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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Apparently I've been unwelcoming

225 replies

bahumbug2020 · 28/12/2020 23:13

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were.

I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture.

But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room.

These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them?

He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 16:54

@Wearywithteens

To deliberately and obviously make yourself scarce, moan about the cooking (just don’t do it then) and generally get huffy about everything sounds unwelcoming to me. I wouldn’t want to be around that.
Then you're more needy and sensitive than a 14 and 20 yo. Let that sink in.
Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 17:14

I never moaned about the cooking. I don't mind. I was just using it as an example of stuff I HAVE done while they've been here.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 17:23

To deliberately and obviously make yourself scarce

... is perfectly acceptable when the kids aren't yours, and you understandably wish to pursue your own life and interests whilst your partner fathers HIS children.

aSofaNearYou · 29/12/2020 17:25

It wasn't considered rude to for the SC to "deliberately and obviously" spend all day in their rooms.

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 17:30

It's nice to get some support - thank you. They've gone now. I didn't even get a goodbye when they left. Never mind a 'thanks for the delicious turkey curry.'

I'm being flippant, but that's how little they give a shit about my presence.

OP posts:
Skittlebug · 29/12/2020 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 17:32

@aSofaNearYou

It wasn't considered rude to for the SC to "deliberately and obviously" spend all day in their rooms.

Perhaps OP should have just sat outside their rooms, waiting for them to emerge so she could engage with them joyfully and merrily ..... 🙄

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 17:35

I'm being flippant, but that's how little they give a shit about my presence.

Hence why I don't regularly grace my partner's kids with my presence.😂

They honestly don't care less if I'm around or not (rightly so, why should they?) - it's their Dad they love seeing. Mind you if I did cook for them and didn't get a thank you, I'd find that rude too.

PimlicoJo · 29/12/2020 17:35

I'm going to be honest and say that this is one of those threads where I'd like to hear the other point of view.

frazzledasarock · 29/12/2020 17:38

Cooking for an entire family is harder than cooking for yourself. Presumably OP thought about what’s everyone would enjoy and meal planned for the three days.

When I’m on my own a sandwich and a cup of tea is fine. When catering for the entire family I’m considering everyone’s preferences etc.

Plus getting house ready for the DSC etc.
And regardless of covid rules being ‘stupid’ the fact of the matter is the older DSS being at OP’s house could land them in trouble. Everyone’s had to put up with and follow really stupid laws regarding covid.

I’m on OP’s side entirely. I personally don’t sit through films I don’t want to. And would definitely not hang around sitting on a bar stool or on the floor to watch a film I wouldn’t normally want to watch anyway.

This is entirely different to the poster who’s ex drops his DC each time he has a GF. That’s entirely on him. Contact time is for the NRP to be spending quality time with their DC. Not for the SP to be playing a dementedly chipper (non)mother.

I can’t help feeling the H in this scenario wants a skivvy to do all the work whilst he sits around on his arse looking like the amazing dad (who does nothing, why didn’t he cook for everyone, he’s going to eat it’s easy to cook).

And I bet if the OP decided the DSC should call her mum, referred to their mother as birth-mum, demanded to have a say in their lives eg schooling medical appts etc. The posters berating her for not sticking to the DSC like superglue would be horrified and up in arms for her over stepping.

I’m not a step mum. My DH is a step parent to my older DC. He’s there in the back ground. He parents when required, he doesn’t watch the girly movies my older DC enjoy, he will go for a wander without all of us etc.

Nobody feels snubbed or upset. I don’t know a single family that spends every minute of every day together.

PimlicoJo · 29/12/2020 17:43

You say 'I don't see the point in forcing us all to be a happy family'

This is where I differ from you. Between you both you have children of 14, 17 and 20. I think you should be aiming to try and have a harmonious home and act like one family when your stepsons are there. It feels to me from reading your posts like it's 'me and my daughter' and 'him and his sons'. You don't talk of them with any affection.

I'm a SM. I know it's not easy. But they should feel welcome in your home and your DH must have a reason for saying he felt on edge.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 17:46

I think you should be aiming to try and have a harmonious home and act like one family when your stepsons are there.

Why should she be aiming for this? And why can't a home be "harmonious" without everyone acting as one unit all of the time?

Bollss · 29/12/2020 17:48

Christ most "together" families with kids of that age aren't harmonious. To expect it of a step family is bizarre, especially when one is an adult.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 17:52

@PimlicoJo

You say 'I don't see the point in forcing us all to be a happy family'

This is where I differ from you. Between you both you have children of 14, 17 and 20. I think you should be aiming to try and have a harmonious home and act like one family when your stepsons are there. It feels to me from reading your posts like it's 'me and my daughter' and 'him and his sons'. You don't talk of them with any affection.

I'm a SM. I know it's not easy. But they should feel welcome in your home and your DH must have a reason for saying he felt on edge.

But "acting like one family " is exactly what OP did especially at those ages.

Kids are expected to pick up after themselves, get their own drinks, say thank you etc.

Family members often do go off and do their own thing or pair up based on likes/interests.

The boy's own dad doesn't make them be part of the family as they're treated as precious guests, rather than muck in and pitch in with family life, like making their beds , picking up after themselves, getting their own drinks.

Do you really think their own mother or their step dad if they have one fetches drinks for a 20 yo? Or they sit on the floor just so that they can all watch a movie? I seriously doubt it.

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 17:53

@PimlicoJo

You say 'I don't see the point in forcing us all to be a happy family'

This is where I differ from you. Between you both you have children of 14, 17 and 20. I think you should be aiming to try and have a harmonious home and act like one family when your stepsons are there. It feels to me from reading your posts like it's 'me and my daughter' and 'him and his sons'. You don't talk of them with any affection.

I'm a SM. I know it's not easy. But they should feel welcome in your home and your DH must have a reason for saying he felt on edge.

I agree that would be the ideal. But they are very very different kids. We've been on holidays together and tried to make it work. Eldest SS is very introverted, which is the opposite of my daughter. They rub along ok but I'm not gonna lie, they would never see each other again if we split up. Similarly with the youngest SS - his main topic of conversation is video games. I'm sure that's normal for his age. But again it's not an interest which is shared with the other kids. They get along ok. But I'm not forcing them all to do things together. I don't think any of them would thank me for that.
OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 17:54

Oh and as for the "other side of things", "there must be a reason" etc.
Yes of course there is. The reason is that OP acting perfectly normal and average (in terms if behaviour) is ruining his Disney dad persona and the image he has in his head of how things should be.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 18:04

Family members often do go off and do their own thing or pair up based on likes/interests.

So true. So "acting like one big family" would involve everyone having their own space and doing their own activities, wouldn't it.

I barely see my own teen DD these days, she spends most of her time it in her room on the phone to friends (as did I at that age). She occasionally comes and sits with me and DP but not very often these days!

So ... if she isn't glued to mine and DP's sides constantly, it would seem in some posters' eyes, I've failed at creating a harmonious family with my own daughter? Shock^^

PimlicoJo · 29/12/2020 18:10

OP I'm sure you are doing all the right things. I'm probably speaking from my own experience; I'm not sure I was always as welcoming as I might have been at times as I would have preferred it if they weren't there. But that was a long time ago.

I hope you resolve things with your DP. Enjoy your swims!

Youseethethingis · 29/12/2020 18:17

There seems to be a lot of talk of “acting” and “performing” on this thread. It’s very odd.
Taking the OP at face value, it seems like everyone rubbed along well enough and the only person with a problem is the DH because OP didn’t act/perform/fawn over his children the way he felt they deserved.
As PPs have pointed out, a step parent cannot simultaneously be told to keep out of decisions for the real parents then berated for not cancelling all their own plans for their day because the DSC are present.
They can’t be told that their home is equally the DSC home at the same time as being told that every minute with the DSC is rare and precious and they shouldn’t be expected to be wash so much as a cup because they are honoured guests.
They shouldn’t be told to act and perform at the same time as being told “children pick up on it if you’re just tolerating them”.
The DH just needs to pick a coherent position on how he wants things to go because going in the huff when he can’t have all things all ways is incredibly childish and tiresome.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 18:22

There seems to be a lot of talk of “acting” and “performing” on this thread. It’s very odd.

Yes, indeed. I did find the comment about the OP being "happy with her performance" very odd... Confused

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 18:23

@LouJ85

There seems to be a lot of talk of “acting” and “performing” on this thread. It’s very odd.

Yes, indeed. I did find the comment about the OP being "happy with her performance" very odd... Confused

As in, someone else said "as long as she's happy with her performance".

Performance??? She's just living her life ffs!! 🤷‍♀️

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 18:27

@LouJ85

There seems to be a lot of talk of “acting” and “performing” on this thread. It’s very odd.

Yes, indeed. I did find the comment about the OP being "happy with her performance" very odd... Confused

It just shows that it's all about what posters THINK OP should do (you know that step mum list of rules that are about as nonsensical and contradictory as the Covid rules) and it's all about optics and how it looks.

They don't really believe that she (or any step mum) could possibly care about or maybe even love the kids, so she must "perform" her duties like in a Hallmark movie. Just not too much,otherwise she's interfering and overstepping.

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 18:36

@pimlicojo I'm sure you did just fine. Don't beat yourself up.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 18:38

she must "perform" her duties like in a Hallmark movie. Just not too much,otherwise she's interfering and overstepping.

And not too little - otherwise she's distant, unwelcoming and probably "self absorbed", or something similar...

funinthesun19 · 29/12/2020 18:38

Have I got this right? Stepmums must spend time with their stepchildren even though they would rather be doing something else? E.g. the dsc wants to watch a film and the stepmum wants a nice relaxing bath and time to herself. They must all sit down and watch it together just because the dsc is there? Why can’t dsc just watch it with their dad and leave the stepmum in peace for a bit? Confused

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