Step child needs 100% attention

[Alice18]

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

You are kind of stuck with her though, she isn't going anywhere.... I found 9 a horrible age (my SKs are teens now) because they do demand all the attention and find it hard to occupy themselves (mind did anyway) mixes with regressing baby's behaviours ie sitting on dads knee or always next to him.

I found that me distancing myself on their weekend worked so that I didn't get massively wound up! I went out for a few hours each day. Take a bath or go read a book :)

When you have your own baba I think your tolerance may increase also

Has she always been like this or is it since you got pregnant and she’s maybe feeling anxious about being replaced etc? Let’s face it, it’s not work that’s suddenly tiring you out of a weekend - it’s the pregnancy.

One of mine is like this and is 9. Got worse over corona. Her parents appease her so we never know when contact is or what we are having for dinner etc as they want to her to feel better. They are trying what they think is best but her younger sibling is now starting to really resent it. I'm keeping away which I feel bad about but I have tried. Called gp, talked to her etc but the more I give the more she wants. I know what I would do if she were mine but shes not so I'll be here to pick up pieces.

The way you refer to your Sd as 'the girl' and ' this child' in your post speaks volumes to me... you made the effort when you were just the gf, but now you will be the mother of his other child, you've stopped playing happy families and she has noticed. She is a little girl who has dealt with her parents break up and now has a new step sibling on the way. It's not surprising she is needy as the adults around her are making her feel insecure with all the changes. Perhaps if you are a little kinder she will start to feel more secure and will stop playing up.

She's 9 and it's only 6 days out of 30/31. She doesn't get to see much of her dad, she's bound to want attention.

You say that SD told her mum she can’t stay once a month because her dad wants to spend time with you, which isn’t what happened... but you also say be stopped seeing her once a month because he didn’t get any time with you. I’m a bit confused about that.

Anyway, I would just disengage the weekends she is around and let her dad give her his full undivided attention. Spend some part of the day together like an activity and/ or dinner, otherwise do your own thing and leave DH to appease her. If she complains you don’t give her attention, it’s kinda tough as you aren’t her parent and she’s not there to see you. 9 is a tough age and with a baby on the way plus being dropped one weekend a month, I can see why she might be scared she is being pushed out and become extra clingy.

The 9 yo girls I’ve known are beyond clingy and annoying

She’ll grow out of it, but you’re stuck seeing as you’ve decided to have kids with him.

That I don’t think was wise tbh

Thank you for the replies. In my initial post sorry I didn't mention SD doesn't know I am expecting a baby as I am not showing yet so I can keep it quiet for now but I am really worried about when the baby is here becasue she won't be the only child her dad has and she gets jealous if anyone has attention apart from her.
Also In the section about her not coming to us 1 weekend a month thats been happening for about 5 months now. The latest weekend when she didn't come to us my partner asked her if she wanted to come that weekend and she said no. Then when SD found out him and I went for a walk in the park (which we do when she is with us too on other weekends) thats when she told her mum dad didn't want her there that weekend because he wanted to see me and said that to her mum which wasn't true, as SD already said she didn't want to be there that weekend. I am always really nice to her and have done so much for her and I spend more time, play games with her even if I dont want to and help her with homework. Over the weekend i spend more time with her than her own mother does in the whole week and I dont live with her

Ye I agree she wants her dad's attention 100% but if I go out and do my own things when she is woth us on a weekend she tells her mum she doesn't want to stay with us on weekends becasue I'm not there all the time to give her attention. I find that quite difficult because she's not there to see me and if I'm not there all the time she uses it against her dad by saying she doesn't want to see him

I think she sounds quite insecure actually. If she's not getting much attention from her mum, she's desperately trying to get it all.from you.

When the baby arrives, I think you need to include her as much as possible so that she doesn't feel rejected. You might find by giving her a more grown up role (big, responsible sister) that she matures and her attention is focused differently. But you need to be careful, because there's a very strong chance she'll be jealous. I'd include her from the offset (let her help choose clothes, give ideas for a middle name etc).

OP, this sounds tough, but I am sure it is just a phase. We also had weird behaviour at nine but it blew over. No idea if it was an emotional growth spurt but have heard similar reports from other parents, including ‘together’ families.

How does her mum respond to the complaints from DSD? Is she believing every word and complaining to her ex or is she more sensible?
Either way, your DH should stop passing the comments on to you. You don’t need to know and can’t do anything about it so it’s unnecessary stress.

I agree with PP who recommend some big love-bombing from DH when she is there, but you should be able to do what you want.

Could DH see her in the week?

And of course, congratulations! 💐

It sounds like you are putting an adult's mindset and emotional intelligence into a child's brain here OP. She is only 9 she she most lives in a world of trying to meet her needs in whatever way she can, often unconsciously. It sounds like she is picking up on and responding to changes in a completely age appropriate way ie change is making her feel anxious and to try to reduce these feelings she is doing what she can to minimise uncertainty.

She is acting like a normal 9 year old whose parents are divorced and who has a step mother in my experience. What is your husband doing to make her feel safe and secure? How is he upping his game to improve their relationship? You don't have to answer but I'd say the onus is on him and not you to work harder here.

But she was right wasn’t she? He reduced contact time because you didn’t want her there every weekend.

Is it possible for her dad to see her in the week?

I think the issue is that she’s a very in secret little girl and that won’t improve when her sibling comes along if steps aren’t taken to help her now.

When my sd was that age she was quite clingy and babyish. I just thought it was a natural reaction to me, to “sharing” her dad...all sorts of things really.

You don’t need to be there all the time. Of course you don’t. But is her dad actually spending time with her and giving her attention or is she just there with you making the effort to play etc?

Regarding the baby. For the first while at least, it won’t matter that she’s sharing him while the baby is a newborn. Including her as much as possible will make things easier for when baby is interacting more.

Do remember though that she’s only there what, six nights a month? And the baby will have his/her dad every single night!

Aside from anything else, for your own sake you need to get ok with her being there. She’s his daughter. That won’t change. She’s his daughter even when she’s being a pain in the arse! And you need to find a way to make your peace with that or the resentment will become unbearable.

And don’t forget this pandemic has destroyed so much for our children, and they don’t have the capacity to deal with it like we do.

I relate to what your going through. And yes have empathy for DSD, it is a thought time at the moment in general and she is probably just anxious. However that advice and the point of view that the child is the most important thing and they have to be kept happy ended up with me putting DSSs want for attention over my needs and at times my babies needs. I was so busy worrying about how hard life is for him and doing everything g to make sure he was ok that I ended up suicidal with post partum depression and have been signed off work. My 9 DSS is more attention seeking then my newborn was. So I'm going to say you need to nip it in the butt before the baby gets here.
Sit down and have a clam conversation with you DP about what you can handle and what you cant. Prioritise some quality time with DSD so in the morning you play 1 board game for 1 hour and in the afternoon you go to the park for an hour. Set out a list of 5 to 10 activities that you enjoy doing that you would be happy to do with DSD and decide on 1 morning and / or 1 afternoon activity a day. Outside of that DP is responsible for entertaining her while you look after yourself. You go for a bath or go and read a book or watch Netflix in a different room. You also need to work on DSD being able to entertain herself some of the time. At 7 ( when I was pregnant) we bought in independent reading in his room ( good for school work and gave us a break) We started at 15 minutes. If he came into the room we were in we simply said were having independent reading at the moment and told him to go back to it. We build that up to 2 half an hour stints on weekends.
Also at 9 does she do chores. DSS gets pocket money in exchange for 2 -3 chores a day. So if he is talking too much and I need a bit of quite time I send him to unload and load the dishwasher. It distracts him and takes the pressure off me to entertain.
Lastly get him involved with the baby. I was petrified DSS would drop the baby but we did safely have him on the couch with a grown up. We also used story time and nursery rhymes that we all sang together to build their relationship. DS is now 1 and idolised his big brother and DSS is great with him which also means I can use DSS to distract the baby while I do something like cook dinner.
I'm trying to rebuild the relationship with DSS that did become damaged by his attemtion seeking behaviours. I'm trying my best to focus on the things I like about him and when hes too much I say to DP that I'm overwhelmed and I need to go out for a walk. It's not perfect but communication with DP is going to be key here.

I feel quite sorry for this little girl tbh, and I think hiding your pregnancy for any length of time could do long term damage to your relationship with her. I don't believe that 9 year old children are manipulative in an adult sense. She is looking for security and not getting any. And tbh, I do think it's a bit shit that your partner was happy to drop a weekend. 6 days a month is nothing, particularly to a child.

Does she have a school place in school at the moment? Does she see any other children if not?

Either way lockdown is really taking its toll on children, not just step children

We build that up to 2 half an hour stints on weekends.

You made a 7 year old read alone for two hours at a time during contact weekends?! Maybe I misunderstood but that sounds quite extreme and harsh.

SC can be a pain, all kids are and it’s harder when they aren’t your own. The key is not to assume responsibility for them and leave it with their father. At the same time by allowing them a lot of time to spend together without your interference, it demonstrates respect for their relationship. Once you have your own DC and they grow up a bit, you will see how much they adore their older sibling and you will start to see them more in their eyes. Step parenting is tough, you need to remember who the actual parent is. I really doubt she would care you weren’t giving her attention if her father was properly engaged the whole time.

OP it sounds like you've been so lovely with her the way you describe playing games with her and going on holiday together etc. I'm not surprised given you're pregnant that you're feeling tired at the moment and less able to engage with these things as normal - how far along are you? If you're not showing I'm assuming early ish? I'm 33 weeks pregnant at the moment and my goodness those early months are draining! I found my own DD draining in those early days too.

Are you on good terms with SD's mum? Can you discuss with her and find out how she is at home, it might help to be on the same page.

I'm not sure I entirely agree that this is completely "normal" 9 year old behaviour, she sounds particularly insecurely attached. I say this from the perspective of knowing two little girls of that age from separated families - my own DD (now 14 but was back and forth between homes at that age), and also my own SD (now 11 but I knew her at that age). Neither of them would tell the other parent they'd been left for an hour when the reality was a 30 second conversation outside the room. So it sounds like something else is going on for this little girl. Being on the same page as her mum and discussing the issues jointly might help you all to come to a solution about what extra support your SD may need?

Oh and congratulations!

I've just seen that you mention she makes mum feel guilty for going to work too. Do you know this because mum has told you?

No 2 seperate half an hour stints so half an hour on a Saturday and half an hour on a Sunday when he was 7. Although we dont do it anymore but when he sees me and dad are busy he has learnt to go off and read himself so sometimes will disappear for an hour at a time.
Also in my case DSS is here 5 out of 14 nights in term and half of holidays so as far as I was concerned it was home not a holiday where he gets to be centre of attention all the time.

When I say normal, I mean normal in context. This isn't a happy little girl I agree. She is behaving appropriately for an unhappy 9 year old in this situation. I also agree it is for her parents to explore the reasons for this.

A 9 year old child should not be given the responsibility of deciding if contact happens. That is way too much responsibility and age inappropriate

I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner

Child sees her father 2 out of 7 days and you think she should somehow empathise with how important your alone time is? She’s 9. You quite openly state you have reduced her time with her dad. What next? Your choice of language is telling.

Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times

Her mother has been nasty, so you don't want to play with the child?

You've "done so much for her" and she "even" came on holiday with you and her dad?

Your language around this little girl is very telling.

What is it you think she owes you?