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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:
LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:32

There are plenty of kids not behaving normally at the moment. Sounds like she’s an only child so she will not be getting to hang out with any other kids at all at the moment. I don’t think she’s unusual in that situation for craving more adult attention.

That argument would carry more weight if OP hadn't just explained that Mum doesn't do much with her at home and this predates Covid and predates the parents' separation.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:34

It’s not really surprising she wants full on attention with you both when it’s only 6 days out of the whole month.

AND when you add into the mix a mum who's "favourite hobby is sleeping" in the little girl's words, and that she doesn't do much with her.

SpongebobNoPants · 04/03/2021 10:37

@SakuraEdenSwan1 wow. That’s what you took from Aimie’s post??!
Vile.

SpongebobNoPants · 04/03/2021 10:38

It’s not really surprising she wants full on attention with you both when it’s only 6 days out of the whole month
Also because her mother sounds a bit detached. Poor child probably needs that 1 weekend a month for her and her DM to bond! Doesn’t sound like they do much together.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:38

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@SakuraEdenSwan1 wow. That’s what you took from Aimie’s post??!
Vile.[/quote]

I agree. Dreadful comment.

Branleuse · 04/03/2021 10:39

i think 8 to about 12 is a really hard age for girls. Still really young, yet theyre hormone central. They can be clingy. Shes also really insecure it seems and youre trying to nest about your new baby.
I think theres a thing that happens with some people when they have their own baby when their animal instinct is to push the older children that arent theirs, out. Ive seen it in loads of threads and loads of people in real life too. You need to be aware if this is happening so you dont do it and can check yourself as its not fair on the kid.
There will be loads of times that she will test your patience and you wont necessarily have the backup unconditional love to grin and bear these periods, but its imperitive you do what you can to get through it

SpongebobNoPants · 04/03/2021 10:51

@Branleuse absolutely agree. She also needs to discuss it with her partner if she’s struggling because ultimately SD is his responsibility. He should comfortably do all the discipline and help enforce the OP’s personal boundaries.

Sittingonabench · 04/03/2021 11:13

I would suggest you need to put in boundaries now in preparation for the baby coming. You need to extract yourself and your attention slowly but firmly because once baby arrives you will not be able to give her your full attention and it is better to deal with the blow out in advance. She needs to understand that she can’t have all of the attention all of the time and if she plays up about it then let her, don’t cave! From what I can see you are all enabling her to have this attitude and she is in control because when she complains you react. Speak with her and explain what and why. Go out with your friends one weekend and explain it’s something you need and when she says it’s not what she wants explain you understand that and while you love your time with her you also need to give your friends some attention or they’ll be sad.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 11:15

I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her!

How is that a lie when you said in your OP that she came every weekend until you stopped her one weekend a month because you wanted time alone together for a weekend? She told the truth, its you that is lying.

SpongebobNoPants · 04/03/2021 11:18

@AtSwimTwoBerts she’s not lying, if you bothered to read down then the OP says her DP had asked SD if she wanted to come for that weekend and SD said no, but then blamed the OP and DP for not wanting her there.
I know English isn’t OP’s first language but the post really isn’t difficult to understand if you’re not scanning it and cherry picking parts to suit your own agenda.

UhtredRagnarson · 04/03/2021 11:20

Poor girl.

Aimee1987 · 04/03/2021 11:20

@SakuraEdenSwan1
I think your misreading my post I dont blame him for me developing postpartum depression. I blame the circumstances which are propagated by the situation of the feelings that 1 member of the feeling of 1 member of the household are placed above all else including the wellbeing of other members of the family. A family should not centre around 1 child this does not benifit the parent or child. It is important to put boundaries in place. If you read my post I have said to prioritise quality time over quantity ensure the child is not felt left out. To include the DSC in things with the baby. I highlight that putting the boundaries in place with DSS have greatly improved my relationship with him. I will also say that DSS is far happier in himself since we put more boundaries in place. he has learnt to not rely completly on the attention of adults for his self esteem so the meltdowns when he is not centre of attention are gone which is good for him.

I do wonder if this was posted about a biological child would I get the same responses / would the OP or would people be more willing to offer helpfull ways to adress the behaviour of a child who is struggling rather then just say that it's the adults fault and bararte them.

Original poster
Alice18 · 04/03/2021 11:20

@AtSwimTwoBerts its because with that particular weekend in question SD was asked if she wanted to come here and she said no. There was no prior talk about that weekend that she wouldn't come here etc it was left down to SD to make the decision. That's why I don't know why she said that comment as it wasn't the case rbat weekend. Also with the weekends she doesn't come here her dad never says to her she is not coming that weekend because of him or me or anything he always asks her in advance if she wants to come here. I think the situation is he let's her make the decisions about when she wants to come here. When she is here she doesn't have a bed time and by partner says to her at 10pm for her to go to bed and she says not yet and he allows that. That is annoying for me an I have told him if its bed time he is her parent he needs to set the rules not her

OP posts:
Kimye4eva · 04/03/2021 11:21

I do think it’s about the limited time and spending what sounds like a lot of time on her own when she’s with her mum.

DC1 went through a phase a bit like this. On the weekend they only wanted to play with their Dad. If we tried to have a conversation we got “don’t talk to Mummy!” It was very irritating. But then it just stopped. Kids go through lots of phases and rarely do they last that long (although feels like an eternity at the time!)

Original poster
Alice18 · 04/03/2021 11:23

SD sometimes watches TV and cartoons and plays video games but she always needs someone's around to talk to during this time. Say I go to do the dishes or her father does she will call us back to the other room to watch her watching TV or playing a game

OP posts:
blackcurrantjam · 04/03/2021 11:25

Why is dd at yours every weekend bar one OP? Confused

Who moved 2.5hrs away? Mum or Dad?

Children communicate through their behaviour. She doesn't sound very happy. Some of it might be normal due to age, hormones etc but it sounds like some of it might be a (normal and appropriate) reaction to the situation.

Your dp has a responsibility here. To his daughter.

Kimye4eva · 04/03/2021 11:25

Is she scared of being alone? Rather than seeking attention? That could also explain the reluctance to go to bed (although that’s pretty common!)

blackcurrantjam · 04/03/2021 11:27

Just read your latest post. She's almost got too much choice re contact and bedtimes. My guess is your DP is wracked with guilt and is not putting in appropriate parental boundaries.

blackcurrantjam · 04/03/2021 11:28

Has she got friends she can talk to online. If she likes gaming, dp can get her a headset?

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 11:38

[quote Aimee1987]@SakuraEdenSwan1
I think your misreading my post I dont blame him for me developing postpartum depression. I blame the circumstances which are propagated by the situation of the feelings that 1 member of the feeling of 1 member of the household are placed above all else including the wellbeing of other members of the family. A family should not centre around 1 child this does not benifit the parent or child. It is important to put boundaries in place. If you read my post I have said to prioritise quality time over quantity ensure the child is not felt left out. To include the DSC in things with the baby. I highlight that putting the boundaries in place with DSS have greatly improved my relationship with him. I will also say that DSS is far happier in himself since we put more boundaries in place. he has learnt to not rely completly on the attention of adults for his self esteem so the meltdowns when he is not centre of attention are gone which is good for him.

I do wonder if this was posted about a biological child would I get the same responses / would the OP or would people be more willing to offer helpfull ways to adress the behaviour of a child who is struggling rather then just say that it's the adults fault and bararte them.[/quote]

You make an interesting point Aimee and I strongly suspect that if you were referring to your own son in the exact same scenario you describe around the circumstances of your postnatal illness, say for example on the parenting board, you would never ever have a comment such as "so you blame your son for your PND?" thrown at you. It's disgusting that comments such as that are aimed at SMs, as though they aren't allowed to be humans with emotional and MH needs too.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 11:48

[quote Alice18]@AtSwimTwoBerts its because with that particular weekend in question SD was asked if she wanted to come here and she said no. There was no prior talk about that weekend that she wouldn't come here etc it was left down to SD to make the decision. That's why I don't know why she said that comment as it wasn't the case rbat weekend. Also with the weekends she doesn't come here her dad never says to her she is not coming that weekend because of him or me or anything he always asks her in advance if she wants to come here. I think the situation is he let's her make the decisions about when she wants to come here. When she is here she doesn't have a bed time and by partner says to her at 10pm for her to go to bed and she says not yet and he allows that. That is annoying for me an I have told him if its bed time he is her parent he needs to set the rules not her[/quote]

The bedtime thing sounds frustrating but from how you've described her mum's apparent disengagement, I'm wondering how strict mum is with the bedtime routine?

If you imagine the time split here - for 80% of the time, your SD seemingly has little activity or involvement by her mum if mum is sleeping a lot and telling her to go to her room etc. So is it unreasonable to suspect bedtime at mum's might not be the strictest affair with a lot of input either. Is she left to her own devices at home with mum in terms of bedtime? If so, enforcing bedtime at your house is going to be tricky for the remaining 20% of the month because she's just not used to those boundaries. But she needs to be - in both homes.

Consistency across the homes is what's needed to tackle that really otherwise DP is likely to be up against it. He needs to communicate with Mum about what happens at her house.

And he also needs to start putting in a regular, consistent bedtime when she's with you, or at least trying rather than just allowing her just to stay up late etc for an easier life.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 11:59

ts because with that particular weekend in question SD was asked if she wanted to come here and she said no. There was no prior talk about that weekend that she wouldn't come here etc it was left down to SD to make the decision. That's why I don't know why she said that comment as it wasn't the case rbat weekend. Also with the weekends she doesn't come here her dad never says to her she is not coming that weekend because of him or me or anything he always asks her in advance if she wants to come here

That doesn't make sense with your OP, you said she came every weekend but you changed it to 3 out of 4 weekends because you wanted time with your boyfriend.
Now you're saying it was just some random weekend that she decided not to come and she decides wheterh she comes or not.

Can't be both.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 12:01

There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep

This sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong, OP) that at mum's she sleeps in the bed with mum?

Just with you saying she has to sleep in her own room when she's with you - I'm guessing that's not the expectation when she's at mums?

Original poster
Alice18 · 04/03/2021 12:08

@AtSwimTwoBerts we have never told SD she doesn't come 1 weekend a month becausee we don't want her there my partner told her because he works night shift on rotation that is the reason why as ge was finishing work 6am then travelling there straight after and becauae she needs attention all the time he had no time to rest .My partner communicated to her and asked her if she wanted to be there the particular weekend in question and she said no. So she didn't want to come that particular weekend in question and then started saying all those things to her mum which are not true. The weekend she said all this stuff was on a weekend she was meant to come to us

OP posts:
AtSwimTwoBerts · 04/03/2021 12:11

we have never told SD she doesn't come 1 weekend a month becausee we don't want her there my partner told her because he works night shift on rotation that is the reason why as ge was finishing work 6am then travelling there straight after and becauae she needs attention all the time he had no time to rest

So you lied to her but she worked it out anyway?

YOU SAID you dropped her one weekend a month because you wnated time alone. Then you said she lied when she told her mother you dropped her one weekend a month so you could have time alone.
Now you're saying that actually you lied to her and gave her a fake reason why you dropped her.

You really should decide your story before posting.