Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:
LucieStar · 06/03/2021 18:04

@Itlod1982

Luciestar I’m not defending the mum at all if defending the poor child who is clearly acting up through lack of attention from BOTH parents.

If her basic needs have been failed to be met it’s on BOTH of them.

Before backtracking the OP said contact was reduced from 8 days to 6 as OP needed the attention. This poor child isn’t getting attention from her mum OR dad, the SM has encouraged the dad to be less involved and now complaining her DSD is attention seeking. It’s the DD I feel for

I agree that both parents needs to work together to resolve this in the child's best interests- I've repeatedly said that if you look at all my contributions to the thread. OP commented that Dad "doesn't like" mum and therefore doesn't like to discuss the issues with her - I commented that this isn't acceptable and he needs to communicate with her so they can effectively co parent, etc. Because OP can teach the little girl to brush her teeth and encourage her to sleep independently in her own bedroom etc, but if that's only happening for 20% of the time when she's with her dad, there's no consistency for the little girl and it won't be sustainable change. What's happening the other 80% of the time is hugely relevant to this little girl's chances of being more effectively parented. So we can't ignore it.

And interestingly, of all 3 adults involved with this little girl that we've heard about so far, the only one who isn't her parent (OP) seems to be the most engaged with and concerned about her. Which is incredibly sad.

alsodetoxing · 06/03/2021 18:05

Yes to the OP needing a break. I have fostered a child who sounds similar and this is effectively what she is doing-being the stable respite for a neglected child without anyone acknowledging that or thinking of her needs.

alsodetoxing · 06/03/2021 18:06

These parents need to grow up and parent, individually and together. She can't plug this gap and have her own baby.

LucieStar · 06/03/2021 18:07

@alsodetoxing

Totally agree - OP seems the only one in all of this concerned with this poor child's welfare.

PurpleReigns · 06/03/2021 18:09

@itshappened

The way you refer to your Sd as 'the girl' and ' this child' in your post speaks volumes to me... you made the effort when you were just the gf, but now you will be the mother of his other child, you've stopped playing happy families and she has noticed. She is a little girl who has dealt with her parents break up and now has a new step sibling on the way. It's not surprising she is needy as the adults around her are making her feel insecure with all the changes. Perhaps if you are a little kinder she will start to feel more secure and will stop playing up.
This
alsodetoxing · 06/03/2021 18:10

I feel so very sorry for the little girl. We are ten years down the line now and the wounds go so deep. If anything can be changed to improve her circumstances, it falls to her parents and this is the time. There is a block of time before the arrival of a new baby where dad at least could be making a change.

LucieStar · 06/03/2021 18:16

@alsodetoxing

Yes to the OP needing a break. I have fostered a child who sounds similar and this is effectively what she is doing-being the stable respite for a neglected child without anyone acknowledging that or thinking of her needs.

Spot on re "stable respite". She really is plugging a parenting gap isn't she. No wonder the little girl follows her around and wants her to spend every waking moment with her. Sad

aSofaNearYou · 06/03/2021 18:22

You got "this" from that? The SD doesn't know about the baby so it isn't that. English is not OPs first language and there is no need to pick it apart as though it means something far deeper than it does. And OP already does loads for this child, only someone heavily biased would look at the situation and think the problem MUST be OP not doing enough 🙄

aSofaNearYou · 06/03/2021 18:24

Bloody quote function not working, that was meant for @PurpleReigns

LucieStar · 06/03/2021 18:25

@aSofaNearYou

Bloody quote function not working, that was meant for *@PurpleReigns*

Oh I just deliberately ignored that ridiculous comment - can't believe people are still intent on making OP look like she doesn't give a shit when she in fact appears to be the only adult in this child's life who does!

Aimee1987 · 06/03/2021 19:56

I'm with you guys on just ignore the negative stuff. I hope it's not knocking your mood too much OP. I think it's pretty clear your doing your best in a tough situation.

Can I ask what does dad think of DSDs behaviour? Does he agree that the behaviour needs to be addressed? If he doesnt you will really struggle.

I had an idea on something to try. How would she respond if you left her for 5 -10 min while you did some house stuff. It could be a stepping stone to slightly more independent behaviour. Use the shit sandwich. It where you sandwich the bad info between compliments.
For example
I love playing board games with you so much. But sometimes grown ups need to do some stuff to take care of the house so me and dad need to do some housework now. Alice needs to cook the dinner while dad does the hoovering. Your so good at building Lego do you think you could show us something amazing you could build while we do the housework. After you show us the Lego you build we will play favourite game together. Then go and do chores for 10 min.

LucieStar · 06/03/2021 20:41

I love playing board games with you so much. But sometimes grown ups need to do some stuff to take care of the house so me and dad need to do some housework now. Alice needs to cook the dinner while dad does the hoovering. Your so good at building Lego do you think you could show us something amazing you could build while we do the housework. After you show us the Lego you build we will play favourite game together. Then go and do chores for 10 min.

Really good idea.

Original poster
Alice18 · 07/03/2021 16:48

@Aimee1987 it seems my partner has acknowledged that his daughters behaviour needs addressing and that somethings need to be changed but I dont think much will be done becasue he is worried his daughter will say she doesn't want to see him. At times when she demands all my attention he says 'that's just what she's like.' I know we all have our own personalities but I just don't feel its doing anyone any favours for him acting like that.
I have tried something similar where she has said she wants to play on a video game so she does then I've gone to wash the dishes and my partner has gone to sort something in another room and after 1 minute she starts shouting for her dad to come from the other room to watch her playing a game. Next time I will try something like you have suggested as I think this is a good idea Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Alice18 · 06/04/2021 12:55

An update, not sure if this will be seen!
I found out after going to a scan that my baby's heart had stopped beating. I am absolutely distraught and I've been in an out of hospital having medical help to miscarry.
I asked my partner if he would spend 1 weekend with me in a few weeks time just me and him maybe if lockdown restrictions allow it we could go somewhere overnight just to get away and spend proper time together. He has said he doesn't know because he has to see his daughter on that weekend. He said he could do something with me on a weekend when she wouldn't be with us/doesn't want to come here.
I'm not asking him not to see his daughter I just want 1 weekend just me and him that we can plan I'm advance as I need his support right now. His daughter has been here each weekend even when I have been having the miscarriage and I feel so alone because I feel isolated even more so now when she is here. The weekends always revolve around when she wants to be here or not. I don't feel like I am asking for much just a slight change of plans for 1 weekend following what I can describe as a traumatic and devastating experience we have been through.
Please only answer if you have something encouraging to say no nasty comments please, I'm only asking for 1 weekend to be slightly moved around following what's happened as I feel pushed away and he said he doesn't know. I don't understand why can't he just say yes ok I will move my plans around we can sort something out

OP posts:
Wonderingmother · 06/04/2021 13:26

So sorry to hear that Alice. Sending hugs.

Definitely sounds like you need some time to heal, although it sounds like your OH doesn't really understand that.

SpongebobNoPants · 06/04/2021 13:27

@Alice18 oh that is so sad Sad I don’t really know what to say other than you have my sympathy.

I think a weekend away together would be a good distraction and it’ll be nice for you to have something to look forward to.
Can I ask why it has to be on that particular weekend though? Could you not book a trip away on one of the weekends you don’t have SD?

SpongebobNoPants · 06/04/2021 13:28

By the way I don’t think your request to change one weekend is unreasonable at all, I just wondered why it couldn’t be on a kid-free weekend

Aimee1987 · 06/04/2021 15:03

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Alice18 · 06/04/2021 16:16

@SpongebobNoPants thank you, I wanted it on a certain weekend because I would be able to afford it financially having been paid near that date. If he would commit to that date it would be giving everyone at least 1 month notice which I think is more than reasonable especially as really its right now I need the support but I didn't want to upset anyone else so I thaught giving 1 month notice for a slight change in routine would be enough time for everyone else to adjust to it

OP posts:
Original poster
Alice18 · 06/04/2021 16:18

@Aimee1987 thank you Flowers

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 06/04/2021 16:23

@Alice18 that makes sense.
I really do think you should be prioritised this time, it’s not an unreasonable request at all.

User5747384 · 06/04/2021 17:44

So sorry OP.
He should change the weekend it isn't a big deal. Flowers

Itlod1982 · 06/04/2021 18:48

So sorry to hear your news OP Thanks

harryclr · 06/04/2021 22:09

So sorry OP, thats awful. I went through the same thing a couple of years ago and i found being around SD difficult.

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest. I dont agree with the SC always having to come first, no, on certain situations its far more important for partners needs to come first, especially after something so private and between the 2 of you.

I hope he sorts its out x

Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 22:16

Sorry for your loss. Early days yet but time to reassess your relationship imo. At this time you should be his priority..