unmet needs or struggles and teaching healthy solutions.
There is deeper issue here, maybe insecurity, maybe boredom I don't know but it's important that both her parents step up and deal with it. Your role is more of a support figure you won't solve it on your own.

Lili132 · 17/05/2021 09:46

And I only saw your update now. I'm so sorry for your loss :(

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