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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Apparently I've been unwelcoming

225 replies

bahumbug2020 · 28/12/2020 23:13

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were.

I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture.

But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room.

These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them?

He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2020 23:25

Silly threats?

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 23:27

I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them?

Nope. My partner's kids come over to see and spend time with him, not me. They quite frankly. don't care less if I'm there or not. He does his own thing with them a lot to be honest, as do I with my daughter.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 28/12/2020 23:31

All sounds too tedious for words. A 20 year old acting like a 5 year old. Ignore. From what you've said you've done nothing wrong.

Does his own mother sit with him through every film he wants to watch and not leave the house when he's there? No? Thought not.

faithfulbird20 · 28/12/2020 23:33

Maybe he wants you to do things more as a 'family' apart from eating together etc. Maybe wanted you to watch the film together or go out together.:.

Carolines100 · 28/12/2020 23:35

Who thinks this? Your SS or your partner?!

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 23:35

Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon

Also why does a 20 year old adult need taking for a walk? Surely he could just crack on and go for a walk if he wanted to?

Motnight · 28/12/2020 23:37

What's a silly threat?

HeddaGarbled · 28/12/2020 23:46

I think you’ve made it clear that you need your space. He wanted something more from you but I think you’re allowed not to give it and he’ll have to accept that.

shiningstar2 · 29/12/2020 00:06

How old is your dd? Does she live with you? If so, inevitably, he will see more of your [and his?] dd than he does of his not living in the home kids. From what you say you have continued with your usual routines, like the gym, regardless of him only having his kids for 3 days. Perhaps he hoped that as well as meals, you would all do some things together. Honest opinion? You had your 'me' time at the gym, mother and daughter alone time. Wouldn't have hurt to have bit the bullet and watched the 'boy' film together. They'll soon be gone again.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 29/12/2020 00:13

Silly threats?

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 29/12/2020 06:48

I’d be interested to know what these “silly threats” are.

I can’t be bothered with all this “rolling out the red carpet” that people expect for SC. Others have quite rightly pointed out that they're there to see their Dad. You’ve spent some time with them - you don’t have to spend all your time with them. That’s hardly being unwelcoming.

My DH can be the same OP. If it’s not “Disney perfect” the whole time they’re here then he gets the hump. Heaven forbid I go for a soak in the bath rather than watch a film with them.

Let him crack on with his mood. Hope you’re ok. Flowers

MeridianB · 29/12/2020 08:06

YANBU. It sounds as if your DP likes help and company when he has his kids to make it easier. Or could be one of those ‘we must be an idyllic happy family’ types?

Was there a discussion about the 20yo coming or not, or were you just told it was happening?

HollowTalk · 29/12/2020 08:09

Who is it that's complaining?

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 08:42

To clarify, my husband is complaining. Not the kids. And the 'silly threats' are around threatening to leave. But when I call his bluff and tell him to crack on he doesn't like it. Honestly the way I feel this morning I don't care if he does pack his bags.

My daughter is 17 and lives with me practically full time.

OP posts:
NYNY211 · 29/12/2020 08:46

Do the 14 year old and 20 year live together? If they do I don’t see it makes that much difference.

How does your DD get on with your step children?

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 08:46

@MeridianB

YANBU. It sounds as if your DP likes help and company when he has his kids to make it easier. Or could be one of those ‘we must be an idyllic happy family’ types?

Was there a discussion about the 20yo coming or not, or were you just told it was happening?

There was a discussion about the 20 yo coming and I relented because I knew he wanted to see him. But I've made it clear it's not happening again while restrictions are in place. He's at Uni in a tier 4 area. We're tier 3.
OP posts:
MotherExtraordinaire · 29/12/2020 08:54

@bahumbug2020
Yabu if the 20yo is at uni. They're allowed to visit. The issue is you don't see your home as the 20yo as well, which until fully independent it should be.

You see your child constantly, so was it really such a hardship to have watched one "boys film" and to have all gone for the walk?

I don't think that you have to be with one another 247,but it sounds as though you purposely to have been as antisocial as possible and that's come across as bloody rude. So I'm glad that he's said so.

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 09:00

The covid rules state that uni students or any child over the age of 18 should not switch between households whilst restrictions are in place. Technically he lives with his mum and should be returning there. My husband looked up these rules and read them to me, but decided to have him stay anyway. But that wasn't really the point of my original post.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/12/2020 09:01

[quote MotherExtraordinaire]@bahumbug2020
Yabu if the 20yo is at uni. They're allowed to visit. The issue is you don't see your home as the 20yo as well, which until fully independent it should be.

You see your child constantly, so was it really such a hardship to have watched one "boys film" and to have all gone for the walk?

I don't think that you have to be with one another 247,but it sounds as though you purposely to have been as antisocial as possible and that's come across as bloody rude. So I'm glad that he's said so.[/quote]
The OP doesn't have to be around 24/7 Hmm it's not her problem her bloke doesn't like being around his kids on his own.

Let his sulk. Tell him the doors over there when he makes his silly threats and ignore.

BiggerTallerFaster · 29/12/2020 09:02

It's DH who thinks you've been unwelcoming? What do DC think? I imagine they've been quite pleased to have some time alone with their father.

I doubt this is actually about your behaviour to his kids.

I don't think you were right about the uni student though. They were specifically allowed to go home to parents over Christmas.

CallmeAngelGabriel · 29/12/2020 09:04

Step-children or not, if there's a film being watched, then either it's one that everyone wants to see, or the one who's not keen has the perfect right to go in another room and do something else.

lilylongjohn · 29/12/2020 09:06

Sounds like you've treated them as part of the family op. Your dh is bu. His dc come to see him not you.

As for threatening to leave, this is beyond shitty behaviour, glad to see you've called him out in it, but I'd struggle to have any respect for a man who's acted like this

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 09:07

@BiggerTallerFaster

It's DH who thinks you've been unwelcoming? What do DC think? I imagine they've been quite pleased to have some time alone with their father.

I doubt this is actually about your behaviour to his kids.

I don't think you were right about the uni student though. They were specifically allowed to go home to parents over Christmas.

You're correct, they are allowed to 'go home.' But that does not include switching between households.

Re the film, they were all squashed up on the 3 seater in our extension. Me watching with them would have involved sitting on the floor or perched on a bar stool. I wasn't even consulted on the film so I took myself off into the other room. My daughter was in her room.

I don't get this perception that everyone has to be forced to do the same thing.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 29/12/2020 09:15

I think he's seeming you spend time with your own daughter but actively avoiding the step children he has a point

Beautiful3 · 29/12/2020 09:29

I dont think you did anything wrong. They're here to see their father, not you. You still live your life as normal.

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