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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:
Kimye4eva · 03/03/2021 23:54

And I see an OP who is struggling with having a SD. If it’s obvious to me in her language that she doesn’t particularly like her SD then is probably pretty obvious to her too!

The SD gets 6 days out of 30/31 with her Dad. It’s no wonder she plays up. What happened to contact is supposed to be what’s best for the child? How is her Dad spending fewer weekends with her so that he can see his new girlfriend in her best interests?

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 23:57

How is her Dad spending fewer weekends with her so that he can see his new girlfriend in her best interests?

Could be in her best interests to get at least one weekend of quality time with her mum, especially if mum works full time.

SpongebobNoPants · 04/03/2021 00:06

@Kimye4eva that’s how you interpreted it.
Do you understand you can dislike a particular situation or new behaviour without disliking the actual person, right?
To me it reads that the OP is struggling with these new behaviours, not that she hates the child.

Today my 6yo was a grumpy, irritable and generally unpleasant to be around. Did I like his behaviour today? Absolutely not. Do I dislike him as a person? Absolutely not.

There is a difference.

Comments like yours are neither constructive or helpful. If you have no useful advice to offer it may be better for you to keep your thoughts to yourself.

To be clear, I don’t dislike you as a person Kimye... just your behaviour on here Grin

Aimee1987 · 04/03/2021 00:16

To be clear, I don’t dislike you as a person Kimye... just your behaviour on here grin
Haha brilliant

Hillary111 · 04/03/2021 07:54

@Aimee1987

To be clear, I don’t dislike you as a person Kimye... just your behaviour on here grin Haha brilliant
Ha very good sponge! Grin
EnoughnowIthink · 04/03/2021 08:25

She’s an exasperated, knackered pregnant woman dealing with a difficult stepchild at the moment

I don't believe a 9 year old is being deliberately difficult. More likely she is upset/frustrated/acting out....about something she probably doesn't even understand properly.

Do you believe the OP will be demanding understanding from her own child that she needs one weekend in four alone with her partner?

EnoughnowIthink · 04/03/2021 08:27

Could be in her best interests to get at least one weekend of quality time with her mum, especially if mum works full time

That's a decision for the parents. The step mum deciding her alone time with her husband/partner is more important than a child spending 2 days out of 7 with her dad is quite another.

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 09:02

When I say the girl I dont mean it nasty. English is not my first language at all and in my first language when we use phrase like this it is not meant in a nasty way. I didnt wish for it to come across negatively in my description. The issue I have with SD is I have spent all my free time with her and helping her etc for so long that when I don't do this for 2 to 3 times she gets moody and then says she doesn't want to see her dad. I feel this is unfair because its using it against me to get to her father. When I say I dont entertain her all the time anymore I mean I may have 2 hours to myself when she is here and the rest I do stuff with her. I think it may be an issue her parents need to sort out because I find I dont get left alone for 5 minutes by her unless I leave the house or I am in the bathroom!

OP posts:
Wondermule · 04/03/2021 09:06

Whether or not the SD is playing parents off, or being unreasonable, is sort of irrelevant - she is nine, she is navigating having separated parents, a stepmother, and now a new half sibling on the way. She’s going to feel insecure and jealous. The answer isn’t to make her feel more jealous and insecure, but to be very kind to her so she doesn’t feel the need to play up. Like I said, I find the way you call her ‘the girl’ to be very telling and quite cold.

People on here that didn’t have step parents as a child can hypothesise all they like about how much better behaved they would’ve been, but they’ve got no idea.

Glassempty · 04/03/2021 09:15

I find I dont get left alone for 5 minutes by her unless I leave the house or I am in the bathroom!

What's her dad doing while this is going on OP? How much time is he spending entertaining her?

dontdisturbmenow · 04/03/2021 09:20

She's bored, that's all. Some kids need more attention than others. My DD was like that. That's because she has an extreme need of mental stimulation and not an ounce of creativity, do struggled with occupying herself.

Yes it is annoying at times, but the more you push the child away, the more they'll crave the attention.

You need to work out the right balance. It's gift likely that her dad has find appeasement in getting you to take over giving her attention. He might not have given her much to start with, so she sherished it.

You were very keen at first. It was new, you were making a good i.otession with your new boyfriend winning his heart.

Now you're in an official relationship, pregnant and she is suddenly getting in the way. She is suddenly not only rejected by her dad but you too. Double blow.

You need to dedicate some special time with her, as her dad, and then ensure that she has clear means to entertain herself with what she enjoys. She needs to feel at home in your house rather than a guest who needs entertaining.

Ultimately, it's your OH who needs to react because she is not happy, and if coming at the weekends is more upset than fun, she will indeed start to say she doesn't want to come at all and it will be too late then, after many ignored warnings.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:23

When I say the girl I dont mean it nasty. English is not my first language at all and in my first language when we use phrase like this it is not meant in a nasty way. I didnt wish for it to come across negatively in my description.

Many of us were able to pick up on that OP, don't worry. Thanks

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:25

I think it may be an issue her parents need to sort out because I find I dont get left alone for 5 minutes by her unless I leave the house or I am in the bathroom!

It is definitely an issue the parents should be working together to resolve - it's not your responsibility. What does your DP say about it all?

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 09:26

Wow this sounds so difficult and I don't think anyone is doing your SD any favours to allow her to keep acting in this way. It sounds like she gets plenty of attention from both of you when she's with you.

I would encourage your DP to sit down and chat with her about why she's saying these things and why it upsets here when he even just has a chat with you.

It's not reasonable and not a good pattern of behaviour to allow her to continue, particularly as she will soon need to deal with having a new baby around who actually will need a lot of attention, and she will need to be able to deal with her dad tending to the baby at times.

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 09:28

With regards to the holiday it was with my mum and family and my bf came along and we invited the SD as she's never been on holiday before o was just trying to be nice. When we were there if I disnt buy something in the shop e g. Orangw juice SD would say if I wasn't spending it then it was more money for her!

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/03/2021 09:31

She's bored, that's all. Some kids need more attention than others. My DD was like that. That's because she has an extreme need of mental stimulation and not an ounce of creativity, do struggled with occupying herself.

I think it's a bit more than boredom if she's taking every opportunity she can to make out to her mum that she is being left out and unwanted when her dad even has a short conversation with his partner??

I understand the boredom in terms of her following people round and getting them to do things with her, but not when it comes to the lying and making out that OP and her DP don't want to see her.

Seems like she is struggling to deal with her dad having a partner and is saying these things to try and stop them interacting with each other or doing things together without her. Her parents shouldregular chats with her and reassure her that she's not being pushed out and everyone wants to spend time with her. Especially important with a baby on the way as in the current scenario it's pretty likely she will hit the roof when she finds out.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 04/03/2021 09:32

She is 9 years old and you sound like your pushing her out just in time for the baby to come. She had just weekends with her dad until you came along and that was reduced too 3 weekend instead so you could spend time with your other half, so she was not incorrect was she?

It's not a competition between you, she will always come first.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 04/03/2021 09:34

Posted again too soon!

Also it's her dads house as well not just 'your home'

Poor girl, you clearly want your new little family not to include her.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:35

With regards to the holiday it was with my mum and family and my bf came along and we invited the SD as she's never been on holiday before o was just trying to be nice.

That's so kind of you. You're clearly trying. This little girl has some attachment insecurities in my view that are clearly manifesting in her behaviour as over clinginess and need for constant attention from what you've described (would also be useful to know if this predates Covid or not), but I think you really do need to step back for your own sanity and get DP to work together with her Mum to figure out what's going on.

What's her behaviour like at Mum's? You mentioned she doesn't like her mum going to work and makes her feel guilty for doing this - how does this show in her behaviour, what is she doing / saying etc?

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:40

When I say I dont entertain her all the time anymore I mean I may have 2 hours to myself when she is here and the rest I do stuff with her.

I dont get left alone for 5 minutes by her unless I leave the house or I am in the bathroom!

This is what's standing out to me. It sounds like the behaviour of a much younger child of around 3/4 years, IMO. Something isn't quite right with a need for that level of constant adult input at that age - needing 100% of your time and attention and following you to the bathroom etc. This is why I'm wondering about attachment insecurity.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:41

@Bibidy I totally agree - boredom is too simplistic here.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 04/03/2021 09:43

@Aimee1987

I relate to what your going through. And yes have empathy for DSD, it is a thought time at the moment in general and she is probably just anxious. However that advice and the point of view that the child is the most important thing and they have to be kept happy ended up with me putting DSSs want for attention over my needs and at times my babies needs. I was so busy worrying about how hard life is for him and doing everything g to make sure he was ok that I ended up suicidal with post partum depression and have been signed off work. My 9 DSS is more attention seeking then my newborn was. So I'm going to say you need to nip it in the butt before the baby gets here. Sit down and have a clam conversation with you DP about what you can handle and what you cant. Prioritise some quality time with DSD so in the morning you play 1 board game for 1 hour and in the afternoon you go to the park for an hour. Set out a list of 5 to 10 activities that you enjoy doing that you would be happy to do with DSD and decide on 1 morning and / or 1 afternoon activity a day. Outside of that DP is responsible for entertaining her while you look after yourself. You go for a bath or go and read a book or watch Netflix in a different room. You also need to work on DSD being able to entertain herself some of the time. At 7 ( when I was pregnant) we bought in independent reading in his room ( good for school work and gave us a break) We started at 15 minutes. If he came into the room we were in we simply said were having independent reading at the moment and told him to go back to it. We build that up to 2 half an hour stints on weekends. Also at 9 does she do chores. DSS gets pocket money in exchange for 2 -3 chores a day. So if he is talking too much and I need a bit of quite time I send him to unload and load the dishwasher. It distracts him and takes the pressure off me to entertain. Lastly get him involved with the baby. I was petrified DSS would drop the baby but we did safely have him on the couch with a grown up. We also used story time and nursery rhymes that we all sang together to build their relationship. DS is now 1 and idolised his big brother and DSS is great with him which also means I can use DSS to distract the baby while I do something like cook dinner. I'm trying to rebuild the relationship with DSS that did become damaged by his attemtion seeking behaviours. I'm trying my best to focus on the things I like about him and when hes too much I say to DP that I'm overwhelmed and I need to go out for a walk. It's not perfect but communication with DP is going to be key here.
Poor little boy blaming him for your depression?
LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:43

@EnoughnowIthink

Could be in her best interests to get at least one weekend of quality time with her mum, especially if mum works full time

That's a decision for the parents. The step mum deciding her alone time with her husband/partner is more important than a child spending 2 days out of 7 with her dad is quite another.

It sounds like Dad had some input in the decision, too. I don't think OP unilaterally decided this - if Dad had wanted to oppose it, he could have surely.

Glassempty · 04/03/2021 09:46

I'd still like to know what the dad is doing while his DD is following OP around?

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:47

I was so busy worrying about how hard life is for him and doing everything g to make sure he was ok that I ended up suicidal with post partum depression and have been signed off work.

I'm so sorry to hear this Aimee. Thanks
I hope your are doing better now x