Step child needs 100% attention

[Alice18]

I am having terrible issues with my step daughter at the moment and I feel upset over this. SD is 9 years old and comes to stay at my and her dads house every weekend apart from 1 weekend a month (used to be every weekend but we didn't live together at the time and we never had time together on weekends.)
All was okay for the first year with the girl and she really likes me. I have done so much for her always would play games with her, keep her entertained and she even came on a holiday last year with us. Recently as I am very tired from work on weekends I dont want to play games with her all the time and her mother wasn't very nice to me many times and the SD can be very manipulative and tell mum things about me and her dad which are not true. The girl is not happy and has said she wants to stop coming to see dad on weekends becasue he doesn't give her attention all the time (for example if him and I have a quick chat she gets moody and says she wants to go home where no one would play with her so she wouldn't get attention there anyway!)
She said this to her mum and she has complained and told her mum in the past if me and her dad need a quick chat about something e.g I'm going to the shops I ask if he needs anything, she will tell her mum we left her alone for 1 hour when we had this brief conversation for 30 seconds in the hallway next to the room she was in!
The girl also doesn't like it if I am not in the house all weekend because if I am not there then I'm not giving her attention! I hate the way she is playing games with my partner saying she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't get attention. This is a complete lie and also she is 9 but acts like a 2 year old. My partner gets stressed about it and then snaps at me . There is also always a fuss because she has to sleep in her own room when she visits us and tells her dad she cant sleep or is really ill in the night (we check and she isn't) but I cant even get a full night sleep when she is here as there is always a problem. I am pregnant and I am so stressed over this and feel completely manipulated by this child and I am worried about when the baby arrives what jealousy and games she will play then. I also heard she lied to her mum and told her on the one weekend a month she stays at her home she told her mum that the reason she isn't with dad this weekend is becasue dad said he wanted to spend time with me (gf) and not her! The mother knows this isn't what happened but I am so upset becasue I feel this child even has a problem with me spending 1 weekend a month with my partner. I have been so kind to her I basically have her in my home every weekend taking over and being a manipulative moody 9 year old that acts like a baby. She manipulates her mother too and makes her guilty for going to work and not being home with her. I feel so stuck and I feel if she does come to stay on weekends still I need to be out most of the time and I feel pushed out of my own home and this worries me as I am going to have a baby this year

@Aimee1987 and OP - depending on how developed the 9 year old is the OP may have to do some of this e.g. how to wash properly, how to wipe properly after going to the toilet, rather than her father.

[quote RedMarauder]@Aimee1987 and OP - depending on how developed the 9 year old is the OP may have to do some of this e.g. how to wash properly, how to wipe properly after going to the toilet, rather than her father.[/quote]
I did have that thought myself the DSS may be beyond the point where shes comfortable with dad on these issues. Especially as she gets older things like buying bras and how to use sanitary products may fall on the ops shoulders.

This child is being neglected. No wonder you are struggling. Where is her father in all of this? Why did it fall to you to concern yourself with her teeth?

If your partner is the kind of person who can't respond appropriately to the child's needs (the teeth are every bit as much his concern as her mum's but it was all left to you) he is clearly not ready for another child. I'm shocked he wasn't capable of meeting her needs and concerned about what else he's missing. Parenting is a lot more than going for a walk and sitting in front of a screen but he doesn't want to know, apparently.

You don't have a SD problem. You have a DP problem.

@Aimee1987 her personal hygiene is ok from what I know. She can shower, have a bath on her own , I know she can wash her own hair (although sometimes she asks to have her hair washed and not do it herself.) She always has clean clothes and she brushes her hair when my partner tells her too so I think she is aware of hygiene. If there is an issue she is slightly embarrassed to tell her dad e.g bad belly she tells me (i do make her dad aware without her knowing because if she's feeling a bit unwell like that he needs to know but I dont want her embarrassed.)

She’s a 9 year old girl who gets to spend 6 days a month with her dad, of course she needs (and deserves!) his attention.

The amount of time they have together has already been reduced as you weren’t getting enough attention from him. Bearing in mind you see him everyday as opposed to only 6 days of the month, I’m not sure it’s the child who is the one with the issue over attention?! Even those 6 days he does get to spend with her, it sounds like you are expecting him to fuss over you rather than spending quality time with her

@Itlod1982 hi, I completely understand how much she sees him. My concerns are over her behaviour when she is here at weekends. By that I mean even the simplest things e.g if her dad and I have a quick conversation she gets very jealous and then turns that against him and says she doesn't want to see him although they speak on the phone every day sometimes for hours (I have no problem with this) then all of a sudden she uses him talking to me fot 30 seconds against him. Its the peculiar behaviour like this that I am worried about her

@Alice18

I really do care about SD its the behaviour I feel needs addressing by her parents. Slightly out of context but since she has been living with her mum its seems there has been a very bad affect with SD's teeth and hasn't been taking care of them and kept complaining of tooth ache to her mum and grandparents who she lives with and they did nothing. Her father and I were not aware of this untill she started complaining of toothache so I told my partner she has to go to the dentist as she is in pain and saying she has black teeth. I spoke with her and we brush our teeth together now as she said she doesn't know how to do it properly. Her mum refused to take her to the dentist as she had to work so my partner took the day off work (which is the right thing to do, he has to work too but wasn't going to use the excuse her mother made!) The little girl health is more important she does have tantrums like a toddler in a big way if she is told she is going to the dentist and it is difficult but I explained to her there is nothing to be frightened of.As a result she has to have multiple teeth removed under general anaesthetic. This made me feel very upset that her mouth was in this state so I always make sure her and I brush our teeth together so that I can make sure she is looking after them. I explained she needs to do this at home too. I juat feel her mum needs to set examples at home first not me trying to do it all

A dental appointment is once every 6 months. Your DP could and probably should take her to that considering he only has her for 6 days a month. Him taking time off work to do it isn’t the draw you think it is.

Honestly I think this little girl needs some quality time with her dad on her terms. What does she like to do? If it’s going out for walks etc then that’s what her dad needs to prioritise - not play station etc.

And you need to remember she lives at her mum’s and visits you and DH, so of course she wouldn’t be entertained as much there. She can’t be. Your DH takes her almost every weekend for the fun stuff but then delegates it all to you.

@Itlod1982

She’s a 9 year old girl who gets to spend 6 days a month with her dad, of course she needs (and deserves!) his attention.

The amount of time they have together has already been reduced as you weren’t getting enough attention from him. Bearing in mind you see him everyday as opposed to only 6 days of the month, I’m not sure it’s the child who is the one with the issue over attention?! Even those 6 days he does get to spend with her, it sounds like you are expecting him to fuss over you rather than spending quality time with her

So what's your suggestion for the behavioural issues? Are you seriously saying that this is normal behaviour for a 9 year old? If this is normal behaviour at what point does it become unmanageable? When shes a teenager dictating the actions of an entire household? Do you seriously believe it is beneficial to a child to have that much power over their parents?

Also the argument that she only sees dad 6 days a month is flawed. She is in school during the week. So dad gets her Friday evening till Sunday evening. She then spends Monday morning to Friday in school for several hours a day then back to dads for the weekend. Therefore she already spends more actual time with dad then mum. Also if you read the thread the OP isn't the sole reason the child didnt come that weekend.

Have you ever spend prolonged child with a child displaying these types of behavioural issues? It is physically and emotionally draining. Ignoring the issues issues does no one any favours not the child or the parents or the child who's about to be born.

some adults who aren't use to being around and caring for children don't immediately notice there are issues with them
Of course, it suddenly becomes an obvious pathologic flaw with pregnancy.

It's very possible that the child has some developmental or psychological issues.

It's also very possible that OP is indeed putting blame on the child that she doesn't care to give as much attention to any longer now that she has a baby in the way.

Or a mixture of both, or just a normal kid who is more attention demanding than average, but still a normal child whose habit is just a but annoying, like most kids have.

So what's your suggestion for the behavioural issues? Are you seriously saying that this is normal behaviour for a 9 year old? If this is normal behaviour at what point does it become unmanageable? When shes a teenager dictating the actions of an entire household? Do you seriously believe it is beneficial to a child to have that much power over their parents?
Such a stereotypical step parent response.

I've heard it enough, how the step kid that just happens not to be perfect any longer, who becomes annoying and a nuisance is then labelled with behavioural issues that are only going to get worse and make him a useless delinquent controlling teenager. Ironically, these kids turn out just fine once they stop contact.

Most kids crying for attention just don't get enough of positive attention. Of course the family always says they do. Even children who demand a lot, and who can be annoying, are very normal and just need help to find ways to be happier in their own company, or observing rather than needing to engage in everything. They need support, not being pushed away made to feel a nuisance.

@dontdisturbmenow

So what's your suggestion for the behavioural issues? Are you seriously saying that this is normal behaviour for a 9 year old? If this is normal behaviour at what point does it become unmanageable? When shes a teenager dictating the actions of an entire household? Do you seriously believe it is beneficial to a child to have that much power over their parents? Such a stereotypical step parent response.

I've heard it enough, how the step kid that just happens not to be perfect any longer, who becomes annoying and a nuisance is then labelled with behavioural issues that are only going to get worse and make him a useless delinquent controlling teenager. Ironically, these kids turn out just fine once they stop contact.

Most kids crying for attention just don't get enough of positive attention. Of course the family always says they do. Even children who demand a lot, and who can be annoying, are very normal and just need help to find ways to be happier in their own company, or observing rather than needing to engage in everything. They need support, not being pushed away made to feel a nuisance.

I'm a parent and a step parent, and I'd be saying exactly what Aimee has said about either my DD or SD displaying this behaviour at the age of 9. It's not typical, not even close. It needs addressing in whatever way is best. But it's not healthy or typical behaviour.

If the little girl is getting very little attention at home with her mum, and it sounds neglectful, surely she should be spending more time with her dad not less.

How old was she when they split up?

What is her behaviour like at school (pre COVID)

Who moved away?

You really need to tell her about your pregnancy as soon as it is appropriate too. It sounds as though she will need as much time as possible to get her head around it.

Sorry, I posted my comments before reading through all the posts. The first post and the next couple of replies from the OP gave the impression that it was SM who instigated the reduction in contact as she was looking for more attention.

After reading through more, I agree it’s not great behaviour. My DD is 6 and my DSD is 5, and I’ve experienced issues in the past where both have acted up due to lack of attention but I’ve always found that they are only seeking attention due to insecurity and not feeling included/important. I found that it was better to address why they were feeling insecure and focus on improving that, then they naturally seek less attention as they feel more secure, loved and wanted!

Sorry for jumping right in! The first couple of posts reminded me of my ex-DH and his partner, who have said my DD is attention seeking in the past without considering where that may be stemming from

@Itlod1982

Sorry, I posted my comments before reading through all the posts. The first post and the next couple of replies from the OP gave the impression that it was SM who instigated the reduction in contact as she was looking for more attention.

After reading through more, I agree it’s not great behaviour. My DD is 6 and my DSD is 5, and I’ve experienced issues in the past where both have acted up due to lack of attention but I’ve always found that they are only seeking attention due to insecurity and not feeling included/important. I found that it was better to address why they were feeling insecure and focus on improving that, then they naturally seek less attention as they feel more secure, loved and wanted!

Sorry for jumping right in! The first couple of posts reminded me of my ex-DH and his partner, who have said my DD is attention seeking in the past without considering where that may be stemming from

But did you behave like the OP's partner's ex? Did you bed share with your child until the age of 9, not giving her her own bed or bedroom all that time? Did you neglect her basic health needs? Would your child have described you as someone who's "favourite hobby is sleeping" and that you didn't do much with her?

Yes it's important to look at where the child's attachment insecurities are coming from - and to me, it's blindingly apparent from the information given about the child's main residence.

If OP’s ex his concerned about his own daughters basic health needs not being met, surely he should be doing something about his concerns? Not doing the exact opposite by moving hundreds of miles away from his DD then reducing contact to keep his new partner happy.

And child describing her mums favourite hobby as sleeping could just be one of those things kid say, I joke all the time about how much I love sleep - mainly as I don’t get much!! I hate to think of some things my DD or DSD would say about me that could sound awful if taken out of context or if others didn’t know it was a joke! I once had 2 glasses of Prosecco at a family bbq and for about a year after it my then 3 year old used to refer to it as “mummy’s juice”

She’s a child who barely sees her dad so of course she wants attention. Especially after having two days cut as he has a new partner. When she finds out about the baby she’ll likely worry if the other six if 31 days will be cut.

If OP’s ex his concerned about his own daughters basic health needs not being met, surely he should be doing something about his concerns?

He did. He took her to the dentist which her mother refused to do.

Dad of the year 🙄
Why is that automatically the mums job in the first place??

@Itlod1982

Dad of the year 🙄 Why is that automatically the mums job in the first place??

I didn't say it was.
Your question was why isn't he doing something about the dental hygiene issue - and the answer is he did. Mum refused to take a day off work to do it, so he did it.
I answered your question.

But that starting position was the mum should do it and she refused so the dad did it instead. Maybe a bit of a radical idea but surely the dad is just as responsible and the fact that it got to the stage it did before she went to the dentist as much as the mums, but ‘oh no, it’s the mum failing to meet basic hygiene needs’...

It shouldn’t take a mum ‘refusing’ to do something for a dad to step up and do it. If he hadn’t chosen to move 350 miles away from his DD....

But she lives with mum 80% of the time. It's the same amount of time my daughter lives with me (and always has done). I wouldn't allow my daughter's teeth to become black to the point of needing multiple extractions at the age of 9. And she knew how to brush her own teeth properly by that age too (as well as having her own bed from being toddler aged, but I'm going to assume you'll excuse mum for that too, because a 9 year old never having had her own bed ever sounds totally normal, of course).

No matter what you want to say about Dad's input, something is going horribly wrong at her main residence. It's blatantly clear.

Also, where does it say Dad moved 350 miles away? The only indication of distance is where OP states it's a 2.5 hour round trip to collect SD. Unless he's flying, there's no way he's doing that sort of distance in that time. My DD's dad lives 2.5 hours travel away, and the distance is 130 miles (each way).

Are you confusing this with the other thread where Dad does in fact live this distance from mum?

9 yo DD here and I can tell you it’s hard work even without the 2 family thing going on.

Early pregnancy is THE worst time, incredibly tiring.

Sounds like you need a break

Luciestar I’m not defending the mum at all if defending the poor child who is clearly acting up through lack of attention from BOTH parents.

If her basic needs have been failed to be met it’s on BOTH of them.

Before backtracking the OP said contact was reduced from 8 days to 6 as OP needed the attention. This poor child isn’t getting attention from her mum OR dad, the SM has encouraged the dad to be less involved and now complaining her DSD is attention seeking. It’s the DD I feel for