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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:

Original poster

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 12:13

@LucieStar yes that's right at home she has been sleeping in bed with mum. The first 2 times she stayed in our new home she loved that she had her own room and thaught it was amazing, she was telling her mum she loves it. Its gradually getting worse each weekend with her wanting to not sleep on her own and she tries to get into bed with us but I won't accept that at all as I dont want to sleep in a bed with her. I dont mean to be nasty in that comment but I said to my partner if she really can't sleep on her own he will have to go into the other room to sleep with her. Her mother has now bought her her own bed but they still share a room

OP posts:

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 12:13

Over the weekend i spend more time with her than her own mother does in the whole week and I dont live with her

This shouldn't be happening.
Why is mum not spending time with her child??

Original poster

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 12:14

@AtSwimTwoBerts i think maybe its my English I'm obviously having difficulty explaining it

OP posts:

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 12:18

[quote Alice18]@LucieStar yes that's right at home she has been sleeping in bed with mum. The first 2 times she stayed in our new home she loved that she had her own room and thaught it was amazing, she was telling her mum she loves it. Its gradually getting worse each weekend with her wanting to not sleep on her own and she tries to get into bed with us but I won't accept that at all as I dont want to sleep in a bed with her. I dont mean to be nasty in that comment but I said to my partner if she really can't sleep on her own he will have to go into the other room to sleep with her. Her mother has now bought her her own bed but they still share a room[/quote]

Sorry - this little girl is nine years old and she has never had her own bed at her mother's? That's not healthy or normal. Why hasn't mum ever given her her own bed and bedroom??

No wonder she's clinging to people. Mum has set up an incredibly unhealthy dynamic here for her. She now understandably can't bear to be apart from people at night time.

Stick to your guns - do not allow her to sleep in your bed with you (emphasise this to DP too). She needs at least someone modelling to her age appropriate independence. Besides which, having a 9 year old in your bed is not a healthy dynamic for your relationship with DP either.

Sorry if you said- does she now have a bed at mum's?

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 12:19

OK just seen - she has her own bed but they share a room at mum's.

Is this because of lack of a 2nd bedroom, or because Mum chooses not to give her her own bedroom?

User1511 · 04/03/2021 12:28

At 9 years old I’d expect you could talk to her and tell her how you’re aware what she’s saying and how hurtful it is? And ask what she wants and if she’s unhappy she can talk to you.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 12:31

https://www.mind-matter.com/books/toddler-sleeping-parents?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxq7BnNGW7wIVHOrtCh0 QAt0EAsYAiABEgJ9mPDD_BwE

OP have a look at resources like these and maybe show to DP (as this is his and mum's ultimate responsibility to fix). Something like this might support DP in explaining to SD why she needs to sleep in her own bed. But as I've said, without consistency across mum and dad's homes, it'll be an uphill battle for your DP to address this by himself.

MrsKingfisher · 04/03/2021 12:45

How would you feel about having a chat with her? When you're both together doing something ask her how she's doing, how does she feel about seeing you both at weekends and let her know how important she is to you both. Be guided by what she says, it sounds like she needs some security. It's not easy being a step parent you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Others with read into your post, scrutinise your terminology and deem you an unfit sp. It's actually ok to not like her all of the time, or to want to be at her behest 24/7 because it's 'only at weekends' how many parents are there moaning about their own kids but apparently as a step parent you must never utter a negative word.

Give your sd and her dad some time together, it's his weekend to see her spend time with her etc, detach a little if you can it doesn't make you an awful person.

Youseethethingis · 04/03/2021 12:50

But as I've said, without consistency across mum and dad's homes, it'll be an uphill battle for your DP to address this by himself
I can vouch for this. For years my 9 year old DSDs mum thought extended co-sleeping to the point where the child never ever ever uses her own room and has no self settling skills whatsoever was a sign of a close relationship and healthy attachment, so she wouldn’t cooperate with DHs efforts to try different strategies and techniques to help DSD.
If mum thinks it’s normal, why would the child ever engage with potential solutions?
DSD no longer has a bed at our house. I’m using her room as an office and she sleeps in the double sofa bed in the playroom/office/spare room with DH. We have given up.
And her mum is apparently now exhausted by her.

EnoughnowIthink · 04/03/2021 13:06

So OP says

In regards to her not coming to us 1 weekend a month this was never so that I could have time with her dad it was mostly because even though she lives with mum she was never spending any time with her

but also says

I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner

So which is it? She is or isn't welcome in your house? You have been very quick to blame the mother when your first post was full of how this affects you and your relationship. Feels like a lot of back tracking to me.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2021 13:13

@EnoughnowIthink

So OP says

but also says

I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner

I see you've find another side to stick your boot. The child DOES have a problem with her spending time with her partner, that doesn't in any way mean that was the reason they didn't see her. And the post is about how it affects her because it's her post and it DOES affect her. What is your problem?

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 13:17

Also I don't believe a word of how bad the mother is, its always the trope.

So you can't see how a mother who has never allowed her now 9 year old daughter to have her own bed and bedroom, has contributed to a situation where her child is now significantly insecurely attached to the point she won't sleep apart from her Dad and OP either?

dontdisturbmenow · 04/03/2021 13:17

I think it's a bit more than boredom if she's taking every opportunity she can to make out to her mum that she is being left out and unwanted when her dad even has a short conversation with his partner??
It's very easy to assume you give a child of attention when you are not yet a parent yet.

My sister is 16 years younger than me. I babysat quite regularly and I used to think exactly like OP, that she wanted non stop attention and had a serious issue with needing attention.

When I had my own and realised how overbearing looking after kids is, I realised that I didn't give my sister half the attention I was convinced I was then.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 13:18

I can see that the mother is accused of making her dd co-sleep with her while also being accused of doing nothing with her and being disengaged. Do both seem likely to you?

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 13:18

@Youseethethingis

But as I've said, without consistency across mum and dad's homes, it'll be an uphill battle for your DP to address this by himself I can vouch for this. For years my 9 year old DSDs mum thought extended co-sleeping to the point where the child never ever ever uses her own room and has no self settling skills whatsoever was a sign of a close relationship and healthy attachment, so she wouldn’t cooperate with DHs efforts to try different strategies and techniques to help DSD. If mum thinks it’s normal, why would the child ever engage with potential solutions? DSD no longer has a bed at our house. I’m using her room as an office and she sleeps in the double sofa bed in the playroom/office/spare room with DH. We have given up. And her mum is apparently now exhausted by her.

Exactly - 80% of the parenting is done by mum in Op's situation. Of course the situation at her main home is significantly affecting her behaviour!

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 13:19

@AtSwimTwoBerts

I can see that the mother is accused of making her dd co-sleep with her while also being accused of doing nothing with her and being disengaged. Do both seem likely to you?

Absolutely they do, yes.

Youseethethingis · 04/03/2021 13:22

Co sleeping is often the advice to parents on here to make life easier and make sure everyone sleeps.
Therefore yes, it does seem possible that someone who wants an easy life and likes sleep would do this.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 13:26

@Youseethethingis

Co sleeping is often the advice to parents on here to make life easier and make sure everyone sleeps. Therefore yes, it does seem possible that someone who wants an easy life and likes sleep would do this.

Yep.

If I was someone who could be described by my child as "her favourite hobby is sleeping", and that I wasn't very active and involved during the day etc... I'd probably also be likely to find the effort of implementing and enforcing a bedtime routine too much to be arsed with. I imagine, if I was that person, I'd likely just stick her in bed with me to save the effort.

alsodetoxing · 04/03/2021 13:29

I feel sorry for you all.

This doesn't sound like normal behaviour to me but neither does the behaviour from her mother.

You can't fix this. Of course you need breathing space.

Your partner and his wife need to take a parenting class and your SD needs specialist input, IMO.

alsodetoxing · 04/03/2021 13:29

his ex

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 13:30

It's sad for the little girl because she's clearly crying out for more age appropriate independence and security. OP says she loved her bedroom at Dad's and on the back of that asked her mum if she could have the same at her house. In response mum has given her her own bed now, but in the same bedroom as her still. I'm not sure why this is the case - whether it's a one bed house or whether mum doesn't want to give her her own room. It makes me sad for her.

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2021 13:35

@dontdisturbmenow

I think it's a bit more than boredom if she's taking every opportunity she can to make out to her mum that she is being left out and unwanted when her dad even has a short conversation with his partner?? It's very easy to assume you give a child of attention when you are not yet a parent yet.

My sister is 16 years younger than me. I babysat quite regularly and I used to think exactly like OP, that she wanted non stop attention and had a serious issue with needing attention.

When I had my own and realised how overbearing looking after kids is, I realised that I didn't give my sister half the attention I was convinced I was then.

On the flip side, we are still all capable of judging whether sulking every time an adult talks to another adult or leaves the room briefly to do something else is an appropriate level of attention to require. Especially from a 9 year old.

My SS is a bit like this, I thought it about him before I had kids and I still think it about him now. Having a child didn't change my perspective on that. He's a couple of years younger than OPs SD, and not nearly as bad behaviour wise, as he will just follow you around and not listen to you saying you need a minute, rather than sulk and make up lies in response to someone daring to not give him constant attention.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 13:35

@EnoughnowIthink

So OP says

but also says

I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner

How are these 2 things mutually exclusive??

They changed the weekends so that SD also has a weekend with her mum, but SD has an issue thinking of her dad spending that weekend with his partner. That makes total sense.

I don't understand the people who are arguing that SD's behaviour in this scenario is normal and fine? This child is clearly really struggling and needs reassurance from her parents that people still love and care about her even when they are doing the washing up or having a conversation about something else!!

It's so easy for posters to come here and stick the boot into OP even though she has said multiple times she cares about her SD and does loads with her, but none of your posts are actually useful when it comes to helping this little girl not feel like she needs people to be with her or watching her do things at all times to feel like they want her around. That is something that she needs to move away from.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 13:35

Your partner and his wife need to take a parenting class and your SD needs specialist input, IMO.

Completely agree with this based on what I've read so far.

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