Apparently I've been unwelcoming

[bahumbug2020]

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were.

I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture.

But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room.

These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them?

He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

This is the thing - when asked, they're completely happy to help. But he doesn't like asking them because 'they're not here much.'

That's a ridiculous justification for not helping out when you're living somewhere, even it is for part of the time. My DP's kids stay with us EOW and his TEN year old often takes it upon herself to help clear up after tea. But then again, DP has different boundaries/rules etc ... If your DP has never expected them to help, it's unlikely to change. I find it even more bizarre your DP has such an issue considering when asked they're completely fine with it!

Rather, I said making a big deal about just 3 days/nights is self-centred

Explain how a woman who wants to do her own thing rather than spend time with kids who aren't her own, is "self centred"?

Don't build an argument around something you've made up, it's tedious

Equally - don't make up that I've made something up. Also tedious ...

OP, you don't like his kids. You've said as much before.

Where has she said she doesn't like them?

@Chesneyhawkes1

I don't think you've done wrong either.

When DSS is here I still go out running and to do the things I want to. We all walk the dogs together and eat together.

Sometimes I sit upstairs and watch tv as there's only so many cartoons I can take in a day.

Similarly DSS sometimes goes off and plays PS5 in another room or his switch.

We don't all have to be glued together all day.

Thank god for sense ....was starting to think j was the strange one for not being glued to my partner's kids when they come over!

Better things to do with my time
(Ironically I'm being coerced into watching a film I'm not really interested in, by my 18 yr old 😂. But I'm going along with it because the older he gets, the more precious are the snatches of time that I get with him

It really comes across like you are attempting to emotionally guilt trip OP into feeling bad for not finding time with her step children as precious as you find time with your kids.

@LouJ85 the voice of reason again. It’s good to see advice from someone with actual experience.

@aSofaNearYou

*Better things to do with my time (Ironically I'm being coerced into watching a film I'm not really interested in, by my 18 yr old 😂. But I'm going along with it because the older he gets, the more precious are the snatches of time that I get with him*

It really comes across like you are attempting to emotionally guilt trip OP into feeling bad for not finding time with her step children as precious as you find time with your kids.

I would agree entirely with this.

It's the kids' own mother and father who should want to enjoy "precious" time with them. Not the OP.

It really comes across like you are attempting to emotionally guilt trip OP into feeling bad for not finding time with her step children as precious as you find time with your kids.

🙄
Not at all
It was a light hearted comment, indeed I did say 'ironically', as I'd previously said I do have my own interests & hobbies

The constant search for offence & hidden meaning on MN really can be quite exhausting 🙄🙄

@BrandySours Well aren't you a ray of sunshine?

Please don't @ me
Many thanks

You sound quite nit-picky & self-centred tbh

Who gives a crap if you don't really fancy the film that the boys & their dad are watching?

Were these also "light hearted" comments? Only, they don't really come across as such tbh.

🥱

Really, really not interested in continuing this
I'm obvs not in line with the prevailing viewpoint on this thread, and that's ok 🤷🏻‍♀️

Enjoy the rest of the Xmas holidays

[quote Hillary111]@LouJ85 the voice of reason again. It’s good to see advice from someone with actual experience.[/quote]

Why thank you.
I just don't believe in people being guilt tripped into playing happy families with kids who aren't theirs. Kids have 2 parents for that - in this case the OP isn't one of them. And it seems most of the time to be women that this expectation is placed upon! Whereas if I started a thread saying my DP doesn't show much interest in playing step dad to my daughter, I doubt he'd be flamed in the same way!

The constant search for offence & hidden meaning on MN really can be quite exhausting

I didn't have to look for hidden meaning, your whole argument is based around it being unreasonable of OP to sit out of activities with her SC on the basis that time with them should be precious.

Wow, such a hard time for the OP, again it's as though you're expect to skip to the front door whenever your step children arrive and shelve all your plans for 3 days for someone else's children.

Since when was it a thing that step mums have to turn into Mary Poppins every time your husbands children arrive for a visit?

Let's be real here, you've probably cooked, shopped, cleaned, made an extra effort to get things ready for them (happens in our house) and in LOCKDOWN don't forget we're all making an effort to take care of ourselves and have a bit of healthy routine. It's not as though the family are going bowling or to the beach and you're detaching from that family effort, you've carried on as normal.

I've had days this week when SS and DH want to watch an action movie, I'd rather shit in my hands then clap than watch that so I've taken myself off to another room to do something else. No drama needed, they're doing what they want to do and so are you.

This is the thing - when asked, they're completely happy to help. But he doesn't like asking them because 'they're not here much.' So it ends up being me who forces the issue.

Overcompensating bullshit.

Just like expecting you do be a performing monkey and entertain them while they're there.

It's not your fault he split up with his ex or that he sees them as little or often as he does.

Just because he only sees them for x days and thinks their lives should be perfect, pandered to and idyllic doesn't mean that YOU have to do it. It also doesn't mean that his kids stop being perfectly functional and able human beings the moment they come through the door.

It's his choice for whatever reasons,he can deal with it.

@stealthninjamum

People aren’t reading my post. I can read that she cooked meals and sat with them - surely she’d cook herself meals anyway? Of course she is entitled to time on her own, did I say she wasn’t? But are people not reading where op admits she’s had a bad few months? Again I don’t blame her for that, many of us have. But if you read my thread I said I can see both sides and I said her husbands behaviour was also sulky and childish. I can see a couple who are both not behaving the best. Perhaps months of underlying niggles are causing these blowups and they both need to work together now before they become serious issues.

In your first post you said that OP's DH was entitled to feel snubbed, you said nothing about him being childish and sulky, Why do you expect the op to watch a boys film and go for a walk when she doesn't want to do either? Why are you holding the Sm to a higher standard than the SC's father? If it's because she's the female, you're in the wrong decade.

Why are you holding the Sm to a higher standard than the SC's father? If it's because she's the female, you're in the wrong decade.

Thank you for echoing what I was trying to say in my last post!

No way would the same expectations be placed upon step fathers to be all happy families and involved with their partner's kids. 🙄

My DP also doesn't get his DC to do anything whatsoever to help out, and they live here 50%, and in holidays sometimes for weeks at a time. It drives me nuts - how does he think people learn to be self sufficient and considerate - pixie dust that lands at age 18?

Anyway back to your point OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable - if I stay one night somewhere or even an Airbnb I will strip the bed to be helpful.

Since when was it a thing that step mums have to turn into Mary Poppins every time your husbands children arrive for a visit?

This made me laugh.
Christ, I'm the shittest Mary Poppins on the planet 😂

@BrandySours

Please don't @ me Many thanks

Oh no 🤦‍♀️😂 and I thought all of your other posts on this thread were utter tripe, and then you go and trot this rubbish out

I wouldn't worry OP, the kids are there to spend time with their dad, which they are doing, and you're leaving them to is, which is nothing like brandysours situation at all really so she's looking at it from a skewed position! You don't have to spend any time with them that you don't want, all you have to be is civil and polite which you are doing. You're going one step further by cooking meals, and no it won't kill your adult step sons to clean up their own rooms at all

Don't ever be made feel bad for having some alone time! Being a SM is bloody hard work at the best of times (yes yes, before anyone says it, she knew what she was getting into, eye roll) and time alone to recharge is imperative.

OP I feel your pain, we have five at home full time (ages 15-22, two are mine, three are DP's) and this year I've just taken a zero pressure "assume good intent" approach. We have a real mix of personalities so there is no obligation on anyone to join into anything. If someone doesn't want to join a game or a meal, no biggie and no personal offence taken.

This has worked with all bar one who regularly trots out the line that I'm not welcoming enough. (She used to say I tried too hard) She knows it's a low blow as I've worked hard to create a warm and caring home for our family. I typically use a "thanks for your feedback" response and just keep doing my thing.

@bahumbug2020

To clarify, my husband is complaining. Not the kids. And the 'silly threats' are around threatening to leave. But when I call his bluff and tell him to crack on he doesn't like it. Honestly the way I feel this morning I don't care if he does pack his bags.

My daughter is 17 and lives with me practically full time.

Does he behave like this often? He sounds exhausting.

You're going one step further by cooking meals

Also agree with this - I don't do any of the cooking for my partner's kids! He does it all.