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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:

Original poster

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 09:49

To everyone who thinks I feel its a competition or I am trying to push her out this is not my intention at all. In regards to her not coming to us 1 weekend a month this was never so that I could have time with her dad it was mostly because even though she lives with mum she was never spending any time with her. My partner also works night shifts sometimes and it was too much for him to finish work at 6am and travel 2.5 hojr return journey to get her straight after with no rest and it was making him exhausted and ill.When SD always needs my attention and I tell my bf I just need a break sometimes he says ye but thats just what she is like. I understand we all have our own personalities but its not right that I am constantly the one having to entertain her. Her dad does stuff with her too but if me and her dad have a quick chat she will always interrupt and say 'dad'or tap my arm. Her dad does tell her to wait untill we have finished talking and then we will answer her (like in a normal situation) but she keeps tapping my arm. When her dad and I have a conversation at the very most its 30 seconds so its not very long for her to wait.
Also alot of the time when me or her dad have finished playing a game with her, 10 seconds later she will say she is bored! We play with her, take her for walks, take her horse riding, keep her entertained. My issue is her behaviour we do all this for her and then my partner and I have a conversation for 30 seconds and now she turns that into her not wanting to come here on weekends? I don't think that's normal behaviour and she needs helps to resolve this. When she acts like this it really upsets my partner and upsets me. Even her own mother said she is problematic towards her and has no authority over the daughter with her behaviour as she can be so difficult

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 04/03/2021 09:52

OP your DP isn't parenting his daughter well.

All kids tell tales about adults who take care of them. The trick is for the adults who are being told tales of another adult is not to indulge this. So for example if she is telling you a tale (complaint) about her mum you need to stop her, make it clear that you don't want to hear this and change the subject. If she doesn't stop then step away from her and busy yourself doing something else.

If the parents actually can communicate with each other, they need to agree that if their daughter tells tales/complains about the other parent's or the other parent's household to them, they will tell their daughter to talk to that parent and not mention it to the other parent themselves.

If she is start telling tales about being sick in the week or whatever, then your DP needs to tell her that he will ring her mum now to check. He then should immediately ring her mum with her in the room and check. Doing that a couple of times should stop her telling these tales.
(Her mum then can do likewise.)

If the parents don't communicate with each other then your DP needs to tell his daughter to talk to her mum if she is unhappy with anything her mum does. If her mum brings up stuff with him about him, you or his household he needs to tell her mum it's none of her business and he will talk to his daughter himself.

In regards to her always wanting attention - is there are anything she likes doing so she can engross herself in it on her own? Your DP needs to find things she can do on her own that she likes doing when she is with him. However if it is something like watching certain TV programs or playing computer games he needs to limit the amount of time she does it to avoid causing problems in the future.

femfemlicious · 04/03/2021 09:53

Oh dear i havent read all the replies but i hope you have your fire retardant suit and helmet on....you are about to be roasted alive.

To be honest i dont like the way you keep calling her this /the girl/child

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:55

In regards to her not coming to us 1 weekend a month this was never so that I could have time with her dad it was mostly because even though she lives with mum she was never spending any time with her. My partner also works night shifts sometimes and it was too much for him to finish work at 6am and travel 2.5 hojr return journey to get her straight after with no rest and it was making him exhausted and ill.

I just knew there was a bigger picture to the contact arrangement. I can't personally imagine it being in my own daughter's best interests to never spend a weekend with me and every weekend at her dads. We'd never have any mum-daughter quality time if that were the case.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:57

Even her own mother said she is problematic towards her and has no authority over the daughter with her behaviour as she can be so difficult

This is worrying too. Mum needs support with this longer term as this is only going to get more out of control for her as SD gets into her teen years.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 09:59

@femfemlicious

Oh dear i havent read all the replies but i hope you have your fire retardant suit and helmet on....you are about to be roasted alive

To be honest i dont like the way you keep calling her this /the girl/child

OP has explained that English is not her first language and that in her own language it's considered normal to use this phrasing so I wish people would stop commenting on that. It's becoming rude given she has explained this now.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 10:02

@SakuraEdenSwan1

She is 9 years old and you sound like your pushing her out just in time for the baby to come. She had just weekends with her dad until you came along and that was reduced too 3 weekend instead so you could spend time with your other half, so she was not incorrect was she?

It's not a competition between you, she will always come first.

Honestly what are you talking about? All of your comments have been totally unjustified.

At no point has OP said she doesn't want her SD around or that she wants to push her out. Her SD said she didn't want to come that weekend, it wasn't OP saying she didn't want her to come.

You are just purposely putting hurtful comments to OP and also Aimee.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:02

We play with her, take her for walks, take her horse riding, keep her entertained. My issue is her behaviour we do all this for her and then my partner and I have a conversation for 30 seconds and now she turns that into her not wanting to come here on weekends? I don't think that's normal behaviour and she needs helps to resolve this.

Agreed - it sounds like you do a lot with her and that level of input is still not enough. Does mum do similar levels of activity / input with her?

Original poster

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 10:03

@femfemlicious thank you for your reply but my reasoning for this I've previously explained English is not my first language and in my language when we refer to the girl it is not meant nasty. From being on here I have learned its not a good phrase in English so I know in future not to say like this

OP posts:

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:03

You are just purposely putting hurtful comments to OP and also Aimee.

The comment to Aimee, someone struggling with a postpartum illness, was completely out of order.

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2021 10:07

I would ignore all the comments telling you this is all fine because she's 9 and misses her dad OP 🙄 Her behaviour sounds really bad. The lying in particular. If her mum is aware she lies rather than drinking in every word that will help, but all the adults need to crack down on the lying, firm words, taking away privileges etc.

She may feel she wants attention all the time but she absolutely needs to get used to not having it. You must not be bullied out of having a 5 minute conversation by a 9 year old tyrant. Assuming she gets an actually appropriate amount of attention from him, he needs to be having reassuring words with her, but ultimately remind her that adults are perfectly entitled to talk to each other as well, and she cannot behave the way she is.

Original poster

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 10:07

@LucieStar her mum doesn't do nearly as much as we do. She tells her to go to her room or she takes her for a walk, this was pre covid too. SD has told me in the past at home no one does anything with her. That's one of the reasons I want to do alot with her and help her but I feel even though we do lots of activities its never enough for her unfortunately

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 04/03/2021 10:09

@Alice18 my bad im sorry i hadnt read all the replies. I was just reading through and people havent been as angry as i thought they would be. I think people who dont have kids have no idea how kids can really be. You just have to figure it out and stay consistent and calm with her. Show her love .

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:09

[quote Alice18]@LucieStar her mum doesn't do nearly as much as we do. She tells her to go to her room or she takes her for a walk, this was pre covid too. SD has told me in the past at home no one does anything with her. That's one of the reasons I want to do alot with her and help her but I feel even though we do lots of activities its never enough for her unfortunately[/quote]

And therein lies the significant problem.

Why is mum doing nothing with her? Do you know if this is definitely true or could SD be lying about this in the way she lies about what's happening at yours?

Hillary111 · 04/03/2021 10:10

@aSofaNearYou

All of this

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:11

I was just reading through and people havent been as angry as i thought they would be.

What does this mean?

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:12

@aSofaNearYou

I agree, the behaviour isn't remotely fine. It needs addressing by both parents, working together.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 04/03/2021 10:13

There needs to be a balance.You and your dp need to make her feel wanted and give her attention when she's with you but also she is old enough to know that there is nothing wrong with adults talking or doing other things whilst she's there and shouldn't make you feel bad about it.Its a tricky one.

Original poster

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 10:15

@femfemlicious I didn't ask my question for people to be angry with me as you suggested. I just wanted some advice on my situation as its my real life at the moment and I am stressed and have worries. I am very thankful for everyone who has commented to offer me advice in a kind manner

OP posts:

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:17

When SD always needs my attention and I tell my bf I just need a break sometimes he says ye but thats just what she is like.

See, if I said to my DP I was finding SD a bit intense and I needed a break (especially if I was pregnant as you are), he would respond with "of course, I'll take her out somewhere and keep her entertained for the day so you can put your feet up" etc... "Yeah that's just what she's like" is quite unhelpful to you - he isn't supporting you OP. And this isn't your child.

Original poster

Alice18 · 04/03/2021 10:22

@LucieStar as far as I am aware her mother has never really done that much with her entertaining wise. My partner said when they were together before he would spend all the quality time with the daughter and her mum would sleep unless it was to go clothes shopping! Even SD has said her mums favourite hobby is sleeping lol. I understand we all love our rest and sleep but I think by her not entertaining her before her parents separated maybe SD thinks only dad should be the one entertaining her and mum doing not much is normal? I suggested to my partner that he and her mum talk to SD together about all of this because since they separated her behaviour has never been addressed by them together. My partner doesn't want to do this as he doesn't like her mum and I understand but maybe she needs to see even though mum and dad are not together she still needs to listen to them both

OP posts:

Anydreamwilldo12 · 04/03/2021 10:28

It sounds like you are being a lovely SM to his little girl despite all the attention seeking and upset.
Why don't you just go out on your own for a couple of hours on a weekend.
Let your partner spend time alone with his daughter and give her all the attention she craves and give yourself a bit of a breather from the pressure

Kimye4eva · 04/03/2021 10:29

There are plenty of kids not behaving normally at the moment. Sounds like she’s an only child so she will not be getting to hang out with any other kids at all at the moment. I don’t think she’s unusual in that situation for craving more adult attention. My older DC is certainly more difficult to deal with at the moment and that’s without dealing with their parents being separated, a relatively new SM and they have a younger sibling at home for company.

I would honestly wait until she’s back at school and see if things settle down a bit.

I’m not sure spending less time with her at the current time is the answer. Is there anyway her Dad can spend some time with her during the week? It’s not really surprising she wants full on attention with you both when it’s only 6 days out of the whole month.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 10:30

[quote Alice18]@LucieStar as far as I am aware her mother has never really done that much with her entertaining wise. My partner said when they were together before he would spend all the quality time with the daughter and her mum would sleep unless it was to go clothes shopping! Even SD has said her mums favourite hobby is sleeping lol. I understand we all love our rest and sleep but I think by her not entertaining her before her parents separated maybe SD thinks only dad should be the one entertaining her and mum doing not much is normal? I suggested to my partner that he and her mum talk to SD together about all of this because since they separated her behaviour has never been addressed by them together. My partner doesn't want to do this as he doesn't like her mum and I understand but maybe she needs to see even though mum and dad are not together she still needs to listen to them both[/quote]

This little girl's attachment insecurity is making more sense now.

She's got a mum who's never really done anything with her, and still isn't, and then comes to you and her Dad 3 weekends a month and understandably wants / expects full on 100% attention because she's not getting this at her main home, bless her.

But - None of that is your or DP's problem to solve by yourselves- you can't control what does and doesn't happen at Mum's, which is likely to be having a huge impact on SD.

DP needs to understand that regardless of how little he likes his daughter's mum, he has a responsibility to co parent with her in a civil manner, for his daughter's sake. There were times my exDP did my head in - couldn't stand to be in his company - but I had to sit down with him and discuss our DD when it was needed because if we weren't on the same page, that wasn't in her best interests at all.

I sympathise - you're in a very tough situation here and it seems very much "on your shoulders" to resolve. It shouldn't be. SD has 2 parents who need to both work together on this.

SpongebobNoPants · 04/03/2021 10:31

It's not a competition between you, she will always come first
Nope, it doesn’t work like that if you intend to have a healthy relationship. It’s a balancing act and I think carving out one weekend a month due his partner is actually quite a good balance.
Yes OP knew he had a child but then again her partner also knew he had a child and would have no business dating anyone if he wasn’t willing to occasionally put his partner’s needs first too.

Any, I got side tracked... you sound like you’re doing a lot for her and have good intentions. Your DP needs to step up more and keep her occupied so you can get some peace too. It’s lovely she wants to spend so much time with you but ultimately the contact time is so she can spend time with her dad. You’re just a nice added extra.

It’s worrying that her mum is struggling. Do you think her mum could be reasonable with your DP? Could they sit down together amicably and discuss the best way to move forward?
It can’t be much fun for mum either if the little one is playing you all off against each other and situations like that only happen when there’s not proper communication between the parents.

My DS has tried to play my ex and I off against each other but because we communicate then it’s quickly nipped in the bud.

Honestly the key is to be consistent. Kids push their boundaries to test and see where they are. If those boundaries are firm and consistent then they get bored of pushing them and just learn to accept them. With that acceptance comes a sense of security and happiness for the child.

Your DP needs to step up here and sort this out before the baby arrives. House rules, him doing activities with her alone to give you a break, pulling her up if she lies about you or things that have happened.

Keep doing what you’re doing and get DP to step up and it’ll all settle down.

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