Page 7 | Apparently I've been unwelcoming

bahumbug2020 · 2020-12-28T23:13:22+00:00

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were. I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture. But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room. These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them? He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 18:52

@funinthesun19

Have I got this right? Stepmums must spend time with their stepchildren even though they would rather be doing something else? E.g. the dsc wants to watch a film and the stepmum wants a nice relaxing bath and time to herself. They must all sit down and watch it together just because the dsc is there? Why can’t dsc just watch it with their dad and leave the stepmum in peace for a bit?

Yeah that's pretty much the gist of it!
She must never dare to vacate the room they are in....

TheBridgeBurner · 29/12/2020 18:52

Op you have been vv U.

Didn’t you know that you were supposed to organise an itinerary, including FAB meals, snacks, drinks, films, walks and board games to keep them all entertained whilst your DH sat on his lazy arse as a participant.

Your DH is a lazy bastard who should entertain his own DC. They come to see him and probably welcomed the one on one time, unlike him.

Threatening to leave is his way of getting you to take over these chores in future.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 18:53

the dsc wants to watch a film and the stepmum wants a nice relaxing bath and time to herself.

I believe if she wants this, she is "self-centred".

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 18:56

@TheBridgeBurner

Op you have been vv U.

Didn’t you know that you were supposed to organise an itinerary, including FAB meals, snacks, drinks, films, walks and board games to keep them all entertained whilst your DH sat on his lazy arse as a participant.

Your DH is a lazy bastard who should entertain his own DC. They come to see him and probably welcomed the one on one time, unlike him.

Threatening to leave is his way of getting you to take over these chores in future.

He has seriously misjudged me if he thinks threats like that will work. I will simply show him the door and my lovely 4 bed house will no longer house him and his brood.

He's still in a mood because a) they've gone home, and b) he's tired (my fault, obvs). Feel seriously like showing them all the door and enjoying the bloody peace.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 18:59

He's still in a mood because a) they've gone home, and b) he's tired (my fault, obvs). Feel seriously like showing them all the door and enjoying the bloody peace.

I'm really impressed with your patience.

Just tell him to grow up, the kids obviously did.

Stantons · 29/12/2020 18:59

Ooo this thread has made me chuckle.

Not sure your OH would cope with me. I haven't seen OHs kids for at least a month and even then it was a brief hi, they have been here a night a week every week though. I don't need to be involved, they aren't here to see me and I'm not here to parent them. I have my own stuff to do so I get on and do it

TheBridgeBurner · 29/12/2020 19:16

It's totally your DH.

I was a step child and without sounding rude, wanted to just hang out with my dad and be myself, some of the time.

You are doing the right thing. Be polite, be yourself, be friendly but let him crack on with it.

He's just trying to offload the work to you.

tara66 · 29/12/2020 19:21

DSSs didn't even say ''good bye'' or ''thanks for having me'' when they left after spending 3 nights at YOUR house and eating your meals etc.?
Why have they not been taught any manners? Don't have them again.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 19:21

@Stantons

Ooo this thread has made me chuckle.

Not sure your OH would cope with me. I haven't seen OHs kids for at least a month and even then it was a brief hi, they have been here a night a week every week though. I don't need to be involved, they aren't here to see me and I'm not here to parent them. I have my own stuff to do so I get on and do it

I have found my person.

😂

Mulhollandmagoo · 29/12/2020 19:32

So frustrating that he's stropping about now, because he's had to spend quality time with his own kids! When it's not as raw I would definitely sit down and have a serious conversation about both of your expectations, and be firm in that you're not there to do wife work and the shit bits of parenting whilst he acts like a super fun Disney dad

The worst thing is, if you and your husband had three children together and no step children in the picture, who were different sexes and ages you wouldn't all spend all of your time together as you all have different hobbies, interests and like different films, not sure why he's so adamant because they're your stepsons. What is his relationship like with your daughter

excelledyourself · 29/12/2020 19:38

@LouJ85

OP, you don't like his kids. You've said as much before.

Where has she said she doesn't like them?

On another thread.

Stantons · 29/12/2020 19:43

@excelledyourself she doesn't need to like them, she has fed them and given them space to have time with their father, thats enough

excelledyourself · 29/12/2020 19:47

[quote Stantons]@excelledyourself she doesn't need to like them, she has fed them and given them space to have time with their father, thats enough[/quote]
Don't tell me. Tell OP, who can tell her husband that.

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 19:49

I just pointed out the fact that they effed off without a word of goodbye and that's apparently just me getting at them. I also tried to gently point out that them being here ends up being more work for me. His response is 'what needs doing - tell me.' Honestly I feel like I need to fucking spell everything out. The sheets were stripped and just put in the wash basket. On top of all the other washing which has been accumulating. Did he think to put it in the machine and actually, you know, wash the fucking stuff? Did he fuck.

Sorry but I'm seriously losing my shit now. All of this results in HIM being angry with ME. How the fuck does that work? I have just had the full on furious finger in the face wagging followed by him storming out of the room again. Have had enough.

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 19:53

I have just had the full on furious finger in the face wagging followed by him storming out of the room again.

He doesn't sound very pleasant at all, OP. This isn't on.

wibblewombat · 29/12/2020 19:59

Mental load shit.

I've got a lovely husband but finding out that he needed to share the mental load as he's here 24/7 now has "been interesting."

Sounds like it's line in the sand time.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 20:01

@bahumbug2020

I just pointed out the fact that they effed off without a word of goodbye and that's apparently just me getting at them. I also tried to gently point out that them being here ends up being more work for me. His response is 'what needs doing - tell me.' Honestly I feel like I need to fucking spell everything out. The sheets were stripped and just put in the wash basket. On top of all the other washing which has been accumulating. Did he think to put it in the machine and actually, you know, wash the fucking stuff? Did he fuck.

Sorry but I'm seriously losing my shit now. All of this results in HIM being angry with ME. How the fuck does that work? I have just had the full on furious finger in the face wagging followed by him storming out of the room again. Have had enough.

Walk away OP.

Doesn't matter how tempting it is, don't retaliate or follow him . Ignore him and avoid him. Let him fuck off.

Otherwise he will keep goading you until you say/do something that will make everything your fault, you're the crazy/shouty one etc. and him/the children the victims.

He's still arsey about how things went and you're not apologetic /falling in line so he's on a mission to find fault with you /make you feel guilty about something.

gamerchick · 29/12/2020 20:08

Christ, tell him to piss off out and come back when he's grown up. Who could be arsed with that shit.

He's spoiling for a full blown row.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 29/12/2020 20:09

Imo get on with writing that bloody list op..
Make it last him the rest of the week..

saraclara · 29/12/2020 20:09

In practical terms you've done nothing wrong. So this comes down to your attitude while doing it. Were you grumpy? Did your tone of voice, facial expression, body language etc make them feel they were in the way?

You've said yourself that your mood wasn't good, and it was Christmas for goodness' sake. So it's not outside the realms of possibility that it wasn't what you did, it's how you did it, that made them feel unwelcome.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 20:11

@saraclara

In practical terms you've done nothing wrong. So this comes down to your attitude while doing it. Were you grumpy? Did your tone of voice, facial expression, body language etc make them feel they were in the way?

You've said yourself that your mood wasn't good, and it was Christmas for goodness' sake. So it's not outside the realms of possibility that it wasn't what you did, it's how you did it, that made them feel unwelcome.

But it's not the kids complaining or claiming they felt unwelcome. They haven't complained or said a thing, and by the sounds of it they would,particularly the 20 yo. It's her husband.

Bollss · 29/12/2020 20:14

@saraclara

In practical terms you've done nothing wrong. So this comes down to your attitude while doing it. Were you grumpy? Did your tone of voice, facial expression, body language etc make them feel they were in the way?

You've said yourself that your mood wasn't good, and it was Christmas for goodness' sake. So it's not outside the realms of possibility that it wasn't what you did, it's how you did it, that made them feel unwelcome.

Yes op forget the pandemic and paste a big fake smile on your face to make your partners children happy

Fuck me.

Stantons · 29/12/2020 20:15

@saraclara the OP is entitled to have low mood in her own home, especially this year and especially at Christmas

Flyingf1edgelings · 29/12/2020 20:16

Well me and my sd done each others hairs nails and makeup, my dh her dad didn’t join in I should threaten to leave him? Your husband is a jack ass and needs to grow up. It’s him causing the devise.

caringcarer · 29/12/2020 20:18

They are your DH kids. You have cooked their meals and sat with them to eat them. It is up to your DH to entertain/amuse them. A 20 year old should be able to entertain himself. You have your dd to pay attention too. Sounds like DH just wants you to look after his kids do he does not have to.