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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step child needs 100% attention

231 replies

Alice18 · 03/03/2021 16:46

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/03/2021 13:40

@dontdisturbmenow

I think it's a bit more than boredom if she's taking every opportunity she can to make out to her mum that she is being left out and unwanted when her dad even has a short conversation with his partner?? It's very easy to assume you give a child of attention when you are not yet a parent yet.

My sister is 16 years younger than me. I babysat quite regularly and I used to think exactly like OP, that she wanted non stop attention and had a serious issue with needing attention.

When I had my own and realised how overbearing looking after kids is, I realised that I didn't give my sister half the attention I was convinced I was then.

I have 2 SCs, they are 7 and 11.

They love attention and want us to watch them doing things - as all kids do - but they don't go home to their mum and tell her that we leave them alone for hours and don't do anything with them when it isn't true.

I can absolutely have a conversation with their dad without either of them jumping in to cut us off or sulking because we are speaking about something else that isn't them.

This isn't normal behaviour from a 9-year-old child.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 13:50

@Bibidy

Same. I have a DD(14) who's been back and forth between 2 homes since she was 2yo. I also have 2 SCs (13 & 11) - I was in both their lives at the age of 9 (youngest is a girl), and never have we had anything close to this type of behaviour to deal with. In fact, they're all really independent kids who can be left for hours doing their own thing sometimes- especially the two eldest - we barely know they're around sometimes! And neither my DD nor SD at the age of 9 would have responded in this way at the 2 adults having a conversation that didn't involve them. The cosleeping thing is also huge here - none of our 3 kids have ever done this.

Aimee1987 · 04/03/2021 13:51

I also agree that some professional help could benifit her. She is displaying an incredibly high amount of anxiety.

Regarding the lies shes telling, what happens when she lies? Does she get attention for lying? If it's getting her attention at mums even negative attention it may be why she is doing it.
The best thing we found with DSS was to state that lying was not acceptable but not alliw him to gain any attention from the lying. If the attention is coming from her other home and gaining her the attention she desires I'm afraid I dont know if there is anything you can do. Kids learn from behaviour and if an action gives them an outcome they want the will try to replicate it.

You could try emphasising the boy who cried wolf but I fear that at 9 she knows what she is doing is wrong she just doesnt care.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 13:54

[quote LucieStar]@Bibidy

Same. I have a DD(14) who's been back and forth between 2 homes since she was 2yo. I also have 2 SCs (13 & 11) - I was in both their lives at the age of 9 (youngest is a girl), and never have we had anything close to this type of behaviour to deal with. In fact, they're all really independent kids who can be left for hours doing their own thing sometimes- especially the two eldest - we barely know they're around sometimes! And neither my DD nor SD at the age of 9 would have responded in this way at the 2 adults having a conversation that didn't involve them. The cosleeping thing is also huge here - none of our 3 kids have ever done this. [/quote]
We had some issues with the co-sleeping thing with my younger SC.

Her mum is single so never had a problem with SD getting into bed with her as there was plenty of space, but it has massively impacted SD's ability to sleep alone. She struggles to fall asleep without a presence next to her and also freaks out if she wakes during the night. Someone has to sit with her the whole time while she falls asleep, even if she reawakens in the middle of the night.

It hasn't done her any favours at all.

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2021 14:03

*They changed the weekends so that SD also has a weekend with her mum, but SD has an issue thinking of her dad spending that weekend with his partner. That makes total sense.

I don't understand the people who are arguing that SD's behaviour in this scenario is normal and fine? This child is clearly really struggling and needs reassurance from her parents that people still love and care about her even when they are doing the washing up or having a conversation about something else!!

It's so easy for posters to come here and stick the boot into OP even though she has said multiple times she cares about her SD and does loads with her, but none of your posts are actually useful when it comes to helping this little girl not feel like she needs people to be with her or watching her do things at all times to feel like they want her around. That is something that she needs to move away from.*

Great post, couldn't agree more.

Beetlewing · 04/03/2021 14:04

She sounds like she's scared she's going to be rejected by her dad.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 14:06

*Her mum is single so never had a problem with SD getting into bed with her as there was plenty of space, but it has massively impacted SD's ability to sleep alone. She struggles to fall asleep without a presence next to her and also freaks out if she wakes during the night. Someone has to sit with her the whole time while she falls asleep, even if she reawakens in the middle of the night.

It hasn't done her any favours at all.*

No, it won't have helped her at all. It contributes to attachment insecurity (in some but not all cases), as the child can really struggle to self soothe as they get older.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 14:11

@LucieStar

*Her mum is single so never had a problem with SD getting into bed with her as there was plenty of space, but it has massively impacted SD's ability to sleep alone. She struggles to fall asleep without a presence next to her and also freaks out if she wakes during the night. Someone has to sit with her the whole time while she falls asleep, even if she reawakens in the middle of the night.

It hasn't done her any favours at all.*

No, it won't have helped her at all. It contributes to attachment insecurity (in some but not all cases), as the child can really struggle to self soothe as they get older.

Yep that's exactly it. Even if she wakes during the night she won't roll over and go back to sleep, she calls DP immediately.

I feel like children from separated families do suffer more from people giving in to what they want rather than helping them achieve what is best for them, and this thread is a perfect example. It's not good for a little girl to feel and behave this way, and yet people are still saying the answer is for all adults around her to pander to her and let every minute of the time she's with her dad revolve around her entirely.

It's not realistic and it won't help her, especially when she's about to find out there's another baby on the way.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 14:12

@Bibidy

Entirely agree with you.

forrestgreen · 04/03/2021 14:12

I'd accept that SS is t where most 9yr olds would be.
Accept that she currently needs a lot of input.
Set up a game, playdough etc and set a timer of playing with her for five minutes, have some washing up to do and set her a timer of five minutes playing independently like a big girl. It helps if she can see someone. Build it up slowly.

But this contact time is time for her to see and play with her dad, not her new step mum. So it's ok to pick up a book and say I'm reading for an hour, it's daddy time.

You've avoided talking about how involved dad is with her, just repeating the issues. I think the issues are different, mums parenting is seemingly quite clingy, dad doesn't seem to parent without your input? Could be wrong

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 14:16

@Bibidy

In fact , my own SM (from my teen years) did this with my half brother from when she and my Dad split - she allowed him to share her bed. It was more about her feeling lonely and wanting someone close to her after the separation. My half brother is now 21, and he still to this day struggles with being apart from my SM. He's a highly anxious young man who constantly worries about his mum being "OK". It breaks my heart for him.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 14:21

@LucieStar

*@Bibidy*

In fact , my own SM (from my teen years) did this with my half brother from when she and my Dad split - she allowed him to share her bed. It was more about her feeling lonely and wanting someone close to her after the separation. My half brother is now 21, and he still to this day struggles with being apart from my SM. He's a highly anxious young man who constantly worries about his mum being "OK". It breaks my heart for him.

That's sad, and I bet it will all have been done under the guise of 'what your brother wanted'. It's a shame when parents feel it's ok to rely on their child that way.
Original poster
Alice18 · 04/03/2021 15:40

I really do care about SD its the behaviour I feel needs addressing by her parents. Slightly out of context but since she has been living with her mum its seems there has been a very bad affect with SD's teeth and hasn't been taking care of them and kept complaining of tooth ache to her mum and grandparents who she lives with and they did nothing. Her father and I were not aware of this untill she started complaining of toothache so I told my partner she has to go to the dentist as she is in pain and saying she has black teeth. I spoke with her and we brush our teeth together now as she said she doesn't know how to do it properly. Her mum refused to take her to the dentist as she had to work so my partner took the day off work (which is the right thing to do, he has to work too but wasn't going to use the excuse her mother made!) The little girl health is more important she does have tantrums like a toddler in a big way if she is told she is going to the dentist and it is difficult but I explained to her there is nothing to be frightened of.As a result she has to have multiple teeth removed under general anaesthetic. This made me feel very upset that her mouth was in this state so I always make sure her and I brush our teeth together so that I can make sure she is looking after them. I explained she needs to do this at home too. I juat feel her mum needs to set examples at home first not me trying to do it all

OP posts:
LucieStar · 04/03/2021 15:52

OP your latest update is extremely concerning. This little girl is being neglected by her mother. She should not have black teeth and needing to have multiple teeth removed at the age of 9; and she should know how to brush her teeth at this age. Well done you though for helping her and trying to show her how to brush her teeth.

Your latest update sits so uncomfortably with me. Her main home environment is not suitable if she's not having her basic needs met. Mum desperately needs some parenting support.

Kimye4eva · 04/03/2021 15:59

Based on that last update OP I think her clinginess and craving attention is the least of your worries. That’s surely a sign that things are seriously amiss at home rather than them being the problem in themselves.

If that is really true I don’t understand why her Dad isn’t applying for residency on the basis of neglect under the care of her mother. There is no way I would be leaving my child there.

forrestgreen · 04/03/2021 16:34

But again, she should be brushing her teeth with her dad, he should be enforcing the good personal hygiene.

Again you keep not addressing whether he spends any time parenting his daughter. I presume not?

Youseethethingis · 04/03/2021 16:37

That poor child. No wonder she’s acting out, she’s 9 not stupid, she knows she’s being neglected. I’m so sad for her.
Agree with PP, the right thing to do is go for residency. Who knows what else will come to light. I’d not be taking the chance if it was my child In this position Sad

Original poster
Alice18 · 04/03/2021 16:51

@forrestgreen he does spend time with her he plays games he knows she likes board games,card, on the PlayStation he takes her for walks etc but as soon as one game is finished she says she is bored (I mean like 10 seconds after its finished)

OP posts:
MNHQ
EstherMumsnet · 04/03/2021 21:56

Hi all, we've had some reports about this thread and we are just popping on to say that Mumsnet is a place for all parents to find help and support. Please bear this in mind when replying.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/03/2021 08:57

This isn't normal behaviour from a 9-year-old child
Yet, it wasn't an issue the first year of the relationship which it would appear wasn't that long ago.

Kids don't suddenly develop an issue with suddenly needing extreme attention out of the blue. There is almost always a trigger.

RedMarauder · 05/03/2021 09:52

@dontdisturbmenow some adults who aren't use to being around and caring for children don't immediately notice there are issues with them

Likewise parents who aren't use to being around and caring for other children aren't aware there are issues around their parenting and child's behaviour.

On the other hand other adults - whether they are parents or not - who aren't use to being around and caring for children get over anxious on what is is in the range of normal.

This is the point of MN.

Aimee1987 · 05/03/2021 10:06

[quote RedMarauder]@dontdisturbmenow some adults who aren't use to being around and caring for children don't immediately notice there are issues with them

Likewise parents who aren't use to being around and caring for other children aren't aware there are issues around their parenting and child's behaviour.

On the other hand other adults - whether they are parents or not - who aren't use to being around and caring for children get over anxious on what is is in the range of normal.

This is the point of MN.[/quote]
I completly agree with this the reason I originally found mumsnet was googling the term when do kids start to entertain themselves.
We brushed aside the attention seeking behaviour as he doesnt get much attention at mums. But in our case that was to his detriment as he ended up expecting and therefore demanding the full attention of every adult in the house which is not sustainable. Putting boundaries in place is really important for kids.

Aimee1987 · 05/03/2021 10:10

@Kimye4eva

Based on that last update OP I think her clinginess and craving attention is the least of your worries. That’s surely a sign that things are seriously amiss at home rather than them being the problem in themselves.

If that is really true I don’t understand why her Dad isn’t applying for residency on the basis of neglect under the care of her mother. There is no way I would be leaving my child there.

I agree that there are red flags here for neglect. Having said that the UK court system is massively biased towards mum and I would be surprised if not booking a dentist appointment ( as bad as that turned out in this case) would be sufficient grounds to remove a child from the mothers home and move her school. Having said that it is always worth checking. Most solicitors offer free consultation appointments where you could talk through your concerns.
LucieStar · 05/03/2021 10:42

I agree that there are red flags here for neglect. Having said that the UK court system is massively biased towards mum and I would be surprised if not booking a dentist appointment ( as bad as that turned out in this case) would be sufficient grounds to remove a child from the mothers home and move her school.

I agree. Unless there are other major significant issues around neglect, they'd probably offer mum parenting support in the first instance. Definitely not as straightforward as just handing the kids over to dad.

Aimee1987 · 05/03/2021 13:38

OP can I ask what her personal hygene is like? Is she a le to wash herself? Can she do her own hair? I think it might be important to teach her these things, no necessarily you but dad as well.
The reason I ask is if there is neglect in her other home giving her the tools to care for herself will be hugely helpfull to her.

Also as she develops these skills she will become less reliant on you.

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